So Torchwood has ended again, with a series that introduced more conspiracy theories than a conference full of retards, has come to an amazing ending. At first I was sceptical, considering the last series was shitter than a man rolling in a field full of cows, and even this season started off slower than a tortoise racing a Formula 1 car. However this series eventually got the ball rolling around the episode where you saw people getting burnt by sinister companies, and it genuinely made you feel something, so much so that it became better than the latest Doctor Who series (but that's harder than beating a one legged man in the egg and spoon race.)
So this season has had its highs and its lows, the lows mainly being the fact that there are more gay sex scenes than there where in Freddie Mercury’s private life. This didn’t stop the series ending on a fitting, epic ending, which ties up all the plot lines more neatly than the house of a person with OCD. I felt like I wanted to see what would happen next all the way through it, and when it did end it was quite moving.
Well Torchwood was easily one of the best things I’ve seen on TV all year, or even for a long time, and I can’t wait for a next series... Well that is unless it’s a shit as the previous season, please don’t let that happen.
Wednesday, 21 September 2011
Saturday, 17 September 2011
Deus Ex: Human Revolution Review
If you know me well enough, and by well enough I mean read this blog by casually skimming over it like a fat person looking at the amount of calories in a burger, you will know there are not much games that I love, and I hate most more than Japanese tentacle porn, it doesn’t help that almost all major releases are Call of Duty or other FPS’ without story and the only explanation to do what your doing is that the CIA are have a charity swear box and the main characters want you to encourage them to have to donate, with the word fuck being said constantly.
However there are a few games that are exceptions to this, the Metal Gear Solid series for example, Team Fortress 2 for my online shooting, or definitely the Half Life series, my favourite gaming series of all time. (See the top 10 Games Collab I did with The Rofling Officer) Oh and the original Deus Ex was there as well, and now if you hadn’t realised because you were too busy playing the new Call of Duty zombie maps, which are as original as the concept of America stealing credit for winning WW2 singlehandedly, a new one’s come out.
So Deus Ex, widely considered one of greatest games of all time by people who are more qualified to do that than you idiots, who just read gaming reviews instead of giving yourself the imaginary title of Games Reviewer. It involved J.C Denton, a man with less charisma in his voice than a toaster, getting to the bottom of conspiracy theories, and was rightly praised for its levels being more open than a prostitute’s cunt... Oh and the fact that you could enter the women’s toilets like a bigger pervert than that person looking through your window.
So Deus Ex 2 Human Revolution (And anybody who even dares mention Invisible War can have a Squirrel shoved up there arse with a shoe. That game made me and any sane gamer want to lay our heads on an airport runway) is the newest game in one of my all time favourite gaming series, and it doesn’t disappoint.
The story is more compelling than being told you’ll get a blow job at the end of a tunnel, immersing you into the game with choices that make you think more than being allowed to pick one of 1 billion pounds or having a magic fucking talking eggplant growing in the corner of your room.
So the story introduces Adam Jensen, a man who’s voice still has less emotion than a lawnmower having a particularly hard divorce, but hey at least it’s better than having to drink gravel before you speak. He is also the security manager of the main company in the game, but as you can see by the first level, he’s pretty shit at his job, considering he can’t stop the massacre of almost every scientist in the factory. He also gets shot in the head, but this is still not explained why it leads to his arms falling off.
So after becoming a robot and finding it hard to get through airport security, Jensen comes back to work, and starts shooting, tranquilising and stealthing his way through a bigger conspiracy than why Gordon Brown doesn’t appeal to girls.
In many ways it captures the flavour of the old game brilliantly, rewarding exploration as if it’s training to become a stalker, allowing you to move every vending machine like an OCD deliveryman and also being able to hack most computers in the game to flesh out the story/read spam from Nigerian business men. Also you can explore WOMENS TOILETS, possibly the most important part of any game ever.
The hacking itself is good now, bringing a good cross of luck and strategy, and the dialogue puzzles and options are nice, giving you more options on how you play the level, and also opening many moral choices to consider.
Due to not having the RPG elements though, the guns also feel funner to shoot, especially the non lethal one, as they become a pain if your aim shakes like you’ve just drunk 300 cups of coffee after being raped. At first I thought this would be an awful change, but after playing the game I can actually see that it is for the better.
There are a few ways in which this game fails though, mainly the augs. You get upgrades faster than Usain Bolt while high, so by the end of the game you’re just an unstoppable killing machine who can fire grenades from out his arse.... Oh yeah and did I mention YOU CAN FIRE GRENADES FROM OUT YOUR ARSE. This means that after half way through the game it’s pointless examining what upgrade to get next, as you’ll be able get all the ones which benefit you more than being able to fly if you’re aeroplane is crashing.
Because of this, most people’s notion of non lethal goes out the window as soon as you get the typhoon, which again LETS YOU FIRE GRENADES FROM YOUR ARSE, IS THEIR ANYTHING MORE BAD ASS.
And this lets me segway onto melee combat somehow, and by melee combat I mean that Adam Jensen can punch less than a man with no hands. I don’t see why they took melee combat out the game, it makes less sense than a man removing half his brain. Are First person shooters getting to the point where they are trying to get rid of everything except shooting in gaming? What’s next, we can’t even run, we just get taken on a conveyer belt to shoot enemies?
Your augmentations also seem more advanced than those of J.C and Paul Denton, which doesn’t make much sense, as you’re an early version of what became Gunther Hermann, who looked as if he’d just come back from a year long beating with a lead pipe. In this game though, you look as if you’ve been made by Apple, all shiny and sleek (and also some useless Augmentation features.)
And this brings me onto the main, cancerous criticism of the game, the boss fights, so if you’ve gone non-lethal you’re going to be punished more than a sex slave in the Spanish Inquisition, as these bosses are more linear in your choices than a very long corridor. A good boss fight would allow me choice how to kill it, maybe non-lethally knocking him out, or having a huge army of robots to help you if you’ve augmented your hacking. This became a huge problem because by the time that I got to the first boss, I only had a stun gun and a tranquiliser rifle, he had a gun that fired exploding puppy’s and the strength of an elephant driving a tank.
The bosses are also the only people in the game who have no back story, at least in the original I knew why these guys were trying to splatter by brains on their living room fireplace. The personality of these guys can just be summed up with the statement “bunch of cocks.” When you can FIRE GRENADES OUT YOU’RE ARSE, these guys get killed within 2 seconds anyway.
So now we get to the ending, which I both liked and didn’t like at the same time. The main problem being that it is possibly the most unchallenging level on the game, because hey, a game always gets more challenging when you have to fight off lobotomised retards with no guns. Then you have the final boss fight, which is the only good one on the game, requiring you to think about what you have to do. Then comes the actual ending.
You are given a choice between 4 different endings, and just because of how much I felt about the different characters it took me a long time to choose which one, even though I knew non of them would have changed what happens much, and it didn’t, but that doesn’t matter much. I would like to see what happens to all the characters after it, but at the moment that doesn’t bother me, hopefully they’ll add something else at the end in DLC (and by DLC I mean free content patch, unlike the other stuff their releasing for it.)
So compared to every other game that has come out since the last Half life game in 2007, you can’t go wrong with this one, it’s the best I’ve played in a long time, beating Portal 2 more than a cheetah beats a baby in a 100m race, and will probably by my game of the year. Please can everyone play this game right now, to prove a smart game is better than nuking the Middle East constantly.
However there are a few games that are exceptions to this, the Metal Gear Solid series for example, Team Fortress 2 for my online shooting, or definitely the Half Life series, my favourite gaming series of all time. (See the top 10 Games Collab I did with The Rofling Officer) Oh and the original Deus Ex was there as well, and now if you hadn’t realised because you were too busy playing the new Call of Duty zombie maps, which are as original as the concept of America stealing credit for winning WW2 singlehandedly, a new one’s come out.
So Deus Ex, widely considered one of greatest games of all time by people who are more qualified to do that than you idiots, who just read gaming reviews instead of giving yourself the imaginary title of Games Reviewer. It involved J.C Denton, a man with less charisma in his voice than a toaster, getting to the bottom of conspiracy theories, and was rightly praised for its levels being more open than a prostitute’s cunt... Oh and the fact that you could enter the women’s toilets like a bigger pervert than that person looking through your window.
So Deus Ex 2 Human Revolution (And anybody who even dares mention Invisible War can have a Squirrel shoved up there arse with a shoe. That game made me and any sane gamer want to lay our heads on an airport runway) is the newest game in one of my all time favourite gaming series, and it doesn’t disappoint.
The story is more compelling than being told you’ll get a blow job at the end of a tunnel, immersing you into the game with choices that make you think more than being allowed to pick one of 1 billion pounds or having a magic fucking talking eggplant growing in the corner of your room.
So the story introduces Adam Jensen, a man who’s voice still has less emotion than a lawnmower having a particularly hard divorce, but hey at least it’s better than having to drink gravel before you speak. He is also the security manager of the main company in the game, but as you can see by the first level, he’s pretty shit at his job, considering he can’t stop the massacre of almost every scientist in the factory. He also gets shot in the head, but this is still not explained why it leads to his arms falling off.
So after becoming a robot and finding it hard to get through airport security, Jensen comes back to work, and starts shooting, tranquilising and stealthing his way through a bigger conspiracy than why Gordon Brown doesn’t appeal to girls.
In many ways it captures the flavour of the old game brilliantly, rewarding exploration as if it’s training to become a stalker, allowing you to move every vending machine like an OCD deliveryman and also being able to hack most computers in the game to flesh out the story/read spam from Nigerian business men. Also you can explore WOMENS TOILETS, possibly the most important part of any game ever.
The hacking itself is good now, bringing a good cross of luck and strategy, and the dialogue puzzles and options are nice, giving you more options on how you play the level, and also opening many moral choices to consider.
Due to not having the RPG elements though, the guns also feel funner to shoot, especially the non lethal one, as they become a pain if your aim shakes like you’ve just drunk 300 cups of coffee after being raped. At first I thought this would be an awful change, but after playing the game I can actually see that it is for the better.
There are a few ways in which this game fails though, mainly the augs. You get upgrades faster than Usain Bolt while high, so by the end of the game you’re just an unstoppable killing machine who can fire grenades from out his arse.... Oh yeah and did I mention YOU CAN FIRE GRENADES FROM OUT YOUR ARSE. This means that after half way through the game it’s pointless examining what upgrade to get next, as you’ll be able get all the ones which benefit you more than being able to fly if you’re aeroplane is crashing.
Because of this, most people’s notion of non lethal goes out the window as soon as you get the typhoon, which again LETS YOU FIRE GRENADES FROM YOUR ARSE, IS THEIR ANYTHING MORE BAD ASS.
