Welcome all

Hello all and welcome to my blog (this is one of the nicest things you will ever here me say), in which i will whine and be cynical about different things until you'll either want to put a bullet through your head or drown yourself in your own piss.

I am now Jooseman, the Artist formerly known as Jonith, and I have stopped using the name Jonith regularly (however do still have many accoun named Jonith, so go by both) as it got confusing, So call me Jooseman or Joose or whatever. Call me TwatBucket if it pleases you.

Our Youtube Channel
Rants up on this blog on Friday if I've done one, just too add a little bit of schedule here.

Anyway thats all from me, and also check out Rofling Officer Productions. He is a collaborater of mine.

Friday, 30 March 2012

L.A Noire Interrogation Rant

Because I'm a lazy bastard who forgot that he didn't talk about the interrogation in his rant about L.A Noire, as well as the fact that I want to milk this more than an electrified milking machine in a BDSM club, here is my rant about the interrogation system from the game, possibly one of the most useless things ever to be placed into a game ever.

I hate puzzle games. Puzzle games are the equivalent to gaming as pornography about elephants is to classy videos on the internet. What's the point with Puzzle games? They come across a nice, casual game, before promptly showing you a decapitated head of a parent and sending you into a mental breakdown. If that's the sort of thing you call casual, you are probably less likeable than a tape worm doing a Hitler impression.

And then you get puzzle games disguising themselves as normal games, such is the interrogation system in L.A Noire. This game thought it could trick me, but it couldn't because I have the cunning of a dead fox in an incinerator. It thought I would think this a fun, action game, but no. It's actually a puzzle game in which you stare creepily into people's faces for 5 hours like a dead pervert.

The interrogation in this game involves interrogating people amazingly, by forcing you to look at the people's faces (who I may remind you, look like somebody who's just been curb stomped into a pile of gravel and dog shit). After looking at people's faces, you have to guess at 1 of 3 options which you have down the side... Except occasionally you can remove one of these options, which is retarded, and is like in an actual interrogation you forced the prisoner to suck your cock if he lied. No matter that, it's not exactly Lie to Me style facial deduction, more if Micky Mouse became a policeman and had to question rapists for a Disney straight to TV movie.

These are not the only problems with the whole interrogation thing. The main one is that they have to get actors to pretend to lie for some of them. Some of them seem to be acted by the likes of Nicholas Cage (he's not actually in the game, you can lower your pitchforks) or anybody else from the School of Cannot Act, just down the road from The School of Hard Knocks. Then you have the opposite end of the scale, where the actors lie in with huge exaggeration, shuffling about as if there dick has just caught fire, and moving their heads about like they are watching Pong in the Large Hadron Collider.

And then what happens when you get it right? Detective Inspector Dick Hole the 2nd
will make an offensive comment to the person, and in today's society getting arrested for a whole bunch of prejudice laws. The thing is, when you get it wrong and they are threatening to cut your head off and replace it with an ice cube, he thanks them for their time and walks off. So apparently is Bi-Polar.

This however has got me thinking, if we are having retarded puzzles in games like this now, what else can we put in to pad out the game in a nonsensical way, and here are 3 options:

1. A beauty contest mini game in Manhunt 2. Just imagine the women walking along the catwalk as you press random combinations of buttons to take photos of the models after a hard days killing. Also you aren't told what buttons to press, it's a guess, as that's a challenge.
2. A cooking game in Amnesia: The Dark Descent. What could be better than making your freakish guest monsters omelettes for dinner while adventuring around an ancient castle. Nothing, I tell you, Nothing. Now be a nice host and go make me a cup of tea.
3. Adding a mini game to make your character have to transport an elderly woman to the bathroom in any game that you play. Don't do your back in as you carry her up the stairs in a patronising manner. This is the most riveting mini game ever, I think it would fit the pace of any Call of Duty game.
4. Adding a tower defence game to Assassins Cre... Oh bollocks.

Anyway, there are my thoughts on the Interrogation in this game, and, because I can't think of a witty way to finish of this sentence and rant here is me saying some random words: bollocks, twat, orange, cheese, cat, more cats, something about the Muppets and ice cream.

Friday, 16 March 2012

L.A Noire Rant

Ok, back to normal schedule since I have my new mouse (and have had for a while), the problem being, my normal schedule revolves around playing games, which is like telling somebody you violently rape dead squirrels. But to use an old cliché, the show must go on no matter how many of the cast are being taken away for bestiality related crimes, so here I am to you anyway to finally review a game which I have been planning on for a long time.

