The Beyond Stupid Halloween Scare’athon (Inc. Costume Quest Rant + 2 Videos)

Jooseman: Hello and welcome to mine, Jooseman, and the Rofling Officer annual scare’athon (that is what I will call it, and don’t even complain about false advertising) for this year’s Halloween, even though Halloween is about as exciting to me as eating burnt toast. I get scared way too easily to even celebrate Halloween by doing anything of note, hell I got scared by My Little Pony, no Mr Unicorn, don’t shove your horn there... Ahem, where was I? Ah yes, so this year we both decided to do our own thing, with him playing two games and recording them, including SCP Containment Breach, and me playing and writing a rant about the Tim Schafer game, Costume Quest, because I backed out. Now sit down with your nice mug of cocoa around the fire while watching Simpsons, Treehouse of Horror episodes and read this. Unless you take inspiration from Jimmy Savile, in which case, sit by the, door, watching and waiting. (Topical Jokes, I’ll be here until Monday)

Costume Quest

Jooseman: Costume Quest is essentially a Halloween Trick or Treat, Role Playing Game made by Tim Schafer, who made games that would make even the most amateur point and click fan have to change his pants because they are so wet with Semen. Not me, however, because I have a hatred for point and click in general, and was pretty happy to find this wasn’t such a game. In this game you have to select a child (Insert Jimmy Savile joke here again) and then you go around Trick or Treating with them until your sibling gets kidnapped by a guy who looks like Mr Toad got fucked by an Orc. You then set off on a mission to get him back, collecting other costumes to fight in along the way, like a really bad fashion designer.

And now onto the combat, which feels about as satisfying as masturbating with sandpaper, except not as painful. It is your standard, Turn Based RPG affair, like Final Fantasy and the like, which I find really annoying, and harder to get right than recreating the Sistine Chapel with cheese. It involves quickly pressing buttons which I apparently lack the skill to do properly and constantly get it wrong because of this. Now to bring it back to the costumes, each costume has different powers in combat, as well as different powers to move around, such as the first Robot suit, being able to Roller-skate, which sounds like an amazing power, up there with being able to massage a cat.
Anyway, the art style now, which is ridiculously nice. It all has a nice, cartoon feel to it, which is actually a style I enjoy in games, including things such as World of Warcraft. You don’t need amazing graphics in order for the developers to get off at night, all you need is something as nice looking as this. Anyway, this has suddenly got too nice again, so fuck shit balls cunt burger. Still would rather play this than any of the horror games people like to play at Halloween.
And now, that is my short Halloween Rant over. Now for something completely different, here is a dog riding a Unicycle (Imagine it yourself, you uncreative fucks)

Rofling Officer

 

 

War of the Roses Joint Rant

Rofling Officer: Hello there, internet delinquents! And welcome back to another joint review/rant by me, the Rofling Officer, your Messiah and Saviour, and Jooseman Jonith Huckelberry III esq., some random douche I found wandering the streets. Over a four hour period our partnership blossomed, and well here we are once again to review a game. This time: War of the Roses, a medieval combat multiplayer game that we have both played for a while now. We were going to do a comparison with Chivalry, but that was binned (neither of us own it and I never even mentioned it to him). So to start us off, here is Jooseman:

Jooseman: Ah yes, Chivalry that game that we are a absolutely qualified to compare and contrast War of the Roses to. See, I even have a faked degree from some school (degree not attached.) So, War of the Roses, a game I have been waiting a long time for. It felt like it took so long to come out, I may as well have invented a time machine and gone to get it. As a proud bloody northerner, the game spoke to me, like a dildo may speak to a sexually unsatisfied whore, and I felt the need to buy it.
The basic premise is obviously that it's set in the War of the Roses, which is like questioning when a game called 1776, America's Year of Asskicking Awesomness is set. It is a multiplayer game with a twist, that every man, woman, dog and snowman (latter 3 may be included in DLC never) have swords, bows, arrows and the like, as you play as either Yorkshire or Lancashire, in the War of the Bad Accents.

RO: Well thank you for that Jooseman, very informative about nothing at all. You should run for office. Anyway, the game feels much like Battlefield or Call of Duty, but implanted in medieval times. For example there is an enormous amount of customisation (but not for your character bizarrely, when I saw the guy who look like he had a lobotomy with a garden shovel I instantly thought: all my men will look like that, so it’s the Army of Dumbasses), you can change your arrow type, armour type, sword sharpness, fighting style, what finger you pick your nose with, whether you have sticky keys on or off or whether you use Mac or Windows (Windows). The great thing about the War of the Roses is the sheer amount of stuff to buy, all sorts of armours and weapons and horses, and there is a fair few maps too. While this does add to the longevity of the game, it’s too little too late as the game is more barren than a woman living in the desert with no uterus who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. There are a measly TWO game modes, and both are nothing new. Team Deathmatch is always welcome in these games, and it’s certainly very enjoyable, but as for Conquest… What a pile of shite. Imagine running across three fields. That’s what conquest feels like to me, lots of effort and boredom for nothing at all. I’ll come back to this a little later, but for now: Jooseman?