And this lets me segway onto melee combat somehow, and by melee combat I mean that Adam Jensen can punch less than a man with no hands. I don’t see why they took melee combat out the game, it makes less sense than a man removing half his brain. Are First person shooters getting to the point where they are trying to get rid of everything except shooting in gaming? What’s next, we can’t even run, we just get taken on a conveyer belt to shoot enemies?
Your augmentations also seem more advanced than those of J.C and Paul Denton, which doesn’t make much sense, as you’re an early version of what became Gunther Hermann, who looked as if he’d just come back from a year long beating with a lead pipe. In this game though, you look as if you’ve been made by Apple, all shiny and sleek (and also some useless Augmentation features.)
And this brings me onto the main, cancerous criticism of the game, the boss fights, so if you’ve gone non-lethal you’re going to be punished more than a sex slave in the Spanish Inquisition, as these bosses are more linear in your choices than a very long corridor. A good boss fight would allow me choice how to kill it, maybe non-lethally knocking him out, or having a huge army of robots to help you if you’ve augmented your hacking. This became a huge problem because by the time that I got to the first boss, I only had a stun gun and a tranquiliser rifle, he had a gun that fired exploding puppy’s and the strength of an elephant driving a tank.
The bosses are also the only people in the game who have no back story, at least in the original I knew why these guys were trying to splatter by brains on their living room fireplace. The personality of these guys can just be summed up with the statement “bunch of cocks.” When you can FIRE GRENADES OUT YOU’RE ARSE, these guys get killed within 2 seconds anyway.
So now we get to the ending, which I both liked and didn’t like at the same time. The main problem being that it is possibly the most unchallenging level on the game, because hey, a game always gets more challenging when you have to fight off lobotomised retards with no guns. Then you have the final boss fight, which is the only good one on the game, requiring you to think about what you have to do. Then comes the actual ending.
You are given a choice between 4 different endings, and just because of how much I felt about the different characters it took me a long time to choose which one, even though I knew non of them would have changed what happens much, and it didn’t, but that doesn’t matter much. I would like to see what happens to all the characters after it, but at the moment that doesn’t bother me, hopefully they’ll add something else at the end in DLC (and by DLC I mean free content patch, unlike the other stuff their releasing for it.)
So compared to every other game that has come out since the last Half life game in 2007, you can’t go wrong with this one, it’s the best I’ve played in a long time, beating Portal 2 more than a cheetah beats a baby in a 100m race, and will probably by my game of the year. Please can everyone play this game right now, to prove a smart game is better than nuking the Middle East constantly.
The Top 10 Greatest Games of the Decade
John: Finally putting this on my blog about 6 months after it went on the other, because i'm slower than a snail on anti deppressants. Enjoy, or don't, i absolutely don't gove a shit.
Well one decade is over, the years 2000-2010 saw a massive amount of great games, but an even greater amount of god-awful games. Today, me and John Smith will do yet another collaborated effort (I'm getting sick of that bastard) to discuss the 10 greatest games of the past decade, so at number 10...!
10. Resident Evil 4 (2005)!
Dan: Right well, my favourite and the ONLY good game in the Resident Evil franchise. This series made me think, wow and I thought that Saw was bad for sequels (you know, like it wasn't shit enough the first fucking time), look at this Resident Evil list! Then roughly 2 years ago, I bought Resident Evil 5, and I liked it. What initially pissed me off about it was the accused racism (which wasn't as bad as Left 4 Dead 2, some guy called it racist because you kill one black zombie among the few million white ones you just blasted apart). Eventually I realised how shit it was, and bought Resident Evil 4. Unfortunately I bought it on the Wii, but that is a different story. Immediately I thought "fuck me, this is great!" when the Spanish (shush! Don't tell anyone I said that) village I was in suddenly went all cannibal on me, and I desperately ran around blasting zombies in the face, then kicking them away with all the force that puffy haired, must-have-legs-made-of-titanium (because he can take a bear trap to the leg and just walk it off, in real life he'd have no leg to walk it off with), unlucky fool Leon Kennedy. Yes, Ashley's cries of help are so annoying I often let her die with the sound turned down to satisfy my anger, but this is one hell of a game.
9. Morrowind (2002)!
John: Now you may be thinking Morrorwind, why Morrowind and not, say Oblivion. Well my first response would be to slap you steal your mastercard, shag your wife and shout at you "I'M THE GAMES REVIEWER. FUUUUUUCK OFFFF!" but then, while buying some aeroplane tickets with your mastercard to get out of the country I would think about your question and wonder why myself (can't wonder much, I got bored of Oblivion within 5 minutes, but lets gloss over that for this). Well first things first, Oblivion dosn't seem as rich in lore as Morrorwind and feels like there just barking orders at you to do stuff like an angry army general who got raped as a kid so is taking this out on you. You have no reason to do anything, and you don't even save the frigging world, it's the dead emperors son..... freeloading bastard, no wonder i went all texas chainsaw on a nearby church as soon as i got into the world. However the main reason is that Oblivion itself just feels like what it is.... A game, while Morrowind, it feels more like a world to explore, and that is why I am still doing. (Also it's where I got my internet name from.)
8. Rome: Total War (2004)!
John: Rome Total War, the moment the Total War series hit superiority before it collapsed like a flower being squashed an elephant holding a brick (no matter what Dan says about how he thinks Medieval 2 was better, it was a good game, but no better than this.) Now to people like me Shogun and the first Medieval game where good, but not like this. Then you have Empire and Napoleon, but you can't really blame Rome Total War for those, thats like blaming a Cambridge Professor for his great great grandson being a drug taking, alcoholic who shoves his head up camesls arses for no reason. The Game itself also allowed me to try new things such as, Who would win in a fight, Snoopy, Dumbo or Crispy Bacon (it was the Pigs) or could Britain conquor the world centuries to early. I regularly go back to playing this game, and now over to Dan to tell us more. STOP DROOLING OVER THE BACON!
Dan: Yes, as John says this is not my favourite game in the Total War series, but that doesn't stop it being better than rolling around on a pile of women and money. Yes the AI is dreadful, but that makes it hilarious at times. Like when an enemy army outnumbers me so many times over that it was the equivilent to a right wing person in a History lesson (all my History lessons are so left-wing they might as well teach us: "Fuck Hitler, go Stalin!") and instead of attacking me they just continually reposition their men, giving me time to grind them down with archers. Anyway it has a solid campaigns, involving battles and started off how the Total War series should always be forever. Now, then to revise History. Hmmm, conservatism is shit, go liberalism! There, done.
7. Beyond Good and Evil (2003)!
John: Beyond Good and Evil, one of the most painfully underrated games of all time, the fact people haven’t heard of it makes me want to bang my head against a wall constantly until I’m bleeding and I can’t remember my own name (it’s even worse when they haven’t heard of Half Life, but that's the console lot for you), it had everything you could ever wish for in a game. Diverse game play which is so diverse it feels the opposite of Saudi Arabia or the Call of Duty series, great visuals and soundtrack and extremely good characters, like a giant pig called Pey’j who would probably make great bacon. However it could hold an award for its actual achievement. It was released on all major consoles to great reviews but somehow managed to fall faster than a guys with an anvil on his back rather than a parachute, on top of a whale. Why was this, maybe the lack of advertisement, or that it was released by an unknown company? However if you did play it, it takes all the good parts out of Zelda, and murders all the awful parts by putting it into a blender and allowing it to be squashed by a truck. It was hugely accessible, and allowed you to play the game in any way you wished, except the way in which you shout the world is going to end, and place the console on your head to stop the aliens from reading your mind after you’ve exploded the TV with a nuclear missile. Play this game now or I’ll personally come round to your house and blow it up with my army of exploding topiary bushes shaped like penises off of Minecraft.
6. Metal Gear Solid 3 (2004)!
The Metal Gear Solid series, the gaming series which sounds as a whole, along with most of the characters, like one huge Sexual Metaphor. SOLID Snake hahaha. (Then again, have you ever played Call of Duty 2: Big Red One? Badly chosen title there, it makes it sound like you’re playing as a swollen bell end where you go around slapping people to death with it.) And that’s just the title, but no, it still didn’t put people off, so to try even harder to put people off playing this series, Hideo Kojima decided to put cut scenes into the game which you would only be able to watch if you have no job so instead spend all day masturbating over men crawling around in mud, while thinking about ways you can blow puppies up with nukes, kinda like George Bush. However, this still didn’t make the game awful and instead, underneath all these long cut scenes, they made one of my favourite game series of all time, the best being Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. Yes it has a name that seems even more of a sexual metaphor than the rest of this series... Hahaha Snake Eater, that could mean blowjob hahaha... are jokes that mainly are thrown around like stones in Iran at a lesbian woman without a veil, however a name doesn’t make a game does it (unless it has the words Call of Duty in it) so let’s ignore that and concentrate on the game, and boy it is good with its survival game play. You need to change your Camouflage to fit in with the nearby surroundings (unlike MGS’ 4, which game me Octo Camo, a suit which makes you look like a Porn star with leather fetishes.) You also had to kill animals to eat and restore stamina (even snakes *snigger*), while you need to treat his injuries to be able to get to full health. Plus it doesn’t have Raiden, that wimpy girly cunt who looks like he’s just stepped out of ballet. In MGS 4 he even makes Cyborg Ninjas look like they would enjoy a Justin Bieber concert in Brighton. I can’t remember a game where I wish to play as somebody who would rather wave a rainbow flag instead of his enemies now red, surrender flag.
5. Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (2007)!
Dan: Well 3 words sum up how great this game is: nuke, ghillie and multiplayer. Since John is taking the last one, I'll start with the first two. The campaign of this game is so compelling, even though it sounds like the most generic plot ever, so generic is could rival "hello" when you see someone. The plot revolves around Arab Terrorists, Russian communists and nuclear weapons. That sentence alone would nowadays put me off these games, like Call of Duty Black Ops where you can fight the dream American enemies all in one game: Communists, Vietnamese, British and Nazis. The only thing that's missing is a starting level in Afghanistan. Anyway this was the game that revolutionised Call of Duty and made it what it is today. Call of Duty 3 was awful but no one had ever heard of it, so that's alright. When CoD 4 came along it was beyond awesome, (particularly the nuke scene, I mean it could only have been more awesome if some naked lesbians were having sex and you got to crawl towards THEM in your dying breath) but then CoD went downhill again, as Treyarch developed the next game. Fuck, Treyarch's development must include: buy a copy of Call of Duty 4 (or rent, we're on a tight budget! You know, because we're FUCKING SHIT!), change the graphics a little to change it to a WW2 Pacific setting, then release it brand new. But I'm getting off topic. The reason the word Ghillie is on their is because of the brilliant sniping mission where stealth is your only chance of survival (unless you're on Recruit, in which case it's a bit like playing the Heavy on Team Fortress 2 against a load of idiots who don't know the controls). So to sum up, Call of Duty 4 is incredible. Over to John.
