Welcome all

Hello all and welcome to my blog (this is one of the nicest things you will ever here me say), in which i will whine and be cynical about different things until you'll either want to put a bullet through your head or drown yourself in your own piss.

I am now Jooseman, the Artist formerly known as Jonith, and I have stopped using the name Jonith regularly (however do still have many accoun named Jonith, so go by both) as it got confusing, So call me Jooseman or Joose or whatever. Call me TwatBucket if it pleases you.

Our Youtube Channel
Rants up on this blog on Friday if I've done one, just too add a little bit of schedule here.

Anyway thats all from me, and also check out Rofling Officer Productions. He is a collaborater of mine.

Saturday, 29 May 2010


As I am a lazy bastard I cannot be bothered watching some crappy TV and then writing some crappy jokes about it on one of these very crappy columns, while drinking my crappy cup of tea so you can read about my crappy life while thinking about your crappy life while watching some crappy TV in a world which is basically crap.
Anyway as I cannot be bothered watching those TV shows I have decided to ask some other people who I know to submit a one word answer to the question what should I write about? At first it took them a while to work out what I wanted firstly telling me TV shows I could talk about even though I had all ready told them I didn’t want to talk about that and then secondly I got so much random comments that I found it very hard to say anything about them. To be honest all this was an experiment in futility but here I go at trying to think of my crappy jokes to say about these random things. God I hate my life.
House: I said I didn’t want to say anything about any TV shows but most people just gave me TV shows as their ideas as if that's the only thing they can talk about so here goes for the first one.
HouseSeason 6 of House has ended this week, closing a season which by most people could be classed as the worst ever season, with too many long storylines of no importance to the plot. The good thing though is that the program ended with a high, involving a collapsed crane, House contemplating if he should go back to taking vicodin and Cuddy finishing Lucas before telling House she loves him. Anyway here are my two requests for next season:
1. Get rid of all long storylines except ones for House, Wilson or Cuddy storylines involving House. Maybe flesh out one of the characters in one episode but don’t take it out to long.
2. Don’t make House to sympathetic with terminal patients unless it’s like how he was with the trapped woman in the finale, when he felt sorry for not just her but also himself, which made him angry when she died.

20/20: The next suggestion I got was the one about England winning the Cricket 20/20 world cup, which for most people makes them think we are good, but aren't most countries good at a sport when you are one of the eight countries who seriously compete while the rest are just filler. Any of you who did watch the final though, did you see those people who were dressed up as giant coloured condoms. Now that’s entertainment.

Finales: Lost also finished this week in a finale which was showed at the same time as in America so it was stupidly shown at 5:00 in the morning. Lost is supposedly one of the most complicated programs in TV so this is what I have worked out the story to be. Try escape from the island, time travel, time travel, parallel universes, nuclear bomb, Locke’s dead but isn’t really dead but he actually is because the new Locke is some smoke monster in disguise. Anyway as the only episode I ever watched is the final I have worked out is that Jack Shephard has been chosen by Jacob (there god) to battle Locke/ Smoke Monster who is trying to destroy the island with some reset button while the rest of them try to escape. There is also some parallel universe in which they can remember each other if they touch each other and also if they get certain injuries in one it effects them in the other but it doesn't work for some injuries. Eventually the parallel universe turns out to be some sort of purgatory and that is all I could work out. Also I have heard in earlier episodes there are polar bears for no apparent reason, or there may be, if I had bothered to watch it. Altogether the plot is as strange as that Japanese paedo dog advert.
Also finishing this week is Ashes to Ashes which I have watched but is still as strange as Lost and as I cannot be arsed going into the plot I will say about how 24 is ending in 2 weeks and I believe for the last episode Jack should torture 5 million people in an endless amount of ways before talking really quietly or shouting at the top of his voice. Oh crap that's every other episode. Well at least make it end by revealing that Jack got shot and went back in time while thinking about some strange island in which there are a load of people trying to get home but he is in fact in some purgatory while being chased by some polar bear. Now roll on the next answer.

