Taken aback by the extreme awseomness of Dan's similar post I am also going to put one up detailing what blog posts I will be doing over the next few weeks. Actually I don't give a shit that he has already done one and i'm just doing this because I am more forgetful than a lobotomised Goldfish with ADD. So this is a list, go on, look at the list. LOOK AT THE LIST NOW GOD DAMMIT.
1. Sucker Punch review Part 2
2. Super Meat Boy
3. Lego Star Wars 3
4. Black Ops, First Strike Map Pack
5. How to improve Minecraft
6. This space is left open for a review on Portal 2 or Crysis 2
Now I will also copy off him by explaining what each of these things are about in small scentences, now heres an introduction to that, blah de blah, blah de blah de blah, blah blah. Oh you want actual scentences, ok.
Sucker Punch- Well this is extremely self explanatory considering I have already part reviewed it. If you havn't worked this out yet your either as retarded as the enemies in this film or you have not read the previous review. READ IT NOW.
Super Meat Boy- This game is harder than a body builder watching porn, and has at times made me want to punch a hole im my computer screen.... With a brick, that has nails coming out of it.
Lego Star Wars 3- Self explanatory really. The only way I could actually like this game is if I had my brain removed by chipmunks while shooting Adolf Hitler in the ball as a monkey claps stupidly.
First Strike Map Pack- FUCK OFF RIGHT NOW.
How to Improve Minecraft- After buying Minecraft I enjoyed it for a while, but eventually it's fun wore off, and I found it a struggle to play anymore, so these are things which would make me intrested
Thursday, 14 April 2011
Wednesday, 13 April 2011
Sucker Punch Review part 1
You know those films which make you want to push the Director off of the highest building you can see. Well Sucker Punch is one of those films. In layman’s terms THIS FILM IS AWFUL, IT IS ONE OF THE WORST FILMS EVER. Whoever decided this film would be good must be one idiot, or have a fetish for Rape Fantasies. I hate you Zack Snyder. The film makes no sense, and seems to appeal to the demographic of teenage boys who wank until their cock bleeds, no sane person would enjoy this film until they have their brain removed by mice while high.
The film starts with possibly the most obviously evil man ever. Well he is a step parent, who are somewhere on the evil scale just under the British and above Communists. They may as well have him laugh manically while sat on a swirly chair stroking a cat. At the funeral of the mother of his step daughters (so his wife obviously) he gives that evil look which basically says “haha I will now rape you because your mothers dead, and after tea I will blow up the sun.” He then does that evil tie adjustment thing, not once, but twice, as if we haven’t realised already he is a bigger dick than Lord Voldermort on Viagra. So then we get a scene where he tries to rape these two girls, who we care about less than Hitler, and finally when one of them draws a gun on him, she shoots her sister. What is she, a worse shot than a brain dead James Bond enemy? Hell she’s not even aiming at the rapist, YOUR TRYING TO MAKE US FEEL SORRY FOR A MURDERER, WHAT'S NEXT, MAKING US FEEL SORRY FOR THE EMPORER IN STAR WARS, SAURON, THAT GUY WHO BLEW UP THE EARTH THAT ONE TIME. WHAT THE FUCK! But then again this scene has a much to do with the rest of the story as a monkey disco, so this all doesn’t matter. I HATE YOU ZACK SNYDER.
Well after that scene which tries to be noir but succeeds in the same way that Toy Story succeeded in being a slasher flick she gets sent to a corrupt asylum, because hey, their popping up all other the place nowadays. No he doesn’t take her to the police because she’s a fucking murderer, no he instead sends her to be lobotomised, as that’s what I would think to do if I knew Osama Bin Laden. This leads to the only bit of the film which makes even a little bit of sense and the introduction of Dr Evil a-lot, who leads this girl through the asylum in a scene which I couldn’t give a damn about until she is finally about to be lobotomised. Dum dum dum......
Wait no that’ll be a shit way to end the film, so instead we’ll have her hallucinate a Strip Club instead, how about at the same time we’ll have a pig hallucinate he’s on the death star as hey it fits in with the film as much as anything else. So then we get a scene almost exactly the fucking same as the previous one except 1. She’s being lead through a brothel, not an asylum, and 2. It introduces something which means something to the whole film, even though that thing his MORE FIT GURLS. Yes that's the whole plot of this film, FIT GURLS.
And then we get a dance scene, well it’s a dance scene in the same way that 50 Cent Blood on the Sand is a accurate representation of conflict in the middle east. Instead we actually get another hallucination, just to make this film make even less sense. On a sense o metre this is in line with a toucan smoking pot with Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. She is now teleported to feudal Japan, why you ask? I dunno, perhaps she’s been playing a lot of Shogun 2 while drunk. At this point she gets in a conversation with some guy we are supposed to know about but is in fact more a stranger to us than that guy who stalks you on the way home. This man gives Generic Hot Girl a gun and a samurai sword. All the while this is happening there are three giant samurai guards outside. No, they didn’t just attack her while she was distracted. No all the bad guys in this film are retarded fucks, the equivalent of a Call of Duty enemy on easy, so they just waited.
Then the first one runs up and kicks her, sending her flying through the building, somehow sending her flying back faster than a jet, yet when he hits her with his giant spear thing which looks like he chose to make up for him being less well endowed she just falls to the floor, like Zack Snyders attempts to make characters in this film. At that exact moment she must have taken some extremely strong steroids, as she randomly gains more strength than the hulk and slices the first one like a cucumber in a shredder.
After seeing their comrade die, the next two rush her, killing her almost instantly with their brute strength. Well that’s what any sane person would do, but as this world seems to be populated by idiots the 2nd one randomly pulls out a minigun he just happened to have hiding down his pants while the 3rd goes to have a picnic or something. The 2nd wields the Minigun as wildly as George Bush wielded the US army and couldn’t hit a barn door from 5 cm’s away. As he sprays thousands of bullets at her none of them hit and soon she is standing on his neck, where she realises she has a gun and shoots him in the head. Not once, not twice but about 5 times. Who is she, a fucking crazed gunman.... oh.
The third then finishes his picnic and gets killed instantly, as if he had missed Samurai training 101, so that just leaves me with one thing. THIS SCENE PISSED ME OFF MORE THAN A CALL OF DUTY FANBOY WHO THINKS NO SCOPES ARE SKILL. It shows how basically everyone in the film is more retarded than the audience of a Justin Bieber concert. 1st thing the Samurais, I was almost yelling constantly why don’t they just rush her. There were more of them, they were stronger than her and they had weaponry which would make Kim Jong-il wank. But no, that would involve the directors and script writers having more than a single brain cell shared out between them and the character. The other thing which annoyed me in this scene was the fact that she doesn’t use the gun except for one time. Why not, it would have been easier to kill these idiots; especially as they seem like the sort of bad guy who would crap themselves at the site of a water pistol and run off screaming to their mother.
Part 2 coming soon.
The film starts with possibly the most obviously evil man ever. Well he is a step parent, who are somewhere on the evil scale just under the British and above Communists. They may as well have him laugh manically while sat on a swirly chair stroking a cat. At the funeral of the mother of his step daughters (so his wife obviously) he gives that evil look which basically says “haha I will now rape you because your mothers dead, and after tea I will blow up the sun.” He then does that evil tie adjustment thing, not once, but twice, as if we haven’t realised already he is a bigger dick than Lord Voldermort on Viagra. So then we get a scene where he tries to rape these two girls, who we care about less than Hitler, and finally when one of them draws a gun on him, she shoots her sister. What is she, a worse shot than a brain dead James Bond enemy? Hell she’s not even aiming at the rapist, YOUR TRYING TO MAKE US FEEL SORRY FOR A MURDERER, WHAT'S NEXT, MAKING US FEEL SORRY FOR THE EMPORER IN STAR WARS, SAURON, THAT GUY WHO BLEW UP THE EARTH THAT ONE TIME. WHAT THE FUCK! But then again this scene has a much to do with the rest of the story as a monkey disco, so this all doesn’t matter. I HATE YOU ZACK SNYDER.
Well after that scene which tries to be noir but succeeds in the same way that Toy Story succeeded in being a slasher flick she gets sent to a corrupt asylum, because hey, their popping up all other the place nowadays. No he doesn’t take her to the police because she’s a fucking murderer, no he instead sends her to be lobotomised, as that’s what I would think to do if I knew Osama Bin Laden. This leads to the only bit of the film which makes even a little bit of sense and the introduction of Dr Evil a-lot, who leads this girl through the asylum in a scene which I couldn’t give a damn about until she is finally about to be lobotomised. Dum dum dum......
Wait no that’ll be a shit way to end the film, so instead we’ll have her hallucinate a Strip Club instead, how about at the same time we’ll have a pig hallucinate he’s on the death star as hey it fits in with the film as much as anything else. So then we get a scene almost exactly the fucking same as the previous one except 1. She’s being lead through a brothel, not an asylum, and 2. It introduces something which means something to the whole film, even though that thing his MORE FIT GURLS. Yes that's the whole plot of this film, FIT GURLS.