Jooseman: I enjoy Conquest, the problem is, you get points quicker than a man with premature ejaculation gets off. Seriously, you can get out of games with way over 5000 points a game, which is enough to buy most weapons, armour and icecream topping one at a time. This means you buy can rapidly buy things and the only thing adding longevity is the levels (Which also advance with the points) and that doesn't itself last long. Once you have built your optimum build. you have no reason to continue playing the game really... Except because you find it fun. Now let's talk about the classes some more. The one I'm using is essentially a Guy on steroids moulded into armour and carrying a sword so huge that it's designed to compensate for something. The thing is, I can never see myself switching to a different classes except maybe to choose some heavier armour. That's another problem, the effect that heavier armour has on you. Yes you start sprinting, and it feels like you're trying to run while carrying a fucking elephant in really heavy armour, but it all round doesn't make a difference that is game changing. I have a solution to this. Make the people in light armour into fucking superman. Have them fly around helping children in a way that is completely different to Jimmy Saville, and then shoot people as they run past. Maybe they can even fight themselves not in costume at some point.
No matter what I say however, this game is still ridiculously good fun to play with a few friends and the scale of some of the battles are pretty amazing, when you have 32 people on each side just charging at each other like angry Scotsmen... Or Scotsmen. As they get picked off by archers, and you wade into conflict, swinging your huge sword like Gregor Clegane from A Song of Ice and Fire (Game of Thrones for you TV watchers) or a violent pornstar. It's immense and fun enough to look over the faults I've said so far.

Rofling Officer: Now then, more criticism… (you should take this as a good sign that I’m struggling to take the piss at this point) Well the hand to hand combat isn’t much good, but that’s gonna take a little while to explain, and here it is. While swinging a sword is insanely accurate (I dread to think how the people making the hitboxes were treated, their family were probably forced into prostitution unless they get it precisely right), there isn’t any real weight behind the swing. It looks like your character is about as into the battle as he would be when cleaning up his dog’s shit. It really is a shame, but it’s MORE than made up for by the awesome ranged combat. While swords and other melee weapons have zero weight and momentum, the bows and crossbows are amazingly powerful, and the sound design is gorgeous. And when you pull off an instakill headshot and the Quake announcer yells “HEADSHOT!” I can’t help but cross my legs with joy. An absolute delight from the round start to the round end, worth it just for that.

Jooseman: Talking about the combat, another criticism of the combat is how insanely difficult it is to tell how much damage you have taken. Sometimes the game doesn't even allow you to have strawberries rammed into your eyes by a hammer before you drop dead, it just does it. It's hard to know if you are being slowly sliced in half by a massive sword, or if some annoying prick as started trying to poke at you with the effective battlefield weapon of a toothpick. They may as well have gone down the realistic option, and given you the number of hitpoints you have in the corner, because that's how real life works.

Rofling Officer: Now to conclude: this game is good. Really good. And it’s pretty cheap, but multiplayer only. The bows and crossbows are amazing, but the melee weapons aren’t so good though. So is it a recommendation? Yeah sure. Get it! This is Master Chief Petty Officer James Rofling, 007 signing off.

Rome 2 Total War Announcement

(Semi Serious post, not rant, which I wrote to post on Shaboozey.com thread and decided to adjust and post here as well)

Today after finishing playing Smite, I was told possibly the greatest news I have ever heard, they had just announced that a Snowman was in fact the ruler of the New World Order. I mean that Rome 2 was announced by Creative Assembly to an applause so big by me, it was almost certainly not compensate for something else. Seriously guys, ROME 2!!

Rome Total War is possibly one of my favourite games ever created by anybody, which shows why it was in my list of Top 10 games ever. It is possible the most game changing of the Total War series, being the first to move away from the Sprites of the original Shogun and Medieval games, and instead bringing the series into glorious and epic, huge 3D Battles which made the series popular, and is one of the many reasons that this game is probably the most requested game to be "re-made" again for the Total War series. It'd be more surprised that idiots used the internet than this game being created.
So here are some of the new features in this game:

Factions

Yes Shogun 2 had a lot of factions, however a major complaint, as well as with Empire, was that all the factions were essentially the same after being spray painted in different colours of the rainbow by a really bad artist. It gave less variety than a football team from the third Reich game and was just boring to watch. However with Rome Total war, the variety in the armies was much better to see, for example with the Egyptians getting Chariots, and Carthaginians getting Elephants etc.

This looks like it is about to stay in the sequel, with initial interviews showing that each one will have completely individual styles to them, from the Germanic Tribes, to the Greeks, the different Roman states and also to the Carthaginians and the Egyptians. It just makes for a much better and more enjoyable experience for the game.

The factions also change with environment, for example having crude barbaric cities, to the decor of Roman and Greek cities, and finally to the bustling metropolis of Carthage, which is basically a "boss battle" city if you are a Roman faction, being the largest and most money earning throughout most of the game. By boss battle I'm hoping for a huge transforming city which turns into a robot or something, think that will happen?

AI
The main problem with all Total War games is that the AI is god awful. They act like children being chased by rabid squirrels most of the time, running around the battlefield like a chicken on acid, and completely destroying any battle plan you happened to be thinking of beforehand. This was most prominent in Empire Total War, where the characters were scared to enter the water, presumably because they all had life threatening experiences with puddles when they were younger.

This however, didn't stop with just Empire, with even Fall of the Samurai having awful AI which even cheats at times on some difficulties in order to win, which, doesn't seem to fit the spirit of a Total War game, which is why it is now good they  have, for Rome 2, hired a large portion more staff to sort it out, as well as fixed the separate AI's for military and diplomacy,  making ir much more like how an AI in a Civ game would act.

