Once upon a time in a galaxy far fa... Oh cut all that crap, i had a really unfunny opening which i can't be bothered doing. Motion Controls are spreading through the world quicker than a sneezed noravirus. You get Long rectangular ones and erm longish rectangulish ones with a ball on the end and ones with no controller at all, because we've all got fed up holding things... Says the employees at Microsoft after a long Masterbation sesion over Bill Gates.
Motion Controller are ussually used for people to idiotic to do actual exercise, like Daniel,who had a fun time playing Kinect, before jumping into the air and creating a hole in the floor. They are machines to make you look retarded, take the Wii and PS Move, they make you play around with long black or white things, and i've only experienced that once before, in a pub in Amsterdam but don't remind me about it, (bit bigger over there though.)
Anyway as I don't want to waffle on lets just get on with the show (that guy in Amsterdam said that to me aswell.)
PS Move
Advertised as being a Wii Mote with an attached ball/bell end on the end of it, well thats what it seems like with all the retarded, supposely funny game reviewers go on about like a Politician does lying. It was really advertised as being a more accurate Wii Mote which dosnt expect me to be Batman to play, but i wll eanyway, i like the gimp suit.
No matter what the retards tell you in the same way Fox news tells us all Muslims are bad, move is NOT a rip off of the Wii, considering Move was in development in 2001, and may not be sarmt i mean smart but im sure that was before the Wii was shit out of Nintendos gigantic arseholes where they stick Marios cock everyday like some sex craze old woman who has taken a trip to a beach in Italy.
Anyway the move was released to a... well to be honest i don't know what the fuck move was released to as i've not seen any reviewes as most reviwers have been to busy wondering what would happen if they had a wank on Kinect. Games are supposed to be better than kinect to, but thats like saying your less of a Peadophile than Gary Glitter because you only look at kids naked, and don't acctually have sex with them. YOUR STILL A FUCKING PAEDOPHILE.
Now heres one quick game review
Heavy Rain
Now some of yoy (ok none of you) may be asking, well wasn't that released half a year ago. And you'd be right, it's the exact same game/movie, except now you can move a long controller up and down quickly... Wait that sounds exactly what i do on a lonely night. Anyway back onto the game, its no replayable because first thing, some of the missions are as boring and unskippable as an unskipable thing which is really boring. And after you've done all them, the killer dosn't change anyway, it still stays as the same sat Paedophile who probably went on to become a school teacher.
Talking about Move games, most of them sound like they were named to be friendly for the retarded minority of the population, for example The Fight. No prizes for what thats about... Yes thats right, it's a flight simulator. Only joking it's a mainly Black and White video game (based around Michael Jackson's life) in which you fight random people who probably have been made up for the game like the characters in the Bible. Now as i've reached the ball (move joke there) i'll go on to kinect.
Kinect
Now if you think Move is the dildo of Motion Controls, whats Kinect then, the one slut who allows cameras to watch as she fingers herself. While playing Kinect you get to play as an extremely lifelike character... YOURSELF, unless your Katie Price, or a wooden person who is very wooden with plastic feet. It's only you and the camera, well thats what you would hope it would be, because if somebody else was watching you they'd ship you to a mental asylum for being a retard.
It's major selling point was YOU are the controller/dildo/random guy running about on screen. YOU get to run. YOU get to exercise. YOU get to fly planes into buildings. YOU get to machine gun random pedestrians if they look at you funny. YOU get to molest kids. YOU well erm get to make yourseld look like somebody who cant do real exercise (some of those ideas probably wouldn't be used by microsoft anyway, they are to hardcore... You could break your leg by running making you fall over and crack your head on the floor, killing you.)
The games are also retarded on Kinext, who the hell world pay to play kinectimals, a game where u mess around with a tiger like some messed up porn scenario. Just to prove how they liked the hardcore gamer i would love to see them make the tiger try and eat you half way through.
Theres also Joyride, a game where u drive a car. Part of the fun of driving games was using a steering wheel, so no taking that away will not make it funner, it will make it more retarded. Its like taking away the ice cream when your erm eating ice cream.
Nintendo Wii
Ah the Wii, the grandad of motion controls, not the nice grandad, but the creepy one who gets excited when you sit on his knee and tries to make you jump up and down. The one who probably gets excited from standing outside schools.
Monday, 22 November 2010
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
Super Review: X Factor
Dan: The X Factor draws millions of viewers with each series, it would be like if the Queen's Christmas message featured Her Majesty shouting along to rap music and break dancing with Barack Obama (with David Cameron DJing in the back). Everyone would tune in to watch that, just like everyone tunes in to watch the X Factor. Even though the X Factor is just as hilariously stupid as the above mentioned analogy, no one seems to realise it. They all seem to think it's a reality TV show to find the next big thing in music, when all it is is a sitcom to discover who can come up with the biggest sobstory.
John: The sob stories get worse every year, and I'm pretty sure most of them make them up. In fact I might go on and say "My grandma died before I was born and my grandfather and father both got killed in Zimbabwe. My Mum commited suicide and my sister had been shot by Mugabe for being a political prisoner.". Then again only the good people get the stories. A lot easier to make fun of people without saying "hahaha your mum's dead!". Thats like adding insult to injury in the same way you could give a BNP member a black eye. They might aswell as say, fuck the music, if you're dad's dead you will be a star. To be honest I'm surprised thousands of teenagers haven't gone out to kill their fathers.
