Halloween 2013 Rant: Adventures of Shuggy

Ah it's Halloween again, a time that to watch scary movies and run around the neighbourhood with a pumpkin hanging off your penis in order to scare the little kids. You know, the normal things in life. This means it is also a time to play all the scary games you own, games that will terrify you so much your own shit will jump back into your body to hide from it.

Not me however, because I'm such a wimp that I get scared by eating chocolate, so now that brings me to my annual non scary, completely pointless Halloween rant of 2013. Now start the drumroll as we build up completely meaningless tension to announce the game, because it's in the title anyway.

Adventures of Shuggy

Who'd a guessed it. Anyway, the Adventures of Shuggy is a platform game, which is probably just as scary to me if I had played a game about Evil clowns farting spiders out in all set in elevators. I  on a whole can't stand platform games. A platform game is the gaming equivalent of having a movie based around constantly kicking you in the testicles while you sing whale song. They're just on a whole, constantly repetitive, anger banks, which granted some people enjoy, and these are probably the same people who go home every night and have an elephant give them a footjob. I do not enjoy this.

So I went into the Adventures of Shuggy expecting this same thing, with the finish of a child-like Lovecraftesque setting, aww look at that baby Shoggoth with his fangs and cute eyes. And I was kind of right, except somehow, this was fun for the short time I could actually stand platforming without wanting to blow my own brains out with a harpoon gun.

The story of the game, not that anybody who plays platform games cares about story, as they're usually just jammed in there like a penis inside of an alligator when you tried that kinky sex, is about Shuggy trying to clear his new castle from whatever haunted denizens it now contains. You do this by going through many different levels, collecting so many keys along the way you probably could open the door to the secret Vatican library... Or every chastity belt in a 1800's pornography.

These levels are where this game stands out to most other platformers. For one, these levels give you many different ways to go through them, meaning it is very easy to progress through the game in any way you want, similar to each stage in Super Meat Boy. The other thing these levels give over any other platformer is the sheer amount of gimmicks there are for each level to keep it fresh, it's like a box of chocolate, you never know what you're going to get, if you want to quote the greatest man who has ever lived and the now leader of a Mexican Drug Cartel, Forrest Gump.

These different gimmicks include moving about smaller balls that get scared of you like a jaguar in near some school kids to unlock cages, rotating the screen in order to move yourself or objects about a level, or after a set time, using past copies of yourself in order to press down buttons and progress onwards. While many of these different gimmicks have been used before, the fact that you have so many of these together to keep it fresh, make this a much more enjoyable game.

So, did this change my view of Platformers? No, no it did not, the entire genre still makes me want to shoot anybody dressed in a Super Mario costume. What it did show is that I can find some games that don't more me after 5 minutes of playing in this genre, instead letting me play at least 30 minutes before i feel the need to lay down to sleep on a railway track made out of plutonium.

Dishonored - Christmas Rant

Rofling Officer: Welcome to the Dishonoured Christmas review! This is an annual tradition we have where we review one of the biggest games of the year at Christmas time, last year it was Skyrim, and this year it is Dishonoured! So grab your runes and bonecharms, you'll need all the power you can get to stomach that fantasy that is Beyond Stupid's Christmas review!

 

Jooseman: Oh Dishonoured, possibly the most epic game of the year in content, game play, developers, and taste of Ice Cream they sell. Made by Arkane, a French studio who probably missed out the u in the name Dishonored to spite us British (I'm correcting it in the rant) the bastards, with possibly the greatest names in this genre working on it short of actually hiring the prophets of the Abrahamic religions as the cleaning staff in studio, including Harvey Smith who worked on 2 of the greatest games of all time ever, including my actual favourite, Deus Ex, as well as the art designer for City 17 in Half Life fucking 2. This game was essentially created as a masturbation aid for me and those guys who do it in the local public toilets, and it seems in almost no way this can be a cynical review, but as we know I'm a cynical fuck who takes the first half of A Christmas Carol as a guide book to live his life, oh I can, and I will.

Plot - Probably Includes Spoilers

Joose: There is one major thing to say about the plot, and that is the fact that it seems to come straight from the Cliché School of Cliché Clicheness. Everything about the plot is so predictable even a decapitated Nostradamus could have predicted everything which was going to happen within it. The plot in itself is nothing special at all, everything in it has been done so many times, you're surprised you can even play the game without getting as bored as you would if spent your days sat in a freezer. It essentially had the writing of a 10 year old who had just seen a load of films.

The plot basically starts with you arriving back without a cure for a plague ravaging the city... Also theirs a plague happening, a plague which certain main characters apparently have immunity from. As you're a failure for not getting a cure you useless fuck, you start walking up to the Empress and then... HOLY SHIT I'M PLAYING HIDE AND SEEK. Due to common laws of physics and the universe, you can learn the entire concept of stealth from playing 4 seconds of Hide and Seek with a little kid (more on that in gameplay). This also sets up the only character development Corvo gets in the entire game, his relationship with a little kid, like some sort of assassin Jimmy Saville (I hope there's not fan fiction in which the relationship is like that... there probably is) so he wanders up to the Empress, she suffers a sudden case of death, and you get blamed. Yay, happy starts!

So you're in prison, and then you get executed, the end... Oh wait no, the Resistance come and free you, who you then meet. The Resistance are for whatever reason made up of the most evil looking and sounding men to exist since Hitler had sex with Stalin, as well as one pervert, what could possibly ever go wrong. So you wander around doing chores for them like assassinating high up people in government and the like, average stuff, and this brings me to the first level, in which you have to eliminate High Overseer Campbell. If you're doing the pacifist run, be aware that this is one of the few actual fun "assassinations" you do. You brand him a heretic so he is kicked out of the Overseers, yay sorted. Now the next mission which is in a very refreshing setting, and by refreshing setting I mean the same one as before, the developers aren't even hiding the fact that they're reusing levels here, this is like selling a printed out picture of a Van Gogh painting, with a semen stain in the middle of it. So you do the pacifist route and you get to the Golden Cat, and you get a pretty cool scene in which it seems that Corvo has an S&M fetish, in which he starts causing pain/pleasure to an art dealer in order to get some information. Surely this sets us up for a great assassination? Nope, if you did it the pacifist way, you get a guy explain to you what he did to get rid of them non violently.

This is a major problem with the game, the fact that if you go completely pacifist, while it makes the whole game more satisfying, you get fucked over like paying for a Transsexual prostitute in Bangkok, and while this will be more evident in the gameplay part, I feel I can talk about the boss part of this here. While the game is much more of a challenge, and hence more enjoyable because you went pacifist, it makes the bosses as boring as a lap dance from a paraplegic. Sometimes you don't even get to see what happens, like for the Golden Cat level, where instead you are just treated to a description of all the cool things you just missed, like the game is trying to mock you, which it probably is. To be fair though, the pacifist route also leads to better things like the Boyle party, but I'm trying to fucking rant here, don't interrupt me you shit.

Anyway you do a bunch of other cool levels, like the Boyle Party one, you finally get your revenge on Evil Chancellor Mr Generic, and everything is all fine and dandy... No wait, it's not, because Corvo is an idiot who missed possibly the most obvious plot twist this side of a game of twister. The plot twist was so obvious you could have seen it coming from the fucking moon, but not Corvo no, he didn't notice what was happening until he got hit by a truck, kidnapped and tortured until he believed this plot twist happened. Seriously, you need the IQ of about 5, and your brains being removed slowly by a spoon, and you would still figure this plot twist out. Your evil looking allies are actually fucking evil. The only way this could have been more obvious is if they made your allies Saddam Hussein masturbating to pictures of Hitler. I don't understand why this was considered smart in anyway, but it carried on a great game anyway.