Scale

They have made the scale much larger, making the battles seem much more huge with larger units which make the battles much more detailed, as well as with a new graphical engine which means more can be done with how the units look.

It is helped by the fact that Naval and Land battles are now combined, being able to take place in what is the equivalent of D-Day set during the Gladiator films. For example with the shown Battle of Carthage, where naval vessels transport ground troops to the beach, and land them, where the soldiers then run up to abandoned siege equipment and start to move towards the city.
All the while this is happening, other ships are firing boulders from catapults at the City Walls in the harbour. This also makes it more tactical for the defenders, who at same time are trying to sink the transport ships and making it a much riskier approach for the attackers in the siege.
In the campaign map, the territories have also changed, with many being much larger now, however within that territory it would be split up into many smaller regions . This allows for as much detail as Shogun but on a much larger scale.

Each region would be focused on something different, for example a rich, agricultural based capital region and the like. This is designed to prevent people just rushing towards a capital to take a province, and instead you can choose which thing you would want to deplete your enemy of first by attacking that region. This is to try and prevent an endless, and boring run of sieges, and instead produce fighting in the much more varied looking countryside to make it less boring for everybody.

New Camera Angles

There are also a magnitude of new camera angles to show off the scale of the battles, for one you can pull right into the heart of the battle, viewing individual soldiers as they fight through the battlefield. You can presumably also view them go to the toilet, which the developers would be less eager to show off (That is a joke OK! OK!)

There is also the other new camera, which allows you to zoom right out, so the soldiers all look like ants if you were a God who liked creating ants and making them fight. This allows you to control much more of your men at a time, and see what is happening in the battle much more easily, making It easier to micromanage different units and stopping you from feeling over burdened.

Multiplayer and Mods

So fact there has been no announcements on what to expect from multiplayer and if it is the same as the previous game, however they have said to expect something big on what will happen in that front which will be announced nearer to the time.
For Mods it is unknown, as in previous games they were very mod friendly, with huge mods being made for both Rome and Medieval 2, however recently it has been much harder to make mods for the game, which changed with the map creator for Shogun 2. They have yet to announce if a tool like that will be available for the game, however they have said they would do their best to make it easy enough, even if it not as easy as the consumer would like it to be.

Release Date

The game has a release date of around 2013 some time, which would lead me to expect Q2 2013, however it could easily slip later into the year, but whenever this game comes out, it could not come soon enough. This is probably my most anticipated for next year now.

(Also, loading times, make them quicker. No matter what you were loading it off, Shogun 2 seemed to have ridiculously long loading times for whatever reason. Not to get into the battles or campaigns, but just to get onto the main menu. No idea why that is so, but I'd rather be able to play the game than have to spend a few hours banging my head against a wall in boredom.)

Eurovision 2012

Jonith: So, its Eurovision time again, when Europeans all sit down, and listen to awful music and epic saxophone playing while complaining about everything. It is a time for mocking, a time for annoyance and a time to start popping anti-depressants like a whore sucks cocks. This means it's time to carry on with my annual tradition of what I like to call my live rant, where I watch each act while writing about them, this time with special guest, Oliver Rolfing too share the pain of this. Now bring this on HOO FUCKING RAH.

Rofling Officer: I can't believe we're at this time again, this time, we're live in Azerbaijan for the song contest between some European countries (it's news to me that Azerbaijan is in Europe, but there you go). The Eurovision is pretty much a hate figure for every imbecile fresh from The Voice who needs some more idiot TV. The difference being, everyone loves complaining about this particular song contest, because of biases and stuff. But anyway, for the time being, I present mine and Jonith's review of the Eurovision Song Contest 2012. Enjoy.


1. Great Britain - Love Will Set You Free- Engelbert Humperdink

John: I think the first thing that needs to be said is, holy shit that name. It sounds like the sounds you would make if you were busy drowning in custard. Who is he, a made up bad guy from a children's TV show. Also, the way he sings about love makes it seem like we chose the world's most elegant paedophile to sing our song. Really though, I shouldn't be making fun of him, because the song itself is decent enough, not completely crap, but also not good enough to win. I personally like this song and C'MON GREAT BRITAIN.

Rofling: First up we have the greatest country in the world, with Angel-burp Hump-a-dick and his song: "Love Will Set You Free". I have to tip my hat to them for picking a name so cliche it comes right round and sounds awesome again. Looking like an Italian Paul McCartney with an eating disorder, Humperdinck steps onto stage. The song itself is about as fast paced as a William Shatner monologue as dictated by a brain damaged slug, but there's nothing particularly obnoxious about it (aside from maybe the strobes in the background that gave me a seizure). Eventually the song ends with a big crescendo and everyone forgets about him. Nicely done Engelbert, you weren't unpleasant.

2. Hungary - Sound of our Hearts - Compact Disco

Rofling: Wow the lead singer looks like Goth Adam Levine from Maroon 5, and the others look like they were plucked straight from a Nirvana video from 1993, but the song itself is actually pretty alright. The chorus is catchy, he sings pretty good and the singer is getting really into it. Weirdly, I think that's Jade Goody on stage there with them (and oh fucking hell that was the worst thing I have ever written and I hate myself for it), and oh the song's over. Well that was only slightly longer than a TV show about the lighter side of the Borgias, slightly disappointed.