Dan: This year's series has become the most controversial series ever, partly because Dermot O'Leary can't say "controversy" right and partly because of this whole "Gamu Nhengu" storyline. After I saw the Judge's Houses episode and Gamu was sent home I immediately predicted what one of the paper's would say the next day: "CHERYL COLE IS RACIST BECAUSE GAMU DIDN'T GET THROUGH!" Sure enough I went on the Daily Mail and there it was. Even though a) She put another black person through, b) Will.I.Am helped pick her final 3, who is also black, c) She was married to Ashley Cole and d) GAMU IS INCREDIBLY OVERRATED. I keep feeling like Gamu is one of those sitcom or film characters whose one short stint on that TV Show or movie destroyed her whole life. That's certainly what the X Factor did for her. After she was deservedly sent away by Cheryl Cole her visa status was thrown into question and now her residensy in the UK hangs by a thread. Sorry make that a few thousand threads stitched together because now she's got the whole might of Simon Cowell's wealth behind her.
John: Many people want her to stay in this country for 1) She is supposedly a political prisoner and the X Factor is classed as politics now. and 2) Nobody gives a shit about that as the only reason they say she should stay is becos she can sing a little. Nobody cares about the money her family are milking out of the country more than a chronic masturbator ejaculates. I went onto the Daily Mail as this is one of the few things I can agree with them on, but even there their are thousand of comments supporting her. They are all voted down but thats not the point. This whole story makes The X Factor seem like the new Immigration test and has proably sent a messege to oppressed North Koreans.... If they could watch TV or get on the internet. Anyway Nevermind at least she can compete on the Zimbabwean singing contest, she could win her life and a bowl of rice supposed to last the year. It really dosn't bother me at least then she isn't ruining the economy more than Gordon Brown while deppressed.
Dan: My final word on the Gamu controversy is that the idiots saying that it's "tight" on Gamu for deporting her ARE FUCKING RETARDS! No it is not tight, that's like saying paedophiles shouldn't be sent to jail because it's not very nice to them. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE NICE TO THEM, THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG SO THEY NEED TO PAY THEIR DEBT TO SOCIETY, just like paedophiles feel children and Gamu's mother illegally claimed benefits and her visa was refused. As far as I'm concerned it's bye-bye back to Zimbabwe for Gamu. Moving on from Gamu, this year in a bigger effort to steal more money from the idiotic drones in the population than Steve Jobs releasing the iGun to shoot you in your iHead because your iPhone 4 has lost it's fucking reception again, I bet the X Factor winner will get the Christmas number 1. It didn't happen last time, which was fucking hilarious, but it's gonna get this year, I can feel it.
John: Songs from ex-stars clog up the charts more than constipation, bringing more joys to girls than a Justin Bieber nude photoshoot. They get so much money it makes Simon Cowell more shoved up his own arse than a double jointed man experimenting. He pretends to hate the rubbish acts, but in fact sits at home, twiddling a fake moustache and lauging evilly "Chart domination is mine, young Cheryl!". They are even releasing the songs on iTunes, in a blatant copy of That's the music, or We are better than X Factor's music, whatever that thing on Sky 1 was called. It had 50 cent clone 101 on it. Anyway now onto the contestants.
Dan: The final 12 this year are probably the feeblest in the history of the show, with people like Aiden Grimshaw getting though. I kept yelling at my TV for him to OPEN HIS FUCKING EYES YOU COCKY BASTARD! What makes it so infuriating is that he's not even any fucking good so he has no reason to think he's brilliant. But he is no where near as bad as supposed superstar Cher Lloyd. Seconds after she finished her audition there were controversies brewing in the minds of the news, like some sort of cynical eyeball stew that thinks eyeball stew is horrible so it hates itself. I heard news stories about how she was too nervous to go on the live shows even though by putting a crowd on the auditions systematically made it the same as the live shows without the addition of blinding neon lights every five seconds, so why would she be more nervouse of the live shows? I read in a paper how she wouldn't be able to compete because her exams were coming up. All of this doesn't take away the fact that her act gets very old very fast and she isn't that good anyway. If she wins it will be a travesty. Who do you think should win? I hear the one reader ask. Wagner of course.
John: Katie Weasel I mean Waisell is one of the most complained about acts this year, mainly because some people take the X Factor as serious as the Afghan War. She is supposedly being bullied so has threatened to quit, because unlike basically the rest of the population, she was brought up as a mentally retarded princess who was never bullied before so she can't stand it now. Her costume on the first live show made her look like she was wearing a beetle on her head or she was a gay stormtrooper.
What pains me about this competition is that Wagner is the best contestant this year, and he looks like a stereotypical Paedophile. Well he was an ex PE teacher. He also sings worse than a man with a porcupine up his arse.
Aiden's face actually scared me, his faces made him seem so much like a psycopath I felt like turning off my TV and ringing a Mental Institution.
The first to get booted off was some Italian called Nicolo, who looked like a gay Bond villain who would randomly burst into song. Sure enough he nearly cried when he was booted off, you know like almost everyone else. They cry when they stay in, when they are voted out and when they have a poo.
Dan: To finish off I think this year's X Factor has been one of the worst series yet, it is bloody awful. If people like Aiden, Nicolo and Wagner can get to the live shows then even I can. That's it, the end. Well, I'll do another column when the X Factor finishes, but for now goodbye.
John: Yeah, now piss off.
John: The sob stories get worse every year, and I'm pretty sure most of them make them up. In fact I might go on and say "My grandma died before I was born and my grandfather and father both got killed in Zimbabwe. My Mum commited suicide and my sister had been shot by Mugabe for being a political prisoner.". Then again only the good people get the stories. A lot easier to make fun of people without saying "hahaha your mum's dead!". Thats like adding insult to injury in the same way you could give a BNP member a black eye. They might aswell as say, fuck the music, if you're dad's dead you will be a star. To be honest I'm surprised thousands of teenagers haven't gone out to kill their fathers.