Daniel: He is the creator of something on YouTube which he believes will start filming soon when it will probably not. The thing is called Both Extremes and is basically this, but in video form which is explained by the fact these rants were supposed to be for his blog before he dropped me. He has a potato shaped head and believes his videos will be a hit even though his highest watched video except his music thing he put up his like 112 views.

Tits, sex, pornography: The problem with things like this is the fact that many people will want me to talk about things to explicit to write about, so I won’t.

Windows and Trees: The other problem about these things is that you get so many random suggestions you cannot talk about them in detail. So I will just cover these things quickly, they were both invented by the CIA. God I’m talking gibberish today, somebody hit me.
So after this experiment I have found out that it is pointless and idiotic leaving me writing about TV which I didn’t want to, other things people already know about, a person that somebody knows, explicit thing and random gibberish. This was stupid. Anyway next week solving the BP oil spill using Facebook.

Thursday, 20 May 2010

12 Sure Fire Ways to Save House

So then House MD, for people who know me you will know this is among my favourite shows, but recently this show has become barely watchable. Wait. Come back! I know this is among the most the most popular shows on T.V but admit it, even all you diehard fans know this once unmissable show is losing its greatness with stretched out story lines and relationships we don’t give a damn about (admit it the Foreman, Thirteen relationship in season 5 was absolute TV crap.) I normally go on my laptop while it’s on, that's how bad it’s begun, and friends who I know used to like it have stopped watching it completely. We’re not alone either; ratings have dropped across the Atlantic in America.

By the way if you don’t know what House MD is, it is about Dr Gregory House-a doctor with no bedside manner-tries to solve complex medical cases with the help of his team.

Anyway I can’t wait until the finale of season 6, as the final episode of House seasons are usually great, but what’s stopping them going back to the original s&@t in the next season. So with this in mind, and in an attempt to save my former favourite show, I modestly give you these twelve ways to save House. For free. Yea I know I’m great like that.

1. Make the patients more real, at the moment the patient may as well be a robot (and that really won’t work as how does a robot get sick,-if you think they can have a guess what you are (an Idiot obviously)-and they won’t be able to get insulted by House.) Also make them get sick in new ways, at the moment it is, two friends are together, one of them starts coughing “Are. Are you ok” asks the other, before collapsing on the floor. Change it now!

2. Get rid of all the crap relationships, the main one I mention being Foreman, Thirteen-which thankfully ended at the start of this season.-Have the creators forgotten the name of the show, well for a reminder its House. Now repeat that House, House, House. What is it, no it’s not bloody Foreman MD.

On almost this same point is the overextended storylines, like the Dibala case at the start of this season, oh my god Chase has killed a dictator this could be interesting for a couple of episodes... 8 episodes later F@&k my life WE ALREADY BLOODY KNOW CHASE KILLED SOMEONE.

3. Lucas, bloody Lucas the private investigator who disappears from the series until now when he's dating Cuddy. Probably doing his other job as AN ANNOYING LITTLE PIPSQUEAK. He needs to be killed off (or got rid of humanely.) If you want a PI like guy why don’t you just go the whole way and replace him with Jack Bauer. That would make it so much more interesting, while also giving me a quick way to link this to my next point.

4. Make Season 7 an obvious 24 rip off. House has 24 hours to save Jack Bauer from some deadly disease, while also battling terrorists who want to blow up THE WORLD (or kill the president, or set off a bio weapon, or do something with a nuke. They’ve all been repeated over and over again on 24.) Anyway the season should last 24 hours and House and his team should all become secret agents with their own little guns and everything. Oh and Wilson should say at the start Previously on House

5. House’s cane has been broken so he wants to buy another but all the cane shops are closed. (Hey it could work.)

6. House travels back to back in time to December 3rd 1967 in a race against time to be the first person to perform a Heart Transplantation.

