Welcome all

Hello all and welcome to my blog (this is one of the nicest things you will ever here me say), in which i will whine and be cynical about different things until you'll either want to put a bullet through your head or drown yourself in your own piss.

I am now Jooseman, the Artist formerly known as Jonith, and I have stopped using the name Jonith regularly (however do still have many accoun named Jonith, so go by both) as it got confusing, So call me Jooseman or Joose or whatever. Call me TwatBucket if it pleases you.

Our Youtube Channel
Rants up on this blog on Friday if I've done one, just too add a little bit of schedule here.

Anyway thats all from me, and also check out Rofling Officer Productions. He is a collaborater of mine.

Saturday, 24 July 2010

My Improved Version of Modern Music

I wish I was alive in the 60’s. There was good music back then and the only thing you had to worry about was the ever looming thought of a fucking Nuclear Bomb dropping onto my head. Then again if I was born then I would have a shit Call of Duty game made about me and the era I lived in, the thought of which would sicken me. If they knew what COD was back then, which they didn’t, yes that's how pretentious I was being when I wrote those words.

Yes there were the Beatles and the Rolling Stones, two of the greatest bands of all time. But the one reason that the music scene was good back then, was one reason and one reason only. They didn’t have the shit which has come out in the past few years. You may wonder why I am writing this (you don’t) and this is because my “business partner” (yes we pretend to be business men, what of it) Daniel Barker has also recently written about modern music and I wanted to give my own view. Yes because my view is always right and anybody who says it’s not deserves to be shot.

Right so the last thing which happened music wise, in 2009 was that a little facebook group made Cheryl Cole cry, which is fucking funny. The reason was that her act from the X Factor, some smiling little prick who I couldn’t give a fuck about, was beaten to the Christmas charts by Rage Against the Machine or whatever the fucking band is called, this was done because they were asked to by a Facebook group. I find this just as bad as the X Factor because both of them were telling you to buy there single like some music loving Nazis. “Buy my single or I’ll take you over there and blow your fucking head off!”

The year 2010 started off pretty similar to last fucking year. So similar I thought that I had walked through a Time Vortex and ended up last year. Lady Gaga released a song which was as shit as usual; I don’t see the appeal with her, she’s like a female Justin Bieber, if that wasn’t already taken by Justin Bieber herself. There was also many one hit wonders, which didn’t really bother me much, such things as Owl City-Fireflies and that sort of shit, however this all soon came to an end when the Brit Awards came on.

The biggest piece of shit which came out from The Brit Awards was Florence and the Machines’ collaboration with Dizzee “Dickhead” Rascal which was called You Got the Dirtee Love, in which Generic Rapper number 41 attempts to rap his own twatty lyrics into the song instead of the actual song ones, while Generic Indie act sings their original song. The song was shit. And then unsurprisingly it went number one. A sentence fit enough to describe the current musical day and age.

And then you get to the newest acts of shitness around. And to start off let’s talk about Eminem’s new album, which was as shit as ever. I watched a documentary about him recently; it kept saying he was a really nice person who gets rid of his anger through his song lyrics. Yes I agree he is really nice UNTIL HE FUCKING PISTOL WHIPS SOMEONE. There was also a song called California Gurls, which if you had read Daniel Barker’s one before this would already have heard about. It is sung by Katy Perry and Scooby Doo (well his name is Snoop Dog.) Also if you had read Daniel Barker’s, you would know this isn’t a remake of a song he likes called California Girls by The Beach Boys, which many people think is a classic. The only way that could be a classic is if there were awards for shitness, it would be a classic in them. True Classic are such things as You can’t always get what you want or Hey Jude. Anyway now back to the shit in hand, California Gurls, the whole point of the song is the video because it basically just is Katy Perry strutting around almost naked, they could have put any song over the top of a video like that. Even a recording of Justin Bieber reading Mein Kampf.

So that brings me to my final point. Justin Bieber, the name enough to make you shudder. He is a ball-less, 16 year old, mophead from the planet of Gaytonia who somehow managed to impress 14 year old fans worldwide with song which will be forgotten by next year, thank god. He constantly sings about fucking girls (ok he constantly sings about kissing girls, fucking is to extreme for this kid) but if you watch the video he only ever manages to stalk them before holding their hand. The only reason people like him is because (mainly gay men and 14 year old girls) they say he is fit. He’s basically the Twilight of music. HE’S NOT FUCKING FIT HE JUST HAS ONE OF THOSE FACES WHICH I WANT TO PUNCH!