RO: The plot of this game really isn't up to much at all, it's so basic and boring it's barely even worth mentioning. The only plot twist there is, is so cliched and trite and appalling I thought the game was actually a deconstructionist satire... I mean, a game this good couldn't possibly have a plot twist this dreadful right? Wrong. The plot takes a right turn at shit after this plot twist, whereas before it was just boring. I don't feel too comfortable spoiling, but I can't laugh at it otherwise. After your allies betray you and leave you for dead (Wow I've never seen THAT before...) you start to seek revenge on THEM. So essentially your goals never change throughout the game: you always want revenge. I was expecting that Emily would turn out to be cruel and evil to give Corvo a moral dilemma, or the plague to all have been caused by the Empress, or at least something surprising, but no, you just go to an island and rescue Emily. If you want. There are three endings, one where Corvo rescues Emily and she turns Dunwall around to be prosperous again, one where Corvo saves Emily but the plague is out of control and bugger all changes, and one where Corvo lets Emily die, the city goes to shit and Corvo leaves on a boat. Only one of these endings is decent, the rest are appallingly anticlimactic and just a plain let down. The plot of this game is like eating an incredibly bland ham sandwich only for someone to say "'Ere, have some fuckin' turds mixed in there" and you start eating a ham and shit sandwich. Certainly not the best part of this game...

Gameplay

Joose: I have one major problem with the gameplay and that is the fact that it doesn't feel as improvised as in games like Deus Ex. In Deus Ex you had to MacGyver your way through the game, never sticking to one single game style because it wouldn't work or because recourses such as ammo was scarce, while in this, you can stick more rigidly to one path than a Jihadist Tightrope Walker, you never feel like you have to improvise, the only time you have to come close to that is if you have no tranquiliser darts fighting the teleporting enemies, but even that seems easy enough. None of the play styles feel special and make you have to improvise to complete the game. Yes you can choose to do that, such as sticking a bomb to a rat and then running him into  group of enemies through possession, but what's the point in that when there is a much better way the game supplies you do play... Unless you're a psychotic Dr Doolittle though, that could work.

So stealth in this game is enormously enjoyable, tense and exciting, and I would almost certainly recommend people to play the game like a creepy pervert. The game is very short especially if you play it as an FPS, while using stealth combined with a higher difficulty and pacifism (FYI I played on hardest difficulty and accidentally killed one person in the game) makes the game much exciting to play, and is almost certainly the best way to play the game, even if you are actually a serial killer and take away the pacifism way (which I would recommend for a first play through.) As I said though, pacifism makes the bosses much more boring on a whole, and removes the amount of fun ways you have through the game (the only weapon you literally have is you tranquiliser darts) but that doesn't mean it is a different sort of fun. All in all, I would recommend it for a second playthrough or so .

RO: Now I'm a massive stealth fan, I love them so much, especially Thief and Hitman, and this game has spades of what made Thief great. Open levels, guards with lots of character, plenty to steal and non lethal and lethal options. The stealth is great and very, very fresh, as in most stealth games its a slow process of waiting for guards to look the other way then running out, so while quite slow its always tense. But the way Dishonoured does it is by using the Blink power to turn stealth into a fast frantic yet still tense affair. It's fantastic. One problem I do have is with the non lethal take downs. There aren't enough. You can choke people out, and use a tranquiliser dart, but that's about it. You get a very, very limited number of darts, and choking people out gets weirdly repetitive when doing it for the 500th time, but these complaints vanish when I remember all the ways you can just avoid guards entirely.

However if you feel like doing an all action, testosterone fueled rampage across Dunwall, well Dishonoured has you covered you mad bastard. The variety of ways to murder people in this game is a rich barrel of schadenfreude that stretches down to the Earth's core, which means you'll never feel like they're scraping the bottom of the barrel. You can shoot people, make rats eat people, crossbow people, blast people into walls, blow people up with landmines and grenades, but the game seems to say "FUCK VARIETY, now use your fucking sword you cunt.", as you can't ever unequip the sword from your right hand, which is intensely annoying in a stealth playthough, as you'll never use the bloody thing. I haven't much experience with an action playthrough, but I know it can be hard as nails, and you always have to stay quick on your feet, so it does some very intense. In fact I'm gonna play a bit now (cue elevator music) OK, I'm back, and that was really really good, go do that.

Art

Joose: The entire art and design of the world itself is amazing, being a sort of cartoony style, but at the same time feeling like a very gritty and dark game, which works really well and effectively together. The entire city looks and feels amazing and real, but more about that below, it also shows that a game doesn't have to look good in order to feel amazing, and an art style like this prevents the game from eventually becoming and seeming outdated. This wasn't funny at all either, I CAN'T BE FUNNY ABOUT ART OK, IT'S NOT POSSIBLE.

Also one more thing about the art is that all the characters look like they have had their face surgically readjusted by a pair of shit covered scissors. They all look awful, and have the facial expressions of a dead duck. I understand why it was done, it was to give the aristocrats and the lower classes etc, different facial expressions and the like, but instead it makes everyone look like they're in the middle of chewing gravel. It just doesn't seem natural to me and is really off putting about the game, and by really off putting I mean not at all, because if you choose games based on how well the faces of characters look, you can go bugger yourself with a garden rake.

RO: The art is GORGEOUS, every character has plenty of personality just in their faces alone. Every character is also hideous, which works because of the crapsack world Dunwall is. The artists and level designers for this game really need the credit they deserve, the art in this game is like staring at someone prepare a cake: it looks gorgeous, and you know it'll taste great, and you'll get to lick the bowl if you're lucky...

World

Joose: The city of Dunwall in itself is amazing, the design, the feel, the look of it is so glorious, it makes it seem like a real, dystopian city, with the feel British Empire, industrial London, or Edinburgh, which makes sense as the game was at first, actually set in an Industrial London. I have described the city in the past as a cross between Ankh Morpork, London and Pyongyang. This isn't surprising that it is amazing as the person who did the artwork and design for Dunwall was Viktor Antonov, as in the person created City 17, in Half Life 2, one of the greatest designed Dystopian cities in gaming ever created by anyone. This is what I mean by this game getting some of the best names in the field to create it. It's like the second coming of Jesus, if the second coming turned out to be a little shitter than expected.

There is a major problem with the design of the world however, and that is that you never feel any connection with it. You care as much about the whole whale oil situation as you do about knowing about your grandmas orgy parties. The world and everything in it seems extremely interesting and they could have done so much more with it, but you just don't care, it just seems to plod along on its own with the most badly recorded tape recorder messages since the audio Book of Barney's first Porno.  This is in comparison to Deus Ex Human Revolution which took you around, and showed you the world you were in, drawing you into it more as you could experience much more closely what it was telling you about. In Dishonoured everything seems to just be very black and white politically, one guys bad, the others good, then there are some other bad guys you have to defeat, while in Deus Ex you have a much more in depth social side to it, with anti-augmentation riots and the like. Then again most of you wouldn't read the books in any of the games you excitement loving fucks, please go shove an ice pick through your brain while sticking you cock in the oven, for the good of humanity. Not enjoying reading in a game about excitement, the bloody well cheek of it.