7. House travels back in time to stop himself from using a dodgy American accent instead of his actual English one.

8. Have House travel the universe as The Doctor’s nemesis to try to prove he is the greatest doctor on television.

9. House has been transformed into a glacier and he must diagnose complicated global warming problems in order to survive.

10. House and Housability, a romantic version of house set in the 18th century. Hugh Laurie could wear the costume he used in Blackadder the third. While this is happening House must also diagnose 18th century medical problems. Most answers will be Smallpox, plague or scurvy (in one episode he has to be on a boat.) Most of the cases die, like they would before the age of 30 anyway.

11. Stop House from going from jerk to sympathetic doctor in the blink of an eye. A normal House conversation when talking to a fat, terminal patient would be like “You look like a hippo” “I’m terminal” “I, I’m sorry, is there anything I can do.”

12. Don’t do any of these except 1,2,3 and 11

Friday, 14 May 2010

Opinionated D&@ks

God I hate people reviewers, who the f@&k do they think they are the fat basteds, sitting at home eyes glued to the TV, occasionally glaring at their shatty laptop to write down the thoughts on whatever the f&@k they were watching like it is a matter of life and death (which wouldn’t matter for them as they can all die for all I care.) Using their c&@tish hands and their c&@tish brains. The c&@ts.

To be honest though I hate anybody with opinions, why the hell do ordinary people need opinions, it’s not like there politicians or protest groups (actually I hate them as well, who do they think they are blocking traffic and such things just to get us to believe in what they do. I have an idea to stop protesters however, whenever a protest is going on with their crappy little signs we have a lone sniper, waiting on the rooftops and suddenly BAM a dead protester, the rest of them run scared and confused, so at that moment we send in the police, not the ordinary police however but robot police (or Daleks if you can get the rights, that would be so much cooler and everyone would love the Daleks, they would be really chummy when nothing his happening and will happily pose for photos, but as soon as a protest starts happening, they turn into vicious killing machines, exterminating people left, right and centre, think of how cool that would look on the front page u newspapers. Actually I would also ban them-except the guardian-but that can be saved for another time) so as I was saying we would get robot police to march into the protesters with shot guns, and body parts would fly everywhere and It would be kind of funny to see, In a horrific, depressing sort of way, if you were a sociopath, or a serial killer.)

Anyway if you haven’t got the point yet its f&@k off you little opinion s&@ting machines, you should all shut up, and if you don’t want to do that then we will force you to shut up, probably with storm troopers, but even then you will probably have opinions on that, spurting self-important proclamation after self-important proclamation out of your bloody big self-important gob.

Never has there been more chances in history to give your opinions, you can print it in newspapers, text and phone into the news channels, give it on them shatty chat shows, shout it on the radio, write it on your computers or just say it in real life, take your pick, because this next thing applies to all of you, we need to kill everyone with opinions, and here is how. We need to replay every opinion which has ever come out of the gobby little mouth, into their ears at deafeningly high volumes, through headphones which cannot be removed until their head finally blows up and we could televise this, asking viewers for their opinions to the carnage their seeing, before tracing their phone calls and doing the same thing to them, until eventually the Earth has only one person left on it, me. Sitting back in my reclining armchair laughing about what I am seeing. This is pretty much my answer for everything.

Anyway you may be thinking now that this thing isn’t going anywhere, but it is because all this leads onto opinions about you tube videos, for example s&@ty Raywilliamjohnson (who coincidently will be one of the first to die) makes regular videos expressing his opinions on internet clips. I hate him and I hate everyone who copies off him. Which is where one of the stars (well I say stars I mean crap factories) of the website your reading this on comes in. He had made a video called =p, which is an exact copy of Ray’s =3 except with shatter sound and him reviewing mainly his own video clips as if he wants others who don’t know him have no f@&king idea what he's on about. Takes one episode, it’s called one ball and is about this guy who supposedly lost his ball, however the whole bloody episode doesn't mention the fact about his one ball until the end, were he says if you have any plastic balls, please donate them. I bet the viewers at home were like “WHAT THE F&@K, why is it called one ball and why do we have to donate a plastic one.”