And then we get a dance scene, well it’s a dance scene in the same way that 50 Cent Blood on the Sand is a accurate representation of conflict in the middle east. Instead we actually get another hallucination, just to make this film make even less sense. On a sense o metre this is in line with a toucan smoking pot with Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. She is now teleported to feudal Japan, why you ask? I dunno, perhaps she’s been playing a lot of Shogun 2 while drunk. At this point she gets in a conversation with some guy we are supposed to know about but is in fact more a stranger to us than that guy who stalks you on the way home. This man gives Generic Hot Girl a gun and a samurai sword. All the while this is happening there are three giant samurai guards outside. No, they didn’t just attack her while she was distracted. No all the bad guys in this film are retarded fucks, the equivalent of a Call of Duty enemy on easy, so they just waited.
Then the first one runs up and kicks her, sending her flying through the building, somehow sending her flying back faster than a jet, yet when he hits her with his giant spear thing which looks like he chose to make up for him being less well endowed she just falls to the floor, like Zack Snyders attempts to make characters in this film. At that exact moment she must have taken some extremely strong steroids, as she randomly gains more strength than the hulk and slices the first one like a cucumber in a shredder.
After seeing their comrade die, the next two rush her, killing her almost instantly with their brute strength. Well that’s what any sane person would do, but as this world seems to be populated by idiots the 2nd one randomly pulls out a minigun he just happened to have hiding down his pants while the 3rd goes to have a picnic or something. The 2nd wields the Minigun as wildly as George Bush wielded the US army and couldn’t hit a barn door from 5 cm’s away. As he sprays thousands of bullets at her none of them hit and soon she is standing on his neck, where she realises she has a gun and shoots him in the head. Not once, not twice but about 5 times. Who is she, a fucking crazed gunman.... oh.
The third then finishes his picnic and gets killed instantly, as if he had missed Samurai training 101, so that just leaves me with one thing. THIS SCENE PISSED ME OFF MORE THAN A CALL OF DUTY FANBOY WHO THINKS NO SCOPES ARE SKILL. It shows how basically everyone in the film is more retarded than the audience of a Justin Bieber concert. 1st thing the Samurais, I was almost yelling constantly why don’t they just rush her. There were more of them, they were stronger than her and they had weaponry which would make Kim Jong-il wank. But no, that would involve the directors and script writers having more than a single brain cell shared out between them and the character. The other thing which annoyed me in this scene was the fact that she doesn’t use the gun except for one time. Why not, it would have been easier to kill these idiots; especially as they seem like the sort of bad guy who would crap themselves at the site of a water pistol and run off screaming to their mother.
Part 2 coming soon.
Sunday, 10 April 2011
Top 10 Games from the Past 10 Years
Sorry for not posting in a while (well i'm not sorry, who are you lot to make me write blog post) but I have been busy doing less than a depressed snail so here instead is a post I did with Dan for his blog, and regular services will resume shortly with a review on how god awful Sucker Punch was.
Dan: Well one decade is over, the years 2000-2010 saw a massive amount of great games, but an even greater amount of god-awful games. Today, me and John Smith will do yet another collaborated effort (I'm getting sick of that bastard) to discuss the 10 greatest games of the past decade, so at number 10, take it away John!
10. Morrowind (2002)!
John: Now you may be thinking Morrorwind, why Morrowind and not, say Oblivion. Well my first response would be to slap you steal your mastercard, shag your wife and shout at you "I'M THE GAMES REVIEWER. FUUUUUUCK OFFFF!" but then, while buying some aeroplane tickets with your mastercard to get out of the country I would think about your question and wonder why myself (can't wonder much, I got bored of Oblivion within 5 minutes, but lets gloss over that for this). Well first things first, Oblivion dosn't seem as rich in lore as Morrorwind and feels like there just barking orders at you to do stuff like an angry army general who got raped as a kid so is taking this out on you. You have no reason to do anything, and you don't even save the frigging world, it's the dead emperors son..... freeloading bastard, no wonder i went all texas chainsaw on a nearby church as soon as i got into the world. However the main reason is that Oblivion itself just feels like what it is.... A game, while Morrowind, it feels more like a world to explore, and that is why I am still doing.
9. Rome: Total War (2004)!
John: Rome Total War, the moment the Total War series hit superiority before it collapsed like a flower being squashed an elephant holding a brick (no matter what Dan says about how he thinks Medieval 2 was better, it was a good game, but no better than this.) Now to people like me Shogun and the first Medieval game where good, but not like this. Then you have Empire and Napoleon, but you can't really blame Rome Total War for those, thats like blaming a Cambridge Professor for his great great grandson being a drug taking, alcoholic who shoves his head up camesls arses for no reason. The Game itself also allowed me to try new things such as, Who would win in a fight, Snoopy, Dumbo or Crispy Bacon (it was the Pigs) or could Britain conquor the world centuries to early. I regularly go back to playing this game, and now over to Dan to tell us more. STOP DROOLING OVER THE BACON!
Dan: Yes, as John says this is not my favourite game in the Total War series, but that doesn't stop it being better than rolling around on a pile of women and money. Yes the AI is dreadful, but that makes it hilarious at times. Like when an enemy army outnumbers me so many times over that it was the equivilent to a right wing person in a History lesson (all my History lessons are so left-wing they might as well teach us: "Fuck Hitler, go Stalin!") and instead of attacking me they just continually reposition their men, giving me time to grind them down with archers. Anyway it has a solid campaigns, involving battles and started off how the Total War series should always be forever. Now, then to revise History. Hmmm, conservatism is shit, go liberalism! There, done.
8. Resident Evil 4 (2005)!
Dan: Right well, my favourite and the ONLY good game in the Resident Evil franchise. This series made me think, wow and I thought that Saw was bad for sequels (you know, like it wasn't shit enough the first fucking time), look at this Resident Evil list! Then roughly 2 years ago, I bought Resident Evil 5, and I liked it. What initially pissed me off about it was the accused racism (which wasn't as bad as Left 4 Dead 2, some guy called it racist because you kill one black zombie among the few million white ones you just blasted apart). Eventually I realised how shit it was, and bought Resident Evil 4. Unfortunately I bought it on the Wii, but that is a different story. Immediately I thought "fuck me, this is great!" when the Spanish (shush! Don't tell anyone I said that) village I was in suddenly went all cannibal on me, and I desperately ran around blasting zombies in the face, then kicking them away with all the force that puffy haired, must-have-legs-made-of-titanium (because he can take a bear trap to the leg and just walk it off, in real life he'd have no leg to walk it off with), unlucky fool Leon Kennedy. Yes, Ashley's cries of help are so annoying I often let her die with the sound turned down to satisfy my anger, but this is one hell of a game.
7. Beyond Good and Evil (2003)!
John: Beyond Good and Evil, one of the most painfully underrated games of all time, the fact people haven’t heard of it makes me want to bang my head against a wall constantly until I’m bleeding and I can’t remember my own name (it’s even worse when they haven’t heard of Half Life, but that's the console lot for you), it had everything you could ever wish for in a game. Diverse game play which is so diverse it feels the opposite of Saudi Arabia or the Call of Duty series, great visuals and soundtrack and extremely good characters, like a giant pig called Pey’j who would probably make great bacon. However it could hold an award for its actual achievement. It was released on all major consoles to great reviews but somehow managed to fall faster than a guys with an anvil on his back rather than a parachute, on top of a whale. Why was this, maybe the lack of advertisement, or that it was released by an unknown company? However if you did play it, it takes all the good parts out of Zelda, and murders all the awful parts by putting it into a blender and allowing it to be squashed by a truck. It was hugely accessible, and allowed you to play the game in any way you wished, except the way in which you shout the world is going to end, and place the console on your head to stop the aliens from reading your mind after you’ve exploded the TV with a nuclear missile. Play this game now or I’ll personally come round to your house and blow it up with my army of exploding topiary bushes shaped like penises off of Minecraft.
6. Metal Gear Solid 3 (2004)!
The Metal Gear Solid series, the gaming series which sounds as a whole, along with most of the characters, like one huge Sexual Metaphor. SOLID Snake hahaha. (Then again, have you ever played Call of Duty 2: Big Red One? Badly chosen title there, it makes it sound like you’re playing as a swollen bell end where you go around slapping people to death with it.) And that’s just the title, but no, it still didn’t put people off, so to try even harder to put people off playing this series, Hideo Kojima decided to put cut scenes into the game which you would only be able to watch if you have no job so instead spend all day masturbating over men crawling around in mud, while thinking about ways you can blow puppies up with nukes, kinda like George Bush. However, this still didn’t make the game awful and instead, underneath all these long cut scenes, they made one of my favourite game series of all time, the best being Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. Yes it has a name that seems even more of a sexual metaphor than the rest of this series... Hahaha Snake Eater, that could mean blowjob hahaha... are jokes that mainly are thrown around like stones in Iran at a lesbian woman without a veil, however a name doesn’t make a game does it (unless it has the words Call of Duty in it) so let’s ignore that and concentrate on the game, and boy it is good with its survival game play. You need to change your Camouflage to fit in with the nearby surroundings (unlike MGS’ 4, which game me Octo Camo, a suit which makes you look like a Porn star with leather fetishes.) You also had to kill animals to eat and restore stamina (even snakes *snigger*), while you need to treat his injuries to be able to get to full health. Plus it doesn’t have Raiden, that wimpy girly cunt who looks like he’s just stepped out of ballet. In MGS 4 he even makes Cyborg Ninjas look like they would enjoy a Justin Bieber concert in Brighton. I can’t remember a game where I wish to play as somebody who would rather wave a rainbow flag instead of his enemies now red, surrender flag.
5. Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (2007)!
Dan: Well 3 words sum up how great this game is: nuke, ghillie and multiplayer. Since John is taking the last one, I'll start with the first two. The campaign of this game is so compelling, even though it sounds like the most generic plot ever, so generic is could rival "hello" when you see someone. The plot revolves around Arab Terrorists, Russian communists and nuclear weapons. That sentence alone would nowadays put me off these games, like Call of Duty Black Ops where you can fight the dream American enemies all in one game: Communists, Vietnamese, British and Nazis. The only thing that's missing is a starting level in Afghanistan. Anyway this was the game that revolutionised Call of Duty and made it what it is today. Call of Duty 3 was awful but no one had ever heard of it, so that's alright. When CoD 4 came along it was beyond awesome, (particularly the nuke scene, I mean it could only have been more awesome if some naked lesbians were having sex and you got to crawl towards THEM in your dying breath) but then CoD went downhill again, as Treyarch developed the next game. Fuck, Treyarch's development must include: buy a copy of Call of Duty 4 (or rent, we're on a tight budget! You know, because we're FUCKING SHIT!), change the graphics a little to change it to a WW2 Pacific setting, then release it brand new. But I'm getting off topic. The reason the word Ghillie is on their is because of the brilliant sniping mission where stealth is your only chance of survival (unless you're on Recruit, in which case it's a bit like playing the Heavy on Team Fortress 2 against a load of idiots who don't know the controls). So to sum up, Call of Duty 4 is incredible. Over to John.
John: Call of Duty 4, or Call of Duty Before they got Shit, is obviously great and, unlike most FPS with the words Call of Duty or Medal of Honor (it’s Honour cunts) shoehorned on the front like a stripper in a physics video to get the men’s attention half way through, this has a story, not a corridor to walk down while a load of Americans wank themselves over guns before a finale were Sergeant Awesome Mcapplepie Washington Bush sticks a large American flag into the British, Nazi, Communist, Muslim’s body while Star Spangled Banner plays over the top. This, however, has all the Americans die off in the middle after they all spunk over how awesome they are causing the largest explosion in the history of awesomeness (created circa 1776 with the declaration of independence), actually no, they all die because there all retards and there trying to be heroic when instead there just stupid, and shagging a nuke, unlike the British. And now I’ve realised I’ve taken up way to much of this talking about random things instead of the multiplayer, so I’ll say, it was ok, better than the rest of the Call of Duty’s, however this still feels like a run down a long, dark tunnel with a bright light at the other end. In Layman’s terms, You Walk in, you walk out 10 days later no better off. Anyway, to wrap this up, at least the online is balanced, unlike the kill streaks on Modern Warfare 2 onwards, which punishes noobs for being noobs until they quit as it is less balanced than a man with one leg, on a Half Life see saw holding Jabba the Hutt.
4. Armed and Dangerous (2003)!
Dan: OK, this was never going to win any awards but this is an incredible game. Just like John's Beyond Good and Evil review, this game is criminally underrated. Wait a minute, you may say with your stupid hat on and your jeans half way down your arse (I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!), if Armed and Dangerous wouldn't win any awards then why is it on this list? The reason is simple: it's hilarious. It's the funniest game I've ever played in my life, by far. It makes Portal look like a Friedberg and Seltzer film. OK the gameplay is average and there isn't a huge variety of enemies but the story takes the piss out of itself in a way that makes me think "wow I love this game". I mean come on the Land-Shark gun? A gun that fires sharks that eat enemies from under the ground? And the World's Smallest Black Hole that is sort of self explanatory? These two things alone are so funny and awesome that Armed and Dangerous is an incredible game.
3. World Of Warcraft (2004)!
John: World of Warcraft, the soul sucking game which has probably ravaged the world more than a nuclear holocaust started by cats. It’s more addictive than a blended mix of heroin and cocaine seasoned with tobacco and being smoked by two naked lesbians who want a threesome, however, at one time this game would probably have been my favourite of all time. Yes it grinds more than a rock crusher with a chainsaw up its exhaust because for some reason it feels you haven’t had enough fun killing 9 of these fucking creatures already so you have to kill 1 more. It makes you feel like a serial killer working at a butchers. The whole game leaves your life about as beneficial as a polar bear in Afghanistan without a bomb. However, even though there are all these minor complaints, the game itself is actually more fun than a bath filled with money and laser weapons. They constantly add more content, and have made there more to do than in my actual life, which involves sitting on a chair writing these reviews for fuck knows who. They have steadily made it easier and the content more varied as updates are released. Especially now with Cataclysm, where they also introduce two new races, including Goblins which are basically just gnomes spray painted green and genetically modified to have big ears. They get to start off driving about in a theme park created by some engineer on crack, while the other new race are the Worgen, which seem to be populated by chimney sweeps who love Twilight, so I’m surprised they haven’t got names such as Edward, Starshine or Winky Dick. All in all, I love this game, particularly now when I don’t need to collect 10 of everything and could probably blow up the sun instead. I don’t play it anymore though, so this makes me kind of hypocritical.
Dan: The biggest problem I have with WoW is the stereotypes everyone associates with it. This guy plays WoW? WOW WHAT A LOSER HAHA! Isn't WoW that game that's killed LOADS of people? etc. etc. The actual game is spectacular, but the stereotypes have been forced into my skull so often by everyone (except the people who play WoW funnily enough) I always feel guilty when playing. Since John has pretty much said exactly what I feel about this game, the bastard, I'll just have a laugh at the controversies attached to it. WoW is a diamond for all the stupid fucking video game hating twats as it can be so addictive it has killed quite a few people. Now while they pretend to be outraged by this, I try to stop myself pissing with laughter, I mean come on, anyone who plays WoW that much must have a daily routine of: Play WoW, change adult nappy, grope to the side for peanuts, play Wow, pass out from exhaustion, come around, play WoW. Anyone who lives like that deserves to die. As you can probably tell by now, I'm struggling for things to say, so I'll rap it up here and move on to my favourite game of all time (but not the game of the decade).
2. Halo: Combat Evolved! (2001)
Dan: Words cannot describe how I feel about this game. To come even close I'd need to be mid-orgasm at the time, and since that can't happen right now, I'll just talk about different parts. The game's story is extremely original and compelling, but you will probably never hear this from anyone else except me, because... well because its the same storyline that was in Halo 3, Halo 3: ODST and Halo: Reach used it. Halo: Combat Evolved was the first and best Halo game, breathtaking gameplay for its time, wah wah the graphics were shit WELL GRAPHICS DON'T FUCKING MATTER DO THEY!?! A few minor complaints include the sometimes crap weapons, like the needler, that looks so badass at first its ass must have been sent to jail fifty times and had an ass the size of Jupiter, the needler turns out to sound like a anxious nerd trying to ask a giant wrestler where the Warhammer models are and does about as much damage as flicking peas at the enemy. To finish off, everything in the game blends together perfectly, the vehicle sections, the story, the enemies, the different environments, they all combine together to create something that became my favourite game ever. However, even though it is my favourite game, that does NOT mean it is the best game of the decade, as that is what follows:
1. Half-Life 2!
John: Half Life 2, ah Half life 2, one of the true loves in my life, like an American and Cheeseburgers. It is easily the greatest game of the last decade and perhaps all time (maybe Deus Ex, but I’ve not played that because well... I don’t know why I’ve not played it; it’s been on my computer for years.) Anyway back to Half Life 2 and just talking about it turns me into a gibbering husk bla blue de dah. YOU MONSTERS, YOU’VE JUST MADE ME BRAIN DEA... oh I’m fine. So, the graphics have aged extremely well, like an old woman addicted to Botox and still feel like they could stand up with most modern games artistically. The game is extremely fun to play through still, with its variation of enemies and puzzles, which aren’t too hard but also don’t treat you like a retard that is using his dunce cap instead of his gun. The storyline also still feels as new as a dog which can breathe fire from his mouth, and as crisp to. It is easily the best I’ve ever played in any game, especially compared to the “realistic” shooters of modern times, which consist of Bang Bang, Shoot Shoot NOW LOOK AT OUR MULTIPLAYER. It really dragged me into the story, except Gordon Freeman’s muteness, they could have offered to wax his chest as he flew into the sun and they would still have seen it as him agreeing. Perhaps he has a large palette of facial expressions. Even the best game has some faults though, such as the endless use of Headcrabs, yes we get it guys there the most popular alien WE DON’T NEED THEM CONSTANTLY. It’s like the design meeting of some level consisted of “How could we improve this level, oh I know, put another headcrab round this corner because that's never been done before.” They also use Seesaw puzzles every few seconds as well; I’ve completed more see saws than a playground planner. However it still comes through these faults and is the best game of the decade. Plus Antlions, antlions are cool. It makes me feel like Napoleon.... if he had access to aliens. Napoleon would have won with Antlions.