There have been a lot of open world sandbox games over the past year, and by past year I mean the one that ended a few months back. There was probably more sand involved than if the Sahara desert decided to invade. So how do you set your game apart from all these competitors on the market? Easy, remove any freedom that the person may be wanting to use, and force him to do certain things.

This is L.A Noire, otherwise known as GTA but with cars that drive slower than an old man being chased by a fucking disable snail. You play a cor blimey ye ol' days copper, who even though I said it like that, is not at all based in London and is in fact in Los Angeles amazingly, wonder how anybody could have worked that one out?

The main character is Cole Phelps, who appears to have had all his lines written by Nick Griffin after his meeting with Hitler. Every time he opens his mouth he says something more offensive than Charles Dickens during his adolescent years and he may as well stab himself in the arse at the start of every conversation just to make it less tedious. And it doesn't help that his voice makes him sound like the biggest twat this side of Amsterdam's red light district, he is voiced by Aaron Staton, of Mad Men fame, you know, that TV program which portrays the lives of people who think there better than you... From the 60's.

This guy also seems to have no reaction at seeing any of the crimes which have occurred. I'm pretty sure there's a psychological term for this called Fucking Psychotic. He doesn't even bat an eye lid when he sees a naked whore cut up like an orange in a blender. Perhaps he just gets turned on by this stuff, that weird shit.

However this game has a way to make this guy likeable... He's the only non-corrupt cop in the L.A.P.D. Because that is something has is never used in TV programs and is so original it probably fits their alongside all British people being evil arses. And anyway, the L.A.P.D sounds like the worst police force to become corrupt in ever, all the crimes revolve around catching traffic thieves or having some guys hat shot off by a pop gun. You may as well start a crime ring in the fucking magic roundabout for how good it is.

You slowly make your way up the ranks of the L.A.P.D which sounds an exciting thing to do when you get home from work, trying to work even more to get promoted. It must be like hell for any real police officers playing this game. What's next Rockstar? A game about starting an icecream store and trying to get it worldwide? And if you're making a game about crime, at least let me become the executioner so I can fry the annoying cunt I play as myself.

I think a major thing to talk about in this game is the supposedly amazing face technology which it has and is supposed to make all the characters look like their actual models perfectly. Apparently all the characters models where elephants with modelling clay stretched across their arses then, because the characters in this game look good in the same way that you may say a man with two heads looks good in a creepy, what the hell, kind of way. And that's not even mentioning the actual bodies of the characters, which them all walk around like they have a burning hot rod shoved up there rectum until it's coming out of their nose, they show absolutely no movement from the neck down, so they seem to have all been paralysed by rattlesnake venom.

So next to the cars, which all look like identikit boxes and move like there being pushed by a fat mechanic up Mt. Everest. They handle terrible, somebody may as well have replaced there brakes with jelly and you would be able to stop more quickly, and that's the only thing quick about these cars because they move at the speed of a snowman having a cardiac arrest. Then again, there are a few good cars, mainly the secret ones you can find for some reason at petrol stations. For example, one I found looked like The Batmobile after Batman went crazy and became an off road driver on crack, the other was a mini bus after going through a shrink ray.

Then again after all these bad points, there are worse games you could inspire to copy off when you decide to make an adventure game, which is the equivalent of choosing too end your own life or what colour socks your dog should wear. It at least manages to tell you a story without constantly forcing you into quick time events like a very pushy mother.

On a similar note though, we get to the worst part of the game, the world. It seems to advertise itself as an open world game but you quickly realise it is not, like going onto a porn website and seeing that it is now about classical art... By Picasso. Outside of missions you can't really adventure, because supposedly police can't leave the fucking police station anytime they want to, and as a police officer, you can also not kill anybody. I have a gun, let me fucking use it instead of having him store it up his arse like a huge laxative (that is shoved up the arse). Half the time you just ask your partner to drive you to destinations anyway, because L.A seems to be a ridiculously boring town, along the lines of Sheffield... And your partner is always an even bigger tosser than you.

Well this game left me annoyed, but at least I managed to get this rant finally done after promising it for the last few months. I swear more than usual here as well somehow, and I forgot to talk about the interrogation, I might do a small rant about it next week or something.