Dan: This year's series has become the most controversial series ever, partly because Dermot O'Leary can't say "controversy" right and partly because of this whole "Gamu Nhengu" storyline. After I saw the Judge's Houses episode and Gamu was sent home I immediately predicted what one of the paper's would say the next day: "CHERYL COLE IS RACIST BECAUSE GAMU DIDN'T GET THROUGH!" Sure enough I went on the Daily Mail and there it was. Even though a) She put another black person through, b) Will.I.Am helped pick her final 3, who is also black, c) She was married to Ashley Cole and d) GAMU IS INCREDIBLY OVERRATED. I keep feeling like Gamu is one of those sitcom or film characters whose one short stint on that TV Show or movie destroyed her whole life. That's certainly what the X Factor did for her. After she was deservedly sent away by Cheryl Cole her visa status was thrown into question and now her residensy in the UK hangs by a thread. Sorry make that a few thousand threads stitched together because now she's got the whole might of Simon Cowell's wealth behind her.
John: Many people want her to stay in this country for 1) She is supposedly a political prisoner and the X Factor is classed as politics now. and 2) Nobody gives a shit about that as the only reason they say she should stay is becos she can sing a little. Nobody cares about the money her family are milking out of the country more than a chronic masturbator ejaculates. I went onto the Daily Mail as this is one of the few things I can agree with them on, but even there their are thousand of comments supporting her. They are all voted down but thats not the point. This whole story makes The X Factor seem like the new Immigration test and has proably sent a messege to oppressed North Koreans.... If they could watch TV or get on the internet. Anyway Nevermind at least she can compete on the Zimbabwean singing contest, she could win her life and a bowl of rice supposed to last the year. It really dosn't bother me at least then she isn't ruining the economy more than Gordon Brown while deppressed.
Dan: My final word on the Gamu controversy is that the idiots saying that it's "tight" on Gamu for deporting her ARE FUCKING RETARDS! No it is not tight, that's like saying paedophiles shouldn't be sent to jail because it's not very nice to them. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE NICE TO THEM, THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG SO THEY NEED TO PAY THEIR DEBT TO SOCIETY, just like paedophiles feel children and Gamu's mother illegally claimed benefits and her visa was refused. As far as I'm concerned it's bye-bye back to Zimbabwe for Gamu. Moving on from Gamu, this year in a bigger effort to steal more money from the idiotic drones in the population than Steve Jobs releasing the iGun to shoot you in your iHead because your iPhone 4 has lost it's fucking reception again, I bet the X Factor winner will get the Christmas number 1. It didn't happen last time, which was fucking hilarious, but it's gonna get this year, I can feel it.
John: Songs from ex-stars clog up the charts more than constipation, bringing more joys to girls than a Justin Bieber nude photoshoot. They get so much money it makes Simon Cowell more shoved up his own arse than a double jointed man experimenting. He pretends to hate the rubbish acts, but in fact sits at home, twiddling a fake moustache and lauging evilly "Chart domination is mine, young Cheryl!". They are even releasing the songs on iTunes, in a blatant copy of That's the music, or We are better than X Factor's music, whatever that thing on Sky 1 was called. It had 50 cent clone 101 on it. Anyway now onto the contestants.
Dan: The final 12 this year are probably the feeblest in the history of the show, with people like Aiden Grimshaw getting though. I kept yelling at my TV for him to OPEN HIS FUCKING EYES YOU COCKY BASTARD! What makes it so infuriating is that he's not even any fucking good so he has no reason to think he's brilliant. But he is no where near as bad as supposed superstar Cher Lloyd. Seconds after she finished her audition there were controversies brewing in the minds of the news, like some sort of cynical eyeball stew that thinks eyeball stew is horrible so it hates itself. I heard news stories about how she was too nervous to go on the live shows even though by putting a crowd on the auditions systematically made it the same as the live shows without the addition of blinding neon lights every five seconds, so why would she be more nervouse of the live shows? I read in a paper how she wouldn't be able to compete because her exams were coming up. All of this doesn't take away the fact that her act gets very old very fast and she isn't that good anyway. If she wins it will be a travesty. Who do you think should win? I hear the one reader ask. Wagner of course.
John: Katie Weasel I mean Waisell is one of the most complained about acts this year, mainly because some people take the X Factor as serious as the Afghan War. She is supposedly being bullied so has threatened to quit, because unlike basically the rest of the population, she was brought up as a mentally retarded princess who was never bullied before so she can't stand it now. Her costume on the first live show made her look like she was wearing a beetle on her head or she was a gay stormtrooper.
What pains me about this competition is that Wagner is the best contestant this year, and he looks like a stereotypical Paedophile. Well he was an ex PE teacher. He also sings worse than a man with a porcupine up his arse.
Aiden's face actually scared me, his faces made him seem so much like a psycopath I felt like turning off my TV and ringing a Mental Institution.
The first to get booted off was some Italian called Nicolo, who looked like a gay Bond villain who would randomly burst into song. Sure enough he nearly cried when he was booted off, you know like almost everyone else. They cry when they stay in, when they are voted out and when they have a poo.
Dan: To finish off I think this year's X Factor has been one of the worst series yet, it is bloody awful. If people like Aiden, Nicolo and Wagner can get to the live shows then even I can. That's it, the end. Well, I'll do another column when the X Factor finishes, but for now goodbye.
John: Yeah, now piss off.
Special Treat
Today me and my enemy Daniel Barker have a special suprise for you. We are releasing are gay sex tape. Not really, i'm not gay, but i can't vouch for him, anyway we are doing a special rant combing the two of us to plese our one reader, who probably likes Adam Lambet and has baths in Bacon Grease, the thought of which make you want to spew Shit out of your mouth. So We wil review the X factor in a super cynicsm review and you can also catch it here.
Tuesday, 21 September 2010
Console Wars for Dummies
Consoles are crap, well the fanboys who go on and on and on and on (5 hours later) and on and on, god that was boring, well the fanboys make them seem shitter than a man rolling around in a Farmers field. They don't focus on the good point on there own console unless there exaggearting it more than Fox news do talking about Muslim Extremism. "The whole of the islamic religeon want to blow you up." And then when there talking about he other consoles they infuriate you with blatant lies about the problems of that console, which probably effect theres aswell (oh no the consoles version of the plague is spreading.) So during this guide i will take you through the main points of each console. No fox news, this isn't a real source of infomation. DONT TRUST IT, DONT TRUST IT.
