Welcome all

Hello all and welcome to my blog (this is one of the nicest things you will ever here me say), in which i will whine and be cynical about different things until you'll either want to put a bullet through your head or drown yourself in your own piss.

I am now Jooseman, the Artist formerly known as Jonith, and I have stopped using the name Jonith regularly (however do still have many accoun named Jonith, so go by both) as it got confusing, So call me Jooseman or Joose or whatever. Call me TwatBucket if it pleases you.

Our Youtube Channel
Rants up on this blog on Friday if I've done one, just too add a little bit of schedule here.

Anyway thats all from me, and also check out Rofling Officer Productions. He is a collaborater of mine.

Saturday, 26 March 2011

Montages and Zzirgrizz

Montages are the gaming worlds equivalent of you’ve been framed, even up to the point that I would rather stick my head into a blender than watch either. The standard montage includes a bunch of nobs, ooooohing and ahhhhhing over kills which we mere mortals shouldn’t even be able to watch without our heads exploding, as if they were falling down a well.

And just to kick more sand into my already hurting wounds, most are done on the Black ops multiplayer, a game which is more painful for me to play than being punched constantly by David Haye in the balls. It is full of tweleve year old kids who have, if you take everything they say as fact, officially shagged my mum more times that there are condoms in the world, and these are usually the sort of people who make montages, probably while being bottle fed and burped after dinner. Awwww who’s the annoying liccle Cod player.

That is, except the greatest Call of Duty player in the history of man, and probably came into being after God shagged Jesus, and his name, (everyone bow in awe) Zzirgrizz. Actually no, he’s just as big of a cunt as the rest of them. People go on and on about him being the greatest player ever, probably because if they stop he’d shoot there cats or something. His name reminds me of a dyslexic with ADHD falling asleep on the keyboard. He may as well have been called jkgdskahkhcd, or just prick.
People say he’s the greatest Call of Duty player of all time, but I do not see what’s special about him, his Kill to Death ratio is about the same as almost everyone else I know who plays Black ops (except mine, but the games shitter than a cow field), and his play time makes him seem like he lives in some parallel universe in which time has been banned by law, so he can play it for however many 100’s of hours he has. After that much time I’d have probably gone crazy and started torturing my pet dog, or imagining I’m in the mind of a cunt, being a cunt, making cuntish videos, kinda like him.

He probably sits at home, shaving his pubes, while eating more food than is owned by an American Mcdonalds. He is more of a stereotypical geek than the average wow player is a nerd and a murderer after being classed so by the Daily Mail because one happened to live near Madeline McCann. However I won’t let his life do the talking, as he probably doesn’t have one, and is too tired to even start talking about it because he lifted his finger, so we’ll concentrate on one of his Montages, as they are all more similar than something which is very similar to a thing it is very similar to.

Well the montage I have chosen is his recent Christmas one, and it starts off basically the same as all of them, except it seems to have a paedophilic Mexican breathing heavily down the mic at the start, however this soon cuts off to the standard kills he seems to be doing every game, with his eys shut, while taking his goldfish out to be neutered, but he doesn’t, as you can tell from him flashing between maps and classes as if he’s trying to make epileptics seizure with the power of movie maker. He must do about 10 games to just get one kill like that, and if I ever had time to do that, I wouldn’t. Seriously with that much time I’d at least do something more interesting than licking a TV screen all day.
And then you have his other videos, which are about as good as a secret meeting between Pol Pot, Adolf Hitler, and Joseph Stalin fighting other who had the best genocidal techniques. You have him droning on and on about how his place on the ranking ladder show how good he is, all the while you get him being shot to pieces by a cat playing guitar hero. However his “fans” and by that I mean Rentboys and by that I mean people who always give him blowjobs, make up more excuses for him than his mum, when his doctor told him he was obese. This guy is only good at being lifted by a crane to KFC.

