Well I’m back, after having to take a break from talking about Sucker Punch to hit myself repeatedly in the face with a chair to try and get brain damage and making me forget about the crap which was in the name. I also now know why Zack Snyder (who I fucking hate, remember) decided to call this film Sucker Punch. The Sucker part is explain what you are for paying to go watch this film you idiot, and the punch part, well that’s what is running through your brain as something you want to Zack Snyder if you ever saw him.
So anyway back to the bin, I mean film. So after this extremely annoying clip where she’s killing some random samurais it turns out she has completed the dance superbly, and we are now introduced to some guy called Blue, which makes him sound like an awful boy band. Blue is the same guy as Dr Evil a-lot, except now he has a beard that all evil people have. He couldn’t appear more evil if he had tied a sign round his neck saying “I AM AN EVIL CUNT” and had a swastika tattooed onto his forehead.
And now it’s back to the girls, as Zack Snyder has no time to develop characters so instead must cut them off so we have more time to gawp madly at the girls. At this point we also have an argument which sounds like it would be said by 5 year olds in a playground. It basically is “Can we help her breakout”, “no, and you cannot breakout without me”, “wahwah but I want to” “ok then.”
They then write down five random objects, which they probably found out about by picking their names out of a hat, onto a blackboard. However as all the characters wouldn’t be considered smart in a preschool, they leave the names of the objects on the blackboard, probably under the title, Coincidental Plot Mover Forwarder. So there they go, hopping off joyfully to go and collect their objects.
The first one they have to pick up is a map, why I dunno considering they have just had a tour of this building TWICE. All the while this is happening the main character is hallucinating again, I don’t know what she is smoking but it’s some weird stuff. This time she is hallucinating Steampunk WW1 Germans, which makes as much sense to the story as if they had her hallucinate Robot Bunnies or Cuddly Nazis. IT MAKES NO SENSE, WHAT THE FUCK HAS THIS GOT TO DO WITH A MAP. So the girls run through the trenches committing genocide on the German population. It doesn’t help that they didn’t really fight back though; they ran off faster than Usain Bolt on speed before realising, hey to kill these people we may need to attack them. Even then they don’t do anything helpful, and spend more time aiming at the girls than Gary Glitter spends looking at kids, so by the time they are about to shoot they’ve got five blades in their back. Soon enough they get the map for god knows why and leave the hallucination. Oh and they somehow shoot down a plane with a pistol as well WHAT THE FUCK, I HATE YOU ZACK SNYDER.
There is almost an identical scene for the next item they have to get, a lighter, except they basically take the backgrounds for the Lord of the Rings and put in a Lancaster Bomber. After this they give Dr Evil a-lot some more screen time, so what do they do, develop him more as a character, have him play My little Pony, show him being abused as a child which is why he’s doing this to the girls. No that’s just what a good film would do. Instead they make him even more evil for NO REASON. He just randomly goes and starts threatening the girls, what’s next guys’, giving him an evil lair shaped like a skull, with lava coming out of its mouth, while the words I’m an evil bastard are written in fire on the forehead.
Now for the final object, a kitchen knife, which they steal from the chef who looks like he's been pumped up by a bike pump powered by a jet engine. The hallucination for this scene is them trying to stop a bomb going off on a train protected by robots. So what are you trying to say then? A bomb is a metaphor for a knife? Is a Dead body also a metaphor for cuteness, maybe Hitler is a metaphor for loving Jews either way it makes more sense than this bullcrap. This whole scene is boring and nothing remotely different happens until the end, when one of the characters dies, shown by a bomb going off, but they actually died from being stabbed by the chef.
Dr Evil a-lot then walks in and sees this happening. So what does he do you may ask, well he does what every sane person would do an arrest the chef. No wait THAT'S WOULD A SANE PERSON WOULD HAVE DONE. Instead he actually takes the hot girls and tries to perform sexual fantasies with them that the weirdest teenage boy could only think of..... And then he shoots two of them, why you may ask, well I don’t know, maybe a tortoise told him to. It’s at this point that the film basically makes him give all the puppies in the world leukaemia, that’s how much of a bastard he is at this point.
The rest of this film is a blur to me; I may as well have watched it with my head cut off talking to a magic talking dolphin. I was sat next to Dan while watching it, and all I could do at this point was make sarcastic comments. The film makes less sense than a scene in an Indiana Jones film in which Indy starts shoving his cock into one of his artefacts before shooting Short Round in the face.
I was literally hitting my head against the chair in front of me by the end of the shit fest, which is about as exciting as watching dead grass grow. There are only two types of characters in this film, Fit and Stupid or extremely evil bastard and stupid. Somehow, even with roles as black and white as these the actors still could be played by scarecrows and it would make no difference whatsoever.
Their acting is at its worst when the movie tries making a bad scene. There performance is about as wooden as a wooden block being attached to another wooden block to make a big wooden block. There is no way it is possible to perform a heartfelt scene when the characters are addressing each other as Greenpea or Babybell.
And then you have the extremely stupid characters, for example one of policeman ask her if she’s ok AFTER SHE’S BEEN LOBOTOMISED. I may as well ask a lethargic onion what his favourite past time is. The enemies are also fucking retarded, they just wait for these 5 girls to run at them instead of you know, overpowering them with better weaponry and numbers. You could probably replace the enemies with toddlers and it would affect the film as much as a chicken in Australia will affect George Bush.
Oh and don’t get me started on the woman in this film. All Zack Snyder has done is choose the fittest girls and have men perform near rape fantasies on them to satisfy is inner pleasures and add nothing to the story at all except what is basically a large sign saying SOFTCORE PORN THIS WAY.... probably read by a panda. This just pissed me off, a lot of people, including some of the people who I went to watch the film with (except Dan, who got as annoyed at this film the same as me) said, when I asked why the film was great, that all the fit girls was the reason. FIT GIRLS DO NOT MAKE A FILM GREAT (unless it’s a porn film), A GOOD STORY MAKES A FILM GREAT, WITH GOOD ACTORS, NOT CHARACTERS MADE OUT OF LEGO. Then again the people who I watched this film with are the sort of people who would clap and laugh excitedly if they saw a street sign (no offence to them off course.)
Anyway that ends my review and FUCK YOU ZACK SNYDER.
No comments:
Post a Comment