3. Albania - Suus- Rona Nishliu

Jonith: I have no idea what the name of this song, sounding like the name of an awful foreign food dish which you may be served while being sick into a toilet, but what I do know is that this song seems to be sung by Medusa, the Fat Prostitute years. Also, this person can't sing, it seems like I'm having somebody have glass crushed in my ears every time she sings. Is she singing, or shouting at a dragon flying across the back of the arena? Nobody knows, Nobody Knows.

Rofling: Next we have an Albanian woman with a church on her head, and just singing fucking nonsense words that make no sense (no I'm not talking about Albanian, they are actually nonsense words). The tone of the song is flitting about like the Millenium Falcon on acid, and when she attempts to hit high notes she sounds like she's trying to shatter my TV screen to stop me listening to this absolute SHIT. OH FUCK ME THIS IS TERRIBLE! The high notes are akin to having my ears grated onto Colonel Gaddafi's erect penis now; I can't take it anymore. Thank God, it's over. I'll be right back, just going to blast a hole where my ears used to be...

4.Lithuania - Love is Blind- Donny Montell

Jonith: Well this guy's name sounds like a really bad 80's  musician, but in fact he looks like an escape artist who has walked into the wrong dressing room. Seriously who does he think he is, a demon hunter. Actually, it makes more sense if he thinks he's an extra from Phantom of the Fucking Opera.

And then when he takes the blindfold off, what is he doing then, starting his stripping routine? This dancing is possibly the most non sensual thing ever. He's like a puppet dancing being controlled by a snowman on crack.

Rofling: Wearing a blindfold with glitter on it (which makes it seem like you've been kidnapped by Christopher Biggins while in his campest mood) and with about as many spotlights as there were shining when Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah and claimed he was gay, the Lithuanian act is introduced. The song itself sounds like a blend of Whitney Houston and Alvin and the Chipmunks and a particularly pretentious James Bond theme song. My rating: about as entertaining as watching paint dry on a wall while the wall punches you on the cock.

5.Bosnia and Herzegovinininia. - Korake ti zanam - Mayasar

Jonith: Now we have a Joanna Lumley impersonator after extreme botox surgery. She also appears to be wearing the Great Pyramid on each of her shoulders, or taking part in a complex assassination attempt were both of the tips are coated with poison. She also sounds like she's trying to serenade a dying cat while injecting heroin into her eyes. Fuck me this is such a bad song. And then she just abandons here piano, what has that piano ever done to you bitch, send in your money today to go and rescue those helpless abandoned pianos.

6. Russia - Party for Everybody - Those Granny People 

Jonith: The start of this song sounds like the theme tune to a bloody Elder Scrolls game before turning into possibly the worst dance theme ever. It sounds like it was composed by a death Kim Jong Il... After his death. I can understand the novelty about them being old people, but thats so fucking patronising, you may as well start patting them on the head after they have a shit next. This is generic Euro nonsense and nobody in their right mind should vote for them... Unless you get turned on by this sort of thing, in which case you're probably violently masturbating into the TV.

Rofling: Sigh... the singers: a bunch of old grannies (like there's a riot at the post office and no pensioners are able to collect). ARGH MY EARS. I can think of 7 billion people off the top of my head who can sing better than these incontinent shitheads. Watching them "sing" while cooking dinner makes me feel like I've injected heroin directly into my brain... except the heroin is AIDS. Please make it stop. If anyone votes for Russia they'll get a throwing knife embedded in their skull courtesy of the Rofling Officer. The song itself is even more repetitive than a broken dictaphone playing a speech by Obama, and still the fucking retards are cheering. Guess I'm going to need a lot of throwing knives.

7. Iceland - Never Forget - Greta Salome & Jonse

Rofling: "Never Forget"? Not directly leeching off Take That I hope. They could have at least changed Forget to Forgot or something... no no no no no no when these two cunts sing together they sound like when I beat my cats with a dying mouse with "irony" written on it. I was warming to the song at first, but Jesus Christ no one can sound like that unless they're either possessed by the Devil or possessed by the spirit of a Puritan conspirator plotting to murder the very concept of music itself. The "strong" chorus sounds totally different to the rest of the song, and weirdly they actually sound alright. But it's far too little and later than a turtle with narcolepsy.

8. Cyprus - La La Love - Ivi Adamou

Jonith: Supposedly this is one of the favourites from what I have seen people say. Now I think that's just because this is masturbation material for the majority of people watching. The singer looks like a Cypriot Kelly Brooke, however she also seems to be producing an unusual amount of testosterone as she as an extremely deep voice. The chorus has the imagination of a Call of Duty game about Americans, and the depth in the song lyrics as well.

9. France - Echo (You and I) - Anggun

Jonith: So now we have a performance by the world's leading white flag makers. The tone of the lyrics seem to fit the semi-techno background like a holocaust movie created by the characters out of Toy Story. It also appears that the background dancers is wearing the white flag of France instead of pants, which is always good to be showing such national pride. The song itself is awful, and has the imagination of my jokes about the French in it, so I'll give up now.