John: Call of Duty 4, or Call of Duty Before they got Shit, is obviously great and, unlike most FPS with the words Call of Duty or Medal of Honor (it’s Honour cunts) shoehorned on the front like a stripper in a physics video to get the men’s attention half way through, this has a story, not a corridor to walk down while a load of Americans wank themselves over guns before a finale were Sergeant Awesome Mcapplepie Washington Bush sticks a large American flag into the British, Nazi, Communist, Muslim’s body while Star Spangled Banner plays over the top. This, however, has all the Americans die off in the middle after they all spunk over how awesome they are causing the largest explosion in the history of awesomeness (created circa 1776 with the declaration of independence), actually no, they all die because there all retards and there trying to be heroic when instead there just stupid, and shagging a nuke, unlike the British. And now I’ve realised I’ve taken up way to much of this talking about random things instead of the multiplayer, so I’ll say, it was ok, better than the rest of the Call of Duty’s, however this still feels like a run down a long, dark tunnel with a bright light at the other end. In Layman’s terms, You Walk in, you walk out 10 days later no better off. Anyway, to wrap this up, at least the online is balanced, unlike the kill streaks on Modern Warfare 2 onwards, which punishes noobs for being noobs until they quit as it is less balanced than a man with one leg, on a Half Life see saw holding Jabba the Hutt.
4. Armed and Dangerous (2003)!
Dan: OK, this was never going to win any awards but this is an incredible game. Just like John's Beyond Good and Evil review, this game is criminally underrated. Wait a minute, you may say with your stupid hat on and your jeans half way down your arse (I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!), if Armed and Dangerous wouldn't win any awards then why is it on this list? The reason is simple: it's hilarious. It's the funniest game I've ever played in my life, by far. It makes Portal look like a Friedberg and Seltzer film. OK the gameplay is average and there isn't a huge variety of enemies but the story takes the piss out of itself in a way that makes me think "wow I love this game". I mean come on the Land-Shark gun? A gun that fires sharks that eat enemies from under the ground? And the World's Smallest Black Hole that is sort of self explanatory? These two things alone are so funny and awesome that Armed and Dangerous is an incredible game.
3. World Of Warcraft (2004)!
John: World of Warcraft, the soul sucking game which has probably ravaged the world more than a nuclear holocaust started by cats. It’s more addictive than a blended mix of heroin and cocaine seasoned with tobacco and being smoked by two naked lesbians who want a threesome, however, at one time this game would probably have been my favourite of all time. Yes it grinds more than a rock crusher with a chainsaw up its exhaust because for some reason it feels you haven’t had enough fun killing 9 of these fucking creatures already so you have to kill 1 more. It makes you feel like a serial killer working at a butchers. The whole game leaves your life about as beneficial as a polar bear in Afghanistan without a bomb. However, even though there are all these minor complaints, the game itself is actually more fun than a bath filled with money and laser weapons. They constantly add more content, and have made there more to do than in my actual life, which involves sitting on a chair writing these reviews for fuck knows who. They have steadily made it easier and the content more varied as updates are released. Especially now with Cataclysm, where they also introduce two new races, including Goblins which are basically just gnomes spray painted green and genetically modified to have big ears. They get to start off driving about in a theme park created by some engineer on crack, while the other new race are the Worgen, which seem to be populated by chimney sweeps who love Twilight, so I’m surprised they haven’t got names such as Edward, Starshine or Winky Dick. All in all, I love this game, particularly now when I don’t need to collect 10 of everything and could probably blow up the sun instead. I don’t play it anymore though, so this makes me kind of hypocritical.
Dan: The biggest problem I have with WoW is the stereotypes everyone associates with it. This guy plays WoW? WOW WHAT A LOSER HAHA! Isn't WoW that game that's killed LOADS of people? etc. etc. The actual game is spectacular, but the stereotypes have been forced into my skull so often by everyone (except the people who play WoW funnily enough) I always feel guilty when playing. Since John has pretty much said exactly what I feel about this game, the bastard, I'll just have a laugh at the controversies attached to it. WoW is a diamond for all the stupid fucking video game hating twats as it can be so addictive it has killed quite a few people. Now while they pretend to be outraged by this, I try to stop myself pissing with laughter, I mean come on, anyone who plays WoW that much must have a daily routine of: Play WoW, change adult nappy, grope to the side for peanuts, play Wow, pass out from exhaustion, come around, play WoW. Anyone who lives like that deserves to die. As you can probably tell by now, I'm struggling for things to say, so I'll rap it up here and move on to my favourite game of all time (but not the game of the decade).
2. Halo: Combat Evolved! (2001)
John: Oh god, why is this game here, if it deserves to be on this list at all, it should only be about 10th, but if Dan wants it here, then we'll just have to leave it.
Dan: Words cannot describe how I feel about this game. To come even close I'd need to be mid-orgasm at the time, and since that can't happen right now, I'll just talk about different parts. The game's story is extremely original and compelling, but you will probably never hear this from anyone else except me, because... well because its the same storyline that was in Halo 3, Halo 3: ODST and Halo: Reach used it. Halo: Combat Evolved was the first and best Halo game, breathtaking gameplay for its time, wah wah the graphics were shit WELL GRAPHICS DON'T FUCKING MATTER DO THEY!?! A few minor complaints include the sometimes crap weapons, like the needler, that looks so badass at first its ass must have been sent to jail fifty times and had an ass the size of Jupiter, the needler turns out to sound like a anxious nerd trying to ask a giant wrestler where the Warhammer models are and does about as much damage as flicking peas at the enemy. To finish off, everything in the game blends together perfectly, the vehicle sections, the story, the enemies, the different environments, they all combine together to create something that became my favourite game ever. However, even though it is my favourite game, that does NOT mean it is the best game of the decade, as that is what follows:
1. Half-Life 2!
John: Half Life 2, ah Half life 2, one of the true loves in my life, like an American and Cheeseburgers. It is easily the greatest game of the last decade and perhaps all time. So Half Life 2 and just talking about it turns me into a gibbering husk bla blue de dah. YOU MONSTERS, YOU’VE JUST MADE ME BRAIN DEA... oh I’m fine. So, the graphics have aged extremely well, like an old woman addicted to Botox and still feel like they could stand up with most modern games artistically. The game is extremely fun to play through still, with its variation of enemies and puzzles, which aren’t too hard but also don’t treat you like a retard that is using his dunce cap instead of his gun. The storyline also still feels as new as a dog which can breathe fire from his mouth, and as crisp to. It is easily the best I’ve ever played in any game, especially compared to the “realistic” shooters of modern times, which consist of Bang Bang, Shoot Shoot NOW LOOK AT OUR MULTIPLAYER. It really dragged me into the story, except Gordon Freeman’s muteness, they could have offered to wax his chest as he flew into the sun and they would still have seen it as him agreeing. Perhaps he has a large palette of facial expressions. Even the best game has some faults though, such as the endless use of Headcrabs, yes we get it guys there the most popular alien WE DON’T NEED THEM CONSTANTLY. It’s like the design meeting of some level consisted of “How could we improve this level, oh I know, put another headcrab round this corner because that's never been done before.” They also use Seesaw puzzles every few seconds as well; I’ve completed more see saws than a playground planner. However it still comes through these faults and is the best game of the decade. Plus Antlions, antlions are cool. It makes me feel like Napoleon.... if he had access to aliens. Napoleon would have won with Antlions.
Dan: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG MUM GET ME A TOWEL...! I love this game. I love it. The pacing is incredible, I think it has the best pacing I've ever seen in a game, the opening levels bring you into the story and gradually build up, leaving you wanting more even after that fucking Ravenholm level. Anyway the climax of the game is breathtakingly brilliant, thanks to the pacing that leaves it easily the best part of the game. In a lot of ways, Half Life 2 is like sexual intercourse. It starts off slow and feels good, but then gets faster and faster and better and better until it climaxes, and seminal fluid sprays everywhere. Well the analogy broke down there but you get the general gist of it. As for bad points, I guess you could say the Ravenholm level, but deep down I actually see how that is pretty good level, it mixes up the normal gameplay considerably. Sure it's unbelievably annoying when a zombie pushes you off a ledge you spent half an hour getting to but... well I'm not sure where I'm going with this. The major annoyance in the game are the FUCKING loading screens. They come everytime there's a lull in the game where nothing is really going on and make it so everything stops suddenly, not very good in immersion terms. What's worse is they last for about 15 seconds, which isn't as bad as some PS3 games but is bad enough to make me cry out with frustration by the end of it. These however are tolerable compared to the epicness of the majesty of the brilliance of the... you know what who cares what I think GET THIS GAME RIGHT NOW! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW N...
A little note from John at the end
This list is almost sure to send any Deus ex fan into a huge rage over why their favourite game ever is not on this list. I feel your pain, I loved that game (not as good as Half Life 2, but loved it)and honestly I don't know why it is not on the list, so we'll say that it just didn't come under the specified time frame (even though it just did.)
Well one decade is over, the years 2000-2010 saw a massive amount of great games, but an even greater amount of god-awful games. Today, me and John Smith will do yet another collaborated effort (I'm getting sick of that bastard) to discuss the 10 greatest games of the past decade, so at number 10...!
10. Resident Evil 4 (2005)!
Dan: Right well, my favourite and the ONLY good game in the Resident Evil franchise. This series made me think, wow and I thought that Saw was bad for sequels (you know, like it wasn't shit enough the first fucking time), look at this Resident Evil list! Then roughly 2 years ago, I bought Resident Evil 5, and I liked it. What initially pissed me off about it was the accused racism (which wasn't as bad as Left 4 Dead 2, some guy called it racist because you kill one black zombie among the few million white ones you just blasted apart). Eventually I realised how shit it was, and bought Resident Evil 4. Unfortunately I bought it on the Wii, but that is a different story. Immediately I thought "fuck me, this is great!" when the Spanish (shush! Don't tell anyone I said that) village I was in suddenly went all cannibal on me, and I desperately ran around blasting zombies in the face, then kicking them away with all the force that puffy haired, must-have-legs-made-of-titanium (because he can take a bear trap to the leg and just walk it off, in real life he'd have no leg to walk it off with), unlucky fool Leon Kennedy. Yes, Ashley's cries of help are so annoying I often let her die with the sound turned down to satisfy my anger, but this is one hell of a game.
9. Morrowind (2002)!
John: Now you may be thinking Morrorwind, why Morrowind and not, say Oblivion. Well my first response would be to slap you steal your mastercard, shag your wife and shout at you "I'M THE GAMES REVIEWER. FUUUUUUCK OFFFF!" but then, while buying some aeroplane tickets with your mastercard to get out of the country I would think about your question and wonder why myself (can't wonder much, I got bored of Oblivion within 5 minutes, but lets gloss over that for this). Well first things first, Oblivion dosn't seem as rich in lore as Morrorwind and feels like there just barking orders at you to do stuff like an angry army general who got raped as a kid so is taking this out on you. You have no reason to do anything, and you don't even save the frigging world, it's the dead emperors son..... freeloading bastard, no wonder i went all texas chainsaw on a nearby church as soon as i got into the world. However the main reason is that Oblivion itself just feels like what it is.... A game, while Morrowind, it feels more like a world to explore, and that is why I am still doing. (Also it's where I got my internet name from.)