RO: The world of Dunwall never ceases to surprise me. Deus Ex style, there is tons of filler content like written documents that flesh out the world, and audiographs similar to the audiologs in Bioshock or System Shock. Oh and there is a very interesting back-story to the game, that teases you with small tidbits of information until you're scouring the Hound Pits' Pub for more information about whale oil. All this together paints a rich, lovely and disgustingly corrupt world for you to explore. It's like if the Chris Nolan Batman films took place in a Daily Mail political cartoon... for some reason.

Enemies

Joose: Now, Ladies and Gentleman who have lost the will to live after reading this far down, here as me, examining the enemies of Dishonoured like some sort of shit, not qualified biologist. First off, we have the Tall Boys, these all look like Nazi Circus performers, they are hard to kill, and impossible to take down completely if you're a pacifist, avoid them. Next we have the Bottle Street Gang, who you would expect to all sound either Irish or Cockney, and I wouldn't be surprised if they got Phil Fucking Mitchell to model for them, they all look adorable, like a Dick Van Dyke from Mary Poppins. Alas they don't speak in these voices, or are usually bad guys, why are they on this list? Fuck knows, NEXT! Now we have the City Watch, who seem to be the most generic looking City Watch I have ever seen in anything, they all look like a character from the artwork for the Discworld books, and I kind of imagine they walk around saying "Allo Allo Allo what's all this then?" Next we have the Elite Guard who all look like Jason Statham in fancy dress. After this we have the Warfare Overseer, which will haunt my dreams for the rest of my life, or until never, either one. They also all have dogs which look like they are a result of the sex between a rat and a Rottweiler. I'm surprised the next one are included on the list of enemies, Courtesans. Courtesans enemies? Not in my philosophy they ain't. Now finally, for one last Special one, Hiram Burrows, the Lord Regent, who very disappointingly does not wear a Goatee he likes to stroke, that just ruined the game for me. I think I'd make great enemy guides for games, hire me.

RO: Another weakness of the game: there is barely any variety of enemies. Most are humanoids that behave similarly, the City Watch and the Overseers are remarkably identical to fight really, there are mainly just aesthetic differences. And some of the enemies are incredibly annoying, like those things that shoot slime at you. They're almost impossible to spot until you've ran right into them, and they do tons of damage really fast. Plus they're really over used in the second to last level... so infuriating.

However! One of the enemies is absolutely incredible: the Weepers. They're terrifying things, essentially just innocent people affected with the plague but they go mental and try to murder you. Alerting them is always really scary, and when they swarm around you I get flashes of the Walking Dead and guys getting eaten... brr it makes me shudder just thinking about them. They're scary, but you also pity them. I've yet to kill a Weeper in my Dishonoured career, because I know they're just poor plague stricken people who don't know what they're doing, and it takes a lot for a game to make me care about enemies like that...

Conclusion

Joose: Overall this is one of my favourite, and one of the greatest games of the year. Yes I can criticise this game so much, but that is only because shit looks so much more like shit when placed up against gold... then again shit always looks like shit, bad analogy. So yes, the amazing parts of this game easily cancel out the worse parts of the game, and I do wish I could go back and play this game again without the knowledge of it, if you want a cliché box quote from me. I recommend it so much, why haven't you bloody played it yet?

RO: Probably my second or third favourite game of the year (which is surprising I thought it was a shoe in, ah well check back at the New Year for our Top 15). The world it paints, the amazing stealth, and gorgeous art, the sympathetic enemies, the tons of personality, the tons of variety, the openness of the levels... Oh it's all great. There are major, major complaints of course, like the awful storyline, and the lack of characters that actually make you empathise etc. But the gameplay is so good and the world so rich that I'm prepared to forgive Dishonoured for a lot. So how does this result in a recommendation? Yes, a very solid and organic experience, please, please buy it, and let Arkane continue making great games.

Joose: And a Merry Christmas from all at Beyond Stupid

2012 in Film - Day 23/5 Advent Rant

Rofling Officer: Well that's another 12 months in the bag, 12 months of movies that we mostly didn't see (cinemas are expensive y'know). But today's list is some highlights, some of the blockbusters from this year that we actually did see (I refused to watch the Amazing Spider-Man, so that isn't there) so to the interest of Bob, the man who cleans out the public toilets in Winchester, let's begin:

Prometheus

Jooseman: Prometheus, bloody Prometheus. The thought that I willingly paid money to money to see this armadillos shit of a film fills me full of fucking anger. This film, while not the worst of 2012 by any means, because if you think this film is worse than fucking Wrath of the Titans, please voluntarily go to the nearest suicide clinic. Anyway, now we've got the pleasantries out of the way, onto the main part. This film sucked so much cock it suffered stomach rupture due to the amount of cum it was swallowing. This film had plot with the structure of a building which has foundations made of biscuit wafers. It starts with two people finding some cave paintings in a really surprising location, a chocolate factory... I mean a cave. They then automatically realise these cave paintings are a map to somewhere, because they two people have at some point in the past had their brains replaced by a fucking sat nav. So Future Indiana Jones and his significant other head off to this planet on a spaceship because some dead billionaire believes this quest isn't crazy... and I'm Superman. On this spaceship they meet the other people will be joining them, including Hells Angels Geologist, Pudding for Brains Biologist, Uptight Porno Secretary Charlize Theron, two random pilots who get 5 lines and die, and Idris Elba, who is fucking awesome. Also there is David, an awesome android, apparently played by me.

So they mill about on this planet for a while like they own the place for a while, constantly doing things to nearly get themselves killed and one does, at the same time as impregnating a sterile woman, because fuck logic, grow aliens. This brings me to the main problem with the film, the most exciting part comes from a fucking Caesarean. If, in a Sci-Fi action film, your most exciting part is a Caesarean, then your plot is about as interesting as a painted brick wall. It was an exciting fucking  Caesarean, and that scene was done well, but still, you have the writing capabilities of a monkey in a dishwasher. So then we find out Dead Billionaire is actually alive, and is in fact Rupert Murdoch wanting to live forever. So they mill about for a while, find out the planet Is actually a military testing ground for the Engineers, which is like the US government making maps to Los Alamos during the Manhattan project, a shit ending happens, people die and the woman leaves with the head of David. Also then the most lacklustre chest burst ever happens, perhaps the Alien was just feeling bored that morning. The film plot can be described as , Future Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Tentacle Porn.

RO: Fucking hell he wrote a lot. I don't have as much animosity towards this film as he does, probably because I just borrowed the DVD and watched it, whereas he paid actually money to see this piece of shit... First off, let's get the good out of the way: I really, really like the opening; it gives me a great feeling of journeying into the unknown, and the writing portrays the mystery of it quite well. The special effects were also very, very nice, particularly in the appalling climax (OK that was a little backhanded). Oh and as Jooseman stated above, that scene with the Caesarian/abortion was fucking intense and terrifying, very well done there Mr Scott. However, despite these things: this is the worst film I've seen this year. Yes, yes, there is far worse crap out there, but still, watching this piece of shit is like eating a computer monitor, garnished with lashings of hot vomit. And the monitor is made from a septic tank. And the septic tank was full of copies of the Human Centipede.