So please stop making your cuntish videos Zzirgrizz, or I will come round to your house and take all your food and your Xbox, so you will have to cry in your sleep, probably leading to your heart attack. Now fuck off you twat.

Saturday, 19 March 2011

Total War: Shogun 2 Review

Considering some bastards seemed to get more lost than Archduke Franz Ferdinand with an out of date sat nav, I received Shogun 2 a few days after every other total war lover had already torn of the wrapping, polished the cover and spunked over their monitor, so this review will not be as complete as it should be. I can’t blame some delivery company for this though can I; they may have fallen through some black hole TO A HOUSE WHICH WASN’T MINE. Actually no, there just cunts who didn’t deliver it on time, I bet they pissed on the box as well.

Anyway back to the actual game, and the first thing I noticed was the artistic style/ graphics, which are so bright and colourful that you feel like you’ve just got high in a circus while having a fight with Picasso. It takes a while to get used to, after the very similar styles of the previous total war games. The new interface is also more confusing than a hooker who looks after children at a nursery in her spare time and is training to become a nun. It takes so long to get used to you may as well sail around the world, having a boat party with Stephen Hawking and Mohatma Ghandi.

So first question, is it better than Rome or Medieval 2? Short answer no, you idiot, however this surprises me less than seeing a dog giving his inauguration speech while being tossed off by your mum in a peanut costume. Of course it wasn’t going to be better, if it was I would jump up and down like an angry guard on a trampoline. To be better than Rome or Medieval it would have to do something revolutionary, not just make you seem like you're unconscious in the local Meth lab.

The main point is though, is it better than Empire or Napoleon? And luckily the answer to this question is yes. Unlike them two, battles now don’t feel like you’ve stepped into the world’s most boring shouting match which occasionally killed people from boredom or stepping onto a rock. It was boring watching identikit soldiers shooting each other with a worse aim than Professor Aim Bad and his Technicolor shit shot. At least now we get to watch the soldiers charge in like Cod fans at a double point’s weekend. Oh and the bows don’t feel as if there being shot by Jesus anymore so can’t shoot bullets across the map at the rate of Superman after seeing an attractive woman.

So after playing a few custom battles to get myself use to the game, I, like a brain surgeon on crack, ventured into the uncharted waters of campaign. The first thing I noticed was that the money that you start with has been dropped as if it was the head of Treyarch at birth. So I started playing this campaign and I realised, compared to Empire this game is harder than a hard man with an erection. After marching all my troops’ miles away just to finish off a rebel army, the enemy decided it would be a good time to drop my pants and rape me royally up the arse. My army then had to match back quicker than Usain Bolt when he needs a shit, and defeat this army with no time to replenish. This fucked up my army so bad they may as well have all been drunk at the bottom of the ocean.

That was the moment I realised Creative Assembly had decided to give all there plucky young Japanese recruits swimming lessons, and land an army of soldiers at my back door quicker than a Formula 1 driver on speed in a jet plane, before taking my capital. Shit, perhaps starting off on Hard has become a bit more self explanatory this time.

So what else is different, oh yeah, the Naval battles, which last time felt like you were waiting for Half Life 2: Episode 3 to come out. Even on a faster speed you were still fighting as fast as it takes a tortoise to die. They were the worst part of the game, even worse than that secret movie were you can watch A George Washington sex scene with King George the 3rd which I just made up to piss off Americans and illustrate my point some more. I could somehow outnumber the enemy 3:1 and still get kicked in the balls more than a football. What had they got to fight me, the frigging Tardis. It doesn’t help that whenever I had perfectly positioned my ships to fire all my cannons at there's, my ships decided to turn around and flash there arses at the others before being pounded to dust, who had they got to captain my boats, the fucking village people.