Rofling: What are France going to do for the Olympics in August? Send a singer instead of a gymnastics team? The song itself just sounds like a backing track for the gymnasts, like she was ordered to make it forgettable (so much so that I've forgotten it even while listening) to give the gymnasts as much attention as possible. Maybe it's a plot by the French bastards for them to win. She dresses like a Concubine Superhero and sounds like Chris Redfield is punching her vocal chords, and the random techno backing sounds like someone is staging a chase scene on a vinyl record. Utter garbage.

10. Italy - L'amore e femmina (Out of Love) - Nina Zilli

Rofling: Chinese Amy Winehouse now, with her backing sassy black women, uh huh. Ambiguous racism aside, I really really like this song. Aside from the stupid "la la la la la" thrown in there, the lyrics are fun and don't repeat as much as the others and the tune is instantly catchy. Even now it's got me nodding in time and smiling like I'm having my balls massaged by a courtesan with a testicle fetish (please excuse the revolting imagery). Excellent, my favourite so far. She'll get my vote if the others are faecal fountains too.

11. Estonia - Kuula - Ott Lepland

Jonith: Apparantly these have sent a singer who is so close to his mic, he may as well be giving it a blow job by this point. He sings with an effort so lacklustre, even the comatose will be getting bored by this song, and he has so little emotion he may as well be the world's most boring robot. Even when he gets louder to seemingly get to the epic part of the song he drops back down like he has erectile dysfunction... Except with the voice except the penis. I do like how he's on stage himself, and doesn't have some boring background dancers though, so there's a plus.

12. Norway - Stay - Tooji

Jonith: You know, Norway really missed a trick by not sending themselves some Norwegian Country Rock Music, which was even up for contention to sing for them, but they didn't and my hopes for that were dashed. Instead we get a cunt. That's all there is to say about him, seriously, he may as well be walking around with his shirt of, grating people's faces with his abs while boasting about how many girls he's has toss him off, which incidentally is what he is, a tosser. I really hate this guy with a passion, and it would be my dream for him to slip and break a leg or something. Somebody run on stage and punch him with brass knuckles please, it will be for the best. He is worse than the guy who gave cancer to kittens  

Seriously, this guy is extremely obnoxious and I would rather have my penis removed by flaming tongs than carry on listening to it.

Rofling: A musical rendition of the game Prototype, complete with Alex Mercer look alike. The song sounds like someone was trying to induce vomiting to try and save his puppy he swallowed, but its the kind of obnoxious that stops being so horrible after a while and actually has you warming to it. The chorus is still pathetic and sounds like Chris Tucker having his bollocks yanked, however. The bloke himself is a terrific twat who makes any possibilty of me enjoying the song instantly swing out of the window. Fingers crossed someone will sing Hot Problems to get this horrible taste out of my mouth.

13. Azerbaijan - When the Music Dies- Sabina Babayeva

Jonith: Now for the home nation. That wonderfully glorious European nation of Azerbaijan. A country which is extremely in Europe and certainly not in Asia and that's Geographicallyical non fact. The act is extremely generic in itself, and there is not much to say about it, except the fact that the woman appears to be wearing a shape shifting cloud around her thighs.

Rofling: Yay the hosts now, fronted by Celine Dion at her wedding. The song is slow, and a chore to listen to, in fact forget chore it's more akin to watching the Human Centipede whilst rearranging packs of cards... dunno why, but fuck off, this is incredibly draining. My diagnosis of the song: decently performed, but definitely not worthy of a host place and a very tedious beat.

14. Romania - Zaleilah - Mandinga

Rofling: A sort of cross between Cuba and Scotland; the bagpipes and the super hot Hispanic woman I could watch sing for a thousand years. Weirdly captivating, though that might just be her beauty, but it is markedly different to the other acts. I liked it a lot, but I don't really have much to say about it. Except that that woman was super super hot.

15. Denmark - Should've Known Better - Soulna Samay

Jonith: Now here is  Denmark, with a song that sounds like I think 500 others which have been before it. I get the feeling all these songs are blending into one by this point. The song itself is decent, and that woman in that Navy costume sure would be exciting if anybody is into role play.

As I said, the song itself is decent and one of the better ones of the competition so far, not resorting to the unimaginative choruses. My favourite I think so far.

16. Greece - Aphrodisiac- Eleftheria Eleftheriou

Jonith: Here comes the act known as Economic problems, and the background dancing is by the very popular group called the Athens Molotov Cocktail Throwers. Look at all those flames go like you have just set fire to some guys puppy. The name of this song seems to make it sound like it would be the perfect foreplay song, but instead this song has the sex appeal of a dead guy in an SS costume. The problem with that joke, however, is that I made it before the performance itself and it is the opposite of that. Which just shows, that because I cannot tell the future, I am an idiot and deserve to be killed in the most painful way possible

By the way, surely they should sing about not wanting to win and for us just to send them money by PayPal instead?

Rofling: "Aphrodisiac". You'll certainly need one to get it up after listening to this song (raucous laughter). Laughably seductive Greek Cheryl Cole plays the lead "singer" who sings "oh oh oh" with the skill of a deaf parrot trained by Andy Dick. Ultimately, it's a ridiculously oversexualised attempt to try and get votes through viewers pants, and it hasn't worked for me at all. A very boring (yes boring) song that I've forgotten already.

17. Sweden - Euphoria - Loreen

Rofling: Really Sweden? Carly Rae Jepsen in a wind tunnel? That's the best you can do? Not even any naked blonde women to try to get votes that way? Two minutes of a woman having a seizure is not good entertainment, at least not at this time of the day. Save it for some porn sites Sweden. Another boring as hell song, piss off.

