July 2nd
Jonith-This is the first entry into our new journal, that we had to pick up from a trader in Stormwind City. Damn clumsy bugger called Pordit dropped it into the Nazferiti River, and we did not want to go to Stranglethorn and find where the flow had taken it. The paper would have been beyond use anyway. Damn Pordit with your stumpy Dwarf arms.
What happened in Westfall was harrowing. Whenever we followed the clues, we found a shadowy figure, who appeared to be behind the whole thing. These clues eventually lead us to Moonbrook, where the anarchists had been putting up propaganda against the King, and they where all wearing red bandanas. The Defias. My worst fears where confirmed after the transients where united together by the figure to attack Sentinal Hill.
After fleeing back their to warn them, the Shadowy Figure finally revealed herself (literally as she appeared to have no pants on much to Pordits delight) as Vannessa Van Cleef. Van Cleef a name which sends a chill down my spine, he sold me out to the corrupt guards with a bribe, sending me to the Stockade. After freeing a worgen (spit) they burn Setinal Hill to the ground, and we fled to see Varian overnight.
July 3rd
Pordit-It's been ages since I've written in this, the bloody thing was washed down the river and we've only just got a new one. So after killing gnolls and murlocs we discovered clues that pointed to the Defias as the ones behind the recent murders, and sure enough Vanessa VanCleef came into the open and openly attacked sentinel hill! Stoutmantle sent us to Varian to get help, so I change my appearance before going to him. After telling him of the situation I took a stupid chance and begged for his aid to get my treacherous nephew off of MY throne. He set his guards on me, believing me a traitor and it was only because of Jonith's quick thinking and a new haircut that we managed to escape. Stoutmantle sent us to Redridge Mountains for the time being, and I am currently in the beautiful town of lakeshire as I write this. We have killed Yowler and his pack of Gnolls, and we get to move on to the scummy Blackrock orcs! For the alliance!
Jonith- After the killing of the gnolls we where tasked with enlisting the help of true, forgotten hero of the Wars. We where asked to find one John J.Keeshan!
Sunday, 3 July 2011
Tuesday, 28 June 2011
The Diaries of Jonith of Gilneas and Pordit Bronzebeard 2
June 25th
Pordit-Finished helping the people at Eastvale today. Unfortunately we had been to a pretty wild party the night before at the Goldshire inn, so couldn't get much done. While I slept Jonith had already finished at Eastvale, so I worked hard to catch him up. Moved on to the Forest's Edge, where I was sad to see in the distance that Westfall is still looking like an evil wizard sucked all water out of the ground like a cultish sex practise. But we had more pressing matters to deal with. Hogger was still on the loose, and causing havoc, so Jonith and I wanted to take him down. He fought us long and hard, but eventually gave in the cowardly runt. The guards took him to the Stockade, amid Jonith and I's cheers. Finally we left the safety of Elwynn and found ourselves in the middle of a crime scene in Westfall. I wept when I found the Fulbrows and Old Blanchy dead. I still use her feed bag sometimes... It seems Westfall has deteriotated since I last went. Though the Defias have been removed from power, the people have descended to anarchy against honourable King Varian Wrynn. The investigators there recruited us to search for clues, and having killed many hostile beggars, we found the two suspects: the Murlocs and the Gnolls...
June 26th-June 28th
Jonith- I have not wrote in this journal for the past few days as the investigation for the murderers has taken it's toll. Which sort of living person would do this sort of thing (and if it was undead, they would have been raised by now.) However in our quest, we overheard an ogre talking to a mysterious, shadowy figure in the nearby mine. Perhaps this could be our next lead.
The rest of the pages are soggy.... (Part 3)
Pordit-Finished helping the people at Eastvale today. Unfortunately we had been to a pretty wild party the night before at the Goldshire inn, so couldn't get much done. While I slept Jonith had already finished at Eastvale, so I worked hard to catch him up. Moved on to the Forest's Edge, where I was sad to see in the distance that Westfall is still looking like an evil wizard sucked all water out of the ground like a cultish sex practise. But we had more pressing matters to deal with. Hogger was still on the loose, and causing havoc, so Jonith and I wanted to take him down. He fought us long and hard, but eventually gave in the cowardly runt. The guards took him to the Stockade, amid Jonith and I's cheers. Finally we left the safety of Elwynn and found ourselves in the middle of a crime scene in Westfall. I wept when I found the Fulbrows and Old Blanchy dead. I still use her feed bag sometimes... It seems Westfall has deteriotated since I last went. Though the Defias have been removed from power, the people have descended to anarchy against honourable King Varian Wrynn. The investigators there recruited us to search for clues, and having killed many hostile beggars, we found the two suspects: the Murlocs and the Gnolls...
June 26th-June 28th
Jonith- I have not wrote in this journal for the past few days as the investigation for the murderers has taken it's toll. Which sort of living person would do this sort of thing (and if it was undead, they would have been raised by now.) However in our quest, we overheard an ogre talking to a mysterious, shadowy figure in the nearby mine. Perhaps this could be our next lead.
The rest of the pages are soggy.... (Part 3)
Saturday, 25 June 2011
The Diaries of Jonith of Gilneas and Pordit Bronzebeard
June 23rd.
Pordit-Finally! Jonith and I have escaped from that wretched place, I am almost glad for the Cataclysm! Jonith was too weak to travel with me, so stayed in Northshire to recuperate, while I ventured to Stormwind in the disguise of an anonymous traveller. Suffice to say, I fooled the stupid guards. I've always hated the Deeprun Tram, and I always used to fly to Ironforge from Stormwind, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I ran from Ironforge to Coldridge, picking up some supplies and my old Ram, Betsy. I thought she would make the journey back to Jonith shorter, but in my weakness I cannot even stay on her. The walk back to Northshire has depleted my energy, but not my resolve: "King" Magni Bronzebeard MUST DIE.
I will nurse Jonith back to health as he did me, and we will begin our journey to our former strength tomorrow.
June 24th
Jonith- My whole body aches with pain, and I feel weak from my weeks of being unconcious, but finally I woke, to the sight of a Northshire priest looking over me. Pordit pulled me up, after the days he had spent looking after me, and I soon saw that chaos abounded at the abbey. Injured soldiers led, in pain, against the stone walls, waiting for a long time to be nursed back to health, some never to be. I didn't have to wonder long about what was happening, as almost instantly as I was pulled up from the ground, the Marshal fitted me and Pordit with armour and tasked us with destroying the Orcs in the area. Damn the Horde! We tried repairing their damage, killing off the murderous bastards, putting out the fires, and eventually having to kill their leader.
Tonight we journey to Goldshire, fully equipped and ready to see if any other problems have befallen Elwynn. For Gilneas, and For The Alliance!
