Rofling Officer: I can't believe we're at this time again, this time, we're live in Azerbaijan for the song contest between some European countries (it's news to me that Azerbaijan is in Europe, but there you go). The Eurovision is pretty much a hate figure for every imbecile fresh from The Voice who needs some more idiot TV. The difference being, everyone loves complaining about this particular song contest, because of biases and stuff. But anyway, for the time being, I present mine and Jonith's review of the Eurovision Song Contest 2012. Enjoy.
1. Great Britain - Love Will Set You Free- Engelbert Humperdink
John: I think the first thing that
needs to be said is, holy shit that name. It sounds like the sounds you would
make if you were busy drowning in custard. Who is he, a made up bad guy from a children's
TV show. Also, the way he sings about love makes it seem like we chose the world's
most elegant paedophile to sing our song. Really though, I shouldn't be making
fun of him, because the song itself is decent enough, not completely crap, but
also not good enough to win. I personally like this song and C'MON GREAT
BRITAIN.
Rofling: First up we have the greatest
country in the world, with Angel-burp Hump-a-dick and his song: "Love Will
Set You Free". I have to tip my hat to them for picking a name so cliche
it comes right round and sounds awesome again. Looking like an Italian Paul McCartney
with an eating disorder, Humperdinck steps onto stage. The song itself is about
as fast paced as a William Shatner monologue as dictated by a brain damaged
slug, but there's nothing particularly obnoxious about it (aside from maybe the
strobes in the background that gave me a seizure). Eventually the song ends
with a big crescendo and everyone forgets about him. Nicely done Engelbert, you
weren't unpleasant.2. Hungary - Sound of our Hearts - Compact Disco
Rofling: Wow the lead singer looks
like Goth Adam Levine from Maroon 5, and the others look like they were plucked
straight from a Nirvana video from 1993, but the song itself is actually pretty
alright. The chorus is catchy, he sings pretty good and the singer is getting
really into it. Weirdly, I think that's Jade Goody on stage there with them
(and oh fucking hell that was the worst thing I have ever written and I hate
myself for it), and oh the song's over. Well that was only slightly longer than
a TV show about the lighter side of the Borgias, slightly disappointed.
Jonith: I have no idea what the name
of this song, sounding like the name of an awful foreign food dish which you
may be served while being sick into a toilet, but what I do know is that this
song seems to be sung by Medusa, the Fat Prostitute years. Also, this person
can't sing, it seems like I'm having somebody have glass crushed in my ears
every time she sings. Is she singing, or shouting at a dragon flying across the
back of the arena? Nobody knows, Nobody Knows.
Rofling: Next we have an Albanian
woman with a church on her head, and just singing fucking nonsense words that
make no sense (no I'm not talking about Albanian, they are actually nonsense
words). The tone of the song is flitting about like the Millenium Falcon on
acid, and when she attempts to hit high notes she sounds like she's trying to
shatter my TV screen to stop me listening to this absolute SHIT. OH FUCK ME
THIS IS TERRIBLE! The high notes are akin to having my ears grated onto Colonel
Gaddafi's erect penis now; I can't take it anymore. Thank God, it's over. I'll
be right back, just going to blast a hole where my ears used to be...
Jonith: Well this guy's name sounds like
a really bad 80's musician, but in fact
he looks like an escape artist who has walked into the wrong dressing room.
Seriously who does he think he is, a demon hunter. Actually, it makes more
sense if he thinks he's an extra from Phantom of the Fucking Opera.
And then when he takes the blindfold
off, what is he doing then, starting his stripping routine? This dancing is
possibly the most non sensual thing ever. He's like a puppet dancing being
controlled by a snowman on crack.
Rofling: Wearing a blindfold with
glitter on it (which makes it seem like you've been kidnapped by Christopher
Biggins while in his campest mood) and with about as many spotlights as there
were shining when Tom Cruise jumped on Oprah and claimed he was gay, the Lithuanian
act is introduced. The song itself sounds like a blend of Whitney Houston and
Alvin and the Chipmunks and a particularly pretentious James Bond theme song.