Anyway that is all from me now as I am bored, so go away and remember DON’T GIVE OPINIONS.

-In Fairness to =p Paedo dog was funny but it was already used on =3 so doesn't count.

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Overrated Comedians

Michael Mcintyre, Michael f@&king Mcintyre, to most people the funniest comedian ever, or something like that. Well I find him as funny as a terminal disease. It’s not just Mcintyre either, what about Lee Evans, or Peter Kay. Both not funny at all, I have never seen the appeal with what they do, If anybody knows the reason please tell me. I never knew millions of people could be wrong, oh, George Bush got into power twice in America; well I didn’t believe millions of British people could be wrong.

Well figure my disgust when I was watching the new series of Russell Howard’s Good News. Russell Howard being one in the list of overrated comedians, actually to be honest the regulars on Mock the Week are all pretty much overrated (well except Hugh Dennis, as Outnumbered is as funny as usual.) The only reason these comedians can seem funny on Mock the Week is because they test out there jokes beforehand. So back to Good News, to anybody who hasn’t seen this “comedy” show, it is Russell Howard saying “jokes” about different things which have been in the news this last week. The worst part of the show is obviously the mystery guest part, were a guest who he “supposedly” doesn't know anything about appears and he asks him questions, it’s as funny as if every kitten in the world died of leukaemia suddenly over night (which I expect to happen sometime soon. I wouldn’t actually be that shocked considering the news nowadays.) The final part of the show is about good news and different people who have done something good. It practically says they are better than us for what they have done, which I believe is a bit unfair (but as I’m a hypocrite I am better than you Russell and I’m not even a comedian, yea so f off)

The first jokes of the show are usually edited scenes off the news, with everything cut out except some sexual word (to be honest there not all sexual, saying hard in a sentence is only dirty if you say it in the right voice.) Then it occasionally shows things like funny speeding excuses, which people laugh at like its Russell who came up with these, well it’s not why don’t you f&@king idiots open your little mind, they were shown on Have I Got News For You which was shown earlier, and that even had funny commentary from the panellists. They do this with many clips as well, it’s like they purposely invite the biggest idiots into the audience. What really can you expect though BBC3 was created to attract the specialist audience, the biggest idiots in Great Britain.

I’ve always believed that comedians who have to put a funny voice on something that doesn't need it to have one are as funny as drowning dogs and this had not just proved it, its gone and shoved it up the arse of the viewing public.

He isn’t the only overrated comedian on this week either, there is also The Ricky Gervais Show, showing cartoons of his podcast. It is basically Ricky and Stephen laughing at Karl Pilkington because of how much of an idiot he is and his stupid ideas. It is so unfunny I’d rather a Steamroller rolled over my balls. Anyway that's basically the show, nothing else happens, nothing better, nothing worse (because that’s how bad it is already.)

Anyway I’ve already been cynical enough in this post and as I am writing this on election night I would rather keep in some of my anger to insult the politicians so I would just like to say my pick for election night is Channel 4’s Alternative Election Night, a show which looks like you would laugh hard enough to cry. The fact that Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell are in it makes it even better. (I’m not saying the other main host Jimmy Carr is bad, I’m just saying the other two are a lot better.) Anyway if the adverts are anything to go by it should be very funny and I may do a whole review of it, along with the election, next week. If I can be bothered.

So as I was talking about overrated comedians at the start of this article, I will now name my favourites and also favourite comedy shows:

· Have I Got News For You

· Frank Skinner’s Opinionated

· You Have Been Watching

· Harry and Paul

· Charlie Brookers Newswipe

· Charlie Brookers Screenwipe

· Charlie Brookers Gameswipe

· The Peep Show

· David Mitchell

· Robert Webb

· Hugh Laurie

· Frank Skinner

· Paul Merton

· And many others, including the greatest comedian on television in this century, a man who has written for pc zone, and is still writing for the Guardian. I have already mentioned his shows, but a special award goes to Charlie Brooker, for how great and funny he is.