OK reasons at last: the characters are the dumbest, dumbest morons who ever managed to find out which were their arses and which were their elbows. How this idiots ever became scientists is totally unbelievable, unless there was a gas leak in the cryo-pod things and they all got brain damage. I'm not even being facetious, I literally expected that retard biologist to say something like "I like plants, they.. very... goood harblegribblehblrhfn..." and then falls over dead. Douchebag. There's one scene where the biologist and this other guy meet an unknown and obviously hostile alien lifeform. The thing looks like a king cobra crossed with an elephant penis, and it even starts hissing at them, so what does the biologist do? He goes over to it making "awww" noises and tries to stroke it. Suffice to say, it attacks and kills him, and the guy has the infuriating arrogance to seem shocked and scared. The characters are that stupid, and it's almost impossible to watch as a result.

 Another thing that makes this film terrible are the character arcs. There aren't any. The nadir of this is Charlize Theron's character, who starts as a bitch, then gets crushed to death, while still a bitch. The main character's attitudes do change, but only because she had an abortion, and the end of her arc is total bullshit. The ending overall is one giant cockslap, there is nothing satisfying about it other than the fact that so many characters die. I think I'll close by saying that the Doctor Who episode "The Waters of Mars" was very similar to this film, but infinitely better, cheaper to make and cheaper to watch. Go watch that right now, Prometheus fans, and tell me how wrong I'm not... (I wrote shit loads too)

Avengers

RO: I will be the only one reviewing this, mainly because like another couple of people in the world, my partner hasn't seen this film. Right, first off before I start this I want to say I enjoyed this movie. Whatever you take away from this little review thing don't let it be that this film is bad. It's just not good. It's enjoyable, nothing more and nothing less. It's the film equivalent of a fireworks display, lots of colour and flash but with nothing else to it. Unlike the Dark Knight Saga there's no themes, no complex characters or real story to speak of. It's just a bunch of superheroes trying to stop the supervillain using his super evil powers to take over the world. Which is fine, I mean I enjoyed Independence Day even though it had an incredibly basic plot for the most part, because of the awesome explosions and fighting, and I enjoy the Avengers because all it is one big excuse to show explosions and amazing fight scenes. BUT YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP IF YOU THINK THIS IS A GREAT MOVIE. I've heard it described as the best superhero film of all time. Fuck. That. The Dark Knight is a billion billion times better on every single level. This isn't even a good movie, the villain is a stock, one dimensional douche bag who it's easier to laugh at than to be intimidated by. He's not even that unlikeable, he's just cute. That scene where he gets the German people to bow to him was hilariously bad, not only because of the amount of cliches involved but also because of how silly it all is.

There is no plot, the extent is that: Loki is coming with an army, Loki is here, fight Loki, defeat Loki. That's it, there is literally nothing else. It's just one big excuse for an enormous fight scene. Which, I state again, is fine, but don't. you. dare. try to tell me that this is a great movie. Go fuck yourself. It's enjoyable enough, but there are no characters, no plot, no themes, nothing to ponder, nothing that defies conventions. It's just there to exist to make money and entertain you. So please, never defend this movie or try to compare it to any of Nolan's Batmen, it doesn't hold a candle. It doesn't even hold a candle to Superman Fucking II... so there you go. No this wasn't very funny, I know, but I don't care, this point had to be made.

Skyfall

Joose: There is honestly not much to say Skyfall at all. really, the plot is very basic James Bond except with a huge twist at the end, which was interesting. The main point is that the film is much, much better than Quantum of Solace, in which the bad guy wanted to made a South American country pay more money for water. The action scenes where good in this, except the fight scene at the top of the neon lit hotel room, which looked like they had just started a fight in an obnoxiously dark strip club.

The Main thing I want to talk about is the Villain, who is altogether pretty shit. They could have replaced the bad guy with a fucking stick, and it would make no difference. The bad guy was essentially a bipolar, psychotic, children's TV character in his personality. At some point in the fim he switches from expert hacker to "rargh rargh I'm gonna shoot you up" personality for no reason, like in between scenes they switched his brains with Raoul Moat after shoving them through a blender. His character barely develops, and his only point seems to be to develop M's character, which, to be honest, works. The main point of the movie was M and her character development, up until the amazing climax. Too sum this movie up, in most years, this would be the film of the year if it wasn't for these next two movies, I have no huge criticism about the film except the bad guy, but I can't think of huge holy shit standout moments like the next films, so I have nothing to talk about, and this wasn't funny, so I'll just do a little dance *pretend to see dancing*

RO: He said everything there is to say about Skyfall really, it's a great movie, go watch it. Oh and that climax was amazing...

The Hobbit

Joose: Ah the Hobbit, the film I have literally waited 9 years for. To be fair, I've probably waited even longer than that, considering that this book is my favourite book ever, it's so good I can't even think of an analogy to talk about how good it is. Combine a favourite book with the fact that the Lord of the RIngs films are also my favourite films ever, and you get as much expectation as you may from the 2nd Coming. I was waiting for this film for so, so long, and does it meet my expectations of it? Yes and No.

First off the plot, and the plot should be known to you by now considering this book is from the fucking 30's, if you don't know the plot of this by now go and pick up a book you uneducated fucks. Basically though, this sums up the first part of the journey itself, going from The Shire, to the entrance of Mirkwood, as Thorin and his company (+Bilbo) go to reclaim Erebor, while being chased by Magical Plot Orc, the most magical of all the Orcs, who didn't appear in the book. All around, the journey seems to so far be epic, like a road trip to go pick up Prostitutes and become a billionaire, however there are criticisms.

First, the characters, they are about as memorable as that one guy in Titanic who got picked up by a lifeboat and lived the rest of his life a normal person. I'm mainly talking about the dwarves here, it's obvious you could pick out Gandalf from a crowd even if he was stark naked and wearing camouflage. There are only 5 that you can both remember the names of, and who they are in the film. Thorin, obviously, and if you can't tell who he is, please go have your eyes ripped out by pliers, then Kili and Fili, Bombur who is the one who looks like he's been inflated by a tyre pump which was pumping Big Macs, and Gloin. The rest, while they can be named, I couldn't tell you who plays who, which is slightly annoying. Another problem with some of the characters is that some look older than they do in The Lord of the Rings, which makes me suspect that Gandalf discovered the time machine.

There is one character, specifically I wish to talk about, and that is Radagast. Yes you expect comedy in the Hobbit, as its based off a children's book and is slightly light hearted, but Radagast's personality belongs in the film like an orthodox Jew belongs in pornography. His character is awful, the effect of see the Necromancer/Sauron in Dol Guldur (incidentally the ruins are played by Harenhall from A Song of Ice and Fire) is completely ruined when the guy tries to get away on a fucking sledge pulled by Rabbits. Jesus, could you imagine in Saving Private Ryan the storming the beaches of Normandy is re-enacted by Squirrels. And then there is the chase scene by the orcs for him, which is essentially something out of Scooby Doo. Also how the fuck did he get to Gandalf so quickly across the mountains, while it took the dwarves so much hassle? Imagine if in the Battle of the Blackwater in Game of Thrones, when Stannis' men start playing drums, they all burst out into Phil Collins. If he was just used for comic relief I would be less annoyed but still annoyed, he just annoys me so much because he acts comical while making serious points. Yes I understand his character is supposed to be slightly like this (he's not in the books) but it's still over the top for laughs.