(Next Post)
Pordit-Finally! Jonith and I have escaped from that wretched place, I am almost glad for the Cataclysm! Jonith was too weak to travel with me, so stayed in Northshire to recuperate, while I ventured to Stormwind in the disguise of an anonymous traveller. Suffice to say, I fooled the stupid guards. I've always hated the Deeprun Tram, and I always used to fly to Ironforge from Stormwind, but desperate times call for desperate measures. I ran from Ironforge to Coldridge, picking up some supplies and my old Ram, Betsy. I thought she would make the journey back to Jonith shorter, but in my weakness I cannot even stay on her. The walk back to Northshire has depleted my energy, but not my resolve: "King" Magni Bronzebeard MUST DIE.
I will nurse Jonith back to health as he did me, and we will begin our journey to our former strength tomorrow.
June 24th
Jonith- My whole body aches with pain, and I feel weak from my weeks of being unconcious, but finally I woke, to the sight of a Northshire priest looking over me. Pordit pulled me up, after the days he had spent looking after me, and I soon saw that chaos abounded at the abbey. Injured soldiers led, in pain, against the stone walls, waiting for a long time to be nursed back to health, some never to be. I didn't have to wonder long about what was happening, as almost instantly as I was pulled up from the ground, the Marshal fitted me and Pordit with armour and tasked us with destroying the Orcs in the area. Damn the Horde! We tried repairing their damage, killing off the murderous bastards, putting out the fires, and eventually having to kill their leader.
Tonight we journey to Goldshire, fully equipped and ready to see if any other problems have befallen Elwynn. For Gilneas, and For The Alliance!
(Next Post)
Thursday, 16 June 2011
Portal 2 Review
There are many games which I love more than if they were a flying monkey which I had just adopted and gone off on a romantic holiday to Paris with. Incidentally many of these games have been made by Valve, The Half Life series, Team Fortress 2, however, the original Portal is lacking off this list more than a Tortoise is lacking from a Taiwanese brothel.
That’s not to say it wasn’t a bad game though, in fact it was a great game. The Call of Duty series (Barring Cod 4 and 1) couldn’t think to have been as good as this game if they had the knowledge of Stephen Hawking helping them. It was funny, with a dark sense of humour throughout and some of the levels were more innovative than some guy who invents a flame thrower which fits on the end of your dick. However, it was nowhere near as good as people said; as they made it sound like Jesus had come back down to Earth with enough Alcohol for a lifetimes supply for everybody and a Golden Giraffe. Many of the levels are more repetitive than me repeating that they are repetitive, and most are easy (except chamber 18, I have nightmares about that) including the boss fight against GLaDoS, which was easier than picking up a prostitute in Las Vegas. It could also probably be completed in an hour and a half, and that's considering you probably took your dog for a walk, and went onto the internet to rave about it in-between. Call of Duty has a longer single player for Christ sake (that said, most of that was buildings exploding and guys shouting fuck at the site of Vietnamese.)
Portal 2 however, has become one of my favourite games of the year, or the decade. Forgetting the fact that it’s been a short decade, and the only other new game so far was Shogun 2, however that doesn’t mean that this is a bad game.
I am possibly the only person who thinks this game is better than the original for many reasons, the main being the puzzles are a lot smarter in my eyes, and it has a better story, however there is also another reason. It can finally shut up the cunts who go on about cakes and Companion Cubes like he’s just seen a snowman firing a rocket launcher. I was one of the few people who didn’t find the constant jokes about them funny, but then again, I’m not an idiot. So thank you Valve, thank you.
Now the story, which it has this time around, instead of just doing a load of pointless puzzles for the fore-mentioned cake. Now Valve has waved their magic story wand, or should that be crowbar, and you now have more of an idea on why you are doing this sort of thing. It’s all about you having to replace Glados (I still refuse to type it out like I’ve fallen asleep on the shift key, occasionally rolling off it) before doing the same again... ok comparing it to the Half Life story is like comparing a blow job off a stripper to instead using a Hoover on it.
And now like a schizophrenic playing a puzzle game, I have changed my view from liking the story to thinking it can at times be more of an annoying distraction than a squeaky toy being shoved up somebody’s arse upstairs. So here are some more criticisms of it, between the great puzzle sections, you walk along more metal railings in a dark warehouse than a cleaner in the Saw films. It’s as if it’s trying to shove it’s scenery in your face like a boar goring a man. There's an extended sequence where you fall down a hole for Christ sake, how about you add a level where you just wave at s very far away man for 5 hours next time.
The puzzles are I think a lot better than last time, if not still a bit easy. There's a new tutorial every 5 seconds to show you a new gadget as if it’s now appealing to console retards (wonder why...), and these are usually just as they are getting challenging. The “tutorial” puzzles treat you so much like a retard, by the end of them you feel like having somebody fart in your ear canal (or listening to the song Friday by Rebecca Black.) When you can’t figure out a puzzle, thinking the develepors are bastards, putting the exit just out of reach, it makes you feel like Albert Einstein on crack when you finally figure it out. However that is not where the best puzzles are found, as they are in the unexplored seas of co-op.
So I got one of my about 5 friends to play through these with me, and they are great. The puzzles are a lot more challenging, and figuring one out with a friend seems to be as big of an accomplishment as climbing Everest to shoot down a nuke. The puzzles are complicated, and this isn’t helped by having to control a friend, but it is fun, well for the first time you complete it.
The game is about a re-playable as trying to kill the same person more than once. The second time you play them, the puzzles don’t feel as good figuring them out, as if you’ve looked down and realised the person tossing you off is in fact a man. And trying to play through the co-op with a different friend frustrates you due to their idiocy, and then due to you seemingly being a genius. This may change however with the free DLC (yeah console cunts, that's nothing new for Valve and it should be called a patch) of new maps to try again. (Oh and hats... yeah there about as useful as a car with the engine replaced with a potato.)
The humour is just as good as the last game, with Stephen Merchant being funnier than arguing with an idiot who’s being repeatedly kicked in the balls. However, even his genius is nowhere near as good as that of J.K. Simmons, who plays Cave Johnson, the head of Aperture, detailing its downfall. Glados herself is nowhere near as funny as the first game herself, more just reusing the same You killed me wah wah jokes.
I seem to have put in way to many criticisms here for a game that I consider the best of the year so far, and that’s because I expect so much of Valve. The Half Life series is my favourite gaming series of all time, and even though I didn’t like Portal as much as everyone else, it was still good. This game is worth buying, and anybody who doesn’t is more of an idiot than the man who uses nuclear power in his car. Just don’t expect any re-playability until Valve start updating it as regularly as Team Fortress 2.
AND NO MORE CAKES.
That’s not to say it wasn’t a bad game though, in fact it was a great game. The Call of Duty series (Barring Cod 4 and 1) couldn’t think to have been as good as this game if they had the knowledge of Stephen Hawking helping them. It was funny, with a dark sense of humour throughout and some of the levels were more innovative than some guy who invents a flame thrower which fits on the end of your dick. However, it was nowhere near as good as people said; as they made it sound like Jesus had come back down to Earth with enough Alcohol for a lifetimes supply for everybody and a Golden Giraffe. Many of the levels are more repetitive than me repeating that they are repetitive, and most are easy (except chamber 18, I have nightmares about that) including the boss fight against GLaDoS, which was easier than picking up a prostitute in Las Vegas. It could also probably be completed in an hour and a half, and that's considering you probably took your dog for a walk, and went onto the internet to rave about it in-between. Call of Duty has a longer single player for Christ sake (that said, most of that was buildings exploding and guys shouting fuck at the site of Vietnamese.)