Ps3 (or we Havn't got a true Killer app, but we'll get one in 2008, no well 2009, oh that didn't work well 2010)
I got this when it first game out and god i was spoiled for choice of games, there was about 5 to fucking choose from, and 3 of them where probably last minute ports from the xbox. Oh but i was promised i would have good games soon, esspecially when the year 2008 rolled in. However me, expecting the PS3 killer apps (yes about 10 games where described as that)to hit me like a bulldozer reversing into an old lady it couldn't see, didn't realise nobody would give a shit about these apps because of Call of Duty: World at a War (a shit game, like almost all other Call of Duty games) which brainwashed people better than Adolf Hitler. However i pressed on, trying to discover what these games where like, heres a small review of the main three:
1. Metal Gear Solid 4- Probably the best game of the three, managing to stand up on story alone, but thats probably because the cut scenes added together ae probably longer than the fucking Return of the King extended edition. It falls down on the online though and didnt manage to drag people away from Call of Duty: Same Edition. 8/10
2. Killzone 2- Basically Halo if it had a paintjob from green to grey. In the biggest Cliche ever the British are the bad guys, Lock and Load (see, thats an example of another cliche, oh forget it.) 5/10
3. Resistance 2- A great game, it is built on great shooting events and Cinematic events. It brought about 10 people from the hypnotic trance of Cow pat of Duty before falling so far its legs snapped. 7/10
The main selling point of the PS3 was the free online, which many people thought at first was as buggier as a termite mound, no matter what your connection was you got more lag than a Hindu reincarnating. However this idea was snapped up by people who needed more than one account, e.g people with Families, those who are shit at games and want to start again, oh and people who are just simply cheating on there wives. The PSN has gotten better in recent times and now just feels like running through the sea, instead of something such as Storming the Beached of Normandy.
There is one last good part of Playstation 3 and that is the Blu- Ray, making the games look as nice as a rainbow (saying that is sickening.)It also makes the Movies look good but its a fucking game console, thats like saying that the Daily Mail is good (it's not, think British Fox News) to read when its main point in lfe is to be used as Toilet Paper.
PS3-7/10
X Box (Or that console with Halo)
Red rings of Death, fucking Red Rings of Death, it makes it sound like the One Rings even more evil brother in The Lord of the Rings, created by Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Barack HUSSEIN Obama and the Legion of Doom, headquatered in the Ground Zero Mosque where it was forged in the Fiery Dooms of the WMDs of Iraq which Exist somewhere, according to George Bush and Tony Blair, oh and so do Pixies, and God. Oh and i'm getting away from the point, the supposed better console of them all... according to the many Fanboys lurking the murky depths of the shite known as X Box Live, tucked safely away in there warm comfy beds, with there mum to kiss them goodnight, before getting out there controller and making you wish the X Box came with a button which would release rabid hamsters on them. Halo is like an attractive young woman woman to them, well something has to be seeing as they won't get the actual thing,any way that was a coincidental segway into a Halo review (is it just me or does Masterchief sound like a porn name.)
Halo (The Series)- In the ENTIRE Halo series (except ODSPEE) you play as the Green PowerRanger, who has been outfitted by a crapper version of Q out of James Bond making all his inventions Steroid Based, except one which involves them putting springs in boots so you could jump 10 fucking ft in the air. Once in the series you play as Some other random coloured Power ranger who as with all the old Rangers is killed off (or Reincarnated said the Magical Hindu.)To me the whole series plays out the same except with bigger guns (reminds me of another game, here's looking at you Call of Duty.)
I bet the fanboy's are reading this review in there own words "oh my god halo is excellent, oh fuck me Master chief, i love your graphics and your online" .5/10
The worst part about the Xbox is the paying for online, which feels like a smack in the face after enjoying a nice piece of chocolate cake. And the Online isn't even better than the Playstation 3's,which is saying something. However a game should be able to stand up on it singleplayer instead of it's online, which should capitalize on the singleplayer ,like giving George Bush more places to invade when the Iraq invasion suceedes, Oh....
X Box 360-6.5/10
The Wii or Nostalgia, Mario and Fucking Motion Controllers
Motion Controllers, one of the many things on this planet which make me wish i lived on Saturn, preferably with a few Heavy Machineguns and the fucking Executives at Nintendo so i can release a couple of rounds of Lead into their Housewife loving brains. The words Action and Exiting were probably chucked around a lot in the marketing of the Wii remote, however your cock probably feels them words as well before realising your fucking your Nan and throwing up more thana Bulimia Sufferer watching Man vs Food. This is coincidently how I feel playing the Wii, see full circle just like all you idiots are now going to have to make with your will remote, causing you look like a retard. However as all the other consoles' dicks have fnnaly grown and they have now announced Motion Control this dosn't really make it any worse than the others.
What does however make it worse is the choice of games, almost all of them have been made by Nintendo who are competing with... um, Nintendo. This means tey can make games more repetetive than Daja Vu. This means they can make games more repetetive than Deja Vu. This means they can make games more repetetive that Deja Vu (metaphorically hits head against wall) Ah well thats enough of that. Well one of there many Increasingly similar games it makes me feel like ive Got off of the train into Call of Duty world is Mario, which i will now review to piss you all off.