My rating: about as entertaining as watching paint dry on a wall while the wall
punches you on the cock.
5.Bosnia and Herzegovinininia. -
Korake ti zanam - Mayasar
Jonith: Now we have a Joanna Lumley
impersonator after extreme botox surgery. She also appears to be wearing the
Great Pyramid on each of her shoulders, or taking part in a complex
assassination attempt were both of the tips are coated with poison. She also
sounds like she's trying to serenade a dying cat while injecting heroin into
her eyes. Fuck me this is such a bad song. And then she just abandons here
piano, what has that piano ever done to you bitch, send in your money today to
go and rescue those helpless abandoned pianos.
6. Russia - Party for Everybody - Those Granny People
Jonith:
The start of this song sounds like the theme tune to a bloody Elder Scrolls
game before turning into possibly the worst dance theme ever. It sounds like it
was composed by a death Kim Jong Il... After his death. I can understand the
novelty about them being old people, but thats so fucking patronising, you may
as well start patting them on the head after they have a shit next. This is
generic Euro nonsense and nobody in their right mind should vote for them...
Unless you get turned on by this sort of thing, in which case you're probably
violently masturbating into the TV.
Rofling: Sigh...
the singers: a bunch of old grannies (like there's a riot at the post office
and no pensioners are able to collect). ARGH MY EARS. I can think of 7 billion
people off the top of my head who can sing better than these incontinent
shitheads. Watching them "sing" while cooking dinner makes me feel
like I've injected heroin directly into my brain... except the heroin is AIDS.
Please make it stop. If anyone votes for Russia they'll get a throwing knife
embedded in their skull courtesy of the Rofling Officer. The song itself is
even more repetitive than a broken dictaphone playing a speech by Obama, and
still the fucking retards are cheering. Guess I'm going to need a lot of
throwing knives.
7.
Iceland - Never Forget - Greta Salome & Jonse
Rofling: "Never
Forget"? Not directly leeching off Take That I hope. They could have at
least changed Forget to Forgot or something... no no no no no no when these two
cunts sing together they sound like when I beat my cats with a dying mouse with
"irony" written on it. I was warming to the song at first, but Jesus
Christ no one can sound like that unless they're either possessed by the Devil
or possessed by the spirit of a Puritan conspirator plotting to murder the very
concept of music itself. The "strong" chorus sounds totally different
to the rest of the song, and weirdly they actually sound alright. But it's far
too little and later than a turtle with narcolepsy.
8. Cyprus - La La Love - Ivi Adamou
Jonith: Supposedly this is one of the
favourites from what I have seen people say. Now I think that's just because this
is masturbation material for the majority of people watching. The singer looks
like a Cypriot Kelly Brooke, however she also seems to be producing an unusual
amount of testosterone as she as an extremely deep voice. The chorus has the
imagination of a Call of Duty game about Americans, and the depth in the song
lyrics as well.
9. France - Echo (You and I) - Anggun
Jonith: So now we have a performance
by the world's leading white flag makers. The tone of the lyrics seem to fit
the semi-techno background like a holocaust movie created by the characters out
of Toy Story. It also appears that the background dancers is wearing the white
flag of France instead of pants, which is always good to be showing such
national pride. The song itself is awful, and has the imagination of my jokes
about the French in it, so I'll give up now.
Rofling: What are France going to do
for the Olympics in August? Send a singer instead of a gymnastics team? The
song itself just sounds like a backing track for the gymnasts, like she was
ordered to make it forgettable (so much so that I've forgotten it even while
listening) to give the gymnasts as much attention as possible. Maybe it's a
plot by the French bastards for them to win. She dresses like a Concubine
Superhero and sounds like Chris Redfield is punching her vocal chords, and the
random techno backing sounds like someone is staging a chase scene on a vinyl
record. Utter garbage.