Portal 2 however, has become one of my favourite games of the year, or the decade. Forgetting the fact that it’s been a short decade, and the only other new game so far was Shogun 2, however that doesn’t mean that this is a bad game.
I am possibly the only person who thinks this game is better than the original for many reasons, the main being the puzzles are a lot smarter in my eyes, and it has a better story, however there is also another reason. It can finally shut up the cunts who go on about cakes and Companion Cubes like he’s just seen a snowman firing a rocket launcher. I was one of the few people who didn’t find the constant jokes about them funny, but then again, I’m not an idiot. So thank you Valve, thank you.
Now the story, which it has this time around, instead of just doing a load of pointless puzzles for the fore-mentioned cake. Now Valve has waved their magic story wand, or should that be crowbar, and you now have more of an idea on why you are doing this sort of thing. It’s all about you having to replace Glados (I still refuse to type it out like I’ve fallen asleep on the shift key, occasionally rolling off it) before doing the same again... ok comparing it to the Half Life story is like comparing a blow job off a stripper to instead using a Hoover on it.
And now like a schizophrenic playing a puzzle game, I have changed my view from liking the story to thinking it can at times be more of an annoying distraction than a squeaky toy being shoved up somebody’s arse upstairs. So here are some more criticisms of it, between the great puzzle sections, you walk along more metal railings in a dark warehouse than a cleaner in the Saw films. It’s as if it’s trying to shove it’s scenery in your face like a boar goring a man. There's an extended sequence where you fall down a hole for Christ sake, how about you add a level where you just wave at s very far away man for 5 hours next time.
The puzzles are I think a lot better than last time, if not still a bit easy. There's a new tutorial every 5 seconds to show you a new gadget as if it’s now appealing to console retards (wonder why...), and these are usually just as they are getting challenging. The “tutorial” puzzles treat you so much like a retard, by the end of them you feel like having somebody fart in your ear canal (or listening to the song Friday by Rebecca Black.) When you can’t figure out a puzzle, thinking the develepors are bastards, putting the exit just out of reach, it makes you feel like Albert Einstein on crack when you finally figure it out. However that is not where the best puzzles are found, as they are in the unexplored seas of co-op.
So I got one of my about 5 friends to play through these with me, and they are great. The puzzles are a lot more challenging, and figuring one out with a friend seems to be as big of an accomplishment as climbing Everest to shoot down a nuke. The puzzles are complicated, and this isn’t helped by having to control a friend, but it is fun, well for the first time you complete it.
The game is about a re-playable as trying to kill the same person more than once. The second time you play them, the puzzles don’t feel as good figuring them out, as if you’ve looked down and realised the person tossing you off is in fact a man. And trying to play through the co-op with a different friend frustrates you due to their idiocy, and then due to you seemingly being a genius. This may change however with the free DLC (yeah console cunts, that's nothing new for Valve and it should be called a patch) of new maps to try again. (Oh and hats... yeah there about as useful as a car with the engine replaced with a potato.)
The humour is just as good as the last game, with Stephen Merchant being funnier than arguing with an idiot who’s being repeatedly kicked in the balls. However, even his genius is nowhere near as good as that of J.K. Simmons, who plays Cave Johnson, the head of Aperture, detailing its downfall. Glados herself is nowhere near as funny as the first game herself, more just reusing the same You killed me wah wah jokes.
I seem to have put in way to many criticisms here for a game that I consider the best of the year so far, and that’s because I expect so much of Valve. The Half Life series is my favourite gaming series of all time, and even though I didn’t like Portal as much as everyone else, it was still good. This game is worth buying, and anybody who doesn’t is more of an idiot than the man who uses nuclear power in his car. Just don’t expect any re-playability until Valve start updating it as regularly as Team Fortress 2.
AND NO MORE CAKES.
Saturday, 4 June 2011
Another Wow Update
A change of plan for our World of Warcraft post, I now cannot buy Cataclysm for a while, so I cannot review all the new areas for 80+ instead, me and Daniel, will try our best at roleplaying, and what we are doing now is coming up with characters backstories. Oh and did I mention that I think roleplaying is for lonely men, one step before commiting suicide with a sex doll, well that's important.
So lets get on with this... Please kill me now, all you making me do this are as nad as the Nazis, without the genocidal bits.
Jonith
A young commoner growing up in Gilneas, Jonith saw his country ravaged by war, torn asunder and transform into that of realm of monsters. Jonith fled across the wilderness, away from the god forsaken place, vowing never to return. However, at his arrival into Stormwind after many months of hard travelling, he had no money and was in desperate need for a job. After weeks of searching he found one with a company called the Defias Brotherhood, who he had never heard about, and they quickly put him to work. It was a few days later when a squad of Stormwind guards burst through the door, arresting all in the room including him, for something he did unknowingly, and throwing him into the Stormwind Stockade, where he had to fight for respect, and his meals, with his other inmates.
Personality- Jonith is a cynical, hating person, who finds it hard to get along with anybody, causing many arguments and fights. Taught at a young age that the light would not help anybody, so never to trust anything holy, he believes the only things that matter in life are money and fighting.
Alignment- An anti-social person who trys to keep his distance from everybody else. He is a strong beleiver in the old Lordaeron Empire, and is distrustful of it's successor The Alliance, especially after the prejudice and arrest he recieved while in Stormwind.
He turned his back on his former countrymen in Gilneas after the curse which afflicted them, beleiving them to be nothing better than the bugs which crawl through the Undercity.
He also hates all forms of Undead, scourge or Forsaken, who had wiped out most of his fellow humans in his homeland.
Pordit
Born into royalty, Pordit was the heir to the throne of Ironforge. His time seen came and became the much loved King Pordit the Merciful of Ironforge. His entire kingdom was happy under his reign, but not his family. Magni Bronzebeard, Pordit's nephew, was greatly jealous of his uncle's crown. Together with some other traitors he organised a fake plot to send Ironforge's money and weapons to the villainous Dark Iron dwarves. Then, when all was ready, Magni stepped forwards into Ironforge and "revealed" the plot. And, because of evidence he had left at the HQ of the plot, Pordit was wrongly implicated as the leader. Pordit and the traitors were sent to Stormwind Stockade at the behest of Magni, who wanted his uncle nowhere near Ironforge or Dun Morogh again. Pordit was strong and tough, but suffered much persecution in the Stockade, because he was a dwarf and the rest were human. Everyday became a fight for survival.
Personality - Pordit remains very strong willed, unlikely to ever back down. His desire for revenge fuels him in his fights, and is a staut realist. Pordit's faith in the Light is unshakeable, having been a paladin in his early life. However he stopped training as a paladin when a love for ranged weapons and animals took him. Ever since he was expressed a deep love and interest in "hunting".