Dan: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG MUM GET ME A TOWEL...! I love this game. I love it. The pacing is incredible, I think it has the best pacing I've ever seen in a game, the opening levels bring you into the story and gradually build up, leaving you wanting more even after that fucking Ravenholm level. Anyway the climax of the game is breathtakingly brilliant, thanks to the pacing that leaves it easily the best part of the game. In a lot of ways, Half Life 2 is like sexual intercourse. It starts off slow and feels good, but then gets faster and faster and better and better until it climaxes, and seminal fluid sprays everywhere. Well the analogy broke down there but you get the general gist of it. As for bad points, I guess you could say the Ravenholm level, but deep down I actually see how that is pretty good level, it mixes up the normal gameplay considerably. Sure it's unbelievably annoying when a zombie pushes you off a ledge you spent half an hour getting to but... well I'm not sure where I'm going with this. The major annoyance in the game are the FUCKING loading screens. They come everytime there's a lull in the game where nothing is really going on and make it so everything stops suddenly, not very good in immersion terms. What's worse is they last for about 15 seconds, which isn't as bad as some PS3 games but is bad enough to make me cry out with frustration by the end of it. These however are tolerable compared to the epicness of the majesty of the brilliance of the... you know what who cares what I think GET THIS GAME RIGHT NOW! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW N...
Dan: Well one decade is over, the years 2000-2010 saw a massive amount of great games, but an even greater amount of god-awful games. Today, me and John Smith will do yet another collaborated effort (I'm getting sick of that bastard) to discuss the 10 greatest games of the past decade, so at number 10, take it away John!
10. Morrowind (2002)!
John: Now you may be thinking Morrorwind, why Morrowind and not, say Oblivion. Well my first response would be to slap you steal your mastercard, shag your wife and shout at you "I'M THE GAMES REVIEWER. FUUUUUUCK OFFFF!" but then, while buying some aeroplane tickets with your mastercard to get out of the country I would think about your question and wonder why myself (can't wonder much, I got bored of Oblivion within 5 minutes, but lets gloss over that for this). Well first things first, Oblivion dosn't seem as rich in lore as Morrorwind and feels like there just barking orders at you to do stuff like an angry army general who got raped as a kid so is taking this out on you. You have no reason to do anything, and you don't even save the frigging world, it's the dead emperors son..... freeloading bastard, no wonder i went all texas chainsaw on a nearby church as soon as i got into the world. However the main reason is that Oblivion itself just feels like what it is.... A game, while Morrowind, it feels more like a world to explore, and that is why I am still doing.
9. Rome: Total War (2004)!
John: Rome Total War, the moment the Total War series hit superiority before it collapsed like a flower being squashed an elephant holding a brick (no matter what Dan says about how he thinks Medieval 2 was better, it was a good game, but no better than this.) Now to people like me Shogun and the first Medieval game where good, but not like this. Then you have Empire and Napoleon, but you can't really blame Rome Total War for those, thats like blaming a Cambridge Professor for his great great grandson being a drug taking, alcoholic who shoves his head up camesls arses for no reason. The Game itself also allowed me to try new things such as, Who would win in a fight, Snoopy, Dumbo or Crispy Bacon (it was the Pigs) or could Britain conquor the world centuries to early. I regularly go back to playing this game, and now over to Dan to tell us more. STOP DROOLING OVER THE BACON!
Dan: Yes, as John says this is not my favourite game in the Total War series, but that doesn't stop it being better than rolling around on a pile of women and money. Yes the AI is dreadful, but that makes it hilarious at times. Like when an enemy army outnumbers me so many times over that it was the equivilent to a right wing person in a History lesson (all my History lessons are so left-wing they might as well teach us: "Fuck Hitler, go Stalin!") and instead of attacking me they just continually reposition their men, giving me time to grind them down with archers. Anyway it has a solid campaigns, involving battles and started off how the Total War series should always be forever. Now, then to revise History. Hmmm, conservatism is shit, go liberalism! There, done.
8. Resident Evil 4 (2005)!
Dan: Right well, my favourite and the ONLY good game in the Resident Evil franchise. This series made me think, wow and I thought that Saw was bad for sequels (you know, like it wasn't shit enough the first fucking time), look at this Resident Evil list! Then roughly 2 years ago, I bought Resident Evil 5, and I liked it. What initially pissed me off about it was the accused racism (which wasn't as bad as Left 4 Dead 2, some guy called it racist because you kill one black zombie among the few million white ones you just blasted apart). Eventually I realised how shit it was, and bought Resident Evil 4. Unfortunately I bought it on the Wii, but that is a different story. Immediately I thought "fuck me, this is great!" when the Spanish (shush! Don't tell anyone I said that) village I was in suddenly went all cannibal on me, and I desperately ran around blasting zombies in the face, then kicking them away with all the force that puffy haired, must-have-legs-made-of-titanium (because he can take a bear trap to the leg and just walk it off, in real life he'd have no leg to walk it off with), unlucky fool Leon Kennedy. Yes, Ashley's cries of help are so annoying I often let her die with the sound turned down to satisfy my anger, but this is one hell of a game.
7. Beyond Good and Evil (2003)!
John: Beyond Good and Evil, one of the most painfully underrated games of all time, the fact people haven’t heard of it makes me want to bang my head against a wall constantly until I’m bleeding and I can’t remember my own name (it’s even worse when they haven’t heard of Half Life, but that's the console lot for you), it had everything you could ever wish for in a game. Diverse game play which is so diverse it feels the opposite of Saudi Arabia or the Call of Duty series, great visuals and soundtrack and extremely good characters, like a giant pig called Pey’j who would probably make great bacon. However it could hold an award for its actual achievement. It was released on all major consoles to great reviews but somehow managed to fall faster than a guys with an anvil on his back rather than a parachute, on top of a whale. Why was this, maybe the lack of advertisement, or that it was released by an unknown company? However if you did play it, it takes all the good parts out of Zelda, and murders all the awful parts by putting it into a blender and allowing it to be squashed by a truck. It was hugely accessible, and allowed you to play the game in any way you wished, except the way in which you shout the world is going to end, and place the console on your head to stop the aliens from reading your mind after you’ve exploded the TV with a nuclear missile. Play this game now or I’ll personally come round to your house and blow it up with my army of exploding topiary bushes shaped like penises off of Minecraft.
6. Metal Gear Solid 3 (2004)!
The Metal Gear Solid series, the gaming series which sounds as a whole, along with most of the characters, like one huge Sexual Metaphor. SOLID Snake hahaha. (Then again, have you ever played Call of Duty 2: Big Red One? Badly chosen title there, it makes it sound like you’re playing as a swollen bell end where you go around slapping people to death with it.) And that’s just the title, but no, it still didn’t put people off, so to try even harder to put people off playing this series, Hideo Kojima decided to put cut scenes into the game which you would only be able to watch if you have no job so instead spend all day masturbating over men crawling around in mud, while thinking about ways you can blow puppies up with nukes, kinda like George Bush. However, this still didn’t make the game awful and instead, underneath all these long cut scenes, they made one of my favourite game series of all time, the best being Metal Gear Solid 3: Snake Eater. Yes it has a name that seems even more of a sexual metaphor than the rest of this series... Hahaha Snake Eater, that could mean blowjob hahaha... are jokes that mainly are thrown around like stones in Iran at a lesbian woman without a veil, however a name doesn’t make a game does it (unless it has the words Call of Duty in it) so let’s ignore that and concentrate on the game, and boy it is good with its survival game play. You need to change your Camouflage to fit in with the nearby surroundings (unlike MGS’ 4, which game me Octo Camo, a suit which makes you look like a Porn star with leather fetishes.) You also had to kill animals to eat and restore stamina (even snakes *snigger*), while you need to treat his injuries to be able to get to full health. Plus it doesn’t have Raiden, that wimpy girly cunt who looks like he’s just stepped out of ballet. In MGS 4 he even makes Cyborg Ninjas look like they would enjoy a Justin Bieber concert in Brighton. I can’t remember a game where I wish to play as somebody who would rather wave a rainbow flag instead of his enemies now red, surrender flag.
5. Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare (2007)!
Dan: Well 3 words sum up how great this game is: nuke, ghillie and multiplayer. Since John is taking the last one, I'll start with the first two. The campaign of this game is so compelling, even though it sounds like the most generic plot ever, so generic is could rival "hello" when you see someone. The plot revolves around Arab Terrorists, Russian communists and nuclear weapons. That sentence alone would nowadays put me off these games, like Call of Duty Black Ops where you can fight the dream American enemies all in one game: Communists, Vietnamese, British and Nazis. The only thing that's missing is a starting level in Afghanistan. Anyway this was the game that revolutionised Call of Duty and made it what it is today. Call of Duty 3 was awful but no one had ever heard of it, so that's alright. When CoD 4 came along it was beyond awesome, (particularly the nuke scene, I mean it could only have been more awesome if some naked lesbians were having sex and you got to crawl towards THEM in your dying breath) but then CoD went downhill again, as Treyarch developed the next game. Fuck, Treyarch's development must include: buy a copy of Call of Duty 4 (or rent, we're on a tight budget! You know, because we're FUCKING SHIT!), change the graphics a little to change it to a WW2 Pacific setting, then release it brand new. But I'm getting off topic. The reason the word Ghillie is on their is because of the brilliant sniping mission where stealth is your only chance of survival (unless you're on Recruit, in which case it's a bit like playing the Heavy on Team Fortress 2 against a load of idiots who don't know the controls). So to sum up, Call of Duty 4 is incredible. Over to John.