8. Rome: Total War (2004)!
John: Rome Total War, the moment the Total War series hit superiority before it collapsed like a flower being squashed an elephant holding a brick (no matter what Dan says about how he thinks Medieval 2 was better, it was a good game, but no better than this.) Now to people like me Shogun and the first Medieval game where good, but not like this. Then you have Empire and Napoleon, but you can't really blame Rome Total War for those, thats like blaming a Cambridge Professor for his great great grandson being a drug taking, alcoholic who shoves his head up camesls arses for no reason. The Game itself also allowed me to try new things such as, Who would win in a fight, Snoopy, Dumbo or Crispy Bacon (it was the Pigs) or could Britain conquor the world centuries to early. I regularly go back to playing this game, and now over to Dan to tell us more. STOP DROOLING OVER THE BACON!
Dan: Yes, as John says this is not my favourite game in the Total War series, but that doesn't stop it being better than rolling around on a pile of women and money. Yes the AI is dreadful, but that makes it hilarious at times. Like when an enemy army outnumbers me so many times over that it was the equivilent to a right wing person in a History lesson (all my History lessons are so left-wing they might as well teach us: "Fuck Hitler, go Stalin!") and instead of attacking me they just continually reposition their men, giving me time to grind them down with archers. Anyway it has a solid campaigns, involving battles and started off how the Total War series should always be forever. Now, then to revise History. Hmmm, conservatism is shit, go liberalism! There, done.
7. Beyond Good and Evil (2003)!
John: Beyond Good and Evil, one of the most painfully underrated games of all time, the fact people haven’t heard of it makes me want to bang my head against a wall constantly until I’m bleeding and I can’t remember my own name (it’s even worse when they haven’t heard of Half Life, but that's the console lot for you), it had everything you could ever wish for in a game. Diverse game play which is so diverse it feels the opposite of Saudi Arabia or the Call of Duty series, great visuals and soundtrack and extremely good characters, like a giant pig called Pey’j who would probably make great bacon. However it could hold an award for its actual achievement. It was released on all major consoles to great reviews but somehow managed to fall faster than a guys with an anvil on his back rather than a parachute, on top of a whale. Why was this, maybe the lack of advertisement, or that it was released by an unknown company? However if you did play it, it takes all the good parts out of Zelda, and murders all the awful parts by putting it into a blender and allowing it to be squashed by a truck. It was hugely accessible, and allowed you to play the game in any way you wished, except the way in which you shout the world is going to end, and place the console on your head to stop the aliens from reading your mind after you’ve exploded the TV with a nuclear missile. Play this game now or I’ll personally come round to your house and blow it up with my army of exploding topiary bushes shaped like penises off of Minecraft.
6. Metal Gear Solid 3 (2004)!
The Metal Gear Solid series, the gaming series which sounds as a whole, along with most of the characters, like one huge Sexual Metaphor. SOLID Snake hahaha. (Then again, have you ever played Call of Duty 2: Big Red One? Badly chosen title there, it makes it sound like you’re playing as a swollen bell end where you go around slapping people to death with it.) And that’s just the title, but no, it still didn’t put people off, so to try even harder to put people off playing this series, Hideo Kojima decided to put cut scenes into the game which you would only be able to watch if you have no job so instead spend all day masturbating over men crawling around in mud, while thinking about ways you can blow puppies up with nukes, kinda like George Bush. However, this still didn’t make the game awful and instead, underneath all these long cut scenes, they made one of my favourite game series of all time, the best being Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. Yes it has a name that seems even more of a sexual metaphor than the rest of this series... Hahaha Snake Eater, that could mean blowjob hahaha... are jokes that mainly are thrown around like stones in Iran at a lesbian woman without a veil, however a name doesn’t make a game does it (unless it has the words Call of Duty in it) so let’s ignore that and concentrate on the game, and boy it is good with its survival game play. You need to change your Camouflage to fit in with the nearby surroundings (unlike MGS’ 4, which game me Octo Camo, a suit which makes you look like a Porn star with leather fetishes.) You also had to kill animals to eat and restore stamina (even snakes *snigger*), while you need to treat his injuries to be able to get to full health. Plus it doesn’t have Raiden, that wimpy girly cunt who looks like he’s just stepped out of ballet. In MGS 4 he even makes Cyborg Ninjas look like they would enjoy a Justin Bieber concert in Brighton. I can’t remember a game where I wish to play as somebody who would rather wave a rainbow flag instead of his enemies now red, surrender flag.
5. Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (2007)!
Dan: Well 3 words sum up how great this game is: nuke, ghillie and multiplayer. Since John is taking the last one, I'll start with the first two. The campaign of this game is so compelling, even though it sounds like the most generic plot ever, so generic is could rival "hello" when you see someone. The plot revolves around Arab Terrorists, Russian communists and nuclear weapons. That sentence alone would nowadays put me off these games, like Call of Duty Black Ops where you can fight the dream American enemies all in one game: Communists, Vietnamese, British and Nazis. The only thing that's missing is a starting level in Afghanistan. Anyway this was the game that revolutionised Call of Duty and made it what it is today. Call of Duty 3 was awful but no one had ever heard of it, so that's alright. When CoD 4 came along it was beyond awesome, (particularly the nuke scene, I mean it could only have been more awesome if some naked lesbians were having sex and you got to crawl towards THEM in your dying breath) but then CoD went downhill again, as Treyarch developed the next game. Fuck, Treyarch's development must include: buy a copy of Call of Duty 4 (or rent, we're on a tight budget! You know, because we're FUCKING SHIT!), change the graphics a little to change it to a WW2 Pacific setting, then release it brand new. But I'm getting off topic. The reason the word Ghillie is on their is because of the brilliant sniping mission where stealth is your only chance of survival (unless you're on Recruit, in which case it's a bit like playing the Heavy on Team Fortress 2 against a load of idiots who don't know the controls). So to sum up, Call of Duty 4 is incredible. Over to John.
John: Call of Duty 4, or Call of Duty Before they got Shit, is obviously great and, unlike most FPS with the words Call of Duty or Medal of Honor (it’s Honour cunts) shoehorned on the front like a stripper in a physics video to get the men’s attention half way through, this has a story, not a corridor to walk down while a load of Americans wank themselves over guns before a finale were Sergeant Awesome Mcapplepie Washington Bush sticks a large American flag into the British, Nazi, Communist, Muslim’s body while Star Spangled Banner plays over the top. This, however, has all the Americans die off in the middle after they all spunk over how awesome they are causing the largest explosion in the history of awesomeness (created circa 1776 with the declaration of independence), actually no, they all die because there all retards and there trying to be heroic when instead there just stupid, and shagging a nuke, unlike the British. And now I’ve realised I’ve taken up way to much of this talking about random things instead of the multiplayer, so I’ll say, it was ok, better than the rest of the Call of Duty’s, however this still feels like a run down a long, dark tunnel with a bright light at the other end. In Layman’s terms, You Walk in, you walk out 10 days later no better off. Anyway, to wrap this up, at least the online is balanced, unlike the kill streaks on Modern Warfare 2 onwards, which punishes noobs for being noobs until they quit as it is less balanced than a man with one leg, on a Half Life see saw holding Jabba the Hutt.
4. Armed and Dangerous (2003)!
Dan: OK, this was never going to win any awards but this is an incredible game. Just like John's Beyond Good and Evil review, this game is criminally underrated. Wait a minute, you may say with your stupid hat on and your jeans half way down your arse (I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!), if Armed and Dangerous wouldn't win any awards then why is it on this list? The reason is simple: it's hilarious. It's the funniest game I've ever played in my life, by far. It makes Portal look like a Friedberg and Seltzer film. OK the gameplay is average and there isn't a huge variety of enemies but the story takes the piss out of itself in a way that makes me think "wow I love this game". I mean come on the Land-Shark gun? A gun that fires sharks that eat enemies from under the ground? And the World's Smallest Black Hole that is sort of self explanatory? These two things alone are so funny and awesome that Armed and Dangerous is an incredible game.
3. World Of Warcraft (2004)!
John: World of Warcraft, the soul sucking game which has probably ravaged the world more than a nuclear holocaust started by cats. It’s more addictive than a blended mix of heroin and cocaine seasoned with tobacco and being smoked by two naked lesbians who want a threesome, however, at one time this game would probably have been my favourite of all time. Yes it grinds more than a rock crusher with a chainsaw up its exhaust because for some reason it feels you haven’t had enough fun killing 9 of these fucking creatures already so you have to kill 1 more. It makes you feel like a serial killer working at a butchers. The whole game leaves your life about as beneficial as a polar bear in Afghanistan without a bomb. However, even though there are all these minor complaints, the game itself is actually more fun than a bath filled with money and laser weapons. They constantly add more content, and have made there more to do than in my actual life, which involves sitting on a chair writing these reviews for fuck knows who. They have steadily made it easier and the content more varied as updates are released. Especially now with Cataclysm, where they also introduce two new races, including Goblins which are basically just gnomes spray painted green and genetically modified to have big ears. They get to start off driving about in a theme park created by some engineer on crack, while the other new race are the Worgen, which seem to be populated by chimney sweeps who love Twilight, so I’m surprised they haven’t got names such as Edward, Starshine or Winky Dick. All in all, I love this game, particularly now when I don’t need to collect 10 of everything and could probably blow up the sun instead. I don’t play it anymore though, so this makes me kind of hypocritical.
Dan: The biggest problem I have with WoW is the stereotypes everyone associates with it. This guy plays WoW? WOW WHAT A LOSER HAHA! Isn't WoW that game that's killed LOADS of people? etc. etc. The actual game is spectacular, but the stereotypes have been forced into my skull so often by everyone (except the people who play WoW funnily enough) I always feel guilty when playing. Since John has pretty much said exactly what I feel about this game, the bastard, I'll just have a laugh at the controversies attached to it. WoW is a diamond for all the stupid fucking video game hating twats as it can be so addictive it has killed quite a few people. Now while they pretend to be outraged by this, I try to stop myself pissing with laughter, I mean come on, anyone who plays WoW that much must have a daily routine of: Play WoW, change adult nappy, grope to the side for peanuts, play Wow, pass out from exhaustion, come around, play WoW. Anyone who lives like that deserves to die. As you can probably tell by now, I'm struggling for things to say, so I'll rap it up here and move on to my favourite game of all time (but not the game of the decade).
2. Halo: Combat Evolved! (2001)
John: Oh god, why is this game here, if it deserves to be on this list at all, it should only be about 10th, but if Dan wants it here, then we'll just have to leave it.