Alignment - Pordit remains a realist, and even though he has lost almost all of his strength over the years in prison, he believes everyone should be given a chance. His years as a paladin have taught him a firm hatred of anything undead, and as the former King of Ironforge his support for the Alliance is unwavering. No matter his strength or position, Pordit fights for the honour of the Alliance and the defeat of the Horde.
How They Met
Aside from both being thrown into the Stockade, there was nothing between Pordit and Jonith. Pordit just thought Jonith was another criminal, and Jonith had learned from childhood never to trust anyone, so they had virtually no interactions. Then, one day, 6 months into their sentences, Jonith attacked the Defias. He had been planning carefully for 6 months, gaining their trust again before pouncing. He killed a Defias prisoner with a smashed bowl, but not before the huge monster in the Stockade, the ogre Hamhock had a chance to deal with Jonith. Before the ogre could deal a killing blow with his giant fist, Pordit used whatever strength remained in his body to fight and stave off the huge beast. Barely conscious, Pordit lay a hero. Jonith, having sworn a debt of gratitude to his savour, nursed him back to health. Over the months Jonith and Pordit became good friends, each telling the other about their dark past. Eventually, the two worked out a deal. As well of a debt of gratitude, Jonith swore he would help Pordit regain his crown, and in return Pordit promised he would assist Jonith's efforts in bringing down the Defias Brotherhood. The day they shook hands on their deal, there was a revolt in the Stockade, and in the confusion many prisoners escaped from the prison, including Jonith and Pordit. Exhausted and weakened, the two had lost all of their former strength. They took refuge in the place Pordit felt certain he would be protected, and the place where Jonith knew no one would look for him: Northshire Abbey.
So lets get on with this... Please kill me now, all you making me do this are as nad as the Nazis, without the genocidal bits.
Jonith
A young commoner growing up in Gilneas, Jonith saw his country ravaged by war, torn asunder and transform into that of realm of monsters. Jonith fled across the wilderness, away from the god forsaken place, vowing never to return. However, at his arrival into Stormwind after many months of hard travelling, he had no money and was in desperate need for a job. After weeks of searching he found one with a company called the Defias Brotherhood, who he had never heard about, and they quickly put him to work. It was a few days later when a squad of Stormwind guards burst through the door, arresting all in the room including him, for something he did unknowingly, and throwing him into the Stormwind Stockade, where he had to fight for respect, and his meals, with his other inmates.
Personality- Jonith is a cynical, hating person, who finds it hard to get along with anybody, causing many arguments and fights. Taught at a young age that the light would not help anybody, so never to trust anything holy, he believes the only things that matter in life are money and fighting.
Alignment- An anti-social person who trys to keep his distance from everybody else. He is a strong beleiver in the old Lordaeron Empire, and is distrustful of it's successor The Alliance, especially after the prejudice and arrest he recieved while in Stormwind.
He turned his back on his former countrymen in Gilneas after the curse which afflicted them, beleiving them to be nothing better than the bugs which crawl through the Undercity.
He also hates all forms of Undead, scourge or Forsaken, who had wiped out most of his fellow humans in his homeland.
Pordit
Born into royalty, Pordit was the heir to the throne of Ironforge. His time seen came and became the much loved King Pordit the Merciful of Ironforge. His entire kingdom was happy under his reign, but not his family. Magni Bronzebeard, Pordit's nephew, was greatly jealous of his uncle's crown. Together with some other traitors he organised a fake plot to send Ironforge's money and weapons to the villainous Dark Iron dwarves. Then, when all was ready, Magni stepped forwards into Ironforge and "revealed" the plot. And, because of evidence he had left at the HQ of the plot, Pordit was wrongly implicated as the leader. Pordit and the traitors were sent to Stormwind Stockade at the behest of Magni, who wanted his uncle nowhere near Ironforge or Dun Morogh again. Pordit was strong and tough, but suffered much persecution in the Stockade, because he was a dwarf and the rest were human. Everyday became a fight for survival.
Personality - Pordit remains very strong willed, unlikely to ever back down. His desire for revenge fuels him in his fights, and is a staut realist. Pordit's faith in the Light is unshakeable, having been a paladin in his early life. However he stopped training as a paladin when a love for ranged weapons and animals took him. Ever since he was expressed a deep love and interest in "hunting".
Alignment - Pordit remains a realist, and even though he has lost almost all of his strength over the years in prison, he believes everyone should be given a chance. His years as a paladin have taught him a firm hatred of anything undead, and as the former King of Ironforge his support for the Alliance is unwavering. No matter his strength or position, Pordit fights for the honour of the Alliance and the defeat of the Horde.
How They Met
Aside from both being thrown into the Stockade, there was nothing between Pordit and Jonith. Pordit just thought Jonith was another criminal, and Jonith had learned from childhood never to trust anyone, so they had virtually no interactions. Then, one day, 6 months into their sentences, Jonith attacked the Defias. He had been planning carefully for 6 months, gaining their trust again before pouncing. He killed a Defias prisoner with a smashed bowl, but not before the huge monster in the Stockade, the ogre Hamhock had a chance to deal with Jonith. Before the ogre could deal a killing blow with his giant fist, Pordit used whatever strength remained in his body to fight and stave off the huge beast. Barely conscious, Pordit lay a hero. Jonith, having sworn a debt of gratitude to his savour, nursed him back to health. Over the months Jonith and Pordit became good friends, each telling the other about their dark past. Eventually, the two worked out a deal. As well of a debt of gratitude, Jonith swore he would help Pordit regain his crown, and in return Pordit promised he would assist Jonith's efforts in bringing down the Defias Brotherhood. The day they shook hands on their deal, there was a revolt in the Stockade, and in the confusion many prisoners escaped from the prison, including Jonith and Pordit. Exhausted and weakened, the two had lost all of their former strength. They took refuge in the place Pordit felt certain he would be protected, and the place where Jonith knew no one would look for him: Northshire Abbey.
Wednesday, 1 June 2011
Welcome to - World of Tanks
So this is this first of my indie game series of reviews. They are almost the exact same as my other crap, but with a stupid Welcome to in front of the name. To be honest, I don’t know if you would class World of Tanks as an indie game but we will.
Free games are almost always shit. This just goes to show that cheapskates never prosper and we should all spend money buying greats such as every single Call of Duty game made until the end of time, and then they will still make more.
Ok I was lying about quite a lot of that because I am a cunt, but seriously, other than a few, most free games are awful. They mainly just rip off other games more than a coupon for free sex in a super hero comic book. There are a few exceptions to this rule however, the main being some of the great mods it is possible to get, another being Alien Swarm. But now another is here, well it’s been here for longer than a Call of Duty game lasts, but that's not very long.
So World of Tanks, a game with a less obvious title than Super mega awesome pornography. It is a game about riding into battle on the back of time shooting black holes at tortoises from another fucking planet. No wait, that's the plot of a game which will be released never, like Bambi 2, where the deer doesn’t talk and instead just flies off into space to get the manpower to wipe out all the humans who murdered his mother, I think he took up the moniker, Fuhrer at the same time.