John: Call of Duty 4, or Call of Duty Before they got Shit, is obviously great and, unlike most FPS with the words Call of Duty or Medal of Honor (it’s Honour cunts) shoehorned on the front like a stripper in a physics video to get the men’s attention half way through, this has a story, not a corridor to walk down while a load of Americans wank themselves over guns before a finale were Sergeant Awesome Mcapplepie Washington Bush sticks a large American flag into the British, Nazi, Communist, Muslim’s body while Star Spangled Banner plays over the top. This, however, has all the Americans die off in the middle after they all spunk over how awesome they are causing the largest explosion in the history of awesomeness (created circa 1776 with the declaration of independence), actually no, they all die because there all retards and there trying to be heroic when instead there just stupid, and shagging a nuke, unlike the British. And now I’ve realised I’ve taken up way to much of this talking about random things instead of the multiplayer, so I’ll say, it was ok, better than the rest of the Call of Duty’s, however this still feels like a run down a long, dark tunnel with a bright light at the other end. In Layman’s terms, You Walk in, you walk out 10 days later no better off. Anyway, to wrap this up, at least the online is balanced, unlike the kill streaks on Modern Warfare 2 onwards, which punishes noobs for being noobs until they quit as it is less balanced than a man with one leg, on a Half Life see saw holding Jabba the Hutt.
4. Armed and Dangerous (2003)!
Dan: OK, this was never going to win any awards but this is an incredible game. Just like John's Beyond Good and Evil review, this game is criminally underrated. Wait a minute, you may say with your stupid hat on and your jeans half way down your arse (I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!), if Armed and Dangerous wouldn't win any awards then why is it on this list? The reason is simple: it's hilarious. It's the funniest game I've ever played in my life, by far. It makes Portal look like a Friedberg and Seltzer film. OK the gameplay is average and there isn't a huge variety of enemies but the story takes the piss out of itself in a way that makes me think "wow I love this game". I mean come on the Land-Shark gun? A gun that fires sharks that eat enemies from under the ground? And the World's Smallest Black Hole that is sort of self explanatory? These two things alone are so funny and awesome that Armed and Dangerous is an incredible game.
3. World Of Warcraft (2004)!
John: World of Warcraft, the soul sucking game which has probably ravaged the world more than a nuclear holocaust started by cats. It’s more addictive than a blended mix of heroin and cocaine seasoned with tobacco and being smoked by two naked lesbians who want a threesome, however, at one time this game would probably have been my favourite of all time. Yes it grinds more than a rock crusher with a chainsaw up its exhaust because for some reason it feels you haven’t had enough fun killing 9 of these fucking creatures already so you have to kill 1 more. It makes you feel like a serial killer working at a butchers. The whole game leaves your life about as beneficial as a polar bear in Afghanistan without a bomb. However, even though there are all these minor complaints, the game itself is actually more fun than a bath filled with money and laser weapons. They constantly add more content, and have made there more to do than in my actual life, which involves sitting on a chair writing these reviews for fuck knows who. They have steadily made it easier and the content more varied as updates are released. Especially now with Cataclysm, where they also introduce two new races, including Goblins which are basically just gnomes spray painted green and genetically modified to have big ears. They get to start off driving about in a theme park created by some engineer on crack, while the other new race are the Worgen, which seem to be populated by chimney sweeps who love Twilight, so I’m surprised they haven’t got names such as Edward, Starshine or Winky Dick. All in all, I love this game, particularly now when I don’t need to collect 10 of everything and could probably blow up the sun instead. I don’t play it anymore though, so this makes me kind of hypocritical.
Dan: The biggest problem I have with WoW is the stereotypes everyone associates with it. This guy plays WoW? WOW WHAT A LOSER HAHA! Isn't WoW that game that's killed LOADS of people? etc. etc. The actual game is spectacular, but the stereotypes have been forced into my skull so often by everyone (except the people who play WoW funnily enough) I always feel guilty when playing. Since John has pretty much said exactly what I feel about this game, the bastard, I'll just have a laugh at the controversies attached to it. WoW is a diamond for all the stupid fucking video game hating twats as it can be so addictive it has killed quite a few people. Now while they pretend to be outraged by this, I try to stop myself pissing with laughter, I mean come on, anyone who plays WoW that much must have a daily routine of: Play WoW, change adult nappy, grope to the side for peanuts, play Wow, pass out from exhaustion, come around, play WoW. Anyone who lives like that deserves to die. As you can probably tell by now, I'm struggling for things to say, so I'll rap it up here and move on to my favourite game of all time (but not the game of the decade).
2. Halo: Combat Evolved! (2001)
Dan: Words cannot describe how I feel about this game. To come even close I'd need to be mid-orgasm at the time, and since that can't happen right now, I'll just talk about different parts. The game's story is extremely original and compelling, but you will probably never hear this from anyone else except me, because... well because its the same storyline that was in Halo 3, Halo 3: ODST and Halo: Reach used it. Halo: Combat Evolved was the first and best Halo game, breathtaking gameplay for its time, wah wah the graphics were shit WELL GRAPHICS DON'T FUCKING MATTER DO THEY!?! A few minor complaints include the sometimes crap weapons, like the needler, that looks so badass at first its ass must have been sent to jail fifty times and had an ass the size of Jupiter, the needler turns out to sound like a anxious nerd trying to ask a giant wrestler where the Warhammer models are and does about as much damage as flicking peas at the enemy. To finish off, everything in the game blends together perfectly, the vehicle sections, the story, the enemies, the different environments, they all combine together to create something that became my favourite game ever. However, even though it is my favourite game, that does NOT mean it is the best game of the decade, as that is what follows:
1. Half-Life 2!
John: Half Life 2, ah Half life 2, one of the true loves in my life, like an American and Cheeseburgers. It is easily the greatest game of the last decade and perhaps all time (maybe Deus Ex, but I’ve not played that because well... I don’t know why I’ve not played it; it’s been on my computer for years.) Anyway back to Half Life 2 and just talking about it turns me into a gibbering husk bla blue de dah. YOU MONSTERS, YOU’VE JUST MADE ME BRAIN DEA... oh I’m fine. So, the graphics have aged extremely well, like an old woman addicted to Botox and still feel like they could stand up with most modern games artistically. The game is extremely fun to play through still, with its variation of enemies and puzzles, which aren’t too hard but also don’t treat you like a retard that is using his dunce cap instead of his gun. The storyline also still feels as new as a dog which can breathe fire from his mouth, and as crisp to. It is easily the best I’ve ever played in any game, especially compared to the “realistic” shooters of modern times, which consist of Bang Bang, Shoot Shoot NOW LOOK AT OUR MULTIPLAYER. It really dragged me into the story, except Gordon Freeman’s muteness, they could have offered to wax his chest as he flew into the sun and they would still have seen it as him agreeing. Perhaps he has a large palette of facial expressions. Even the best game has some faults though, such as the endless use of Headcrabs, yes we get it guys there the most popular alien WE DON’T NEED THEM CONSTANTLY. It’s like the design meeting of some level consisted of “How could we improve this level, oh I know, put another headcrab round this corner because that's never been done before.” They also use Seesaw puzzles every few seconds as well; I’ve completed more see saws than a playground planner. However it still comes through these faults and is the best game of the decade. Plus Antlions, antlions are cool. It makes me feel like Napoleon.... if he had access to aliens. Napoleon would have won with Antlions.
Dan: OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG MUM GET ME A TOWEL...! I love this game. I love it. The pacing is incredible, I think it has the best pacing I've ever seen in a game, the opening levels bring you into the story and gradually build up, leaving you wanting more even after that fucking Ravenholm level. Anyway the climax of the game is breathtakingly brilliant, thanks to the pacing that leaves it easily the best part of the game. In a lot of ways, Half Life 2 is like sexual intercourse. It starts off slow and feels good, but then gets faster and faster and better and better until it climaxes, and seminal fluid sprays everywhere. Well the analogy broke down there but you get the general gist of it. As for bad points, I guess you could say the Ravenholm level, but deep down I actually see how that is pretty good level, it mixes up the normal gameplay considerably. Sure it's unbelievably annoying when a zombie pushes you off a ledge you spent half an hour getting to but... well I'm not sure where I'm going with this. The major annoyance in the game are the FUCKING loading screens. They come everytime there's a lull in the game where nothing is really going on and make it so everything stops suddenly, not very good in immersion terms. What's worse is they last for about 15 seconds, which isn't as bad as some PS3 games but is bad enough to make me cry out with frustration by the end of it. These however are tolerable compared to the epicness of the majesty of the brilliance of the... you know what who cares what I think GET THIS GAME RIGHT NOW! NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW N...