Mario- Super Mario is a game which is made by the Nintendo Development team hopping into their company owned Tardis and going to a land run by a Brain dead princess, accompanied by her retarded servants, who seem to have made a public holiday of repeatedly hitting your head against a wall . While there they then release a constant supply of Giant Lizards, who seem to pour out more than shit coming out of a man with Bowel Problems. They then proceed to kidnap the brain dead princess, who gets saved by an Italin Plumber (and occasionly his Brother) before eating cake (well mario got some of the Princess' "Cake" wink wink) and not sharing any with the Lizard. Rinse and Repeat and you've got yourself a succesful gaming series. 3.5/10
Other sucessful video gaming series, if you like things made by constasntly milking Nostalgia so hard you solve thid world thirst are Donkey Kong, Zelda, a few thousand fucking samey sports games for losing weight if your to fat to fit through your door, or your to retarded to work out how to do a fucking Press Up. However there not all the same (acctually yes they are) because you get to fit a motion controler up your arse, however i promised not to talk about that, but fuck it. The motion controller expects your reaction time to be that of a man moving out of the way of a sniper bullet. Oh and don't whine about how they realeased Wii Motion Plus too because it came out like 3 fucking years after the original release. And it still has worse reactions than a Cripple with Alzheimers, and I don't want to offend either group by comparing them to the shit of the Wii.
So all in all I think the Wii is like the Barack Obama of consoles, promisingmuch but giving so little... Well it is if you like Motion controllers, which i don't, so to me it's more like little fart. 3/10
So that's it, a comparison of all the consoles which would have taken me less time if a nuclear apocalyspse hadn't happened hald way through writing. Damn mutated rats scuttling around my dilapidated house. Now depart from my presence, I am king of this new wasteland.
Ps3 (or we Havn't got a true Killer app, but we'll get one in 2008, no well 2009, oh that didn't work well 2010)
I got this when it first game out and god i was spoiled for choice of games, there was about 5 to fucking choose from, and 3 of them where probably last minute ports from the xbox. Oh but i was promised i would have good games soon, esspecially when the year 2008 rolled in. However me, expecting the PS3 killer apps (yes about 10 games where described as that)to hit me like a bulldozer reversing into an old lady it couldn't see, didn't realise nobody would give a shit about these apps because of Call of Duty: World at a War (a shit game, like almost all other Call of Duty games) which brainwashed people better than Adolf Hitler. However i pressed on, trying to discover what these games where like, heres a small review of the main three:
1. Metal Gear Solid 4- Probably the best game of the three, managing to stand up on story alone, but thats probably because the cut scenes added together ae probably longer than the fucking Return of the King extended edition. It falls down on the online though and didnt manage to drag people away from Call of Duty: Same Edition. 8/10
2. Killzone 2- Basically Halo if it had a paintjob from green to grey. In the biggest Cliche ever the British are the bad guys, Lock and Load (see, thats an example of another cliche, oh forget it.) 5/10
3. Resistance 2- A great game, it is built on great shooting events and Cinematic events. It brought about 10 people from the hypnotic trance of Cow pat of Duty before falling so far its legs snapped. 7/10
The main selling point of the PS3 was the free online, which many people thought at first was as buggier as a termite mound, no matter what your connection was you got more lag than a Hindu reincarnating. However this idea was snapped up by people who needed more than one account, e.g people with Families, those who are shit at games and want to start again, oh and people who are just simply cheating on there wives. The PSN has gotten better in recent times and now just feels like running through the sea, instead of something such as Storming the Beached of Normandy.
There is one last good part of Playstation 3 and that is the Blu- Ray, making the games look as nice as a rainbow (saying that is sickening.)It also makes the Movies look good but its a fucking game console, thats like saying that the Daily Mail is good (it's not, think British Fox News) to read when its main point in lfe is to be used as Toilet Paper.
PS3-7/10
X Box (Or that console with Halo)
Red rings of Death, fucking Red Rings of Death, it makes it sound like the One Rings even more evil brother in The Lord of the Rings, created by Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Barack HUSSEIN Obama and the Legion of Doom, headquatered in the Ground Zero Mosque where it was forged in the Fiery Dooms of the WMDs of Iraq which Exist somewhere, according to George Bush and Tony Blair, oh and so do Pixies, and God. Oh and i'm getting away from the point, the supposed better console of them all... according to the many Fanboys lurking the murky depths of the shite known as X Box Live, tucked safely away in there warm comfy beds, with there mum to kiss them goodnight, before getting out there controller and making you wish the X Box came with a button which would release rabid hamsters on them. Halo is like an attractive young woman woman to them, well something has to be seeing as they won't get the actual thing,any way that was a coincidental segway into a Halo review (is it just me or does Masterchief sound like a porn name.)
Halo (The Series)- In the ENTIRE Halo series (except ODSPEE) you play as the Green PowerRanger, who has been outfitted by a crapper version of Q out of James Bond making all his inventions Steroid Based, except one which involves them putting springs in boots so you could jump 10 fucking ft in the air. Once in the series you play as Some other random coloured Power ranger who as with all the old Rangers is killed off (or Reincarnated said the Magical Hindu.)To me the whole series plays out the same except with bigger guns (reminds me of another game, here's looking at you Call of Duty.)
I bet the fanboy's are reading this review in there own words "oh my god halo is excellent, oh fuck me Master chief, i love your graphics and your online" .5/10
The worst part about the Xbox is the paying for online, which feels like a smack in the face after enjoying a nice piece of chocolate cake. And the Online isn't even better than the Playstation 3's,which is saying something. However a game should be able to stand up on it singleplayer instead of it's online, which should capitalize on the singleplayer ,like giving George Bush more places to invade when the Iraq invasion suceedes, Oh....
X Box 360-6.5/10
The Wii or Nostalgia, Mario and Fucking Motion Controllers
Motion Controllers, one of the many things on this planet which make me wish i lived on Saturn, preferably with a few Heavy Machineguns and the fucking Executives at Nintendo so i can release a couple of rounds of Lead into their Housewife loving brains. The words Action and Exiting were probably chucked around a lot in the marketing of the Wii remote, however your cock probably feels them words as well before realising your fucking your Nan and throwing up more thana Bulimia Sufferer watching Man vs Food. This is coincidently how I feel playing the Wii, see full circle just like all you idiots are now going to have to make with your will remote, causing you look like a retard. However as all the other consoles' dicks have fnnaly grown and they have now announced Motion Control this dosn't really make it any worse than the others.