So forgive me for being a little sceptical almighty lord when you said that the naval battles will feel more like sieges or other land based battles. But they are, so that showed me. At least the boats can move faster than a car in central London now due to the added ingredient of oars, and the use of bows on most boats now allows me shoot my enemies without caring what my retarded captains are doing. Because of all this, they are actually quite fun and you can use more tactics short of being Admiral Nelson in a submarine.

So that brings me onto the issues, and there are still some, but less noticeable, for example the AI will still occasionally start re arranging its archers like a nerd with OCD will keep re arranging the Warhammer. The generals also still seem to get to much of a hard one on whenever they see a battle and can charge into it like a rapid chipmunk, however once there in the battle they don’t seem to do much, and one of them seemed to just stand there, letting me shoot holes in his body with arrows as he was probably working out where to go on a map.

Saturday, 12 March 2011


Unless you've been stuck inside your impenetrable fortress, sticking cotton wool in your ears, while screaming Justin Bieber songs like a retard for the past 8 months your bound to have heard of Minecraft. It's like it's creators have told people to constantly mention there games on the sly so then they can stand up and say, look we did no advertising. Kinda like after the Iraq war when George Bush said that all evidence pointed to there being WMD's in Iraq. It seems I can't go 5 minutes without somebody shouting, "have you found any Diamond", or "are those magic mushrooms that they just added to the game any good."

Yes Minecraft, that game which feels like it's got Multiple Personality Syndrome, it hasn't yet worked out whether it's a casual relaxing game or one which shoves cartoon spiders and monsters in your face more often than that paedophile down the street shoves cock in your child. I'm just standing there minding my own business murdering the whole population of animals faster than Hitler can say holocaust (don't worry, the animals somehow respawn... at a fullgrown state and a personality which just makes them want to start shagging dirt blocks. I see Darwins theory went well) without a giant penis thing blowing itself up in my face.

Eventually, after hearing people rave about this game more than that strange person up the street has rang a bell shouting the end of the world is coming, I decided to buy this game because, hey, it wasn't that expensive. So that's what I did before, just after downloading, it turned out the fucking minecraft servers were down again. Eventually the game decided "hey, we've pissed him off enough now" and let the game work. So then it decided to drop me into a land onto some sand. Some nice peacful music was playing at this time but all I was doing was thinking, a shotgun would make this game better. Then ten minutes later, when the game seems to get bored of day and allow you to explore the night like that mysterious stalker who followed you yesterday, some topiary figures cut to look like dicks walked up to me and blew my legs up to the moon before some spider came and teabagged my body. STILL WANTING A SHOTGUN OVER HERE.

That pissed me off, i'm going to get revenge on these monsters, but then, after being sexual assaulted by some skeletons and there arrows, i decided to start another world, after watching some videos to help me. First thing, beat the wood with my hand, which sounds like my average day if i've got nothing better to do. Next use that wood to craft a load of other more useful wood based products until eventually you've made a pickaxe. Now the skys going dark you idiot, you should have done that quicker, now find some coal to make some torches. Now you've got the coal make some torches, you used all you wood to make pickaxes, you idiot. Quickly go out and get more before you get killed by monsters. Now dig a hole and cry yourself to sleep.

Thats basically the only thing which has any purpose in the game, now you make your own goals, which i did. I decided i wanted to make a large base and a network of smaller bases with giant towers, connecting them all together with a large walkway in the sky, those damn terrorists won't get me up there. A few hours later, while I was decorating a small bedroom i dug into a huge underground cave system a large army of explosives experts charged into by house and made it look like a mansion in Somalia. Yeah thanks for that, I always want somebody in my game to ruin my fun. Now all i've got is a load of floating towers which i cannot access.

It isn't really a game, more a playground in which your children regularly get molested by paedophiles or killed by axe wielding maniacs which spoil there fun. They may as well have got a random bully to come out and constantly kick sand in my face whenever I try and play. However it is fun and after playing it for 4 hours i realised, i'm quite enjoying this, once I had a diamond sword, so i could kill all them creatures looking like a playboy, millionare, pimp. Them bastards won't know what hit em. Oh no ive fallen into the lava again and lost all my stuff, oh for fuck sake.