Saturday, 26 March 2011
Montages and Zzirgrizz
Montages are the gaming worlds equivalent of you’ve been framed, even up to the point that I would rather stick my head into a blender than watch either. The standard montage includes a bunch of nobs, ooooohing and ahhhhhing over kills which we mere mortals shouldn’t even be able to watch without our heads exploding, as if they were falling down a well.
And just to kick more sand into my already hurting wounds, most are done on the Black ops multiplayer, a game which is more painful for me to play than being punched constantly by David Haye in the balls. It is full of tweleve year old kids who have, if you take everything they say as fact, officially shagged my mum more times that there are condoms in the world, and these are usually the sort of people who make montages, probably while being bottle fed and burped after dinner. Awwww who’s the annoying liccle Cod player.
That is, except the greatest Call of Duty player in the history of man, and probably came into being after God shagged Jesus, and his name, (everyone bow in awe) Zzirgrizz. Actually no, he’s just as big of a cunt as the rest of them. People go on and on about him being the greatest player ever, probably because if they stop he’d shoot there cats or something. His name reminds me of a dyslexic with ADHD falling asleep on the keyboard. He may as well have been called jkgdskahkhcd, or just prick.
People say he’s the greatest Call of Duty player of all time, but I do not see what’s special about him, his Kill to Death ratio is about the same as almost everyone else I know who plays Black ops (except mine, but the games shitter than a cow field), and his play time makes him seem like he lives in some parallel universe in which time has been banned by law, so he can play it for however many 100’s of hours he has. After that much time I’d have probably gone crazy and started torturing my pet dog, or imagining I’m in the mind of a cunt, being a cunt, making cuntish videos, kinda like him.
He probably sits at home, shaving his pubes, while eating more food than is owned by an American Mcdonalds. He is more of a stereotypical geek than the average wow player is a nerd and a murderer after being classed so by the Daily Mail because one happened to live near Madeline McCann. However I won’t let his life do the talking, as he probably doesn’t have one, and is too tired to even start talking about it because he lifted his finger, so we’ll concentrate on one of his Montages, as they are all more similar than something which is very similar to a thing it is very similar to.
Well the montage I have chosen is his recent Christmas one, and it starts off basically the same as all of them, except it seems to have a paedophilic Mexican breathing heavily down the mic at the start, however this soon cuts off to the standard kills he seems to be doing every game, with his eys shut, while taking his goldfish out to be neutered, but he doesn’t, as you can tell from him flashing between maps and classes as if he’s trying to make epileptics seizure with the power of movie maker. He must do about 10 games to just get one kill like that, and if I ever had time to do that, I wouldn’t. Seriously with that much time I’d at least do something more interesting than licking a TV screen all day.
And then you have his other videos, which are about as good as a secret meeting between Pol Pot, Adolf Hitler, and Joseph Stalin fighting other who had the best genocidal techniques. You have him droning on and on about how his place on the ranking ladder show how good he is, all the while you get him being shot to pieces by a cat playing guitar hero. However his “fans” and by that I mean Rentboys and by that I mean people who always give him blowjobs, make up more excuses for him than his mum, when his doctor told him he was obese. This guy is only good at being lifted by a crane to KFC.
So please stop making your cuntish videos Zzirgrizz, or I will come round to your house and take all your food and your Xbox, so you will have to cry in your sleep, probably leading to your heart attack. Now fuck off you twat.
And just to kick more sand into my already hurting wounds, most are done on the Black ops multiplayer, a game which is more painful for me to play than being punched constantly by David Haye in the balls. It is full of tweleve year old kids who have, if you take everything they say as fact, officially shagged my mum more times that there are condoms in the world, and these are usually the sort of people who make montages, probably while being bottle fed and burped after dinner. Awwww who’s the annoying liccle Cod player.
That is, except the greatest Call of Duty player in the history of man, and probably came into being after God shagged Jesus, and his name, (everyone bow in awe) Zzirgrizz. Actually no, he’s just as big of a cunt as the rest of them. People go on and on about him being the greatest player ever, probably because if they stop he’d shoot there cats or something. His name reminds me of a dyslexic with ADHD falling asleep on the keyboard. He may as well have been called jkgdskahkhcd, or just prick.
People say he’s the greatest Call of Duty player of all time, but I do not see what’s special about him, his Kill to Death ratio is about the same as almost everyone else I know who plays Black ops (except mine, but the games shitter than a cow field), and his play time makes him seem like he lives in some parallel universe in which time has been banned by law, so he can play it for however many 100’s of hours he has. After that much time I’d have probably gone crazy and started torturing my pet dog, or imagining I’m in the mind of a cunt, being a cunt, making cuntish videos, kinda like him.
He probably sits at home, shaving his pubes, while eating more food than is owned by an American Mcdonalds. He is more of a stereotypical geek than the average wow player is a nerd and a murderer after being classed so by the Daily Mail because one happened to live near Madeline McCann. However I won’t let his life do the talking, as he probably doesn’t have one, and is too tired to even start talking about it because he lifted his finger, so we’ll concentrate on one of his Montages, as they are all more similar than something which is very similar to a thing it is very similar to.
Well the montage I have chosen is his recent Christmas one, and it starts off basically the same as all of them, except it seems to have a paedophilic Mexican breathing heavily down the mic at the start, however this soon cuts off to the standard kills he seems to be doing every game, with his eys shut, while taking his goldfish out to be neutered, but he doesn’t, as you can tell from him flashing between maps and classes as if he’s trying to make epileptics seizure with the power of movie maker. He must do about 10 games to just get one kill like that, and if I ever had time to do that, I wouldn’t. Seriously with that much time I’d at least do something more interesting than licking a TV screen all day.
And then you have his other videos, which are about as good as a secret meeting between Pol Pot, Adolf Hitler, and Joseph Stalin fighting other who had the best genocidal techniques. You have him droning on and on about how his place on the ranking ladder show how good he is, all the while you get him being shot to pieces by a cat playing guitar hero. However his “fans” and by that I mean Rentboys and by that I mean people who always give him blowjobs, make up more excuses for him than his mum, when his doctor told him he was obese. This guy is only good at being lifted by a crane to KFC.
So please stop making your cuntish videos Zzirgrizz, or I will come round to your house and take all your food and your Xbox, so you will have to cry in your sleep, probably leading to your heart attack. Now fuck off you twat.
Saturday, 19 March 2011
Total War: Shogun 2 Review
Considering some bastards seemed to get more lost than Archduke Franz Ferdinand with an out of date sat nav, I received Shogun 2 a few days after every other total war lover had already torn of the wrapping, polished the cover and spunked over their monitor, so this review will not be as complete as it should be. I can’t blame some delivery company for this though can I; they may have fallen through some black hole TO A HOUSE WHICH WASN’T MINE. Actually no, there just cunts who didn’t deliver it on time, I bet they pissed on the box as well.
Anyway back to the actual game, and the first thing I noticed was the artistic style/ graphics, which are so bright and colourful that you feel like you’ve just got high in a circus while having a fight with Picasso. It takes a while to get used to, after the very similar styles of the previous total war games. The new interface is also more confusing than a hooker who looks after children at a nursery in her spare time and is training to become a nun. It takes so long to get used to you may as well sail around the world, having a boat party with Stephen Hawking and Mohatma Ghandi.
So first question, is it better than Rome or Medieval 2? Short answer no, you idiot, however this surprises me less than seeing a dog giving his inauguration speech while being tossed off by your mum in a peanut costume. Of course it wasn’t going to be better, if it was I would jump up and down like an angry guard on a trampoline. To be better than Rome or Medieval it would have to do something revolutionary, not just make you seem like you're unconscious in the local Meth lab.
The main point is though, is it better than Empire or Napoleon? And luckily the answer to this question is yes. Unlike them two, battles now don’t feel like you’ve stepped into the world’s most boring shouting match which occasionally killed people from boredom or stepping onto a rock. It was boring watching identikit soldiers shooting each other with a worse aim than Professor Aim Bad and his Technicolor shit shot. At least now we get to watch the soldiers charge in like Cod fans at a double point’s weekend. Oh and the bows don’t feel as if there being shot by Jesus anymore so can’t shoot bullets across the map at the rate of Superman after seeing an attractive woman.
So after playing a few custom battles to get myself use to the game, I, like a brain surgeon on crack, ventured into the uncharted waters of campaign. The first thing I noticed was that the money that you start with has been dropped as if it was the head of Treyarch at birth. So I started playing this campaign and I realised, compared to Empire this game is harder than a hard man with an erection. After marching all my troops’ miles away just to finish off a rebel army, the enemy decided it would be a good time to drop my pants and rape me royally up the arse. My army then had to match back quicker than Usain Bolt when he needs a shit, and defeat this army with no time to replenish. This fucked up my army so bad they may as well have all been drunk at the bottom of the ocean.
That was the moment I realised Creative Assembly had decided to give all there plucky young Japanese recruits swimming lessons, and land an army of soldiers at my back door quicker than a Formula 1 driver on speed in a jet plane, before taking my capital. Shit, perhaps starting off on Hard has become a bit more self explanatory this time.