Actually that is to sentimental so go watch the news. That's a programme were sentimental doesn’t mean a crap. Now get lost.

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Doctor who and Britain’s Got Talent

I am going to get a lot of criticism for this, but I genuinely believe that Matt Smith, the newest Doctor, is as good as David Tennant. Yes this is Doctor Who, the BBC’s best Saturday family drama and in my eyes one of their greatest programs.

So which idiot in the BBC trails department decided in a recent episode it was a good idea to put a bloody cartoon of Graham Norton dancing at the bottom of the screen, AT ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT PARTS OF THE PROGRAMME, WHY DON’T YOU JUST WIPE S&@T ALL OVER THE SCREEN NEXT WEEK. Yes this is the story about how the Doctors new arch enemy, the BBC’s trail department managed to defeat him with a small Graham Norton, to advertise their newest Andrew Lloyd Webber show Over the Rainbow which I haven’t watched yet as it seems to be the X Factor aimed at the old women and Gay men audience demographic. So I’m going by advertisements here, which makes me believe that the singers are watched over by their overlord Andrew Lloyd Webber, who looks as if he caught the plastic surgeon on an off day.

ITV have also got into talent show proceedings with a new series of Britain’s Got Talent the most uplifting s&@fest ever, which I have only just started watching due to being stuck in Egypt for an extra 4 days. Anyway a brief rundown of what Britain’s got Talent. Some people who THINK they have got talent, or others who don’t seem that special but are children so how good they are is suddenly doubled, (unless there fat or ugly) sing, dance, do magic, shat in a cup for our entertainment and what they hope will eventually entertain the queen. (Honestly who the hell thought the queen would be entertained by a break dancing group. If only Nick Griffin was watching. ) Before entertaining the queen they must first entertain the three judges who all have a buzzer, and if all three of the judges press there buzzer the act must ashamedly stop what they are doing and get the piss taken out. Anyway the judges are Simon Cowell, (a man who seems like he’s trying to get the position of God) who is only doing this programme to get another how many million pounds, then there's Amanda Holden who’s only job seems to be to start crying whenever there's a sob story, or there's a really young child. And finally there's Piers Morgan, a man who has no qualifications at all to judge people on talent as I am amazed he can speak without having to check his throat for s@&t every 5 minutes.

Last year Simon Cowell said some s&@t about not judging someone by their looks, which seems to have gone down the toilet pretty fast, with fat and people being put down every five minutes. If you really want to make this program good you should get the license for Daleks, admit it that would scare the s@&t out of the contestants and would still probably have more personality then Piers Morgan. Also STOP VOTING FOR LITTLE KIDS OUT OF SYMAPATHY!

Anyway talking about Daleks lets go back to talking about Dr Who which I seem to have got a bit sidetracked from. Did anyone see the Daleks that were on a few weeks ago, it seemed as if they’d just mated the original Daleks with a Bendy bus, and there catchphrase seems to have gone downhill “do you want a cup of tea” which was quite funny.

How come so many people still believe Dr Who is a children’s show, it might be designed to scare children but really the drama in it is perfect for adults as well.

Oh and as I said before about Dr Who being one of the best programmes on BBC 1 it still isn’t as good as Ashes to Ashes which is working up to be as good a series as ever which by the last episode should have answered all our questions. Now go away.

Welcome to The Blog

Hello, this is my new blog containing reviews of Tv, Film and Games trying to work out what has happened to make entertainment this bad. I will also come up with some fake TV shows which i expect to be on TV in 10 years. Anyway i'm sure you didn't really mean to come to this blog, so go away now, or don't it's your choice. If you must you could use the computer your reading this on to wipe your arse, or hit the person next to you in the head. I couldn't care. Anyway i hope you have more fun reading this than i had writing it, which you will, because i hated absoloutly every moment. Now get lost!

Oh if you find this other blog with the same articles as this, i have let him use them.