No in fact World of Tanks doesn’t have a plot short of boom boom, die other tank die, now let’s all go get drunk on Vodka/ Eat some Burgers/ Stare at our manly wives while we celebrate Communism/ Capitalism/ Nazism. If you haven’t guessed yet it’s a game about World War Two, but that's not all, because you’ve probably not worked out the twist yet... Your all in Tanks... Oh that was obvious.
Anyway, in this game, where all the “characters” are like metal elephants after having there brain removed, you go around shooting at people more times than there are stars in the sky, because this my fellow man, is an online game. You know, the genre that is flooding the waters of gaming faster than a meteor attached to the Millennium Falcon. It is due to this genre that good stories, and fun gameplay are dying out in a helpless bucket of spit that Activision spit into after visiting the toilet and not spending their time counting their money, or swimming in their money, or shagging their money or need I say anymore.
However there are very occasionally good online games which don’t suck the dick of Captain Price so hard they swallow it. The obvious one in this category being Team Fortress, because Valve are the biggest mofos in the gaming ghetto yes man. Ok they make good games, well very good games, well games so great If we showed them to an alien they would blow up in amazement. They made a fun, balanced, online shooter, which rewards people just as equally for doing shit as it does for doing well, unlike the constantly mentioned Call of Duty, which rewards people for spanking noobs so much they’ve gone off crying, making everybody have a good time, well everybody who isn’t a noob and has played the game every second since it came out, in the pointless life THE FUCKING CUNTS I WANT TO FUCKING BREAK THEIR (Technical difficulties, see Zzirgrizz and montages rant for that)
So back to the subject at hand World of Tanks, which is an online game, which I would recommend for many reasons, the first being that it more free than a slave after the American Civil War. Its costs nothing, so unless you’re such a cheapskate you’ve rationed how many times you can click a mouse, then it’s a definite.
The second is how it’s easier to get than an ugly prostitute who charges nothing for her services. The controls are the same as every other FPS, or even most other games, so unless you’re a lobotomised retard, or a console gamer, you should easily be able to work them out.
The third reason is that, even though it is easy to work out how to play, the game is also very unforgiving when you first start, with most people better, and using better tanks than you. You have to experiment by buying new tanks and seeing which category you prefer. Until then you’re all but fucked, other than the fact that the competitors in the match are chosen to be of a similar tank level to you, so you at least have a chance, like a Pakistani has a chance to stay into their own country, but would rather come to ours.
Then there are the quests, very very mediocre, they are things such as kill 8 bears and collect their hides, except the fact that I am lying and that's World of Warcraft Tanks, a game I am making up.
The class of tank that I use is the Tank Destroyer, I think it’s one called the AT- 1 and it is the equivalent of most games snipers. So I sit there, sat in the undergrowth, humming the Soviet National anthem, waiting for other tanks which I can blow to pieces. It is in my eyes easily the best tank in the game. SO NOBODY ELSE USE IT.
I’ll just need to tell you about the other features in the game, one being the upgrades, which the game shoves in your face at the end of every match like a pizza at the world’s most unwelcoming fast food restraint. At first they can appear overwhelming, and sometimes still do to me now. The other thing I wanted to tell you about is the fact that you can buy a premium account, however I do not know what these do, as I refuse to spend money on free games, but feel free to if you’re an idiot.
Free games are almost always shit. This just goes to show that cheapskates never prosper and we should all spend money buying greats such as every single Call of Duty game made until the end of time, and then they will still make more.
Ok I was lying about quite a lot of that because I am a cunt, but seriously, other than a few, most free games are awful. They mainly just rip off other games more than a coupon for free sex in a super hero comic book. There are a few exceptions to this rule however, the main being some of the great mods it is possible to get, another being Alien Swarm. But now another is here, well it’s been here for longer than a Call of Duty game lasts, but that's not very long.
So World of Tanks, a game with a less obvious title than Super mega awesome pornography. It is a game about riding into battle on the back of time shooting black holes at tortoises from another fucking planet. No wait, that's the plot of a game which will be released never, like Bambi 2, where the deer doesn’t talk and instead just flies off into space to get the manpower to wipe out all the humans who murdered his mother, I think he took up the moniker, Fuhrer at the same time.
No in fact World of Tanks doesn’t have a plot short of boom boom, die other tank die, now let’s all go get drunk on Vodka/ Eat some Burgers/ Stare at our manly wives while we celebrate Communism/ Capitalism/ Nazism. If you haven’t guessed yet it’s a game about World War Two, but that's not all, because you’ve probably not worked out the twist yet... Your all in Tanks... Oh that was obvious.
Anyway, in this game, where all the “characters” are like metal elephants after having there brain removed, you go around shooting at people more times than there are stars in the sky, because this my fellow man, is an online game. You know, the genre that is flooding the waters of gaming faster than a meteor attached to the Millennium Falcon. It is due to this genre that good stories, and fun gameplay are dying out in a helpless bucket of spit that Activision spit into after visiting the toilet and not spending their time counting their money, or swimming in their money, or shagging their money or need I say anymore.
However there are very occasionally good online games which don’t suck the dick of Captain Price so hard they swallow it. The obvious one in this category being Team Fortress, because Valve are the biggest mofos in the gaming ghetto yes man. Ok they make good games, well very good games, well games so great If we showed them to an alien they would blow up in amazement. They made a fun, balanced, online shooter, which rewards people just as equally for doing shit as it does for doing well, unlike the constantly mentioned Call of Duty, which rewards people for spanking noobs so much they’ve gone off crying, making everybody have a good time, well everybody who isn’t a noob and has played the game every second since it came out, in the pointless life THE FUCKING CUNTS I WANT TO FUCKING BREAK THEIR (Technical difficulties, see Zzirgrizz and montages rant for that)
So back to the subject at hand World of Tanks, which is an online game, which I would recommend for many reasons, the first being that it more free than a slave after the American Civil War. Its costs nothing, so unless you’re such a cheapskate you’ve rationed how many times you can click a mouse, then it’s a definite.
The second is how it’s easier to get than an ugly prostitute who charges nothing for her services. The controls are the same as every other FPS, or even most other games, so unless you’re a lobotomised retard, or a console gamer, you should easily be able to work them out.
The third reason is that, even though it is easy to work out how to play, the game is also very unforgiving when you first start, with most people better, and using better tanks than you. You have to experiment by buying new tanks and seeing which category you prefer. Until then you’re all but fucked, other than the fact that the competitors in the match are chosen to be of a similar tank level to you, so you at least have a chance, like a Pakistani has a chance to stay into their own country, but would rather come to ours.
Then there are the quests, very very mediocre, they are things such as kill 8 bears and collect their hides, except the fact that I am lying and that's World of Warcraft Tanks, a game I am making up.
The class of tank that I use is the Tank Destroyer, I think it’s one called the AT- 1 and it is the equivalent of most games snipers. So I sit there, sat in the undergrowth, humming the Soviet National anthem, waiting for other tanks which I can blow to pieces. It is in my eyes easily the best tank in the game. SO NOBODY ELSE USE IT.