Tuesday, 1 March 2011


Nintendo, nintendo, nintendo. When will you stop pleasing people with your great games which appear to be clones of the ones thats you made when you first started. oh yeah, YOU STOPPED THAT AFTER THE FIRST FUCKING TIMES YOU MADE THEM GAMES.

Now Dan had wrote a blog post about nintendo a few months ago and I touched on the subject in my Console Wars for Dummies but now felt like a good time to write another on the subject, why you may ask, enquistavly, like a retard might want to see if he can fly. Well the answer to your question is the impending doom of the Nintendo 3DS (otherwise knows as. We want your money, give us your money, its different, look it's different), which, when eventually released across the world, will cause the worlds largest disaster as Zelda and Mario grow to 500ft tall and stomp across cities, causing chaos and spawning countless copies of themselves (like Nintendo have been doing for years.)

Anyway back on track, the Nintendo 3DS, it's the sort of thing that would appeal to the idiots who stare at there useless, shiny white boxes made by apple, before showing other people there boxes, and then smacking the person around the face with there boxes and then tossing themselves off with there boxes and then tossing other people of with there boxes before walking down the street like one of those pricks out of any advert you see, making all the people who don't own one look like tits. F**K OF YOU F**KING TWATS.

It even has one of those snazzy nicknames which sound like it was dreamt up by the average 16 year old after a few drinks to appeal to all his tosser friends. Acctually no it dosn't, it sounds like a name thought up by a middle aged man dreaming about robots while having a shit as a way to appeal to the "coooool kids." Basically they may as well have called it the Itendo 3DS.

They say it's a 3D device which you don't need glasses for, which sounds like a great idea until you realise its a hand held device made by Nintendo, so it would probably be filled with Mario, Mario and more Mario, all the while filled up with happy colours. And to be honest, playing a small handeheld device if you needed to wear glasses would make you look like your advertising yourself to be robbed.... oh and an idiot.

The problem with Nintendo (other than my constant hate for them because of there gimmicks which make me want to grab there wii remote and shove it up Marios arse) is that there marketing office basically consists of them staring at posters of there old games before turning back around to the white board and shouting MARIO. Subsequentlly awards and gold rain down onto them, as people jump Mario up onto blocks so much he's probably got a concussion and risks not waking up. YOU MONSTERS.

Nintendo believe that they can run a gaming company on games they made 20 years ago, which for the time where great games, the first few Mario games were great and now looking back, so here the Zelda games.

The problem is, playing a small italian plumber constantly looking for a Prostitute while being sucked off by some stupid toadstool creatures gets old very, very quickly. Oh look the princess just happens to be in another IDENTICAL castle which we also didn't notice even though it seems to be a few hundred metres from our village. God those toad guys are dumb.

And then when they can't think of a slight change to the game (like there happen to be more bricks, or Mario is now better at plumbing, even though thats not what the game is about) they just re release there old games constantly, again and again, in retro packages, which they may as well label there console.

It's not just Mario who makes you feel like you've just stepped into the tardis, but theres also Zelda, where all the main characters seem to have an extremely bad case of amnesia as they forget what happened to them through the other bloody games, even going as far as forgetting how to use a sword. Theres also Donkey Kong (the first game was great), Metroid and what they seem to be doing now Wii F**king sports, in which they release to games with basically the same sports, and the new ones make you want to start banging your head against a Nuclear Bomb anyway.

As you may know I hate motion controllers and think there cheap gimmiky objects to make little old ladies coooh and awwww over games, and I think something similar about 3D things, there expensive gimiky objects that you can impress people with if they come round to one of your many dinner parties but the rest of the time it will just rest there, gaining dust as theres nothing to do on them yet.

I feel sorry for Nintendo, they have no hope and are disulussioned about how great they are.