18. Turkey - Love me Back - Can Bonomo

Jonith: This is seriously my most hated song in this entire competition. The person doesn't even sing it, he kind of just says the words with a slight tune in the background. The person singing it looks like a Sacha Baron Cohen character crossed with a Lamppost. I really hope the boat this guy is singing about sinks and he drowns painfully on sea water. The God command it. This is too painful too listen to even for them.

The tune in the background is possibly the least imaginative thing ever as well, he may as well be singing over the top of some guys mobile phone ringtone. Anyway that was a performance by the Village People. He sounded like a duck being strangled by an Auto tuner.

19. Spain - Quedate Conmigo - Pastora Soler

Jonith: Here we go, the next in the group who owe money to loansharks, singing desperatly for a home and not to hold it next year. I assume this song is called "Buy me a home please" in fact. Sadly it's not as ridiculously bad as most Spanish performances. This is a generic performance and there is not much to say about it except it only makes me want to fall asleep in a Nuclear Reactor it's so boringly bad. NEXT! MY ANGER AND SELF HATRED IS NOT YET SATISFIED.

Rofling: With the Spain the bar is usually balanced at the Earth's core, and they aren't breaking that tradition. This woman looks like she's about to burst into tears with love for her song, so I hate her. Otherwise it's just making me yawn extra loud. I'm fast running out of enthusiasm for this shit, and I think it's POSSIBLY starting to show, but this is making me laugh a great deal from the way she's almot sobbing with emotion at such an interminable song.

20. Germany - Standing Still - Roman Lob

Jonith: An English Person wrote this song so it must be good. This is over, thank you and see you some other time... This song is actually pretty good, if extremely generic. This is so generic that the guy may as well just be playing the top 40 over a backing track done by some generic band that I can't think of. It also leads me to question why they all sing the English songs in an East London accent, I'm waiting for the time they all take that to an extreme and come out with really Cockney accents. Also don't mention the war... Shit.

These are easily my favourites so far I think and I hope this guy wins.

Rofling: While being more boring to watch than The Da Vinci Code adapted for the TV by a blind man, the song does have a good tune. The singer is a bit of a wanker, wearing a hat indoors like he's got a shaven head or something, but he is a genuinely good singer, and I've managed to contain any "Fuhry" (BA DUM TISH) that I may have had. It was more boring than watching a blimp in slow motion, but it was livened up by the song which was like watching a blimp crash into a city.

21. Malta - This is the Night - Kurt Calleja

Rofling: Oh god why is he just singing in LESS THAN ONE NOTE for the entire song. The verses are shorter than Jonith's cock, and the chorus has been ripped off bloodily from about fifty songs I've heard of, but it does kind of blend together nicely to create an enjoyable experience. They all look like they're into the song, and I'm having fun writing and listening to this. I'm shocked I'm saying this, but well done Malta.

Jonith: I actually quite liked that song in a guilty pleasure kind of way.

22. Macedonia - Crno I belo - Kaliopi

Jonith: So now we have a singer whose name sounds like an ice lolly and a song which sounds like you are choking on a piece of pasta. The woman herself looks like an extra out of Wall Street. After this I expect her to run into a board room and shout that the shares have dropped. Seriously, the background of this performace could have been this boring if we were watching a brick wall being painted. Oh and then a light show started, as of the heavens were opening and God was trying to kill every epileptic in the immediate vicinity. This song flicks between two extremes as if the writer is Bi-polar and has the personality of an ADD sufferer on marijuana.

23. Ireland - Waterline - Jedward

Jonith: Now it's John and Edward, and I call them that because otherwise I sound like a cunt who runs out of breath too easily. Also then I can call them John and Fucking Edward without having to make noises like a dying seal. The costumes they wear in this make them look like Astronauts with BDSM fetishes. I'm pretty sure there must be SOME twincest going on between these two if they can stare at each other with these clothes on which shove the crotch so far back into the body, it's like having surgery in Thailand. So which one is the male and which is the female? I think its interchangable.

They all look like extras from Tron if it took place in the setting of Jaws... The sea.

Rofling: Oh yay Jedward! They aren't out here enough! But wait! They'ev abandoned the quiffs and gone for an outfit that would embarrass a gay General Shepard. While not as garmant rendingly dreadful as lipstick from last year. Breaking some kind of Jedward rule, this time they aren't going retardly over the top like Andy Dick at a feminist convention. They sing worse than an Amnesiac with a throat infection, but they certainly aren't the worst act tonight. Still, to maintain my integrity, piss off Jedward!

24.  Serbia- Nije Ijubav Stvar - Zeljiko Joksimovic

Rofling: I love Serbia, the name really evokes something in my soul. It's a country with such a sad history, and this is deeply reflected in their song. I'm on the edge of my seat, hanky in hand, blowing away. Ambiguous cock jokes and sarcasm aside, I'm enjoying the song more than I thought I would. The tune is easy to tap along to, and the bloke can actually hammer out a tune. Nice work.

Jonith: Decent Enough

25. Ukraine - Be My Guest - Gaitana

Jonith: Representing Ukraine is Daikatana, I mean Gaitana. This is possibly the most ridiculously fucking crazy one so far. The woman is, for a start, wearing a fruit salad created by poisonous plants on her head. She also seems to be doing her best Shirley Bassey imprsonation, which would make sense if Shirley Bassey had her vocal chords removed.