Dan: Words cannot describe how I feel about this game. To come even close I'd need to be mid-orgasm at the time, and since that can't happen right now, I'll just talk about different parts. The game's story is extremely original and compelling, but you will probably never hear this from anyone else except me, because... well because its the same storyline that was in Halo 3, Halo 3: ODST and Halo: Reach used it. Halo: Combat Evolved was the first and best Halo game, breathtaking gameplay for its time, wah wah the graphics were shit WELL GRAPHICS DON'T FUCKING MATTER DO THEY!?! A few minor complaints include the sometimes crap weapons, like the needler, that looks so badass at first its ass must have been sent to jail fifty times and had an ass the size of Jupiter, the needler turns out to sound like a anxious nerd trying to ask a giant wrestler where the Warhammer models are and does about as much damage as flicking peas at the enemy. To finish off, everything in the game blends together perfectly, the vehicle sections, the story, the enemies, the different environments, they all combine together to create something that became my favourite game ever. However, even though it is my favourite game, that does NOT mean it is the best game of the decade, as that is what follows:
1. Half-Life 2!
John: Half Life 2, ah Half life 2, one of the true loves in my life, like an American and Cheeseburgers. It is easily the greatest game of the last decade and perhaps all time. So Half Life 2 and just talking about it turns me into a gibbering husk bla blue de dah. YOU MONSTERS, YOU’VE JUST MADE ME BRAIN DEA... oh I’m fine. So, the graphics have aged extremely well, like an old woman addicted to Botox and still feel like they could stand up with most modern games artistically. The game is extremely fun to play through still, with its variation of enemies and puzzles, which aren’t too hard but also don’t treat you like a retard that is using his dunce cap instead of his gun. The storyline also still feels as new as a dog which can breathe fire from his mouth, and as crisp to. It is easily the best I’ve ever played in any game, especially compared to the “realistic” shooters of modern times, which consist of Bang Bang, Shoot Shoot NOW LOOK AT OUR MULTIPLAYER. It really dragged me into the story, except Gordon Freeman’s muteness, they could have offered to wax his chest as he flew into the sun and they would still have seen it as him agreeing. Perhaps he has a large palette of facial expressions. Even the best game has some faults though, such as the endless use of Headcrabs, yes we get it guys there the most popular alien WE DON’T NEED THEM CONSTANTLY. It’s like the design meeting of some level consisted of “How could we improve this level, oh I know, put another headcrab round this corner because that's never been done before.” They also use Seesaw puzzles every few seconds as well; I’ve completed more see saws than a playground planner. However it still comes through these faults and is the best game of the decade. Plus Antlions, antlions are cool. It makes me feel like Napoleon.... if he had access to aliens. Napoleon would have won with Antlions.
Dan: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG MUM GET ME A TOWEL...! I love this game. I love it. The pacing is incredible, I think it has the best pacing I've ever seen in a game, the opening levels bring you into the story and gradually build up, leaving you wanting more even after that fucking Ravenholm level. Anyway the climax of the game is breathtakingly brilliant, thanks to the pacing that leaves it easily the best part of the game. In a lot of ways, Half Life 2 is like sexual intercourse. It starts off slow and feels good, but then gets faster and faster and better and better until it climaxes, and seminal fluid sprays everywhere. Well the analogy broke down there but you get the general gist of it. As for bad points, I guess you could say the Ravenholm level, but deep down I actually see how that is pretty good level, it mixes up the normal gameplay considerably. Sure it's unbelievably annoying when a zombie pushes you off a ledge you spent half an hour getting to but... well I'm not sure where I'm going with this. The major annoyance in the game are the FUCKING loading screens. They come everytime there's a lull in the game where nothing is really going on and make it so everything stops suddenly, not very good in immersion terms. What's worse is they last for about 15 seconds, which isn't as bad as some PS3 games but is bad enough to make me cry out with frustration by the end of it. These however are tolerable compared to the epicness of the majesty of the brilliance of the... you know what who cares what I think GET THIS GAME RIGHT NOW! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW N...
A little note from John at the end
This list is almost sure to send any Deus ex fan into a huge rage over why their favourite game ever is not on this list. I feel your pain, I loved that game (not as good as Half Life 2, but loved it)and honestly I don't know why it is not on the list, so we'll say that it just didn't come under the specified time frame (even though it just did.)
Sunday, 11 September 2011
9/11 Tribute and Rememberance
R.I.P to all those that died in died 10 years ago in the Twin Towers, the Pentagon and on United Airlines Flight 93, as well as the heroes who died after, the Firemen, and the ambulance workers. The most horrific event of the 21st century, and we British will stand by our Brothers in Arms the USA, to remember all those dead, and may the Union Flag and the Star Spangled Banner fly forever, defiant to all those who wish to massacre our countrymen. Today we are all American. “We will always remember. We will always be proud. We will always be prepared, so we may always be free.”- Ronald Reagen
Wednesday, 31 August 2011
Diary Of Pordit Bronzebeard: The Final Chapter.
(Originlly on Dan's blog here)
August 14th:
Jonith and I finished in Northern Stranglethorn and by then I had grown restless. I couldn't stand waiting around training for the final fight with that traitor Magni, so Jonith and I agreed to go to Darnassus to get the Night Elves' help. We were both NOT looking forward to this, as I hate Night Elves (bloody tree huggers) and the Gilnean/Worgen refugees live in Darnassus.
We had a lovely drink in Booty Bay, God how I missed a good pint of stout. Had a good chat with a Warlock in there, talked things over with him about me regaining my crown and what he was up to in the Vale. Finally Jonith said the ship was here so I said bye to the Warlock and managed to urge Betsy into a running jump to get on the bloody ship.
It was an overnight voyage to Ratchet, so Jonith and I slept on a couple of hammocks next to a couple of idiot sailers. Fell asleep quickly though.
August 15th:
Got woken up early by the cry of "Land ho!". That's become such a bloody cliche, they can't resist booming that one out. Jonith and I were happy to get off that tub, and into the port of Ratchet.
Ratchet is alright, not really keen on Goblins, prefer Gnomes really. But the Steamwheedle lot are alright, they sold us stuff and repaired my equipment. Gloin (my pet bear from Dun Morogh) followed Jonith and I all the way across the continent, I couldn't bring myself to abandon him.
The trip across the Barrens was brilliant. I was hoping to run into a few Horde scouts so I could kill them in cold blood, and I wasn't disappointed. Got to a little camp where a few orcs were offering services. One had his face clawed to a bloody pulp, another has a sword-shaped hole in his midriff and the last has an arrow in the back of his head. The gutless little bitch tried running and screaming in Orcish, so I shot him. It was fun. Haven't killed a Horde in ages.
Rode across the Barrens. Even though it's been cut in half the trek is still as boring as hell. With the odd Orc wandering about it was tolerable, it was still crap though.
Reached the Ashenvale border and made camp near there. Had lot's of sand in my armour, so it was an uncomfortable night.
August 16th:
Woke up rather peacefully, if a little early. Nipped off for a piss while Jonith was still asleep, almost got some on my shoes when I saw the state of Ashenvale. About half of it has been cut down, and the other half is in THE PROCESS of being cut down. Now I'm all for industrialisation but come ON. I'm all for the Night Elves here.
Jonith woke up and we carried on. Jonith noticed the tree thing too, but by that time I had gotten used to it so I didn't listen to him. Was brought back to my senses however when we reached Astranaar. There were Horde pilots riding those bat things all around, throwing down fire or something. Jonith and I were angry, but didn't want to linger long.
Moved on to Darkshore, but not before being confronted by a clearing in Ashenvale that was on fire. Didn't really understand why, but I couldn't be arsed fighting the fire lord thing. Don't think it was Ragnaros somehow.
By this point I was tired and pissed off, but we had reached Darkshore and had another couple of hours' ride until Auberdine and the ship to Darnassus. Reached Auberdine though, and found it completely destroyed by that bloody Deathwing. I'm getting bloody sick of this Cataclysm, it may have helped my escape from prison but its bloody annoying otherwise.
Took a hyppogryph from Darkshore to Darnassus. I still hate that bloody city, what's the point in building a city in a tree, just burn the tree down. That's why Ironforge is great, I'd love to see the Horde burn down a mountain!
It was late, so Jonith and I got rooms in the inn after listening to a load of Night Elf kodo-shit. Fell asleep quickly.
August 17th:
Jonith woke me up early to say he was going to see the Gilnean refugees. I thought this a bad idea as I knew he'd spit on them or something (he hates worgen). He insisted that he go before we see Whisperwind, so I reluctantly went with the stubborn bastard, haha. I was right, he spat on the first Worgen he saw. We were lucky we weren't ripped apart.
He changed his mind on Worgen when he saw his sister though (fine looking too). He had a lengthy chat with her, talking things over about his family (Light have mercy), I couldn't listen that much, his sister was VERY good looking, haha.
Something changed in Jonith then, he no longer hated Worgen. In fact he was hell-bent on becoming one! Pah! I think if you'd willingly take the Worgen curse you SHOULD be thrown back in the Stockade. No that's awful I can't think like that. He saved me after all.
He was telling me about how he could help the Gilneas Liberation Front in... liberating Gilneas I guess. I couldn't be bothered telling him how crazy he was so I just said "let's see Whisperwind first."
August 14th:
Jonith and I finished in Northern Stranglethorn and by then I had grown restless. I couldn't stand waiting around training for the final fight with that traitor Magni, so Jonith and I agreed to go to Darnassus to get the Night Elves' help. We were both NOT looking forward to this, as I hate Night Elves (bloody tree huggers) and the Gilnean/Worgen refugees live in Darnassus.
We had a lovely drink in Booty Bay, God how I missed a good pint of stout. Had a good chat with a Warlock in there, talked things over with him about me regaining my crown and what he was up to in the Vale. Finally Jonith said the ship was here so I said bye to the Warlock and managed to urge Betsy into a running jump to get on the bloody ship.
It was an overnight voyage to Ratchet, so Jonith and I slept on a couple of hammocks next to a couple of idiot sailers. Fell asleep quickly though.
August 15th:
Got woken up early by the cry of "Land ho!". That's become such a bloody cliche, they can't resist booming that one out. Jonith and I were happy to get off that tub, and into the port of Ratchet.
Ratchet is alright, not really keen on Goblins, prefer Gnomes really. But the Steamwheedle lot are alright, they sold us stuff and repaired my equipment. Gloin (my pet bear from Dun Morogh) followed Jonith and I all the way across the continent, I couldn't bring myself to abandon him.
The trip across the Barrens was brilliant. I was hoping to run into a few Horde scouts so I could kill them in cold blood, and I wasn't disappointed. Got to a little camp where a few orcs were offering services. One had his face clawed to a bloody pulp, another has a sword-shaped hole in his midriff and the last has an arrow in the back of his head. The gutless little bitch tried running and screaming in Orcish, so I shot him. It was fun. Haven't killed a Horde in ages.