Finally, the 48FPS thing. I don't understand at all why this made people sick, at the start it makes everything sped up like they are all characters in a silent comedy, but you get used to it and while it can make things seem too real, and so the CGI doesn't seem as good, it wasn't bad like people said, and it does seem like the future of cinema. Anyway, that's the end of what I have to say about The Hobbit, this film was amazing, and you will see why it didn't get my film of the year soon, but I now can't wait until the next parts, Beorn will be amazing and I really, really want to see The Battle of the 5 Armies.

Dark Knight Rises

Joose: So it comes down to this as the Film of the Year. It was not an easy pick, after seeing the behemoth of the Hobbit, which is possible the greatest use of words ever, but after a large fight which involved much bloodshed, and at one point, sex, The Dark Knight Rises came out the Victor, and Batman is once again the champion, because he's the hero this post deserves.

So, first off, was this film as good as The Dark Knight? Answer, no, obviously not, and if you do go get your head checked out for accidental decapitation please. This film is nowhere near as good as The Dark Knight, which is obvious, because The Dark Knight is like a God amongst men if the films were men and this analogy wasn't shit. When I say everything about this film is like pig shit to The Dark Knight, villain and all, it's not criticising this film, it's glorifying the other, for example while Bane is an awesome character, Heath Ledgers Joker was possibly one of the greatest movie villains ever portrayed ever, even better than Super Awesome MegaVillain, in Transformers: The War for George Bush's Brain, the film which will be released in cinemas never. This doesn't prevent Bane being a bad ass, especially with his voice as he gives out bad ass speeches like an automatic speech making machine... with a gun.

Yes I have criticism with this film, there are major plot holes I do not wish to spoil, because I would rather you watched this film and experienced its awesome power properly. There is also the fact that Batman still has his one liners which are so shit they appear to have been pulled out of a Donkeys arse. Leave the one liners at home, Mr Wayne. Also Alfred seems to go on a holiday half way through and is barely ever mentioned again until the end, so it leaves you feeling he left for Dignitas, until he shows up again, which ruins that joke, and I'm a bad man.

The film does so much right though, the entire plot is amazing filled with awesome set pieces especially one charge at the end I won't tell you any more about, the characters are fucking bad ass, the entire thing is just so good. Christopher Nolan, you bloody well did it again... and now you're teaming up with Zack "Sucker Punch Cunt" Snyder for a film about possibly the shittest Superhero with an allergy to Kryptonite ever, and I feel that it will be lacklustre and disappointing. Why, just why?

Christmas and 2012 Music - Belated Day 16/4 Advent Rant

Jooseman: Jesus Christ this is late. Blame the Rofling Officer.

Rofling Officer: It’s the most wonderful time of the year according to Andy Williams. Unfortunately this timeless message comes in the form of an incredibly monotonous Christmas song. SPEAKING OF WHICH, welcome to Jooseman and I’s rundown of some of the worst Christmas songs we could think of, which will be another part of our Advent Calendar.

Jooseman: So here we are, reviewing music. I'm possibly the most hypocritical bastard since PETA tried to make my skin into a coat. After I did the huge rant last week about how I hate pretty much all music critics for being pretentious fucks, and now I am doing this myself, thus showing once and for all I am the greatest person in the universe. Then again, Christmas Music can't really be considered music anyway, more a guy hammering strawberry jelly into your brain over and over again. Now on to the first song.

Mistletoe and Wine - Cliff Richard

Joose: Ah Cliff Richard, that man who at a mention, will instantly cause all women above the age of 60 to drop their pants and start to masturbate furiously . Every Christmas he turns up like an annoying wart on a very warty person, to sing in a voice which sounds as if he has some guy shoving bags of gravel down his throat, and this song is no different.  The song has the monotone styling's of harmonizing Daleks, as he sings about wine and mistletoe. He may as well be singing about mistletoe and incinerating Father Christmas in a furnace for how related those two things are, it would make a better song anyway. I would make jokes about the video itself, but him gliding around possibly the most prickish imaginary village possible is extremely boring to talk about. Then again, he is still releasing shirtless calendars at seemingly the age of 296 years old, so he must be doing something right. 

RO: Even just thinking about writing these words makes me ill: Cliff Fucking Richard. Oh Christ(mas)… I can’t take it anymore. I can’t tell you how much I despise this man, he’s hideous and always was, no matter what he thinks (by now his ego is so enormous that he has to book an entire train cart to rest it in), and he’s an appalling and smarmy singer. Hence, one of the worst Christmas songs of all time: Mistletoe and Wine… Watching this cunt sing the song is like ripping out each pube one by one with solidified semen, but it rubs off onto your hands with the pubes and you find out it wasn’t semen all along, but super glue (I don’t know where I’m going with this, I hate this song so much). It’s also repetitive to the point of brain trauma, and excruciating to the point where I have castrated myself through cringing. Christmas Time, Mistletoe and Wine/ makes me want to commit some crimes/ put Cliff on the fire/ And watch him scream/ A time to rejoice when your PC blue-screens.

8 Days of Christmas - Destiny's Child

Joose: Now for the biggest ear exploding travesty since I shoved a Tnt fed marmoset into them. The song has the musical styling's of a dead parrot in a wind machine. How can anybody listen to this song without very slowly going insane and systematically commit genocide on anybody who even dares pick up a microphone to sing. But that's just me thinking about what I would do if I ruled the world. I wish I did. The video itself is a load of consumer obssessed, scantily clad women, walking around a shop, buying shit and seemingly giving blowjobs to cashiers on the side. It's basically the worlds shittest description of Capitalism ever, like if Karl Marx happened to have a prostitute habit while writing the Communist Manifesto. But that's an alternate History scenario for you.

RO: Destiny’s Child… what have you done? Imagine crossing the Human Centipede with Pretty Woman, and you get the feeling I get when I listen to this… This truly is the worst butchering of a classic I’ve ever seen, it’d be like making Bugs Bunny in!... Schindler’s List or have an appalling girl band make a traditional song all about being a superficial whore. The singing/rapping/squalling doesn’t match the music at all, it just makes me imagine the guys recording the music were hired from the top of the nearest building and mixed the track with suicidal thoughts going through their head. Truly, the only thing that slightly redeems this song is Destiny’s Child singing and dancing in incredibly tight fitting Santa outfits anytime they sing it. An awful Christmas song, but ironically is truly reflective of what human beings are like, so kudos Destiny’s Child, you’re geniuses. On the 8th Day of Christmas my Baby Gave to Me/ a chloroform soaked rag so I can’t fucking sing/On the 7th Day of Christmas My baby Gave to Me/a knife to my brain and a hrblegrblesrbling… (collapses dead).

Wonderful Christmastime - Paul McCartney

Joose: Ah, Wonderful Christmastime, a song which has so many synthesisers popping out of it like your intestines after you catch the Ebola virus, but also a song by one of the greatest musical geniuses of all time, Paul McCartney, yet it still ended up shitter than a cats litter tray after you force fed it laxatives you horrible fuck. The song has the lyrical capabilities of a lobotomised dog, as Paul McCartney sings while sounding half constipated. The video itself is almost not even worse discussing, as it switches between him singing in a smoke filled room, which after the song you wish was Carbon Monoxide, and to some depressed looking families. This is what the musical genius behind songs like Let it Be and Hey Jude did. I think I'll cry.