The backing dancers are also all young offenders, which really sums up the punishment here, I couldn't think of anything worse than having to dance behind her. ALST THERES A MOTHER FUCKING TRUMPET, EPIC. (Oh and the worst computer generated models dancing on a screen behind her, well I assume there dancing, they may be protesting the song)

26. Moldova - Lauter - Pasha Parfeny

Jonith: Ok the last act, finally, Christ this has been a slog. Moldova with acts such as the KKK clowns and Epic Sax Guy. And this year we have an Edward Norton look alike singing a song from a Kids TV show probably. If the Kids TV show was then banned immediately. This man has possibly the most cheesiest dancing this side of France, and women behind him acting as if they have just been pulled out of a 1980's disco. The Dance is still the greatest mother fucking thing ever, that was amazing.

Anyway, this is finally over. FREEDOM!

Rofling: And last and CERTAINLY least, with a name like he's ordering some pasta in Spain, we have Pasha Parfeny and his quartet of dancing prostitutes. They look so uncomfortable I'm sure they're stood on hot plates to make them dance. Breaking Moldova tradition (last year we got the people riding unicycles while wearing hats that looked like the Village People joined the Ku Klux Klan), this song is really fucking boring. It's so bad even my TV is rejecting it, and it's so forgettable that I forgot the tune before I even started listening. All this gets is a heavy sigh of dread for the 12 points from Romania, with love.

Update + Streaming News

Ok, sorry for not posting anything for a very long time on this blog, but I would have been playing a lot of Crusader Kings 2 recently as well as being extremely busy anyway, so guess what my next rant will be about (it will probably be up next week.) Also, as you may know, Eurovision is next weekend, and I'm going to carry on with my tradition of writing a live rant about each of the songs, maybe with the Rofling Officer, I don't know yet.

Anyway, youtube channel wise, I uploaded a Mystery Science Theater 3000 of the Black Ops 2 trailer, however Activision had it banned worldwide for copyright, so instead I've recorded 50 minutes worth of Mount and Blade: Westeros footage. Also The Rofling Officer's editing equipment has broke so do not expect anything from him for a few weeks.

Also, I live stream with a few mates occasionally at the Ayoto!! Corp Twitch TV account, starting tonight with 3 of us doing a run through of the Torchlight 2 beta.
http://ayoto-corporation.net/ (Stream is on the Website)
Or
http://www.twitch.tv/ayotocorp?utm_campaign=live_embed_click&utm_source=ayoto-corporation.net (The Actual Channel if you want to talk to others)

L.A Noire Interrogation Rant

Because I'm a lazy bastard who forgot that he didn't talk about the interrogation in his rant about L.A Noire, as well as the fact that I want to milk this more than an electrified milking machine in a BDSM club, here is my rant about the interrogation system from the game, possibly one of the most useless things ever to be placed into a game ever.

I hate puzzle games. Puzzle games are the equivalent to gaming as pornography about elephants is to classy videos on the internet. What's the point with Puzzle games? They come across a nice, casual game, before promptly showing you a decapitated head of a parent and sending you into a mental breakdown. If that's the sort of thing you call casual, you are probably less likeable than a tape worm doing a Hitler impression.

And then you get puzzle games disguising themselves as normal games, such is the interrogation system in L.A Noire. This game thought it could trick me, but it couldn't because I have the cunning of a dead fox in an incinerator. It thought I would think this a fun, action game, but no. It's actually a puzzle game in which you stare creepily into people's faces for 5 hours like a dead pervert.

The interrogation in this game involves interrogating people amazingly, by forcing you to look at the people's faces (who I may remind you, look like somebody who's just been curb stomped into a pile of gravel and dog shit). After looking at people's faces, you have to guess at 1 of 3 options which you have down the side... Except occasionally you can remove one of these options, which is retarded, and is like in an actual interrogation you forced the prisoner to suck your cock if he lied. No matter that, it's not exactly Lie to Me style facial deduction, more if Micky Mouse became a policeman and had to question rapists for a Disney straight to TV movie.

These are not the only problems with the whole interrogation thing. The main one is that they have to get actors to pretend to lie for some of them. Some of them seem to be acted by the likes of Nicholas Cage (he's not actually in the game, you can lower your pitchforks) or anybody else from the School of Cannot Act, just down the road from The School of Hard Knocks. Then you have the opposite end of the scale, where the actors lie in with huge exaggeration, shuffling about as if there dick has just caught fire, and moving their heads about like they are watching Pong in the Large Hadron Collider.

And then what happens when you get it right? Detective Inspector Dick Hole the 2nd
will make an offensive comment to the person, and in today's society getting arrested for a whole bunch of prejudice laws. The thing is, when you get it wrong and they are threatening to cut your head off and replace it with an ice cube, he thanks them for their time and walks off. So apparently is Bi-Polar.