Rode across the Barrens. Even though it's been cut in half the trek is still as boring as hell. With the odd Orc wandering about it was tolerable, it was still crap though.
Reached the Ashenvale border and made camp near there. Had lot's of sand in my armour, so it was an uncomfortable night.
August 16th:
Woke up rather peacefully, if a little early. Nipped off for a piss while Jonith was still asleep, almost got some on my shoes when I saw the state of Ashenvale. About half of it has been cut down, and the other half is in THE PROCESS of being cut down. Now I'm all for industrialisation but come ON. I'm all for the Night Elves here.
Jonith woke up and we carried on. Jonith noticed the tree thing too, but by that time I had gotten used to it so I didn't listen to him. Was brought back to my senses however when we reached Astranaar. There were Horde pilots riding those bat things all around, throwing down fire or something. Jonith and I were angry, but didn't want to linger long.
Moved on to Darkshore, but not before being confronted by a clearing in Ashenvale that was on fire. Didn't really understand why, but I couldn't be arsed fighting the fire lord thing. Don't think it was Ragnaros somehow.
By this point I was tired and pissed off, but we had reached Darkshore and had another couple of hours' ride until Auberdine and the ship to Darnassus. Reached Auberdine though, and found it completely destroyed by that bloody Deathwing. I'm getting bloody sick of this Cataclysm, it may have helped my escape from prison but its bloody annoying otherwise.
Took a hyppogryph from Darkshore to Darnassus. I still hate that bloody city, what's the point in building a city in a tree, just burn the tree down. That's why Ironforge is great, I'd love to see the Horde burn down a mountain!
It was late, so Jonith and I got rooms in the inn after listening to a load of Night Elf kodo-shit. Fell asleep quickly.
August 17th:
Jonith woke me up early to say he was going to see the Gilnean refugees. I thought this a bad idea as I knew he'd spit on them or something (he hates worgen). He insisted that he go before we see Whisperwind, so I reluctantly went with the stubborn bastard, haha. I was right, he spat on the first Worgen he saw. We were lucky we weren't ripped apart.
He changed his mind on Worgen when he saw his sister though (fine looking too). He had a lengthy chat with her, talking things over about his family (Light have mercy), I couldn't listen that much, his sister was VERY good looking, haha.
Something changed in Jonith then, he no longer hated Worgen. In fact he was hell-bent on becoming one! Pah! I think if you'd willingly take the Worgen curse you SHOULD be thrown back in the Stockade. No that's awful I can't think like that. He saved me after all.
He was telling me about how he could help the Gilneas Liberation Front in... liberating Gilneas I guess. I couldn't be bothered telling him how crazy he was so I just said "let's see Whisperwind first."
The Diaries of Jonith of Gilneas: An Ending
August 14th
This morning Pordit started shaking my shoulders to wake me up. I knew something was the matter, when he explained that he could no longer let the traitor king Magni rule over his people and decided to screw the training and go fight him already.
This involved going to Darnassus first, not that I wanted to go, the flea ridden Worgen had made up their home underneath the tree (I thought it was more likely they’d piss on it), but we set off to Booty Bay anyway to get out boat. My anger grew in the Vale though, after an argument with Pordit over honour and I nearly in fact left him to die on his own but I eventually let my anger go and we carried on.
I don’t like Booty Bay, the biggest hive of scum and villainy in the whole of Azeroth, and I was glad we were leaving soon, so after getting supplies ready, and a hurried run to the boat, we were finally on our way. The trip was at night so we fell asleep on some hammocks next to a pair of annoying sailors.
August 15th
We were awoken this morning, by shouting from the captain that we were coming into port. Ratchet. I hate Goblins, they would sell us out to the Horde if there was profit in it, but suppose it’s good to see some mildly friendly faces before we set out into the wilderness, especially as our equipment needed repairing.
Riding across the Barrens was boring as hell, and I nearly fell off my horse as I was falling to sleep. Pordit’s call of “Horde ahead” brought me back to my senses. I could see him grinning with glee as we dismounted and sneaked behind a couple of nearby boulders. We both have a hatred of the Horde so when we left the camp, a few of the orcs had been cleaved in 2, others have arrows sticking out of them like pin cushions. Hate to say it, but it was entertaining.
The rest of the journey was awful, only livened up by the killing of Horde. By the time we had made camp at the Ashenvale border, my arse hurt more than how much Pordit’s probably hurt in prison after the Defias had finished with him. The night was long and uncomfortable, as we were always wary of the Horde cutting our throats while we slept.
August 16th
Pordit was already up by the time I did, and after looking round my mouth opened shocked. Ashenvale had become one huge logging camp. Damn you Garrosh and your Horde. The mystical beauty of Ashenvale was quickly adding to the dead plains of the Barrens.
We carried on after we had collected our belongings, being careful to stay away from any Orc patrols on the road. Pordit didn’t seem to care though, must have been a bad night’s sleep for him as he constantly looked like he was about to fall asleep. That was until we saw the sight of Astranaar.
Horde scum circled overhead on their winged beasts, which look like the spawn of a Demon (it will never beat a good old Gryphon.) Most of the buildings were on fire, after seeming being bombed, leaving me and Pordit angry, we felt it was better not to stay though, and set off to Darkshore, but not before seeing a large clearing in the forest, burning in an orange blaze. A large Fire elemental laughed manically at the dying creature below as we rode past, but we were powerless to stop him.
Pordit looked fed up now, angry and also bored at everything we had seen. The tiredness was reaching me as well. We may have entered Darkshore, but it was still hours until Auberdine and a chance to relax on the boat. When reaching Auberdine we were horrified by what we saw though. The entire town destroyed and sinking into the waves. I heard Pordit cursing at Deathwing.
Another small town had been built further north, from which we got a Hyppogryth to Darnassuss. It is the worst designed city ever built, but at least it looks nice. Pordit hates it, give him a mountain any day.
When we arrived it was late, so Pordit booked us in a night at the Inn. I was tired so fell asleep very quickly.
August 17th
I woke up Pordit early this morning. I had some important business to deal with in the Worgen “district”, and rightly so Pordit was dubious about what I was planning to do. He was lecturing me all the way there about how I shouldn’t do anything stupid like spit on them. I didn’t see any point in listening to him defend the flea ridden beasts anyway, so the first thing I did was spit on one. Luckily for us we were not ripped apart.
It was then, though, that I saw somebody who would change my mind about my feeling on the worgen. Praise the light, my sister had survived the attacks on Gilneas, I had family still living. I had to slap Pordit a few times to make him snap out of it, after he had started making sexist jokes to her, (damn Dwarves) but she eventually explained that the rest of my family were still living, fighting off the Forsaken as members of the Gilneas Liberation Front. It was then the views that I had been harbouring for most my life changed, perhaps a Worgen could be honourable then. I had to say bye to my sister though then, as Pordit the impatient git wanted to go see Tyrande and Malfurion.
It was on the long journey that I brought up the fact that perhaps I could become a Worgen too, and help my family take back our lands, Pordit constantly scoffed at the idea in a joking way, but I could tell in his voice that the idea disgusted and scared him. I decided it would be best not to talk about it for the time being, as eventually one of us would let our temper come out.
When we first got to Malfurion, my heart was in my mouth and I was nervous as at first he threatened Pordit, however it soon dropped again as I saw Malfurion hug Pordit as if they weere long lost brothers. The explained how they had saved each other’s lives multiple times in the Third War, and then he went on to say that he knew of Magni’s treachery. He couldn’t help us though as the fate of the world was at stake in Hyjal, but he did offer us any services we would like in Darnassus.
I thanked him for this, but Pordit became angry, until I explained how much the battle for Hyjal meant to the world over a drink of Stout in the Inn. It was then we agreed to go to Lordaeron and get the help of the Argent Crusade.
We couldn’t think of a way to get their though, that was until Pordit suggested a stupid idea. Sneak through Orgrimmar to get the zeppelin to the Undercity. Was he mad or just stupid? It was only when he explained the alternative, It would involve travelling through Khaz Modan, where security had been tightened, and everybody was searching for Pordit. So I reluctantly accepted, we would probably die no matter what, Pordit didn’t like my attitude and told me to drink another beer.
The Night Elves allowed us to borrow two Hypogryphs to fly us to Azshara and the back gate of Orgrimmar. This was it, no turning back now. We silently took down to travelling horde members and put on their hoods. We looked like we were doing a ridiculous Orc impression. The sneaking through the city went surprisingly well though, until we took lift up to the Zeppelin docks, where a Guard recognised us. We did all we could.... Ran. The whole of Orgrimmar was closing down on us as we dived off the tower onto the back of the Zeppelin.
We went to sleep, but were always alert for the 2 guards who were on the upper deck.
August 18th
We arrived in Lordaeron early that morning and Pordit rightly decided it would be better to jump off of the Zeppelin rather than fly into the middle of Undead lands. Landed in a bush though, so instead of it being fatal, we just hurt ourselves a little.
I couldn’t recognise Lordaeron at first. When I was last here it was lush and green, it was beautiful. Now it’s a land of darkness and shadow. The Forsaken are just as bad as their scourge counterparts, the murdering, unmoral bastards.
We avoided the roads as much as possible, but it was then Pordit told me he wanted to venture into the Ruins of Lordaeron, to show his respects towards King Terenas, the last true king of Lordaeron, and a man, Pordit explained, who was like a father to him.
We thought it would be a problem getting in to see his grave, as it was directly above the Forsaken capital, and I was way all the way. We luckily managed to pray without a disturbance, and received his blessing. We then saddled our mounts and rode southward, first to Gilneas, and then onwards to resupply in Southshore.
It was a tense journey to Gilneas, the whole of Silverpine has been taken over by the Forsaken, and if it was not for the Gilneas Liberation Front driving them off, we would not have survived. We eventually sighed in relief as we slipped through the ruined gate of the Greymane Wall.
We followed the ruined road all the way to Gilneas City, and it was quite obvious the beautiful city had experienced quite a few battles. Bodies littered the cobbled streets, along with remnants of what was a Forsaken army. I was glad we didn’t see any remaining there though, they didn’t deserve to inhabit this city.
We soon saw why there were non remaining though, 7th Legion has set up base in the city. Glad to see the Alliance has sent the best of the best to help us. We then went into the cathedral to get a blessing and pray for a safe journey. I wonder if the god’s believed what we didn’t?
After that we went to the cemetery, the place that... that my ancestors were buried.
As I passed along the graves, placing flowers, I knelt down in front of the large memorial to them all, and broke down crying. Pordit placed his hand on my shoulder, but I knew he was deep in thought.
We rode to an abandoned Gilnean house, and slept there for the night.
August 19th
We rode out of Gilneas at first light, no longer wishing to stay. We rode out of Silverpine, through the newly built Horde gate. Undeath could be smelt everywhere, and most of the old human settlements had been destroyed, and turned into so called “human farms”, they are crimes against all living beings.