What does however make it worse is the choice of games, almost all of them have been made by Nintendo who are competing with... um, Nintendo. This means tey can make games more repetetive than Daja Vu. This means they can make games more repetetive than Deja Vu. This means they can make games more repetetive that Deja Vu (metaphorically hits head against wall) Ah well thats enough of that. Well one of there many Increasingly similar games it makes me feel like ive Got off of the train into Call of Duty world is Mario, which i will now review to piss you all off.
Mario- Super Mario is a game which is made by the Nintendo Development team hopping into their company owned Tardis and going to a land run by a Brain dead princess, accompanied by her retarded servants, who seem to have made a public holiday of repeatedly hitting your head against a wall . While there they then release a constant supply of Giant Lizards, who seem to pour out more than shit coming out of a man with Bowel Problems. They then proceed to kidnap the brain dead princess, who gets saved by an Italin Plumber (and occasionly his Brother) before eating cake (well mario got some of the Princess' "Cake" wink wink) and not sharing any with the Lizard. Rinse and Repeat and you've got yourself a succesful gaming series. 3.5/10
Other sucessful video gaming series, if you like things made by constasntly milking Nostalgia so hard you solve thid world thirst are Donkey Kong, Zelda, a few thousand fucking samey sports games for losing weight if your to fat to fit through your door, or your to retarded to work out how to do a fucking Press Up. However there not all the same (acctually yes they are) because you get to fit a motion controler up your arse, however i promised not to talk about that, but fuck it. The motion controller expects your reaction time to be that of a man moving out of the way of a sniper bullet. Oh and don't whine about how they realeased Wii Motion Plus too because it came out like 3 fucking years after the original release. And it still has worse reactions than a Cripple with Alzheimers, and I don't want to offend either group by comparing them to the shit of the Wii.
So all in all I think the Wii is like the Barack Obama of consoles, promisingmuch but giving so little... Well it is if you like Motion controllers, which i don't, so to me it's more like little fart. 3/10
So that's it, a comparison of all the consoles which would have taken me less time if a nuclear apocalyspse hadn't happened hald way through writing. Damn mutated rats scuttling around my dilapidated house. Now depart from my presence, I am king of this new wasteland.
Saturday, 28 August 2010
Harry Potter the deathly hallows is exactly the same as the last 6 harry potter books in that it is about the wizards are trying to save the world from unkown evil. Strangely though the main characters do not seem to think this task is very urgent so spend most of the time pissing about on broomsticks and that isnt a metaphor
Saturday, 24 July 2010
My Improved Version of Modern Music
I wish I was alive in the 60’s. There was good music back then and the only thing you had to worry about was the ever looming thought of a fucking Nuclear Bomb dropping onto my head. Then again if I was born then I would have a shit Call of Duty game made about me and the era I lived in, the thought of which would sicken me. If they knew what COD was back then, which they didn’t, yes that's how pretentious I was being when I wrote those words.
Yes there were the Beatles and the Rolling Stones, two of the greatest bands of all time. But the one reason that the music scene was good back then, was one reason and one reason only. They didn’t have the shit which has come out in the past few years. You may wonder why I am writing this (you don’t) and this is because my “business partner” (yes we pretend to be business men, what of it) Daniel Barker has also recently written about modern music and I wanted to give my own view. Yes because my view is always right and anybody who says it’s not deserves to be shot.
Right so the last thing which happened music wise, in 2009 was that a little facebook group made Cheryl Cole cry, which is fucking funny. The reason was that her act from the X Factor, some smiling little prick who I couldn’t give a fuck about, was beaten to the Christmas charts by Rage Against the Machine or whatever the fucking band is called, this was done because they were asked to by a Facebook group. I find this just as bad as the X Factor because both of them were telling you to buy there single like some music loving Nazis. “Buy my single or I’ll take you over there and blow your fucking head off!”
The year 2010 started off pretty similar to last fucking year. So similar I thought that I had walked through a Time Vortex and ended up last year. Lady Gaga released a song which was as shit as usual; I don’t see the appeal with her, she’s like a female Justin Bieber, if that wasn’t already taken by Justin Bieber herself. There was also many one hit wonders, which didn’t really bother me much, such things as Owl City-Fireflies and that sort of shit, however this all soon came to an end when the Brit Awards came on.
The biggest piece of shit which came out from The Brit Awards was Florence and the Machines’ collaboration with Dizzee “Dickhead” Rascal which was called You Got the Dirtee Love, in which Generic Rapper number 41 attempts to rap his own twatty lyrics into the song instead of the actual song ones, while Generic Indie act sings their original song. The song was shit. And then unsurprisingly it went number one. A sentence fit enough to describe the current musical day and age.
And then you get to the newest acts of shitness around. And to start off let’s talk about Eminem’s new album, which was as shit as ever. I watched a documentary about him recently; it kept saying he was a really nice person who gets rid of his anger through his song lyrics. Yes I agree he is really nice UNTIL HE FUCKING PISTOL WHIPS SOMEONE. There was also a song called California Gurls, which if you had read Daniel Barker’s one before this would already have heard about. It is sung by Katy Perry and Scooby Doo (well his name is Snoop Dog.) Also if you had read Daniel Barker’s, you would know this isn’t a remake of a song he likes called California Girls by The Beach Boys, which many people think is a classic. The only way that could be a classic is if there were awards for shitness, it would be a classic in them. True Classic are such things as You can’t always get what you want or Hey Jude. Anyway now back to the shit in hand, California Gurls, the whole point of the song is the video because it basically just is Katy Perry strutting around almost naked, they could have put any song over the top of a video like that. Even a recording of Justin Bieber reading Mein Kampf.