I’ll just need to tell you about the other features in the game, one being the upgrades, which the game shoves in your face at the end of every match like a pizza at the world’s most unwelcoming fast food restraint. At first they can appear overwhelming, and sometimes still do to me now. The other thing I wanted to tell you about is the fact that you can buy a premium account, however I do not know what these do, as I refuse to spend money on free games, but feel free to if you’re an idiot.
Saturday, 14 May 2011
Eurovision Part 1
There are many things not likely in this world: me being a nice, sociable tosser, Osama Bin Laden being rose from the dead with an army of suicide Skeletons, Elephants rising up and taking over the earth and oh, the UK winning another Eurovision.
Yes its Eurovision time, when all us European countries choose possibly the worst musical acts ever outside the X factor, lock them in a stadium and let them sing while tigers rip the audience to pieces... basically. So it’s time to enjoy all this, and the extremely obvious bloc voting which is about as subtle as an obese man, riding a blue whale. And while all this is happening, I, yes me, will give you this rant about all the songs, the presenters and all the cunts in between, which I write about as the competition goes on (warning there just to tell you that I will not say which song won until the end, and not in each song’s rant.)
Songs
I hate reviewing songs, only cunts review music and even then it’s only OMG JUSTIN BIEBER IS AWSUM, PLEASE MARRY ME I LUV U.... Fuck off. So this is annoying, how do you review a song, but here goes anyway:
Finland- Paradise Oskar
A great start to Eurovision, with a great song. It’s an extremely subtle song but also very good. Well except when he sing Da da dum, which makes him sound like a mental lunatic trying to play the drums with his mouth. Other than that complaint, this is a great way to start the tournament, with a song which doesn’t sound like its being played by a lobotomised pig being shot at by a Hyena.
Oh and the lyrics are liberalist shit but, yeh know, forget about it
Bosnia + Herzegovina- Dino Merlin
First things to say is that the lyrics are fucking awful in this song. They are like asking a monkey to type out a song while blindfolded at gun point. However the song itself, while not, in my eyes being any good, it does seem like the music is based on traditional music from the country, with a modern twist, which is quite good for Eurovision now, as a lot of countries just produce some generic pop music which is no different to anything released in the past 5 years.
Denmark- A Friend in London- New Tommorow
My favourite song in the competition, honestly. This is the greatest song, in my eyes, in this who tournament, I’ve liked it since hearing it, even before the semi finals. It has an absolutely great melody, which many people seem to have criticised because it sounds slightly similar to some other songs. So fucking what, it sounds less like other songs than every other piece of crock shit in the charts. This song should easily win, unless there somehow ends up being a better song in this tournament, which I highly doubt. 12 points from me (Eurovision joke there.... Fuck you.)
Lithuania- Evelina Sasenko
This song is the first completely awful song in the tournament I have heard in the final, seriously it sounds like a cat having its balls ripped off while being used as a plectrum on a guitar. It’s awful; there is nothing good about it except how she is doing it for the deaf people in Lithuania. This song wouldn’t even make it through on X Factor, and the people on that are awful.
Hungary-Kati Wolf
This song sounds like the most generically 80’s pop song ever shown in Eurovision, they may as well have had Argentina come out half way through and invade the Falklands. It sounds like what would happen if I started throwing a dog at a tree randomly.... as it played the piano.
Ireland-Jedward
Fuck off, I mean seriously fuck off. Why the hell would this band even get chosen for this competition. They are awful; I don’t even know why we gave them fame by keeping them in the X Factor. They don’t even sing in tune, which I’m pretty sure is quite important for a song. They could have had a garden gnome sing and the song would be just as good. However it is just what John and Edward are like, fucking annoying, but entertainingly funny because of how bad it is, that’s the whole premise of their act. We’ll give them 12 points in the UK anyway because we’re idiots, now please excuse me as I go and drown myself.
Sweden
I had heard this song was good before listening to it myself, and I must admit, this song is actually quite good to listen to. It sounds like very generic Scandanavian pop, and it is quite good how me managed to sing while dancing. This song should not be a favourite though, however basically every girl under the age of 14 will vote for him cos they like how he looks. LOOKING GOOD DOESN’T MAKE YOU A GOOD SINGER YOU IDIOTS.
Estonia- Getter Jaani
Another song which could just be exchanged for anything in the charts at the moment and people would notice it less than having a twig cut off of their hedge. The song is ok, nothing special, but the main thing is what she is wearing, which makes her look like a giant flower in jewellery after plastic surgery.
Greece
Oh just some generic R & B and rapping combined with some random classical music which combines worse than blending a mouse with brussel sprouts FUCK YOU, I HATE THIS ACT.
Russia
I can tell you already that this song will do absolutely great already, I don’t know what people think about it or anything, but I know it will do well already, because of the stupid bloc voting which basically give Russia the best chance possible.
The singer himself looks so stereotypical Russian; in the middle of it he could turn and salute a giant picture of Stalin while singing the USSR Anthem. Anyway the chorus, although shit, is quite catchy, however the rest of the song is awful, I could have sung better verses while drunk in a car crash.
France- Amaury Vassili
This song is the bookies favourite, and even though I may not like it myself, I am very glad it is in here. Why, because it is not a pop song like almost everything else, and is instead classical music, as Amaury is a tenor.
I don’t know why the hell it is the favourite, but at least it’s less generic that Sgt Mcapple Pie Washington Bush in a Call of Duty game, and has added his own flavour into the competition, instead of just stealing each others.
Italy
It is Italy’s first time in this competition for fourteen years, and this, like France’s is very different to the other songs in the competition. Except this is Jazz, and I kind of like it. If you want to imagine this music, just think of the sort of music which may play in a casino in Monte Carlo, inhabited by Posh cunts trying to get a shag out of the local girls. This should be one of the favourites, if it is not already (I don’t know, I don’t examine the odds, are you trying to say I’m addicted to gambling.)
Switzerland
Turns out Switzerland cannot be chosen when your voting for them, as they do not want to start a European War and instead will stay in a policy of neutrality instead. Ok OK, the backing tune is quite in itself, however the singing sounds like it is being done by a women who has smoked 50 a day for the past 25 years, it is croaky and doesn’t sound healthy. Now that’s all about that as next is the one you’ve been waiting for, Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves.
United Kingdom- Blue- I can
Land of Hope and Glory, mother of the free. C’MON BRITAIN, WE CAN DO IT THIS YEAR actually yeah there's no point even talking about this, as we have no chance of winning anyway. There is more chance of seeing a tortoise set foot on the moon than seeing us win again. Anyway I don’t like Boybands and are the sort of bands which are enjoyed by gay men and women, however after hearing it, this song has grown on me, it’s not great, but quite good for this tournament. I believe we actually have a chance after hearing this song, as it is one of the best we have had in a long time.