S
outhshore, as I could remember it was a beautiful town, full of nice residents and beautiful scenery. We were looking forward for a few days rest before moving on. The sight we were greeted with shocked us to our core though.
The whole place had been decimated by the Forsaken’s plague, which covered the once pleasant town, now occupied by various vile oozes. Pordit numerous times, punched the wall in anger as we passed through. The Forsaken, the monsters,
we both vowed we would lay siege to the Undercity with the armies of the Alliance!
We made our way through the town, to the Inn, which had been undamaged inside. We looked around for supplies, but all we could find was the last few drops in the beer kegs. Together we raised a toast to the Alliance, before drinking the last drops of the world famous Southshore beer.
We swiftly left the ex-town, heading north up through the ruins of Alterac, which had been inhabited by Ogres since the treason of the kingdom. We killed a few before heading through Stahnbrad, now occupied by some vile cultists.
At the Alterac border we made camp and went to sleep. You would have to be an idiot to actually sleep in the Plaguelands, but perhaps soon we would be that idiot.
August 20th
We headed off to Chillwind camp early in the morning, Pordit barely talked on the journey, as cold winds chilled me to the bone. He appeared to be deep in thought all the way there, and god knows what he was actually thinking about.
We arrived at the camp hoping for the help of the Argent Crusade, but before we could they gave us the task of securing Andorhal. We were taking it back FOR THE ALLIANCE!
We journeyed up the path to the Alliance base camp in Andorhal, and quickly reported to the commander there, a free Death Knight named Thassarian, who we needed to help capture this city, his first task before dealing with the Forsaken, was to kill a Lich named Araj the Forsaken.
So now we’re here, hiding in the shadows of a crumbled building, jumping at shadows and hunting the dead, waiting for him. Pordit can barely contain his glee that we get to kill scourge, but me, I’m more wary, and his over confidence could get us both killed.
Wait, I think I heard rustling. He’s drawing near now, so if anybody is to find this diary if I am to die, then please take it to my sister in Darnassus.
FOR GILNEAS.
(The Diary is soggy, after dropping to the wet ground, and blood splatters the pages)
This morning Pordit started shaking my shoulders to wake me up. I knew something was the matter, when he explained that he could no longer let the traitor king Magni rule over his people and decided to screw the training and go fight him already.
This involved going to Darnassus first, not that I wanted to go, the flea ridden Worgen had made up their home underneath the tree (I thought it was more likely they’d piss on it), but we set off to Booty Bay anyway to get out boat. My anger grew in the Vale though, after an argument with Pordit over honour and I nearly in fact left him to die on his own but I eventually let my anger go and we carried on.
I don’t like Booty Bay, the biggest hive of scum and villainy in the whole of Azeroth, and I was glad we were leaving soon, so after getting supplies ready, and a hurried run to the boat, we were finally on our way. The trip was at night so we fell asleep on some hammocks next to a pair of annoying sailors.
August 15th
We were awoken this morning, by shouting from the captain that we were coming into port. Ratchet. I hate Goblins, they would sell us out to the Horde if there was profit in it, but suppose it’s good to see some mildly friendly faces before we set out into the wilderness, especially as our equipment needed repairing.
Riding across the Barrens was boring as hell, and I nearly fell off my horse as I was falling to sleep. Pordit’s call of “Horde ahead” brought me back to my senses. I could see him grinning with glee as we dismounted and sneaked behind a couple of nearby boulders. We both have a hatred of the Horde so when we left the camp, a few of the orcs had been cleaved in 2, others have arrows sticking out of them like pin cushions. Hate to say it, but it was entertaining.
The rest of the journey was awful, only livened up by the killing of Horde. By the time we had made camp at the Ashenvale border, my arse hurt more than how much Pordit’s probably hurt in prison after the Defias had finished with him. The night was long and uncomfortable, as we were always wary of the Horde cutting our throats while we slept.
August 16th
Pordit was already up by the time I did, and after looking round my mouth opened shocked. Ashenvale had become one huge logging camp. Damn you Garrosh and your Horde. The mystical beauty of Ashenvale was quickly adding to the dead plains of the Barrens.
We carried on after we had collected our belongings, being careful to stay away from any Orc patrols on the road. Pordit didn’t seem to care though, must have been a bad night’s sleep for him as he constantly looked like he was about to fall asleep. That was until we saw the sight of Astranaar.
Horde scum circled overhead on their winged beasts, which look like the spawn of a Demon (it will never beat a good old Gryphon.) Most of the buildings were on fire, after seeming being bombed, leaving me and Pordit angry, we felt it was better not to stay though, and set off to Darkshore, but not before seeing a large clearing in the forest, burning in an orange blaze. A large Fire elemental laughed manically at the dying creature below as we rode past, but we were powerless to stop him.
Pordit looked fed up now, angry and also bored at everything we had seen. The tiredness was reaching me as well. We may have entered Darkshore, but it was still hours until Auberdine and a chance to relax on the boat. When reaching Auberdine we were horrified by what we saw though. The entire town destroyed and sinking into the waves. I heard Pordit cursing at Deathwing.
Another small town had been built further north, from which we got a Hyppogryth to Darnassuss. It is the worst designed city ever built, but at least it looks nice. Pordit hates it, give him a mountain any day.
When we arrived it was late, so Pordit booked us in a night at the Inn. I was tired so fell asleep very quickly.
August 17th
I woke up Pordit early this morning. I had some important business to deal with in the Worgen “district”, and rightly so Pordit was dubious about what I was planning to do. He was lecturing me all the way there about how I shouldn’t do anything stupid like spit on them. I didn’t see any point in listening to him defend the flea ridden beasts anyway, so the first thing I did was spit on one. Luckily for us we were not ripped apart.
It was then, though, that I saw somebody who would change my mind about my feeling on the worgen. Praise the light, my sister had survived the attacks on Gilneas, I had family still living. I had to slap Pordit a few times to make him snap out of it, after he had started making sexist jokes to her, (damn Dwarves) but she eventually explained that the rest of my family were still living, fighting off the Forsaken as members of the Gilneas Liberation Front. It was then the views that I had been harbouring for most my life changed, perhaps a Worgen could be honourable then. I had to say bye to my sister though then, as Pordit the impatient git wanted to go see Tyrande and Malfurion.
It was on the long journey that I brought up the fact that perhaps I could become a Worgen too, and help my family take back our lands, Pordit constantly scoffed at the idea in a joking way, but I could tell in his voice that the idea disgusted and scared him. I decided it would be best not to talk about it for the time being, as eventually one of us would let our temper come out.
When we first got to Malfurion, my heart was in my mouth and I was nervous as at first he threatened Pordit, however it soon dropped again as I saw Malfurion hug Pordit as if they weere long lost brothers. The explained how they had saved each other’s lives multiple times in the Third War, and then he went on to say that he knew of Magni’s treachery. He couldn’t help us though as the fate of the world was at stake in Hyjal, but he did offer us any services we would like in Darnassus.
I thanked him for this, but Pordit became angry, until I explained how much the battle for Hyjal meant to the world over a drink of Stout in the Inn. It was then we agreed to go to Lordaeron and get the help of the Argent Crusade.
We couldn’t think of a way to get their though, that was until Pordit suggested a stupid idea. Sneak through Orgrimmar to get the zeppelin to the Undercity. Was he mad or just stupid? It was only when he explained the alternative, It would involve travelling through Khaz Modan, where security had been tightened, and everybody was searching for Pordit. So I reluctantly accepted, we would probably die no matter what, Pordit didn’t like my attitude and told me to drink another beer.
The Night Elves allowed us to borrow two Hypogryphs to fly us to Azshara and the back gate of Orgrimmar. This was it, no turning back now. We silently took down to travelling horde members and put on their hoods. We looked like we were doing a ridiculous Orc impression. The sneaking through the city went surprisingly well though, until we took lift up to the Zeppelin docks, where a Guard recognised us. We did all we could.... Ran. The whole of Orgrimmar was closing down on us as we dived off the tower onto the back of the Zeppelin.
We went to sleep, but were always alert for the 2 guards who were on the upper deck.
August 18th
We arrived in Lordaeron early that morning and Pordit rightly decided it would be better to jump off of the Zeppelin rather than fly into the middle of Undead lands. Landed in a bush though, so instead of it being fatal, we just hurt ourselves a little.
I couldn’t recognise Lordaeron at first. When I was last here it was lush and green, it was beautiful. Now it’s a land of darkness and shadow. The Forsaken are just as bad as their scourge counterparts, the murdering, unmoral bastards.
We avoided the roads as much as possible, but it was then Pordit told me he wanted to venture into the Ruins of Lordaeron, to show his respects towards King Terenas, the last true king of Lordaeron, and a man, Pordit explained, who was like a father to him.
We thought it would be a problem getting in to see his grave, as it was directly above the Forsaken capital, and I was way all the way. We luckily managed to pray without a disturbance, and received his blessing. We then saddled our mounts and rode southward, first to Gilneas, and then onwards to resupply in Southshore.
It was a tense journey to Gilneas, the whole of Silverpine has been taken over by the Forsaken, and if it was not for the Gilneas Liberation Front driving them off, we would not have survived. We eventually sighed in relief as we slipped through the ruined gate of the Greymane Wall.
We followed the ruined road all the way to Gilneas City, and it was quite obvious the beautiful city had experienced quite a few battles. Bodies littered the cobbled streets, along with remnants of what was a Forsaken army. I was glad we didn’t see any remaining there though, they didn’t deserve to inhabit this city.
We soon saw why there were non remaining though, 7th Legion has set up base in the city. Glad to see the Alliance has sent the best of the best to help us. We then went into the cathedral to get a blessing and pray for a safe journey. I wonder if the god’s believed what we didn’t?
After that we went to the cemetery, the place that... that my ancestors were buried.
As I passed along the graves, placing flowers, I knelt down in front of the large memorial to them all, and broke down crying. Pordit placed his hand on my shoulder, but I knew he was deep in thought.
We rode to an abandoned Gilnean house, and slept there for the night.
August 19th
We rode out of Gilneas at first light, no longer wishing to stay. We rode out of Silverpine, through the newly built Horde gate. Undeath could be smelt everywhere, and most of the old human settlements had been destroyed, and turned into so called “human farms”, they are crimes against all living beings.
S
outhshore, as I could remember it was a beautiful town, full of nice residents and beautiful scenery. We were looking forward for a few days rest before moving on. The sight we were greeted with shocked us to our core though.
The whole place had been decimated by the Forsaken’s plague, which covered the once pleasant town, now occupied by various vile oozes. Pordit numerous times, punched the wall in anger as we passed through. The Forsaken, the monsters,
we both vowed we would lay siege to the Undercity with the armies of the Alliance!