So that brings me to my final point. Justin Bieber, the name enough to make you shudder. He is a ball-less, 16 year old, mophead from the planet of Gaytonia who somehow managed to impress 14 year old fans worldwide with song which will be forgotten by next year, thank god. He constantly sings about fucking girls (ok he constantly sings about kissing girls, fucking is to extreme for this kid) but if you watch the video he only ever manages to stalk them before holding their hand. The only reason people like him is because (mainly gay men and 14 year old girls) they say he is fit. He’s basically the Twilight of music. HE’S NOT FUCKING FIT HE JUST HAS ONE OF THOSE FACES WHICH I WANT TO PUNCH!
And now I’m too angry to carry on writing, Justin Bieber pissed me off that much. It’s a fair bet you will not find this funny because I have just ruined all the music you like. And because this is the case piss off!
Yes there were the Beatles and the Rolling Stones, two of the greatest bands of all time. But the one reason that the music scene was good back then, was one reason and one reason only. They didn’t have the shit which has come out in the past few years. You may wonder why I am writing this (you don’t) and this is because my “business partner” (yes we pretend to be business men, what of it) Daniel Barker has also recently written about modern music and I wanted to give my own view. Yes because my view is always right and anybody who says it’s not deserves to be shot.
Right so the last thing which happened music wise, in 2009 was that a little facebook group made Cheryl Cole cry, which is fucking funny. The reason was that her act from the X Factor, some smiling little prick who I couldn’t give a fuck about, was beaten to the Christmas charts by Rage Against the Machine or whatever the fucking band is called, this was done because they were asked to by a Facebook group. I find this just as bad as the X Factor because both of them were telling you to buy there single like some music loving Nazis. “Buy my single or I’ll take you over there and blow your fucking head off!”
The year 2010 started off pretty similar to last fucking year. So similar I thought that I had walked through a Time Vortex and ended up last year. Lady Gaga released a song which was as shit as usual; I don’t see the appeal with her, she’s like a female Justin Bieber, if that wasn’t already taken by Justin Bieber herself. There was also many one hit wonders, which didn’t really bother me much, such things as Owl City-Fireflies and that sort of shit, however this all soon came to an end when the Brit Awards came on.
The biggest piece of shit which came out from The Brit Awards was Florence and the Machines’ collaboration with Dizzee “Dickhead” Rascal which was called You Got the Dirtee Love, in which Generic Rapper number 41 attempts to rap his own twatty lyrics into the song instead of the actual song ones, while Generic Indie act sings their original song. The song was shit. And then unsurprisingly it went number one. A sentence fit enough to describe the current musical day and age.
And then you get to the newest acts of shitness around. And to start off let’s talk about Eminem’s new album, which was as shit as ever. I watched a documentary about him recently; it kept saying he was a really nice person who gets rid of his anger through his song lyrics. Yes I agree he is really nice UNTIL HE FUCKING PISTOL WHIPS SOMEONE. There was also a song called California Gurls, which if you had read Daniel Barker’s one before this would already have heard about. It is sung by Katy Perry and Scooby Doo (well his name is Snoop Dog.) Also if you had read Daniel Barker’s, you would know this isn’t a remake of a song he likes called California Girls by The Beach Boys, which many people think is a classic. The only way that could be a classic is if there were awards for shitness, it would be a classic in them. True Classic are such things as You can’t always get what you want or Hey Jude. Anyway now back to the shit in hand, California Gurls, the whole point of the song is the video because it basically just is Katy Perry strutting around almost naked, they could have put any song over the top of a video like that. Even a recording of Justin Bieber reading Mein Kampf.
So that brings me to my final point. Justin Bieber, the name enough to make you shudder. He is a ball-less, 16 year old, mophead from the planet of Gaytonia who somehow managed to impress 14 year old fans worldwide with song which will be forgotten by next year, thank god. He constantly sings about fucking girls (ok he constantly sings about kissing girls, fucking is to extreme for this kid) but if you watch the video he only ever manages to stalk them before holding their hand. The only reason people like him is because (mainly gay men and 14 year old girls) they say he is fit. He’s basically the Twilight of music. HE’S NOT FUCKING FIT HE JUST HAS ONE OF THOSE FACES WHICH I WANT TO PUNCH!
And now I’m too angry to carry on writing, Justin Bieber pissed me off that much. It’s a fair bet you will not find this funny because I have just ruined all the music you like. And because this is the case piss off!
Saturday, 17 July 2010
American Dad
Ok I admit it, I’m proud to be English. I'm proud of the country I live in and hate the people who think there fucking country is the best in the whole go damn world. In other words I hate the bloody Americans who think they are better than everyone else. The dicks. Thinking they won every war ever, most American High School kids probably think that WW2 was won by damn John McCain who scuba dived into a sunken submarine with Tom Hanks to collect a fucking nuclear missile.
Which brings me to American Dad, the title alone is enough to put off about 1 billion people in the rest of the fucking countries around the world. Yes but America couldn’t care less about that seeing as according to them the world should be called The United World of America!
Even the basic premise of American Dad epitomises this. The main character is a fucking CIA agent for Christ sake. That's like making a cartoon called Afghan Dad in which the main character is a frigging Al-Qaida member. Then again that wouldn’t work seeing as every episode the main character will kill himself. Wait that works for South park. Doesn't it...
The other main characters-which aren't really main characters because you’re supposed to like the main fucking characters in cartoons because they are supposed to be damn funny. But in this cartoon I’m pretty sure the developers missed that one idea-are an alien named Roger. HAHAHA the aliens named Roger, now let me tell you something Seth, I don’t know if you were supposed to make a joke by calling the alien Roger, but if you were its not fucking funny. Then there's another joke character called Klause or something. He's supposed to be a fucking fish with his brain switched with that of a German skier. He’s also not funny so he can piss off!