10. Italy - L'amore e femmina (Out of
Love) - Nina Zilli
Rofling: Chinese Amy Winehouse now,
with her backing sassy black women, uh huh. Ambiguous racism aside, I really
really like this song. Aside from the stupid "la la la la la" thrown
in there, the lyrics are fun and don't repeat as much as the others and the
tune is instantly catchy. Even now it's got me nodding in time and smiling like
I'm having my balls massaged by a courtesan with a testicle fetish (please
excuse the revolting imagery). Excellent, my favourite so far. She'll get my
vote if the others are faecal fountains too.
11. Estonia - Kuula - Ott Lepland
Jonith: Apparantly these have sent a
singer who is so close to his mic, he may as well be giving it a blow job by
this point. He sings with an effort so lacklustre, even the comatose will be
getting bored by this song, and he has so little emotion he may as well be the world's
most boring robot. Even when he gets louder to seemingly get to the epic part
of the song he drops back down like he has erectile dysfunction... Except with
the voice except the penis. I do like how he's on stage himself, and doesn't
have some boring background dancers though, so there's a plus.
12. Norway - Stay - Tooji
Jonith: You know, Norway really missed
a trick by not sending themselves some Norwegian Country Rock Music, which was
even up for contention to sing for them, but they didn't and my hopes for that
were dashed. Instead we get a cunt. That's all there is to say about him,
seriously, he may as well be walking around with his shirt of, grating people's
faces with his abs while boasting about how many girls he's has toss him off,
which incidentally is what he is, a tosser. I really hate this guy with a
passion, and it would be my dream for him to slip and break a leg or something.
Somebody run on stage and punch him with brass knuckles please, it will be for
the best. He is worse than the guy who gave cancer to kittens
Seriously, this guy is extremely
obnoxious and I would rather have my penis removed by flaming tongs than carry
on listening to it.
Rofling: A musical rendition of the
game Prototype, complete with Alex Mercer look alike. The song sounds like
someone was trying to induce vomiting to try and save his puppy he swallowed,
but its the kind of obnoxious that stops being so horrible after a while and
actually has you warming to it. The chorus is still pathetic and sounds like
Chris Tucker having his bollocks yanked, however. The bloke himself is a
terrific twat who makes any possibilty of me enjoying the song instantly swing
out of the window. Fingers crossed someone will sing Hot Problems to get this
horrible taste out of my mouth.
13. Azerbaijan - When the Music Dies- Sabina Babayeva
Jonith: Now for the home nation. That wonderfully glorious
European nation of Azerbaijan. A country which is extremely in Europe and
certainly not in Asia and that's Geographicallyical non fact. The act is extremely
generic in itself, and there is not much to say about it, except the fact that
the woman appears to be wearing a shape shifting cloud around her thighs.
Rofling: Yay the hosts now, fronted by Celine Dion at her wedding. The
song is slow, and a chore to listen to, in fact forget chore it's more akin to
watching the Human Centipede whilst rearranging packs of cards... dunno why,
but fuck off, this is incredibly draining. My diagnosis of the song: decently
performed, but definitely not worthy of a host place and a very tedious beat.
14. Romania - Zaleilah - Mandinga
Rofling: A sort of cross between Cuba and Scotland; the
bagpipes and the super hot Hispanic woman I could watch sing for a thousand
years. Weirdly captivating, though that might just be her beauty, but it is
markedly different to the other acts. I liked it a lot, but I don't really have
much to say about it. Except that that woman was super super hot.
15. Denmark - Should've Known Better - Soulna Samay
Jonith: Now here is Denmark, with a song that sounds like I think
500 others which have been before it. I get the feeling all these songs are blending
into one by this point. The song itself is decent, and that woman in that Navy
costume sure would be exciting if anybody is into role play.
As I said, the song itself is decent and one of the better
ones of the competition so far, not resorting to the unimaginative choruses. My
favourite I think so far.
16. Greece - Aphrodisiac- Eleftheria Eleftheriou
Jonith: Here comes the act known as Economic problems, and
the background dancing is by the very popular group called the Athens Molotov
Cocktail Throwers. Look at all those flames go like you have just set fire to
some guys puppy. The name of this song seems to make it sound like it would be
the perfect foreplay song, but instead this song has the sex appeal of a dead
guy in an SS costume. The problem with that joke, however, is that I made it
before the performance itself and it is the opposite of that. Which just shows,
that because I cannot tell the future, I am an idiot and deserve to be killed
in the most painful way possible
By the way, surely they should sing about not wanting to win
and for us just to send them money by PayPal instead?