We made our way through the town, to the Inn, which had been undamaged inside. We looked around for supplies, but all we could find was the last few drops in the beer kegs. Together we raised a toast to the Alliance, before drinking the last drops of the world famous Southshore beer.
We swiftly left the ex-town, heading north up through the ruins of Alterac, which had been inhabited by Ogres since the treason of the kingdom. We killed a few before heading through Stahnbrad, now occupied by some vile cultists.
At the Alterac border we made camp and went to sleep. You would have to be an idiot to actually sleep in the Plaguelands, but perhaps soon we would be that idiot.
August 20th
We headed off to Chillwind camp early in the morning, Pordit barely talked on the journey, as cold winds chilled me to the bone. He appeared to be deep in thought all the way there, and god knows what he was actually thinking about.
We arrived at the camp hoping for the help of the Argent Crusade, but before we could they gave us the task of securing Andorhal. We were taking it back FOR THE ALLIANCE!
We journeyed up the path to the Alliance base camp in Andorhal, and quickly reported to the commander there, a free Death Knight named Thassarian, who we needed to help capture this city, his first task before dealing with the Forsaken, was to kill a Lich named Araj the Forsaken.
So now we’re here, hiding in the shadows of a crumbled building, jumping at shadows and hunting the dead, waiting for him. Pordit can barely contain his glee that we get to kill scourge, but me, I’m more wary, and his over confidence could get us both killed.
Wait, I think I heard rustling. He’s drawing near now, so if anybody is to find this diary if I am to die, then please take it to my sister in Darnassus.
FOR GILNEAS.
(The Diary is soggy, after dropping to the wet ground, and blood splatters the pages)
Sunday, 14 August 2011
The Diaries of Jonith of Gilneas and Pordit Bronzebeard 4
Now with a Public Service Announcement, John Smith (the non RP bit) –Due to many different reasons, we have been unable to do our RP quest for the last few weeks, so the dates maybe more off than an ugly prostitute, now to carry on with the journey)
August 8th-11th
Jonith- The days have been long, difficult and caused extreme loss to the Alliance, and friendships. Let me tell you from the start.
After meeting Keeshan, we where tasked with freeing his comrades, we were getting Bravo Team back together. After we had rescued them, Keeshan agreed to join us, and we sailed across the lake, to set up our preparations against the orcs on the other side.
After setting up base camp, the first thing we discovered was that our Point of Contact, Brubaker, an SI:7 agent, had been killed, his body dishonourably hung up for the ravens. Damn them orcs, but even worse, they now knew we were coming, it was a race against time to get all supplies ready, camouflage, chloroform, and explosives.
After preparation, I, Pordit and Jorgensen of Bravo Team distracted the guards of the Orc camp and snuck in, covered in camouflage, knocking out any in our way, to free the many P.O.Ws the orcs had captured, the monsters. After the prisoners had been freed, and safely escaped the area, we planted bombs around the camp, before fleeing to Keeshan’s forward outpost and blowing into a crater the orcs and their dragons.
The next problem we had was the Grand Magus Doane and his army of Gnolls, who follow him around more than a pervert with a prostitute, or Pordit with a prostitute. After fighting our way through many Gnolls to get the key to Doane’s tower, we fought our way up and confronted him. Just before we could kill that slimy bastardised traitor though, he teleported away, mentioning something called Darkblaze.
Shit, I was woken up this morning to the sound of a tank being dropped off at our location by Troteman. Also hundreds of deadly orcs.... God I wish you could get a cup of tea anywhere other than Gilneas. Us and Bravo team got into the tank, while Keeshan manned the machine gun, as we massacred the orcs who were coming to meet us, before cutting a path through to Troteman’s camp, ready to meet the Orcs in one final battle.
The final showdown, a fight through the Orcs stronghold of Stonewatch keep before killing their leaders Gath’llzog and Tharil’zun. However all was not as it seemed, and as soon as We, and Bravo team tried to flee, the dragon Darkblaze, otherwise known as Doane. We fought him for what seemed like hours until... until the heartless fucking bastard killed the whole of Bravo Team except Keeshan....
THEY ALL DIED, THEY ALL FUCKING DIED (tear drops scatter the page), AND NON OF THEM WILL BE REMEMBERED. After the rest of his team had been murdered by the bastard, Keeshan... Keeshan sacrificed himself for the people of Lakeshire, and no one will ever know. We are the last surviving members of Bravo Team however, and they will live on with us. For the Alliance and for Bravo Team!
August 12th
Pordit-Keeshan's dead... The bravest man the Alliance has ever seen. Blink of an eye. Gone. His death affected me more than Jonith, I grew angry from my grief and seeing that he wasn't given a hero's funeral. I denounced the Alliance publicly to him, swearing that when I got my throne back my first action would be to leave the Alliance. The Dwarves are for the Dwarves; that was my new motto. Jonith was not impressed, declaring me a traitor. I was completely adamant that the Alliance is wrong, but when I woke up the other day I had an epiphany. I was wrong. Keeshan died for the Alliance, and so will I.
Arrived in Darkshire (Duskwood), that morning, and completed some jobs the locals had. Didn't want to stay long, Duskwood is creepier than a Worgen's vagina. Got a few jobs from "Abercrombie", a seemingly friendly hermit. Though why a hermit would want help from an outsider is pretty stupid. He asked for weirder and weirder stuff, finally "zombie juice". But after I gave him the juice Jonith and I left Duskwood, heading south. He didn't seem pleased. I had a bad feeling about him.
We're currently in Northern Stranglethorn, trying to take down Kurzen's men. Today Jonith accompinied me to New Tinkertown to seek support from High Tinker Mekkatorque. I hoped that one of my oldest friends would believe me. Ha! How wrong was I?! We took the tram, and sneaked through Ironforge as much as possible, spotting a few wanted posters for me. We got out and rode to Mekkatorque. Once there I beseeched him to help me get my throne again, but he wouldn't listen. He told me to leave and because of our old friendship would be willing to forget this conversation ever happened. I wouldn't leave, and tried desperately to convince him. He responded by sending his guards after me and Jonith. We escaped to Kharanos and flew back to Stormwind. Where we could finally rest after being persued for so long.
I have one final idea: I'm going to get the boat from Booty Bay to Ratchet, and ride across the Barrens to Darnassus. Once there I will beg for the help of Whisperwind. My hopes are not high. Jonith has said he is coming with me no matter what... We'll see what happens. Hopefully Whisperwind will bloody listen to me...
August 8th-11th
Jonith- The days have been long, difficult and caused extreme loss to the Alliance, and friendships. Let me tell you from the start.
After meeting Keeshan, we where tasked with freeing his comrades, we were getting Bravo Team back together. After we had rescued them, Keeshan agreed to join us, and we sailed across the lake, to set up our preparations against the orcs on the other side.
After setting up base camp, the first thing we discovered was that our Point of Contact, Brubaker, an SI:7 agent, had been killed, his body dishonourably hung up for the ravens. Damn them orcs, but even worse, they now knew we were coming, it was a race against time to get all supplies ready, camouflage, chloroform, and explosives.
After preparation, I, Pordit and Jorgensen of Bravo Team distracted the guards of the Orc camp and snuck in, covered in camouflage, knocking out any in our way, to free the many P.O.Ws the orcs had captured, the monsters. After the prisoners had been freed, and safely escaped the area, we planted bombs around the camp, before fleeing to Keeshan’s forward outpost and blowing into a crater the orcs and their dragons.
The next problem we had was the Grand Magus Doane and his army of Gnolls, who follow him around more than a pervert with a prostitute, or Pordit with a prostitute. After fighting our way through many Gnolls to get the key to Doane’s tower, we fought our way up and confronted him. Just before we could kill that slimy bastardised traitor though, he teleported away, mentioning something called Darkblaze.
Shit, I was woken up this morning to the sound of a tank being dropped off at our location by Troteman. Also hundreds of deadly orcs.... God I wish you could get a cup of tea anywhere other than Gilneas. Us and Bravo team got into the tank, while Keeshan manned the machine gun, as we massacred the orcs who were coming to meet us, before cutting a path through to Troteman’s camp, ready to meet the Orcs in one final battle.
The final showdown, a fight through the Orcs stronghold of Stonewatch keep before killing their leaders Gath’llzog and Tharil’zun. However all was not as it seemed, and as soon as We, and Bravo team tried to flee, the dragon Darkblaze, otherwise known as Doane. We fought him for what seemed like hours until... until the heartless fucking bastard killed the whole of Bravo Team except Keeshan....
THEY ALL DIED, THEY ALL FUCKING DIED (tear drops scatter the page), AND NON OF THEM WILL BE REMEMBERED. After the rest of his team had been murdered by the bastard, Keeshan... Keeshan sacrificed himself for the people of Lakeshire, and no one will ever know. We are the last surviving members of Bravo Team however, and they will live on with us. For the Alliance and for Bravo Team!
August 12th
Pordit-Keeshan's dead... The bravest man the Alliance has ever seen. Blink of an eye. Gone. His death affected me more than Jonith, I grew angry from my grief and seeing that he wasn't given a hero's funeral. I denounced the Alliance publicly to him, swearing that when I got my throne back my first action would be to leave the Alliance. The Dwarves are for the Dwarves; that was my new motto. Jonith was not impressed, declaring me a traitor. I was completely adamant that the Alliance is wrong, but when I woke up the other day I had an epiphany. I was wrong. Keeshan died for the Alliance, and so will I.
Arrived in Darkshire (Duskwood), that morning, and completed some jobs the locals had. Didn't want to stay long, Duskwood is creepier than a Worgen's vagina. Got a few jobs from "Abercrombie", a seemingly friendly hermit. Though why a hermit would want help from an outsider is pretty stupid. He asked for weirder and weirder stuff, finally "zombie juice". But after I gave him the juice Jonith and I left Duskwood, heading south. He didn't seem pleased. I had a bad feeling about him.
We're currently in Northern Stranglethorn, trying to take down Kurzen's men. Today Jonith accompinied me to New Tinkertown to seek support from High Tinker Mekkatorque. I hoped that one of my oldest friends would believe me. Ha! How wrong was I?! We took the tram, and sneaked through Ironforge as much as possible, spotting a few wanted posters for me. We got out and rode to Mekkatorque. Once there I beseeched him to help me get my throne again, but he wouldn't listen. He told me to leave and because of our old friendship would be willing to forget this conversation ever happened. I wouldn't leave, and tried desperately to convince him. He responded by sending his guards after me and Jonith. We escaped to Kharanos and flew back to Stormwind. Where we could finally rest after being persued for so long.
I have one final idea: I'm going to get the boat from Booty Bay to Ratchet, and ride across the Barrens to Darnassus. Once there I will beg for the help of Whisperwind. My hopes are not high. Jonith has said he is coming with me no matter what... We'll see what happens. Hopefully Whisperwind will bloody listen to me...
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