RO: Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas time is one of those songs I feel so bad for. It’s like if you googled an ex-girlfriend to try and hook up with again now Satan is in danger of tripping over your standards to find out they’d been committed after attempting to eat a live rodent: it could have been something special, but it just tastes of the plague. Paul McCartney is a living British icon, and one of the greatest musicians of our time, but this song is shit. It barely even SOUNDS like Paul McCartney; just sounds like a speech synthesiser set to cliché mode which some guy making beats off of that. Granted, it’s good for dancing to at Christmas parties, but every other aspect of the song makes it sound quite reprehensively appalling. I’m afraid to actually attack this song or the artist as I have so much respect for him, so let’s just leave it at this song is disappointing drab and plain bad… I can’t do the song lyrics thing for this one, it’s too depressing…

Last Christmas - Wham

Joose: Last Christmas, now coming to any shopping centre music player near you, with nonsensical lyrics, apparently about a butcher giving away any leftovers to people for Christmas before having his heart broken by you. YOU BASTARD. The song is played so much at Christmas, you feel like the song would induce an aneurysm in a deaf person. The song represents what Christmas means, if, for Christmas, you happened to want to kill any last vestiges of humanity in the world. I sure do, so why don't you? Also we may be doing something special with this song.

RO: Wham are one of those really old boy bands that just seem creepy now that all the members have grown into grizzled middle aged men, same with people like David Bowie and the Lockerbie bomber (holy shit). Then again even at the time their music was shit, and I was born in 1996 for fuck’s sake. This is a prime example of using Christmas just to choke out another love song that will rake in the pennies. To quote the great philosopher Adam Levine, “if I hear one more fuckin’ love song I’ll be sick” Now I’m at a payphone… writing this down for you all to read you lucky bastards, and it just occurred to me that I don’t hate this song as much as I think I do, because this Friday I’ll be singing it for you ,you lucky shits! Check the channel for that. Anyway: the song is drearily boring and predictable, and it’s nothing you haven’t heard a billion times before in other better and worse songs. It’s a popcorn song; nothing brand new and exciting, just something you stick on at tedious get togethers to delay the inevitable realisation that we’re all going to die (possibly on the 21st of December [note to morons, this won’t happen]). Good for white noise, but little else. Last Christmas, I ripped out my heart/Then the very next day/I gave it to you/This year, to save me from jail/I’ll keep to my restraining order, order…

Fairytale of New York - The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl

Joose: Finally a good Christmas song, and one of the few which can keep me sane around Christmas time. I don't know why, it just seems to sum up mine, and the rest of Britain's (yes it's a British song, not an Irish song, I can rant with you about it if you want, but that's not funny, you humourless arsehole. Please go jump into a pit of burning Komodo Dragons) spirit around Christmas time. It just warms my heart... as much as you can warm the darkness of space, to hear me represented in a song. Because it is about me, and anybody who disagrees is a dirty, stinking liar. Also Shane MacGowan looks like a rat who has had his face imploded into itself, while under attack by a shovel, but t'songs still good.

RO:  At the beginning of the end, here is my favourite Christmas song: A Fairytale of New York, a bitterly cynical and refreshing story in the guise of a Christmas song. Listen to the chorus and you might be forgiven for mistaking it to be a happy feelgood song, but in reality it’s about a break up, Taylor Swift style (not really). The tune is great, and Kirsty McColl is a good singer. Shame about the Pogues singer sounding like they pulled in a random drunken homeless man in mid shitting stance to record his lines, but overall it’s a fantastic song and is the recipe for a wonderful Christmas time. There really isn’t much I can say to entertain myself, never mind you, so check that song out, it's really really good! Enjoy.

Joose: And now time for song of the year. Which song will it be, oooh ahhhh, you already fucking know as you'll have read below, so here it is.

Call me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen

Joose: If there was one song which deserves to be archived by congress and stored in the Smithsonian for later generations, it is this song. It is really the greatest use of human creativeness since the paining of the Sistine Chapel. Is it bad that I'm only being slightly ironic here, I liked this song so ironically that it has come round to being fucking amazing, and I actually love it now. I'm confused. It's much better than most Modern Pop.

I don't know what the best song would be if you want a non Modern Pop song, . I still stand by Call me Maybe being song of the year, if not the fucking decade though. And if anybody disagrees, please go lubricate your head and shove it up a dogs shitter.

RO: Here's our favourite song of the year. And it is… Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen! When Jooseman suggested this, I thought he was speaking ironically, as it seems like the kind of song he despises, full of feelings of love and warmth and a woman getting soap all over her (no complaints from him about the topless man however), but no, he was serious. And so am I, this song is ludicrously catchy, like a baseball glove crossed with a catch on a door (Most Trippy Analogy 2012?), and it has one of the best endings to a song I’ve ever see (I’m talking about where the guy turns out to be gay and she has the best facial expression I’ve ever seen). Relentlessly addictive, hilarious, and actually a pretty excellent spoof, probably the year’s best (unless I remember another song from this year that was really good, I can’t think of too many at the moment) Listen to this on the strike on Midnight on the 31st of December, and magically, a new year will begin. Merry Christmas! Hey, I just met you/And this is crazy/But we used no condom/So here’s your baby.

Crusader Kings 2 - Advent Rant

Jooseman: Hello and welcome to the first of the Beyond Stupid Christmas Rants, which we will be doing every Saturday up to Christmas Eve, as well as the big rant itself in Christmas Eve. The Christmas Eve rant isn't necessarily our Game of the Year, and if you believe it is, you have the brains of a dead Chimpanzee whose head has been replaced by a Jam Sandwich. We will, however, have our top 15 games of the year rant on New Year's Eve, so cling onto your pants until then (Please do, I don't want any lawsuits about you losing them on the bus.) So, for the first rant CRUSADER KINGS 2!

Crusader Kings 2 was one of my favourite games of this year. It was made by Paradox and is a Grand Strategy game, in the vein of Europa Universalise and Hearts of Iron, made by the same company. It is also one of the first Grand Strategy games I have ever actually played enough of to learn and enjoy. Compared to some of the other games like this, which have you thrown off the cliff by Popeye on steroids, this one has a gentle (and this is a relative term, like how having you head kicked in by a chav is probably more gentle than a Great White Shark) learning curve. Hell I didn't use the tutorial at all, but managed to pick up the game within a few hours, but I'm just an egotistical bastard.

The premise of the game is that you take control of a dynasty across medieval Europe (starting in 1066 before the Battle of Stamford Bridge and the possibility to exist until 1453, with the end of the medieval period as the Byzantine Empire falls) this is in comparison to Europa Universalise, in which you take control of a country instead of a character. You must then plot, backstab, marry, war and probably play monopoly in order to take territories in Europe and become the most powerful Dynasty, as others fall around you, like if the world was controlled by dominoes.  The problem is, it is exceptionally hard work to keep your dynasty running when people plot to do the same to you, the bastards (bastards also included),  and one weak heir could spell doom to you, which brings me to my first hint, don't have your heir as a Celibate Snowman, because then you're screwed.

Rofling Officer: Ah, Crusader Kings 2! You marvellous bastard... the biggest time leech I've played since we genetically crossed a vampire and a tick that feast on the space time continuum. Hands down the best strategy game of the year, and one of the best I've played for a while. It's tough to pin down why I like it so much, as when I first played it I was a little baffled as of what to do. But now, six months on my empire stretches across Europe and the Middle East, through marrying off ugly daughters and sending ugly sons off to die. And god forbid I have an ugly wife who refuses to put out, or makes more ugly children. Did I mention I hate ugly people in this game?