Rofling: "Aphrodisiac". You'll certainly need one
to get it up after listening to this song (raucous laughter). Laughably
seductive Greek Cheryl Cole plays the lead "singer" who sings
"oh oh oh" with the skill of a deaf parrot trained by Andy Dick.
Ultimately, it's a ridiculously oversexualised attempt to try and get votes
through viewers pants, and it hasn't worked for me at all. A very boring (yes
boring) song that I've forgotten already.
17. Sweden - Euphoria - Loreen
Rofling: Really Sweden? Carly Rae Jepsen in a wind tunnel?
That's the best you can do? Not even any naked blonde women to try to get votes
that way? Two minutes of a woman having a seizure is not good entertainment, at
least not at this time of the day. Save it for some porn sites Sweden. Another
boring as hell song, piss off.
18. Turkey - Love me Back - Can Bonomo
Jonith: This is seriously my most hated song in this entire
competition. The person doesn't even sing it, he kind of just says the words
with a slight tune in the background. The person singing it looks like a Sacha
Baron Cohen character crossed with a Lamppost. I really hope the boat this guy
is singing about sinks and he drowns painfully on sea water. The God command
it. This is too painful too listen to even for them.
The tune in the background is possibly the least imaginative
thing ever as well, he may as well be singing over the top of some guys mobile
phone ringtone. Anyway that was a performance by the Village People. He sounded
like a duck being strangled by an Auto tuner.
19. Spain - Quedate Conmigo - Pastora Soler
Jonith: Here we go, the next in the group who owe money to
loansharks, singing desperatly for a home and not to hold it next year. I
assume this song is called "Buy me a home please" in fact. Sadly it's
not as ridiculously bad as most Spanish performances. This is a generic
performance and there is not much to say about it except it only makes me want
to fall asleep in a Nuclear Reactor it's so boringly bad. NEXT! MY ANGER AND
SELF HATRED IS NOT YET SATISFIED.
Rofling: With the Spain the bar is usually balanced at the
Earth's core, and they aren't breaking that tradition. This woman looks like
she's about to burst into tears with love for her song, so I hate her.
Otherwise it's just making me yawn extra loud. I'm fast running out of
enthusiasm for this shit, and I think it's POSSIBLY starting to show, but this
is making me laugh a great deal from the way she's almot sobbing with emotion
at such an interminable song.
20. Germany - Standing Still - Roman Lob
Jonith: An English Person wrote this song so it must be good.
This is over, thank you and see you some other time... This song is actually
pretty good, if extremely generic. This is so generic that the guy may as well
just be playing the top 40 over a backing track done by some generic band that
I can't think of. It also leads me to question why they all sing the English
songs in an East London accent, I'm waiting for the time they all take that to
an extreme and come out with really Cockney accents. Also don't mention the
war... Shit.
These are easily my favourites so far I think and I hope this
guy wins.
Rofling: While being more boring to watch than The Da Vinci
Code adapted for the TV by a blind man, the song does have a good tune. The
singer is a bit of a wanker, wearing a hat indoors like he's got a shaven head
or something, but he is a genuinely good singer, and I've managed to contain
any "Fuhry" (BA DUM TISH) that I may have had. It was more boring
than watching a blimp in slow motion, but it was livened up by the song which
was like watching a blimp crash into a city.
21. Malta - This is the Night - Kurt Calleja
Rofling: Oh god why is he just singing in LESS THAN ONE NOTE
for the entire song. The verses are shorter than Jonith's cock, and the chorus
has been ripped off bloodily from about fifty songs I've heard of, but it does
kind of blend together nicely to create an enjoyable experience. They all look
like they're into the song, and I'm having fun writing and listening to this.
I'm shocked I'm saying this, but well done Malta.