There's also Steve, the son. He takes part in many of the even crapper side stories. Or in my words, bits that would sicken your toilet. Hayley is the fucking CIA agent’s daughter, who despises many of the Fucking god damn CIA agent’s actions; she’s basically the average stoner. And finally there's the fucking god damn bullshit CIA agents wife, who is called Lois, I mean Marge, damn I mean Francine, she is portrayed as an idiot, and she fits the role perfectly seeing as idiocy is the only thing coming out of the script writers mouths in dog shit style clumps.
Anyway from now on I'm bored of calling the main character Fucking CIA man so I will not and instead call him Stan Smith. So in other words I have to start this whole damn review again, so let’s give it a go. So this is the Simpsons, fuck I mean this is American Dad, a programme which has no similarities to The Simpsons except maybe thousands of things. It’s so like the Simpsons I expected Homer to show up half way through and beat the crap out of Stan. It’s so un funny that the only way to make it even less funny is have half an hour of kids dying from leukaemia, with pictures of Steve Smith jacking off to them inserted every 5 minutes!
Anyway the whole talk of a program called American Dad gave me the idea for my own program, English Dad. It would of course be made by Americans and if it is actually made I would like 50% of the profit. Right now the business shit is in order lets brainstorm.
The main character would definitely be called Reginald D Humpledink, who in this made up fantasy cuckoo land is the chairmen of BP. He will be a top hat wearing posho who drinks 55 cups of tea a day and walks around talking like he's the fucking Prime Minister! Instead of having a bloody alien as a friend he will instead have a Gordon god damn Brown as a friend, who goes around calling people bigots! You bigot!
They all live at 1066 Windsor Street, in a large manner house in which they have many butlers. Hanging from the walls of the house are thousands of paintings of Queen Elizabeth and David Cameron. He has a son called Steven who has pledged abstinence. He gets no sexual desires at all and just sits at home, reading The Times newspaper while drinking Tea and eating Scones. He looks forward to his first glass of port.
The daughter will be called Henrietta Humpledink who spends the day sewing dresses for mother before roaming the streets of London at night as a high class hooker. She speaks with a cockney accent and agrees that women shouldn’t have as much rights as men (I have been asked to point out by the producer that this is indeed a joke.)
The mother of the children stays at home all day as in the country of England women cannot get jobs or do anything without their husbands BEFORE 19 FUCKING 28.
So look out for this TV show when it comes out next year, in my imagination.
So what was I talking about before I got onto that, oh yeh American Dad, which by watching it has made me want to go outside and get a life as far away from this crap as humanely possible. Now go away.
Which brings me to American Dad, the title alone is enough to put off about 1 billion people in the rest of the fucking countries around the world. Yes but America couldn’t care less about that seeing as according to them the world should be called The United World of America!
Even the basic premise of American Dad epitomises this. The main character is a fucking CIA agent for Christ sake. That's like making a cartoon called Afghan Dad in which the main character is a frigging Al-Qaida member. Then again that wouldn’t work seeing as every episode the main character will kill himself. Wait that works for South park. Doesn't it...
The other main characters-which aren't really main characters because you’re supposed to like the main fucking characters in cartoons because they are supposed to be damn funny. But in this cartoon I’m pretty sure the developers missed that one idea-are an alien named Roger. HAHAHA the aliens named Roger, now let me tell you something Seth, I don’t know if you were supposed to make a joke by calling the alien Roger, but if you were its not fucking funny. Then there's another joke character called Klause or something. He's supposed to be a fucking fish with his brain switched with that of a German skier. He’s also not funny so he can piss off!
There's also Steve, the son. He takes part in many of the even crapper side stories. Or in my words, bits that would sicken your toilet. Hayley is the fucking CIA agent’s daughter, who despises many of the Fucking god damn CIA agent’s actions; she’s basically the average stoner. And finally there's the fucking god damn bullshit CIA agents wife, who is called Lois, I mean Marge, damn I mean Francine, she is portrayed as an idiot, and she fits the role perfectly seeing as idiocy is the only thing coming out of the script writers mouths in dog shit style clumps.
Anyway from now on I'm bored of calling the main character Fucking CIA man so I will not and instead call him Stan Smith. So in other words I have to start this whole damn review again, so let’s give it a go. So this is the Simpsons, fuck I mean this is American Dad, a programme which has no similarities to The Simpsons except maybe thousands of things. It’s so like the Simpsons I expected Homer to show up half way through and beat the crap out of Stan. It’s so un funny that the only way to make it even less funny is have half an hour of kids dying from leukaemia, with pictures of Steve Smith jacking off to them inserted every 5 minutes!
Anyway the whole talk of a program called American Dad gave me the idea for my own program, English Dad. It would of course be made by Americans and if it is actually made I would like 50% of the profit. Right now the business shit is in order lets brainstorm.
The main character would definitely be called Reginald D Humpledink, who in this made up fantasy cuckoo land is the chairmen of BP. He will be a top hat wearing posho who drinks 55 cups of tea a day and walks around talking like he's the fucking Prime Minister! Instead of having a bloody alien as a friend he will instead have a Gordon god damn Brown as a friend, who goes around calling people bigots! You bigot!
They all live at 1066 Windsor Street, in a large manner house in which they have many butlers. Hanging from the walls of the house are thousands of paintings of Queen Elizabeth and David Cameron. He has a son called Steven who has pledged abstinence. He gets no sexual desires at all and just sits at home, reading The Times newspaper while drinking Tea and eating Scones. He looks forward to his first glass of port.
The daughter will be called Henrietta Humpledink who spends the day sewing dresses for mother before roaming the streets of London at night as a high class hooker. She speaks with a cockney accent and agrees that women shouldn’t have as much rights as men (I have been asked to point out by the producer that this is indeed a joke.)
The mother of the children stays at home all day as in the country of England women cannot get jobs or do anything without their husbands BEFORE 19 FUCKING 28.
So look out for this TV show when it comes out next year, in my imagination.
So what was I talking about before I got onto that, oh yeh American Dad, which by watching it has made me want to go outside and get a life as far away from this crap as humanely possible. Now go away.
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