This however has got me thinking, if we are having retarded puzzles in games like this now, what else can we put in to pad out the game in a nonsensical way, and here are 3 options:

1. A beauty contest mini game in Manhunt 2. Just imagine the women walking along the catwalk as you press random combinations of buttons to take photos of the models after a hard days killing. Also you aren't told what buttons to press, it's a guess, as that's a challenge.
2. A cooking game in Amnesia: The Dark Descent. What could be better than making your freakish guest monsters omelettes for dinner while adventuring around an ancient castle. Nothing, I tell you, Nothing. Now be a nice host and go make me a cup of tea.
3. Adding a mini game to make your character have to transport an elderly woman to the bathroom in any game that you play. Don't do your back in as you carry her up the stairs in a patronising manner. This is the most riveting mini game ever, I think it would fit the pace of any Call of Duty game.
4. Adding a tower defence game to Assassins Cre... Oh bollocks.

Anyway, there are my thoughts on the Interrogation in this game, and, because I can't think of a witty way to finish of this sentence and rant here is me saying some random words: bollocks, twat, orange, cheese, cat, more cats, something about the Muppets and ice cream.

L.A Noire Rant

Ok, back to normal schedule since I have my new mouse (and have had for a while), the problem being, my normal schedule revolves around playing games, which is like telling somebody you violently rape dead squirrels. But to use an old cliché, the show must go on no matter how many of the cast are being taken away for bestiality related crimes, so here I am to you anyway to finally review a game which I have been planning on for a long time.

There have been a lot of open world sandbox games over the past year, and by past year I mean the one that ended a few months back. There was probably more sand involved than if the Sahara desert decided to invade. So how do you set your game apart from all these competitors on the market? Easy, remove any freedom that the person may be wanting to use, and force him to do certain things.

This is L.A Noire, otherwise known as GTA but with cars that drive slower than an old man being chased by a fucking disable snail. You play a cor blimey ye ol' days copper, who even though I said it like that, is not at all based in London and is in fact in Los Angeles amazingly, wonder how anybody could have worked that one out?

The main character is Cole Phelps, who appears to have had all his lines written by Nick Griffin after his meeting with Hitler. Every time he opens his mouth he says something more offensive than Charles Dickens during his adolescent years and he may as well stab himself in the arse at the start of every conversation just to make it less tedious. And it doesn't help that his voice makes him sound like the biggest twat this side of Amsterdam's red light district, he is voiced by Aaron Staton, of Mad Men fame, you know, that TV program which portrays the lives of people who think there better than you... From the 60's.

This guy also seems to have no reaction at seeing any of the crimes which have occurred. I'm pretty sure there's a psychological term for this called Fucking Psychotic. He doesn't even bat an eye lid when he sees a naked whore cut up like an orange in a blender. Perhaps he just gets turned on by this stuff, that weird shit.

However this game has a way to make this guy likeable... He's the only non-corrupt cop in the L.A.P.D. Because that is something has is never used in TV programs and is so original it probably fits their alongside all British people being evil arses. And anyway, the L.A.P.D sounds like the worst police force to become corrupt in ever, all the crimes revolve around catching traffic thieves or having some guys hat shot off by a pop gun. You may as well start a crime ring in the fucking magic roundabout for how good it is.

You slowly make your way up the ranks of the L.A.P.D which sounds an exciting thing to do when you get home from work, trying to work even more to get promoted. It must be like hell for any real police officers playing this game. What's next Rockstar? A game about starting an icecream store and trying to get it worldwide? And if you're making a game about crime, at least let me become the executioner so I can fry the annoying cunt I play as myself.

I think a major thing to talk about in this game is the supposedly amazing face technology which it has and is supposed to make all the characters look like their actual models perfectly. Apparently all the characters models where elephants with modelling clay stretched across their arses then, because the characters in this game look good in the same way that you may say a man with two heads looks good in a creepy, what the hell, kind of way. And that's not even mentioning the actual bodies of the characters, which them all walk around like they have a burning hot rod shoved up there rectum until it's coming out of their nose, they show absolutely no movement from the neck down, so they seem to have all been paralysed by rattlesnake venom.

So next to the cars, which all look like identikit boxes and move like there being pushed by a fat mechanic up Mt. Everest. They handle terrible, somebody may as well have replaced there brakes with jelly and you would be able to stop more quickly, and that's the only thing quick about these cars because they move at the speed of a snowman having a cardiac arrest. Then again, there are a few good cars, mainly the secret ones you can find for some reason at petrol stations. For example, one I found looked like The Batmobile after Batman went crazy and became an off road driver on crack, the other was a mini bus after going through a shrink ray.

Then again after all these bad points, there are worse games you could inspire to copy off when you decide to make an adventure game, which is the equivalent of choosing too end your own life or what colour socks your dog should wear. It at least manages to tell you a story without constantly forcing you into quick time events like a very pushy mother.

On a similar note though, we get to the worst part of the game, the world. It seems to advertise itself as an open world game but you quickly realise it is not, like going onto a porn website and seeing that it is now about classical art... By Picasso. Outside of missions you can't really adventure, because supposedly police can't leave the fucking police station anytime they want to, and as a police officer, you can also not kill anybody. I have a gun, let me fucking use it instead of having him store it up his arse like a huge laxative (that is shoved up the arse). Half the time you just ask your partner to drive you to destinations anyway, because L.A seems to be a ridiculously boring town, along the lines of Sheffield... And your partner is always an even bigger tosser than you.

Well this game left me annoyed, but at least I managed to get this rant finally done after promising it for the last few months. I swear more than usual here as well somehow, and I forgot to talk about the interrogation, I might do a small rant about it next week or something.