Jonith: I actually quite liked that song in a guilty pleasure
kind of way.
22. Macedonia - Crno I belo - Kaliopi
Jonith: So now we have a singer whose name sounds like an ice
lolly and a song which sounds like you are choking on a piece of pasta. The
woman herself looks like an extra out of Wall Street. After this I expect her
to run into a board room and shout that the shares have dropped. Seriously, the
background of this performace could have been this boring if we were watching a
brick wall being painted. Oh and then a light show started, as of the heavens
were opening and God was trying to kill every epileptic in the immediate
vicinity. This song flicks between two extremes as if the writer is Bi-polar
and has the personality of an ADD sufferer on marijuana.
23. Ireland - Waterline - Jedward
Jonith: Now it's John and Edward, and I call them that
because otherwise I sound like a cunt who runs out of breath too easily. Also
then I can call them John and Fucking Edward without having to make noises like
a dying seal. The costumes they wear in this make them look like Astronauts
with BDSM fetishes. I'm pretty sure there must be SOME twincest going on
between these two if they can stare at each other with these clothes on which
shove the crotch so far back into the body, it's like having surgery in
Thailand. So which one is the male and which is the female? I think its
interchangable.
They all look like extras from Tron if it took place in the
setting of Jaws... The sea.
Rofling: Oh yay Jedward! They aren't out here enough! But
wait! They'ev abandoned the quiffs and gone for an outfit that would embarrass
a gay General Shepard. While not as garmant rendingly dreadful as lipstick from
last year. Breaking some kind of Jedward rule, this time they aren't going
retardly over the top like Andy Dick at a feminist convention. They sing worse
than an Amnesiac with a throat infection, but they certainly aren't the worst
act tonight. Still, to maintain my integrity, piss off Jedward!
24. Serbia- Nije Ijubav
Stvar - Zeljiko Joksimovic
Rofling: I love Serbia, the name really evokes something in
my soul. It's a country with such a sad history, and this is deeply reflected
in their song. I'm on the edge of my seat, hanky in hand, blowing away.
Ambiguous cock jokes and sarcasm aside, I'm enjoying the song more than I
thought I would. The tune is easy to tap along to, and the bloke can actually
hammer out a tune. Nice work.
Jonith: Decent Enough
25. Ukraine - Be My Guest - Gaitana
Jonith: Representing Ukraine is Daikatana, I mean Gaitana.
This is possibly the most ridiculously fucking crazy one so far. The woman is,
for a start, wearing a fruit salad created by poisonous plants on her head. She
also seems to be doing her best Shirley Bassey imprsonation, which would make
sense if Shirley Bassey had her vocal chords removed.
The backing dancers are also all young offenders, which
really sums up the punishment here, I couldn't think of anything worse than
having to dance behind her. ALST THERES A MOTHER FUCKING TRUMPET, EPIC. (Oh and
the worst computer generated models dancing on a screen behind her, well I
assume there dancing, they may be protesting the song)
26. Moldova - Lauter - Pasha Parfeny
Jonith: Ok the last act, finally, Christ this has been a
slog. Moldova with acts such as the KKK clowns and Epic Sax Guy. And this year
we have an Edward Norton look alike singing a song from a Kids TV show
probably. If the Kids TV show was then banned immediately. This man has
possibly the most cheesiest dancing this side of France, and women behind him
acting as if they have just been pulled out of a 1980's disco. The Dance is
still the greatest mother fucking thing ever, that was amazing.
Anyway, this is finally over. FREEDOM!
Rofling: And last and CERTAINLY least, with a name like he's
ordering some pasta in Spain, we have Pasha Parfeny and his quartet of dancing
prostitutes. They look so uncomfortable I'm sure they're stood on hot plates to
make them dance. Breaking Moldova tradition (last year we got the people riding
unicycles while wearing hats that looked like the Village People joined the Ku
Klux Klan), this song is really fucking boring. It's so bad even my TV is
rejecting it, and it's so forgettable that I forgot the tune before I even
started listening. All this gets is a heavy sigh of dread for the 12 points
from Romania, with love.