Joose: Characters have different traits which determine how they cope in the world, for example a character who is a kinslayer may be hated by almost everyone the entire world over, or a dwarf may lack stats in pretty much everything, or a fat person may have the possibility to crush anyone in his way (this is not in game.) This makes the game interesting as it mixes up how you play, for example your first leader may have extremely good intrigue, essentially making him a less bad ass James Bond and in the process be able to stop plots against him by learning about them beforehand, however his son may lack in almost everything, and you have to throw money at almost everyone in order to make them like him, like he's at a strip club. This keeps you always at attention, thinking of new schemes in order to succeed.

RO: Moving on from people with severe aesthetic deficiencies, why else do I like the game? Well it's probably the deepest feudalism game ever made, and that's what first attracted me to it: it's a Game of Thrones game essentially (which is convenient as a GoT mod has been made for it, watch out for that later). There are a few niggling annoyances here and there, like how you can only declare war with a valid cassus beli, instead of just attacking by right of conquest. Though I suppose for realism, no wars have ever been fought purely for megalomania with some cock and bull story about WMDs in a middle eastern country as a cover story have they? So anyway, it's a gorgeous deep and detailed feudalism simulator, which sucks away hours and hours of your life.

Character Creator

Joose: This is one of my main bits of disappointment with the game. (You can ignore this bit if you want to because it's not essential at all.) The character creator could have been one of the best additions to the game, making it so you can mould a character how you want, even if you wanted to lead the Smurf Kingdom of Jerusalem, and then take that characters dynasty to world domination, or fail at it. Instead you get about as much customisation as if you visited a shit Plastic Surgeon, or if you stole a Mr Potato Head from a bin, you're given about 5 faces to choose from, and they all look like hamsters who have had their faces stuffed with a guys balls . It is absolutely pointless, as you can't create much character traits either, like all your characters have the education of lobotomised Stick Insect.  What it essentially is, is The Sims if the game had been created on paper by a dog... which had lost its legs.

RO: This one isn't the worst of the bunch thought, but it's still a rip off. Whereas most games have a 3D editor with detailed options (particularly as you pay extra) CK2 just has a 2D system with about 3 different faces and 12 personalities. But that isn't the worst of it, not by a long shot...

Sword of Islam

Joose: I don't understand why The Rofling Officer hates this piece of DLC. This is probably one of the best uses of DLC I have seen in a game. It doesn't just add features which had been ripped out of the game at launch, like I assume the event which allowed aliens to anally probe you was, this adds a completely new play style,  overhauling the UI, creating new gameplay events (with the introduction of decadence.) The whole point of the DLC is that it introduces the ability to play Islamic characters, which when you hear this you might say "Hey, this should be in at launch because you could change the game files already and be able to play them. Now I'm going to try have sex with a dishwasher." Well you know how I respond to you, I call you an idiot and believe that you should go sunbathe in a nuclear reactor, you tit. This does much more than just make Islamic factions playable, it also expands the map more south, to include the empire of Mali, because what you've always wanted to do in games was control an empire from Mali, being right up there with a game about being able to be a Forklift Truck Driver or being able to wash the arsehole of Mario. It a new interface to the game, as well as new gameplay techniques such as decadence, which if it gets to high, it can lead to your empire splitting up, and the fact you can declare war on any territories next you. Which kind of makes the game slightly, much easier as you can just constantly wage wars. Nevertheless, this added a lot of content into the game, as well as quite a bit of content in the free patch with it, this is how all DLC for this game should be, and I hope they add even more content in for the Republics DLC... Wait did someone say Republics? 'MERICA!!!

RO: While he has a point with it adding the new gameplay elements, it's still not enough to warrant the insane amount of money that you have to pay for this garbage. All it essentially does is green up the UI like you're monitor has been submerged in slime and let you play factions that should have been in the bloody game in the first bloody place. I feel the same about the Legacy of Rome, if Jooseman hadn't bought it me I would have boycotted it on sight. The only DLC that has interested me so far is the one where the Aztecs invade from the East. I've no idea why they took in this direction, seeing as how the game is supposed to be very realistic, but it sounds hilarious nonetheless. Then I heard about the republics DLC and now I hate the developers again. Make the DLC better please, don't just remove features from the main game and add them later on for extortionate prices...

Joose: I don't get the argument that they should be in the game when it started. They added completely new gameplay features and added to the map. By those standards, Shivering Isles shouldn't have been a DLC, or that Warcraft 3: The Frozen Throne shouldn't be an expansion, it should be in the actual game. It's bullshit reasoning, and can be used against every piece of DLC or Expansion in history.

Legacy of Rome

Joose: This is the DLC I didn't like. It's not necessarily bad, as it does add some new content, but this does feel like it should have been in the game to begin with. It added editions to Orthodox nations, such as the Byzantine Empire, nations which have been playable in the game for the start, except with as much depth as a hole created by a one legged Tapir. This annoys me, if you were going to put these nations in from the start, why didn't they improve them, and give them the features then when the game was released, instead of making them a lacklustre edition of the game, and then making you pay to fix it later on. They're like Con Artist Builders... They're like Builders.

Don't let this DLC put you off an amazing game though, as you don't need it to play anyway, and even if you so wanted it, then you can pick it up in a sale. The DLC doesn't make the game any worse.

Game of Thrones Mod

RO: Now then: the game of thrones mod. A great idea, and very well pulled off mostly. I'll first run through what I hate: the updated combat system. I hate it so much, you send Ned Stark's army into battle and you get a window up that tells you that Ned has charged into the middle of a load of Lannister troops. You click an option, and 9 times out of ten Ned dies. It's horribly inorganic and rapes the immersion factor with a cactus full of ebola. Also, the Nights Watch are there for you to essentially have a nice relaxing snooze while you watch the months and years tick by while Winter Approaches Like An Angry Beast (the Wildlings haven't been added yet). The rest of the game is everything I could hope for, it's really, really good, and killing off your least favourite game of thrones characters is always a joy. Take that Cersei, you slutty bitch, hope you like eating knives!

Conclusion

Joose: In conclusion, this is one of my favourite games of the year, and has sucked the life out of me like a Prostituting Dalek. It really is amazing, and while there has been some bad DLC, and some arguable DLC, it doesn't stop the game from being any worse, and even the bad DLC does improve the game, even if slightly to make it not worthwhile to buy. You should buy this game, because even if you don't enjoy the original setting of the game (but that shouldn't matter for the game to be time confusing) there is a wide range of mods, such as the Game of Thrones one, floating around the internet like a thing that floats around the DLC and is almost nothing like what I just described. How do I finish this. Oh yeah, blah blah, buy this game now as it is amazing.