And now I’m too angry to carry on writing, Justin Bieber pissed me off that much. It’s a fair bet you will not find this funny because I have just ruined all the music you like. And because this is the case piss off!

Saturday, 17 July 2010

American Dad

Ok I admit it, I’m proud to be English. I'm proud of the country I live in and hate the people who think there fucking country is the best in the whole go damn world. In other words I hate the bloody Americans who think they are better than everyone else. The dicks. Thinking they won every war ever, most American High School kids probably think that WW2 was won by damn John McCain who scuba dived into a sunken submarine with Tom Hanks to collect a fucking nuclear missile.
Which brings me to American Dad, the title alone is enough to put off about 1 billion people in the rest of the fucking countries around the world. Yes but America couldn’t care less about that seeing as according to them the world should be called The United World of America!
Even the basic premise of American Dad epitomises this. The main character is a fucking CIA agent for Christ sake. That's like making a cartoon called Afghan Dad in which the main character is a frigging Al-Qaida member. Then again that wouldn’t work seeing as every episode the main character will kill himself. Wait that works for South park. Doesn't it...
The other main characters-which aren't really main characters because you’re supposed to like the main fucking characters in cartoons because they are supposed to be damn funny. But in this cartoon I’m pretty sure the developers missed that one idea-are an alien named Roger. HAHAHA the aliens named Roger, now let me tell you something Seth, I don’t know if you were supposed to make a joke by calling the alien Roger, but if you were its not fucking funny. Then there's another joke character called Klause or something. He's supposed to be a fucking fish with his brain switched with that of a German skier. He’s also not funny so he can piss off!
There's also Steve, the son. He takes part in many of the even crapper side stories. Or in my words, bits that would sicken your toilet. Hayley is the fucking CIA agent’s daughter, who despises many of the Fucking god damn CIA agent’s actions; she’s basically the average stoner. And finally there's the fucking god damn bullshit CIA agents wife, who is called Lois, I mean Marge, damn I mean Francine, she is portrayed as an idiot, and she fits the role perfectly seeing as idiocy is the only thing coming out of the script writers mouths in dog shit style clumps.
Anyway from now on I'm bored of calling the main character Fucking CIA man so I will not and instead call him Stan Smith. So in other words I have to start this whole damn review again, so let’s give it a go. So this is the Simpsons, fuck I mean this is American Dad, a programme which has no similarities to The Simpsons except maybe thousands of things. It’s so like the Simpsons I expected Homer to show up half way through and beat the crap out of Stan. It’s so un funny that the only way to make it even less funny is have half an hour of kids dying from leukaemia, with pictures of Steve Smith jacking off to them inserted every 5 minutes!

Anyway the whole talk of a program called American Dad gave me the idea for my own program, English Dad. It would of course be made by Americans and if it is actually made I would like 50% of the profit. Right now the business shit is in order lets brainstorm.

The main character would definitely be called Reginald D Humpledink, who in this made up fantasy cuckoo land is the chairmen of BP. He will be a top hat wearing posho who drinks 55 cups of tea a day and walks around talking like he's the fucking Prime Minister! Instead of having a bloody alien as a friend he will instead have a Gordon god damn Brown as a friend, who goes around calling people bigots! You bigot!
They all live at 1066 Windsor Street, in a large manner house in which they have many butlers. Hanging from the walls of the house are thousands of paintings of Queen Elizabeth and David Cameron. He has a son called Steven who has pledged abstinence. He gets no sexual desires at all and just sits at home, reading The Times newspaper while drinking Tea and eating Scones. He looks forward to his first glass of port.

The daughter will be called Henrietta Humpledink who spends the day sewing dresses for mother before roaming the streets of London at night as a high class hooker. She speaks with a cockney accent and agrees that women shouldn’t have as much rights as men (I have been asked to point out by the producer that this is indeed a joke.)
The mother of the children stays at home all day as in the country of England women cannot get jobs or do anything without their husbands BEFORE 19 FUCKING 28.
So look out for this TV show when it comes out next year, in my imagination.
So what was I talking about before I got onto that, oh yeh American Dad, which by watching it has made me want to go outside and get a life as far away from this crap as humanely possible. Now go away.