The song itself may be nothing more than a generic pop song, like most things in this tournament, however it is more catchy than the others, and also Blue are very popular on the continent, so it is for this reason that I think we may have a good chance, not of winning, but of doing very well. I’m showing my patriotism and hoping they win, and so should you. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN, MOTHER FUCKERS.
Moldova
Oh fuck off, there wearing hats which make themselves look like a termite mound in Marge Simpsons hair, and the song is awful, I can’t bear to write about it anymore. (Should have called themselves Gnomey the Garden Gnomes of doom, then the name would be as funny as the band.)
Germany-Lena
A weird, and I mean fucking batshit crazy, weird song. It’s the musical equivalent of a goldfish having sexual relations with Stephen Hawking, that’s how weird this song is. However, compared with quite a few songs in this competition or even out at the moment, it is also of a strangely great quality (I’m possibly the only person to think so) and amazingly I did quite enjoy it (well not really, as I thought her last years song was quite good compared to some, not winning worthy, but good).
It is by Lena, the same person who had won for Germany last year, what have Germany got less people who want to compete in Eurovision than they have people who like Jews (yes I made a Nazi holocaust joke, and no, I am not happy for it, public apology to Germany about how they are not all Nazis here.)
Romania- Hotel FM
YAY A BAND WITH THE LEAD SINGER FROM THE UK, MORE RULE BRITANNIA HERE. Ok enough of the patriotism for this act, but this song is actually quite good, if a little 1950’s. The tune is good, along with the lyrics. I’m happy with these winning if the UK don’t as not just because he is English, but also because the song is soon becoming my favourite.
Austria
This song is very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very boring, yes it’s as boring as reading all the times I said the word very. It is almost just a women talking, before boringly singing to a soft tune which doesn’t seem to come into the song until it is actually about to finish.
Azerbaijan
HONESTLY, THIS SONG PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF, not because the song itself is bad BUT AZERBAIJAN ARE NOT IN EUROPE, WHY DON’T YOU JUST SAY FUCK IT AND INVITE NEW ZEALAND TO JOIN YOU CUNTS. Anyway the song itself is good, and is supposed to be one of the favourites, but I will not say anything else about it as it should not win because THERE NOT IN EUROPE AS I’VE SAID.
Slovenia- Maja Keuc
Look out, stereotypical women singer here. Basically that's it, ever heard anybody like Christina Aguilera, well you’ve heard this women. The song is ok, but that’s basically it because of how boring it is.
Iceland- Sjonni’s friends
These seem to be Take that with a few instruments. A band of oldish men singing, that’s it. Ok they are quite good, but there's not much I can say about them I haven’t already on other acts.
Spain- Lucia Perez
This song is so stereotypically Spanish in my eyes they may as well have had a Bull fight in the middle of it. Plus its shit, that's always stereotypically Spanish in these things, your good at football ok, is that good enough to get you to stop singing this bull crap. In fact they even had some kids playing football in the opening movie, fucking hell, JUST HAVE THEM ALL BE FLAMENCO DANCERS WHO GIVE UP HALF WAY THROUGH THE DAY BECAUSE IT’S TO HOT.
Ukraine- Mika Newton
Quite good sand painting going on here. The song doesn’t sound like Stephen Hawking trying to sing either, but it’s not good enough to win (unless they do what they always do and bloc vote the cunts)
Serbia- Nina
OH MY GOD, GET THE BRIGHT COLOURS OFF THE SCREEN, THEY BURN, BURN I SAY. This song, with all its bright colours really annoys me, and they burn my heart, which is black as night. It’s just so happy (and shit) please make it stop, Lord Satan please help me, I beg of you, smite them down.
Georgia
I’m very undecided on this song. It seems different to the others, as it seems to be a lot heavier, however it still seems very generically popish. They even needed to ruin it even more by putting in an awful rapping section. Anyway I can’t be bothered saying anything else about it.
Now I will take a 15 minutes or so break, while the interlude is on as that is the last act and I need to make a cup of tea as it is tiring writing this for so long time.
Yes its Eurovision time, when all us European countries choose possibly the worst musical acts ever outside the X factor, lock them in a stadium and let them sing while tigers rip the audience to pieces... basically. So it’s time to enjoy all this, and the extremely obvious bloc voting which is about as subtle as an obese man, riding a blue whale. And while all this is happening, I, yes me, will give you this rant about all the songs, the presenters and all the cunts in between, which I write about as the competition goes on (warning there just to tell you that I will not say which song won until the end, and not in each song’s rant.)
Songs
I hate reviewing songs, only cunts review music and even then it’s only OMG JUSTIN BIEBER IS AWSUM, PLEASE MARRY ME I LUV U.... Fuck off. So this is annoying, how do you review a song, but here goes anyway:
Finland- Paradise Oskar
A great start to Eurovision, with a great song. It’s an extremely subtle song but also very good. Well except when he sing Da da dum, which makes him sound like a mental lunatic trying to play the drums with his mouth. Other than that complaint, this is a great way to start the tournament, with a song which doesn’t sound like its being played by a lobotomised pig being shot at by a Hyena.
Oh and the lyrics are liberalist shit but, yeh know, forget about it
Bosnia + Herzegovina- Dino Merlin
First things to say is that the lyrics are fucking awful in this song. They are like asking a monkey to type out a song while blindfolded at gun point. However the song itself, while not, in my eyes being any good, it does seem like the music is based on traditional music from the country, with a modern twist, which is quite good for Eurovision now, as a lot of countries just produce some generic pop music which is no different to anything released in the past 5 years.
Denmark- A Friend in London- New Tommorow
My favourite song in the competition, honestly. This is the greatest song, in my eyes, in this who tournament, I’ve liked it since hearing it, even before the semi finals. It has an absolutely great melody, which many people seem to have criticised because it sounds slightly similar to some other songs. So fucking what, it sounds less like other songs than every other piece of crock shit in the charts. This song should easily win, unless there somehow ends up being a better song in this tournament, which I highly doubt. 12 points from me (Eurovision joke there.... Fuck you.)
Lithuania- Evelina Sasenko
This song is the first completely awful song in the tournament I have heard in the final, seriously it sounds like a cat having its balls ripped off while being used as a plectrum on a guitar. It’s awful; there is nothing good about it except how she is doing it for the deaf people in Lithuania. This song wouldn’t even make it through on X Factor, and the people on that are awful.
Hungary-Kati Wolf
This song sounds like the most generically 80’s pop song ever shown in Eurovision, they may as well have had Argentina come out half way through and invade the Falklands. It sounds like what would happen if I started throwing a dog at a tree randomly.... as it played the piano.
Ireland-Jedward
Fuck off, I mean seriously fuck off. Why the hell would this band even get chosen for this competition. They are awful; I don’t even know why we gave them fame by keeping them in the X Factor. They don’t even sing in tune, which I’m pretty sure is quite important for a song. They could have had a garden gnome sing and the song would be just as good. However it is just what John and Edward are like, fucking annoying, but entertainingly funny because of how bad it is, that’s the whole premise of their act. We’ll give them 12 points in the UK anyway because we’re idiots, now please excuse me as I go and drown myself.