 

The Beyond Stupid Halloween Scare’athon (Inc. Costume Quest Rant + 2 Videos)

Jooseman: Hello and welcome to mine, Jooseman, and the Rofling Officer annual scare’athon (that is what I will call it, and don’t even complain about false advertising) for this year’s Halloween, even though Halloween is about as exciting to me as eating burnt toast. I get scared way too easily to even celebrate Halloween by doing anything of note, hell I got scared by My Little Pony, no Mr Unicorn, don’t shove your horn there... Ahem, where was I? Ah yes, so this year we both decided to do our own thing, with him playing two games and recording them, including SCP Containment Breach, and me playing and writing a rant about the Tim Schafer game, Costume Quest, because I backed out. Now sit down with your nice mug of cocoa around the fire while watching Simpsons, Treehouse of Horror episodes and read this. Unless you take inspiration from Jimmy Savile, in which case, sit by the, door, watching and waiting. (Topical Jokes, I’ll be here until Monday)

Costume Quest

Jooseman: Costume Quest is essentially a Halloween Trick or Treat, Role Playing Game made by Tim Schafer, who made games that would make even the most amateur point and click fan have to change his pants because they are so wet with Semen. Not me, however, because I have a hatred for point and click in general, and was pretty happy to find this wasn’t such a game. In this game you have to select a child (Insert Jimmy Savile joke here again) and then you go around Trick or Treating with them until your sibling gets kidnapped by a guy who looks like Mr Toad got fucked by an Orc. You then set off on a mission to get him back, collecting other costumes to fight in along the way, like a really bad fashion designer.

And now onto the combat, which feels about as satisfying as masturbating with sandpaper, except not as painful. It is your standard, Turn Based RPG affair, like Final Fantasy and the like, which I find really annoying, and harder to get right than recreating the Sistine Chapel with cheese. It involves quickly pressing buttons which I apparently lack the skill to do properly and constantly get it wrong because of this. Now to bring it back to the costumes, each costume has different powers in combat, as well as different powers to move around, such as the first Robot suit, being able to Roller-skate, which sounds like an amazing power, up there with being able to massage a cat.
Anyway, the art style now, which is ridiculously nice. It all has a nice, cartoon feel to it, which is actually a style I enjoy in games, including things such as World of Warcraft. You don’t need amazing graphics in order for the developers to get off at night, all you need is something as nice looking as this. Anyway, this has suddenly got too nice again, so fuck shit balls cunt burger. Still would rather play this than any of the horror games people like to play at Halloween.
And now, that is my short Halloween Rant over. Now for something completely different, here is a dog riding a Unicycle (Imagine it yourself, you uncreative fucks)

Rofling Officer

 

 

War of the Roses Joint Rant

Rofling Officer: Hello there, internet delinquents! And welcome back to another joint review/rant by me, the Rofling Officer, your Messiah and Saviour, and Jooseman Jonith Huckelberry III esq., some random douche I found wandering the streets. Over a four hour period our partnership blossomed, and well here we are once again to review a game. This time: War of the Roses, a medieval combat multiplayer game that we have both played for a while now. We were going to do a comparison with Chivalry, but that was binned (neither of us own it and I never even mentioned it to him). So to start us off, here is Jooseman:

Jooseman: Ah yes, Chivalry that game that we are a absolutely qualified to compare and contrast War of the Roses to. See, I even have a faked degree from some school (degree not attached.) So, War of the Roses, a game I have been waiting a long time for. It felt like it took so long to come out, I may as well have invented a time machine and gone to get it. As a proud bloody northerner, the game spoke to me, like a dildo may speak to a sexually unsatisfied whore, and I felt the need to buy it.
The basic premise is obviously that it's set in the War of the Roses, which is like questioning when a game called 1776, America's Year of Asskicking Awesomness is set. It is a multiplayer game with a twist, that every man, woman, dog and snowman (latter 3 may be included in DLC never) have swords, bows, arrows and the like, as you play as either Yorkshire or Lancashire, in the War of the Bad Accents.

RO: Well thank you for that Jooseman, very informative about nothing at all. You should run for office. Anyway, the game feels much like Battlefield or Call of Duty, but implanted in medieval times. For example there is an enormous amount of customisation (but not for your character bizarrely, when I saw the guy who look like he had a lobotomy with a garden shovel I instantly thought: all my men will look like that, so it’s the Army of Dumbasses), you can change your arrow type, armour type, sword sharpness, fighting style, what finger you pick your nose with, whether you have sticky keys on or off or whether you use Mac or Windows (Windows). The great thing about the War of the Roses is the sheer amount of stuff to buy, all sorts of armours and weapons and horses, and there is a fair few maps too. While this does add to the longevity of the game, it’s too little too late as the game is more barren than a woman living in the desert with no uterus who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. There are a measly TWO game modes, and both are nothing new. Team Deathmatch is always welcome in these games, and it’s certainly very enjoyable, but as for Conquest… What a pile of shite. Imagine running across three fields. That’s what conquest feels like to me, lots of effort and boredom for nothing at all. I’ll come back to this a little later, but for now: Jooseman?

Jooseman: I enjoy Conquest, the problem is, you get points quicker than a man with premature ejaculation gets off. Seriously, you can get out of games with way over 5000 points a game, which is enough to buy most weapons, armour and icecream topping one at a time. This means you buy can rapidly buy things and the only thing adding longevity is the levels (Which also advance with the points) and that doesn't itself last long. Once you have built your optimum build. you have no reason to continue playing the game really... Except because you find it fun. Now let's talk about the classes some more. The one I'm using is essentially a Guy on steroids moulded into armour and carrying a sword so huge that it's designed to compensate for something. The thing is, I can never see myself switching to a different classes except maybe to choose some heavier armour. That's another problem, the effect that heavier armour has on you. Yes you start sprinting, and it feels like you're trying to run while carrying a fucking elephant in really heavy armour, but it all round doesn't make a difference that is game changing. I have a solution to this. Make the people in light armour into fucking superman. Have them fly around helping children in a way that is completely different to Jimmy Saville, and then shoot people as they run past. Maybe they can even fight themselves not in costume at some point.
No matter what I say however, this game is still ridiculously good fun to play with a few friends and the scale of some of the battles are pretty amazing, when you have 32 people on each side just charging at each other like angry Scotsmen... Or Scotsmen. As they get picked off by archers, and you wade into conflict, swinging your huge sword like Gregor Clegane from A Song of Ice and Fire (Game of Thrones for you TV watchers) or a violent pornstar. It's immense and fun enough to look over the faults I've said so far.

Rofling Officer: Now then, more criticism… (you should take this as a good sign that I’m struggling to take the piss at this point) Well the hand to hand combat isn’t much good, but that’s gonna take a little while to explain, and here it is. While swinging a sword is insanely accurate (I dread to think how the people making the hitboxes were treated, their family were probably forced into prostitution unless they get it precisely right), there isn’t any real weight behind the swing. It looks like your character is about as into the battle as he would be when cleaning up his dog’s shit. It really is a shame, but it’s MORE than made up for by the awesome ranged combat. While swords and other melee weapons have zero weight and momentum, the bows and crossbows are amazingly powerful, and the sound design is gorgeous. And when you pull off an instakill headshot and the Quake announcer yells “HEADSHOT!” I can’t help but cross my legs with joy. An absolute delight from the round start to the round end, worth it just for that.

Jooseman: Talking about the combat, another criticism of the combat is how insanely difficult it is to tell how much damage you have taken. Sometimes the game doesn't even allow you to have strawberries rammed into your eyes by a hammer before you drop dead, it just does it. It's hard to know if you are being slowly sliced in half by a massive sword, or if some annoying prick as started trying to poke at you with the effective battlefield weapon of a toothpick. They may as well have gone down the realistic option, and given you the number of hitpoints you have in the corner, because that's how real life works.

Rofling Officer: Now to conclude: this game is good. Really good. And it’s pretty cheap, but multiplayer only. The bows and crossbows are amazing, but the melee weapons aren’t so good though. So is it a recommendation? Yeah sure. Get it! This is Master Chief Petty Officer James Rofling, 007 signing off.