So what else is different, oh yeah, the Naval battles, which last time felt like you were waiting for Half Life 2: Episode 3 to come out. Even on a faster speed you were still fighting as fast as it takes a tortoise to die. They were the worst part of the game, even worse than that secret movie were you can watch A George Washington sex scene with King George the 3rd which I just made up to piss off Americans and illustrate my point some more. I could somehow outnumber the enemy 3:1 and still get kicked in the balls more than a football. What had they got to fight me, the frigging Tardis. It doesn’t help that whenever I had perfectly positioned my ships to fire all my cannons at there's, my ships decided to turn around and flash there arses at the others before being pounded to dust, who had they got to captain my boats, the fucking village people.
So forgive me for being a little sceptical almighty lord when you said that the naval battles will feel more like sieges or other land based battles. But they are, so that showed me. At least the boats can move faster than a car in central London now due to the added ingredient of oars, and the use of bows on most boats now allows me shoot my enemies without caring what my retarded captains are doing. Because of all this, they are actually quite fun and you can use more tactics short of being Admiral Nelson in a submarine.
So that brings me onto the issues, and there are still some, but less noticeable, for example the AI will still occasionally start re arranging its archers like a nerd with OCD will keep re arranging the Warhammer. The generals also still seem to get to much of a hard one on whenever they see a battle and can charge into it like a rapid chipmunk, however once there in the battle they don’t seem to do much, and one of them seemed to just stand there, letting me shoot holes in his body with arrows as he was probably working out where to go on a map.
Anyway back to the actual game, and the first thing I noticed was the artistic style/ graphics, which are so bright and colourful that you feel like you’ve just got high in a circus while having a fight with Picasso. It takes a while to get used to, after the very similar styles of the previous total war games. The new interface is also more confusing than a hooker who looks after children at a nursery in her spare time and is training to become a nun. It takes so long to get used to you may as well sail around the world, having a boat party with Stephen Hawking and Mohatma Ghandi.
So first question, is it better than Rome or Medieval 2? Short answer no, you idiot, however this surprises me less than seeing a dog giving his inauguration speech while being tossed off by your mum in a peanut costume. Of course it wasn’t going to be better, if it was I would jump up and down like an angry guard on a trampoline. To be better than Rome or Medieval it would have to do something revolutionary, not just make you seem like you're unconscious in the local Meth lab.
The main point is though, is it better than Empire or Napoleon? And luckily the answer to this question is yes. Unlike them two, battles now don’t feel like you’ve stepped into the world’s most boring shouting match which occasionally killed people from boredom or stepping onto a rock. It was boring watching identikit soldiers shooting each other with a worse aim than Professor Aim Bad and his Technicolor shit shot. At least now we get to watch the soldiers charge in like Cod fans at a double point’s weekend. Oh and the bows don’t feel as if there being shot by Jesus anymore so can’t shoot bullets across the map at the rate of Superman after seeing an attractive woman.
So after playing a few custom battles to get myself use to the game, I, like a brain surgeon on crack, ventured into the uncharted waters of campaign. The first thing I noticed was that the money that you start with has been dropped as if it was the head of Treyarch at birth. So I started playing this campaign and I realised, compared to Empire this game is harder than a hard man with an erection. After marching all my troops’ miles away just to finish off a rebel army, the enemy decided it would be a good time to drop my pants and rape me royally up the arse. My army then had to match back quicker than Usain Bolt when he needs a shit, and defeat this army with no time to replenish. This fucked up my army so bad they may as well have all been drunk at the bottom of the ocean.
That was the moment I realised Creative Assembly had decided to give all there plucky young Japanese recruits swimming lessons, and land an army of soldiers at my back door quicker than a Formula 1 driver on speed in a jet plane, before taking my capital. Shit, perhaps starting off on Hard has become a bit more self explanatory this time.
So what else is different, oh yeah, the Naval battles, which last time felt like you were waiting for Half Life 2: Episode 3 to come out. Even on a faster speed you were still fighting as fast as it takes a tortoise to die. They were the worst part of the game, even worse than that secret movie were you can watch A George Washington sex scene with King George the 3rd which I just made up to piss off Americans and illustrate my point some more. I could somehow outnumber the enemy 3:1 and still get kicked in the balls more than a football. What had they got to fight me, the frigging Tardis. It doesn’t help that whenever I had perfectly positioned my ships to fire all my cannons at there's, my ships decided to turn around and flash there arses at the others before being pounded to dust, who had they got to captain my boats, the fucking village people.
So forgive me for being a little sceptical almighty lord when you said that the naval battles will feel more like sieges or other land based battles. But they are, so that showed me. At least the boats can move faster than a car in central London now due to the added ingredient of oars, and the use of bows on most boats now allows me shoot my enemies without caring what my retarded captains are doing. Because of all this, they are actually quite fun and you can use more tactics short of being Admiral Nelson in a submarine.
So that brings me onto the issues, and there are still some, but less noticeable, for example the AI will still occasionally start re arranging its archers like a nerd with OCD will keep re arranging the Warhammer. The generals also still seem to get to much of a hard one on whenever they see a battle and can charge into it like a rapid chipmunk, however once there in the battle they don’t seem to do much, and one of them seemed to just stand there, letting me shoot holes in his body with arrows as he was probably working out where to go on a map.
Saturday, 12 March 2011
Minecraft
Unless you've been stuck inside your impenetrable fortress, sticking cotton wool in your ears, while screaming Justin Bieber songs like a retard for the past 8 months your bound to have heard of Minecraft. It's like it's creators have told people to constantly mention there games on the sly so then they can stand up and say, look we did no advertising. Kinda like after the Iraq war when George Bush said that all evidence pointed to there being WMD's in Iraq. It seems I can't go 5 minutes without somebody shouting, "have you found any Diamond", or "are those magic mushrooms that they just added to the game any good."
Yes Minecraft, that game which feels like it's got Multiple Personality Syndrome, it hasn't yet worked out whether it's a casual relaxing game or one which shoves cartoon spiders and monsters in your face more often than that paedophile down the street shoves cock in your child. I'm just standing there minding my own business murdering the whole population of animals faster than Hitler can say holocaust (don't worry, the animals somehow respawn... at a fullgrown state and a personality which just makes them want to start shagging dirt blocks. I see Darwins theory went well) without a giant penis thing blowing itself up in my face.
Eventually, after hearing people rave about this game more than that strange person up the street has rang a bell shouting the end of the world is coming, I decided to buy this game because, hey, it wasn't that expensive. So that's what I did before, just after downloading, it turned out the fucking minecraft servers were down again. Eventually the game decided "hey, we've pissed him off enough now" and let the game work. So then it decided to drop me into a land onto some sand. Some nice peacful music was playing at this time but all I was doing was thinking, a shotgun would make this game better. Then ten minutes later, when the game seems to get bored of day and allow you to explore the night like that mysterious stalker who followed you yesterday, some topiary figures cut to look like dicks walked up to me and blew my legs up to the moon before some spider came and teabagged my body. STILL WANTING A SHOTGUN OVER HERE.
That pissed me off, i'm going to get revenge on these monsters, but then, after being sexual assaulted by some skeletons and there arrows, i decided to start another world, after watching some videos to help me. First thing, beat the wood with my hand, which sounds like my average day if i've got nothing better to do. Next use that wood to craft a load of other more useful wood based products until eventually you've made a pickaxe. Now the skys going dark you idiot, you should have done that quicker, now find some coal to make some torches. Now you've got the coal make some torches, you used all you wood to make pickaxes, you idiot. Quickly go out and get more before you get killed by monsters. Now dig a hole and cry yourself to sleep.
Thats basically the only thing which has any purpose in the game, now you make your own goals, which i did. I decided i wanted to make a large base and a network of smaller bases with giant towers, connecting them all together with a large walkway in the sky, those damn terrorists won't get me up there. A few hours later, while I was decorating a small bedroom i dug into a huge underground cave system a large army of explosives experts charged into by house and made it look like a mansion in Somalia. Yeah thanks for that, I always want somebody in my game to ruin my fun. Now all i've got is a load of floating towers which i cannot access.
It isn't really a game, more a playground in which your children regularly get molested by paedophiles or killed by axe wielding maniacs which spoil there fun. They may as well have got a random bully to come out and constantly kick sand in my face whenever I try and play. However it is fun and after playing it for 4 hours i realised, i'm quite enjoying this, once I had a diamond sword, so i could kill all them creatures looking like a playboy, millionare, pimp. Them bastards won't know what hit em. Oh no ive fallen into the lava again and lost all my stuff, oh for fuck sake.
Yes Minecraft, that game which feels like it's got Multiple Personality Syndrome, it hasn't yet worked out whether it's a casual relaxing game or one which shoves cartoon spiders and monsters in your face more often than that paedophile down the street shoves cock in your child. I'm just standing there minding my own business murdering the whole population of animals faster than Hitler can say holocaust (don't worry, the animals somehow respawn... at a fullgrown state and a personality which just makes them want to start shagging dirt blocks. I see Darwins theory went well) without a giant penis thing blowing itself up in my face.