Sweden
I had heard this song was good before listening to it myself, and I must admit, this song is actually quite good to listen to. It sounds like very generic Scandanavian pop, and it is quite good how me managed to sing while dancing. This song should not be a favourite though, however basically every girl under the age of 14 will vote for him cos they like how he looks. LOOKING GOOD DOESN’T MAKE YOU A GOOD SINGER YOU IDIOTS.
Estonia- Getter Jaani
Another song which could just be exchanged for anything in the charts at the moment and people would notice it less than having a twig cut off of their hedge. The song is ok, nothing special, but the main thing is what she is wearing, which makes her look like a giant flower in jewellery after plastic surgery.
Greece
Oh just some generic R & B and rapping combined with some random classical music which combines worse than blending a mouse with brussel sprouts FUCK YOU, I HATE THIS ACT.
Russia
I can tell you already that this song will do absolutely great already, I don’t know what people think about it or anything, but I know it will do well already, because of the stupid bloc voting which basically give Russia the best chance possible.
The singer himself looks so stereotypical Russian; in the middle of it he could turn and salute a giant picture of Stalin while singing the USSR Anthem. Anyway the chorus, although shit, is quite catchy, however the rest of the song is awful, I could have sung better verses while drunk in a car crash.
France- Amaury Vassili
This song is the bookies favourite, and even though I may not like it myself, I am very glad it is in here. Why, because it is not a pop song like almost everything else, and is instead classical music, as Amaury is a tenor.
I don’t know why the hell it is the favourite, but at least it’s less generic that Sgt Mcapple Pie Washington Bush in a Call of Duty game, and has added his own flavour into the competition, instead of just stealing each others.
Italy
It is Italy’s first time in this competition for fourteen years, and this, like France’s is very different to the other songs in the competition. Except this is Jazz, and I kind of like it. If you want to imagine this music, just think of the sort of music which may play in a casino in Monte Carlo, inhabited by Posh cunts trying to get a shag out of the local girls. This should be one of the favourites, if it is not already (I don’t know, I don’t examine the odds, are you trying to say I’m addicted to gambling.)
Switzerland
Turns out Switzerland cannot be chosen when your voting for them, as they do not want to start a European War and instead will stay in a policy of neutrality instead. Ok OK, the backing tune is quite in itself, however the singing sounds like it is being done by a women who has smoked 50 a day for the past 25 years, it is croaky and doesn’t sound healthy. Now that’s all about that as next is the one you’ve been waiting for, Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves.
United Kingdom- Blue- I can
Land of Hope and Glory, mother of the free. C’MON BRITAIN, WE CAN DO IT THIS YEAR actually yeah there's no point even talking about this, as we have no chance of winning anyway. There is more chance of seeing a tortoise set foot on the moon than seeing us win again. Anyway I don’t like Boybands and are the sort of bands which are enjoyed by gay men and women, however after hearing it, this song has grown on me, it’s not great, but quite good for this tournament. I believe we actually have a chance after hearing this song, as it is one of the best we have had in a long time.
The song itself may be nothing more than a generic pop song, like most things in this tournament, however it is more catchy than the others, and also Blue are very popular on the continent, so it is for this reason that I think we may have a good chance, not of winning, but of doing very well. I’m showing my patriotism and hoping they win, and so should you. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN, MOTHER FUCKERS.
Moldova
Oh fuck off, there wearing hats which make themselves look like a termite mound in Marge Simpsons hair, and the song is awful, I can’t bear to write about it anymore. (Should have called themselves Gnomey the Garden Gnomes of doom, then the name would be as funny as the band.)
Germany-Lena
A weird, and I mean fucking batshit crazy, weird song. It’s the musical equivalent of a goldfish having sexual relations with Stephen Hawking, that’s how weird this song is. However, compared with quite a few songs in this competition or even out at the moment, it is also of a strangely great quality (I’m possibly the only person to think so) and amazingly I did quite enjoy it (well not really, as I thought her last years song was quite good compared to some, not winning worthy, but good).
It is by Lena, the same person who had won for Germany last year, what have Germany got less people who want to compete in Eurovision than they have people who like Jews (yes I made a Nazi holocaust joke, and no, I am not happy for it, public apology to Germany about how they are not all Nazis here.)
Romania- Hotel FM
YAY A BAND WITH THE LEAD SINGER FROM THE UK, MORE RULE BRITANNIA HERE. Ok enough of the patriotism for this act, but this song is actually quite good, if a little 1950’s. The tune is good, along with the lyrics. I’m happy with these winning if the UK don’t as not just because he is English, but also because the song is soon becoming my favourite.
Austria
This song is very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very boring, yes it’s as boring as reading all the times I said the word very. It is almost just a women talking, before boringly singing to a soft tune which doesn’t seem to come into the song until it is actually about to finish.
Azerbaijan
HONESTLY, THIS SONG PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF, not because the song itself is bad BUT AZERBAIJAN ARE NOT IN EUROPE, WHY DON’T YOU JUST SAY FUCK IT AND INVITE NEW ZEALAND TO JOIN YOU CUNTS. Anyway the song itself is good, and is supposed to be one of the favourites, but I will not say anything else about it as it should not win because THERE NOT IN EUROPE AS I’VE SAID.
Slovenia- Maja Keuc
Look out, stereotypical women singer here. Basically that's it, ever heard anybody like Christina Aguilera, well you’ve heard this women. The song is ok, but that’s basically it because of how boring it is.
Iceland- Sjonni’s friends
These seem to be Take that with a few instruments. A band of oldish men singing, that’s it. Ok they are quite good, but there's not much I can say about them I haven’t already on other acts.
Spain- Lucia Perez
This song is so stereotypically Spanish in my eyes they may as well have had a Bull fight in the middle of it. Plus its shit, that's always stereotypically Spanish in these things, your good at football ok, is that good enough to get you to stop singing this bull crap. In fact they even had some kids playing football in the opening movie, fucking hell, JUST HAVE THEM ALL BE FLAMENCO DANCERS WHO GIVE UP HALF WAY THROUGH THE DAY BECAUSE IT’S TO HOT.
Ukraine- Mika Newton
Quite good sand painting going on here. The song doesn’t sound like Stephen Hawking trying to sing either, but it’s not good enough to win (unless they do what they always do and bloc vote the cunts)
Serbia- Nina
OH MY GOD, GET THE BRIGHT COLOURS OFF THE SCREEN, THEY BURN, BURN I SAY. This song, with all its bright colours really annoys me, and they burn my heart, which is black as night. It’s just so happy (and shit) please make it stop, Lord Satan please help me, I beg of you, smite them down.
Georgia
I’m very undecided on this song. It seems different to the others, as it seems to be a lot heavier, however it still seems very generically popish. They even needed to ruin it even more by putting in an awful rapping section. Anyway I can’t be bothered saying anything else about it.
Now I will take a 15 minutes or so break, while the interlude is on as that is the last act and I need to make a cup of tea as it is tiring writing this for so long time.
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