Eventually, after hearing people rave about this game more than that strange person up the street has rang a bell shouting the end of the world is coming, I decided to buy this game because, hey, it wasn't that expensive. So that's what I did before, just after downloading, it turned out the fucking minecraft servers were down again. Eventually the game decided "hey, we've pissed him off enough now" and let the game work. So then it decided to drop me into a land onto some sand. Some nice peacful music was playing at this time but all I was doing was thinking, a shotgun would make this game better. Then ten minutes later, when the game seems to get bored of day and allow you to explore the night like that mysterious stalker who followed you yesterday, some topiary figures cut to look like dicks walked up to me and blew my legs up to the moon before some spider came and teabagged my body. STILL WANTING A SHOTGUN OVER HERE.
That pissed me off, i'm going to get revenge on these monsters, but then, after being sexual assaulted by some skeletons and there arrows, i decided to start another world, after watching some videos to help me. First thing, beat the wood with my hand, which sounds like my average day if i've got nothing better to do. Next use that wood to craft a load of other more useful wood based products until eventually you've made a pickaxe. Now the skys going dark you idiot, you should have done that quicker, now find some coal to make some torches. Now you've got the coal make some torches, you used all you wood to make pickaxes, you idiot. Quickly go out and get more before you get killed by monsters. Now dig a hole and cry yourself to sleep.
Thats basically the only thing which has any purpose in the game, now you make your own goals, which i did. I decided i wanted to make a large base and a network of smaller bases with giant towers, connecting them all together with a large walkway in the sky, those damn terrorists won't get me up there. A few hours later, while I was decorating a small bedroom i dug into a huge underground cave system a large army of explosives experts charged into by house and made it look like a mansion in Somalia. Yeah thanks for that, I always want somebody in my game to ruin my fun. Now all i've got is a load of floating towers which i cannot access.
It isn't really a game, more a playground in which your children regularly get molested by paedophiles or killed by axe wielding maniacs which spoil there fun. They may as well have got a random bully to come out and constantly kick sand in my face whenever I try and play. However it is fun and after playing it for 4 hours i realised, i'm quite enjoying this, once I had a diamond sword, so i could kill all them creatures looking like a playboy, millionare, pimp. Them bastards won't know what hit em. Oh no ive fallen into the lava again and lost all my stuff, oh for fuck sake.
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
Nostalgdo
Nintendo, nintendo, nintendo. When will you stop pleasing people with your great games which appear to be clones of the ones thats you made when you first started. oh yeah, YOU STOPPED THAT AFTER THE FIRST FUCKING TIMES YOU MADE THEM GAMES.
Now Dan had wrote a blog post about nintendo a few months ago and I touched on the subject in my Console Wars for Dummies but now felt like a good time to write another on the subject, why you may ask, enquistavly, like a retard might want to see if he can fly. Well the answer to your question is the impending doom of the Nintendo 3DS (otherwise knows as. We want your money, give us your money, its different, look it's different), which, when eventually released across the world, will cause the worlds largest disaster as Zelda and Mario grow to 500ft tall and stomp across cities, causing chaos and spawning countless copies of themselves (like Nintendo have been doing for years.)
Anyway back on track, the Nintendo 3DS, it's the sort of thing that would appeal to the idiots who stare at there useless, shiny white boxes made by apple, before showing other people there boxes, and then smacking the person around the face with there boxes and then tossing themselves off with there boxes and then tossing other people of with there boxes before walking down the street like one of those pricks out of any advert you see, making all the people who don't own one look like tits. F**K OF YOU F**KING TWATS.
It even has one of those snazzy nicknames which sound like it was dreamt up by the average 16 year old after a few drinks to appeal to all his tosser friends. Acctually no it dosn't, it sounds like a name thought up by a middle aged man dreaming about robots while having a shit as a way to appeal to the "coooool kids." Basically they may as well have called it the Itendo 3DS.
They say it's a 3D device which you don't need glasses for, which sounds like a great idea until you realise its a hand held device made by Nintendo, so it would probably be filled with Mario, Mario and more Mario, all the while filled up with happy colours. And to be honest, playing a small handeheld device if you needed to wear glasses would make you look like your advertising yourself to be robbed.... oh and an idiot.
The problem with Nintendo (other than my constant hate for them because of there gimmicks which make me want to grab there wii remote and shove it up Marios arse) is that there marketing office basically consists of them staring at posters of there old games before turning back around to the white board and shouting MARIO. Subsequentlly awards and gold rain down onto them, as people jump Mario up onto blocks so much he's probably got a concussion and risks not waking up. YOU MONSTERS.
Nintendo believe that they can run a gaming company on games they made 20 years ago, which for the time where great games, the first few Mario games were great and now looking back, so here the Zelda games.
The problem is, playing a small italian plumber constantly looking for a Prostitute while being sucked off by some stupid toadstool creatures gets old very, very quickly. Oh look the princess just happens to be in another IDENTICAL castle which we also didn't notice even though it seems to be a few hundred metres from our village. God those toad guys are dumb.
And then when they can't think of a slight change to the game (like there happen to be more bricks, or Mario is now better at plumbing, even though thats not what the game is about) they just re release there old games constantly, again and again, in retro packages, which they may as well label there console.
It's not just Mario who makes you feel like you've just stepped into the tardis, but theres also Zelda, where all the main characters seem to have an extremely bad case of amnesia as they forget what happened to them through the other bloody games, even going as far as forgetting how to use a sword. Theres also Donkey Kong (the first game was great), Metroid and what they seem to be doing now Wii F**king sports, in which they release to games with basically the same sports, and the new ones make you want to start banging your head against a Nuclear Bomb anyway.
As you may know I hate motion controllers and think there cheap gimmiky objects to make little old ladies coooh and awwww over games, and I think something similar about 3D things, there expensive gimiky objects that you can impress people with if they come round to one of your many dinner parties but the rest of the time it will just rest there, gaining dust as theres nothing to do on them yet.
I feel sorry for Nintendo, they have no hope and are disulussioned about how great they are.
Now Dan had wrote a blog post about nintendo a few months ago and I touched on the subject in my Console Wars for Dummies but now felt like a good time to write another on the subject, why you may ask, enquistavly, like a retard might want to see if he can fly. Well the answer to your question is the impending doom of the Nintendo 3DS (otherwise knows as. We want your money, give us your money, its different, look it's different), which, when eventually released across the world, will cause the worlds largest disaster as Zelda and Mario grow to 500ft tall and stomp across cities, causing chaos and spawning countless copies of themselves (like Nintendo have been doing for years.)
Anyway back on track, the Nintendo 3DS, it's the sort of thing that would appeal to the idiots who stare at there useless, shiny white boxes made by apple, before showing other people there boxes, and then smacking the person around the face with there boxes and then tossing themselves off with there boxes and then tossing other people of with there boxes before walking down the street like one of those pricks out of any advert you see, making all the people who don't own one look like tits. F**K OF YOU F**KING TWATS.
It even has one of those snazzy nicknames which sound like it was dreamt up by the average 16 year old after a few drinks to appeal to all his tosser friends. Acctually no it dosn't, it sounds like a name thought up by a middle aged man dreaming about robots while having a shit as a way to appeal to the "coooool kids." Basically they may as well have called it the Itendo 3DS.
They say it's a 3D device which you don't need glasses for, which sounds like a great idea until you realise its a hand held device made by Nintendo, so it would probably be filled with Mario, Mario and more Mario, all the while filled up with happy colours. And to be honest, playing a small handeheld device if you needed to wear glasses would make you look like your advertising yourself to be robbed.... oh and an idiot.
The problem with Nintendo (other than my constant hate for them because of there gimmicks which make me want to grab there wii remote and shove it up Marios arse) is that there marketing office basically consists of them staring at posters of there old games before turning back around to the white board and shouting MARIO. Subsequentlly awards and gold rain down onto them, as people jump Mario up onto blocks so much he's probably got a concussion and risks not waking up. YOU MONSTERS.
Nintendo believe that they can run a gaming company on games they made 20 years ago, which for the time where great games, the first few Mario games were great and now looking back, so here the Zelda games.
The problem is, playing a small italian plumber constantly looking for a Prostitute while being sucked off by some stupid toadstool creatures gets old very, very quickly. Oh look the princess just happens to be in another IDENTICAL castle which we also didn't notice even though it seems to be a few hundred metres from our village. God those toad guys are dumb.
And then when they can't think of a slight change to the game (like there happen to be more bricks, or Mario is now better at plumbing, even though thats not what the game is about) they just re release there old games constantly, again and again, in retro packages, which they may as well label there console.
It's not just Mario who makes you feel like you've just stepped into the tardis, but theres also Zelda, where all the main characters seem to have an extremely bad case of amnesia as they forget what happened to them through the other bloody games, even going as far as forgetting how to use a sword. Theres also Donkey Kong (the first game was great), Metroid and what they seem to be doing now Wii F**king sports, in which they release to games with basically the same sports, and the new ones make you want to start banging your head against a Nuclear Bomb anyway.
As you may know I hate motion controllers and think there cheap gimmiky objects to make little old ladies coooh and awwww over games, and I think something similar about 3D things, there expensive gimiky objects that you can impress people with if they come round to one of your many dinner parties but the rest of the time it will just rest there, gaining dust as theres nothing to do on them yet.
I feel sorry for Nintendo, they have no hope and are disulussioned about how great they are.
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