Welcome all

Hello all and welcome to my blog (this is one of the nicest things you will ever here me say), in which i will whine and be cynical about different things until you'll either want to put a bullet through your head or drown yourself in your own piss.

I am now Jooseman, the Artist formerly known as Jonith, and I have stopped using the name Jonith regularly (however do still have many accoun named Jonith, so go by both) as it got confusing, So call me Jooseman or Joose or whatever. Call me TwatBucket if it pleases you.

Our Youtube Channel
Rants up on this blog on Friday if I've done one, just too add a little bit of schedule here.

Anyway thats all from me, and also check out Rofling Officer Productions. He is a collaborater of mine.

Sunday, 5 December 2010

Ah WikiLeaks

Thank you Wikileaks over the past few days, you have successfully told us things a few 1000 things we already know about the US government. Stop with the damn drama about it, it's not like we've found out anything like the Us are holding Big Foot in a secret testing facilty to see if he flew planes into buildings at the exact same time the Government tried to blow it up. Instead we get Diplomats crying over being insulted by Prince Andrew or the news that AMAZINGLY people in the world hate North Korea, who knew, this is so riverting.

Amazingly this has been described as the cyber version of 9/11, so I presume we'll be fed news that muslims did this before thousands of idiots take to the intermet and write about things which don't get them killed for reavealing the American Governments deepest, darkest secret.

The guy who did this isn't a flipping criminal, he's the worlds greatest markerting expert. He succsesfully managed to get millions of people excited and angry about things they already knew about years ago, this man's a genius. He could sell us crap and nobody would notice, he's like George Bush before the Iraq War.

David Cameron has been described as spineless... wait isn't this the country presided over by Obama, the only things they can call spineless are jellyfish. It also tells us that Obama dosn't like Cameron, well I didn't know that. They also are confused bt the British obssession with the Special Relationship. Well they are americans so are confused by a lot of things, like walking, and basically everything else other than eating and voting in stupid politicians.

The information was taken from what seems to be the least protect computer in the world by some gay guy with a copy of a Lady Gaga cd with all the music wiped off it. To be honest he could have just done the world a favour and left the Lady Gaga cd with no music on, it would stop sombody dying by listening to that crap. It was then given to some guy who people have only just remembered is wanted for sex crimes. Well that must obviously be because they have forgot, it's not like they want to silence him or anythi... oh.

However the most shocking news, and I mean the most shocking news. Muslim countries want the US to invade Iran. Well it might be a few years before Sarah Palin comes in guys. Wait guys THE FATE OF ALL MUSLIM COUNTRIES DEPENDS ON SARAH PALIN, she probably dosn't know where Iran is... Or what Islam is. She'll probably nuke Australia. And i'd hate for her to go to war with Canada, she'll probably bomb Boston. Wait Canada, is that the place where all them immigrents come from.

Wikileaks are promising to show us UFO evidence, and there'll hopefully be something in there about Aliens shootng Kennedy with some special, moving bullets.

Prehaps this is just how bad the world is now, we are all so cynical we expect that all of our leaders would sell there own mothers for a few quid and everybody even a little different will try and blow us up (thanks Daily Mail.) I have three ways that they could have easily used to improve these leaks from the wikileaks dump. (Wow I wonder how much Comedians have had field day with that)

1. Turn it into Heat magazine. Who gives a crap that nobody like North Korea, I want to hear news about who Obama is shagging behind his wifes back. Did Susan Boyle bed Gordon Brown. CAN GORDON BROWN ACCTUALLY HAVE SEX, ARE HIS CHILDREN ADOPTED.
And then you have the fashion section. Whats that hot new look Kim Jong-Il is wearing this summer, can you pull off his hot swim suit body. Oh and whats that ring Prince William proposed to Kate Middleton with. Oh it's Diana's ring, yes Daily Express she's still dead... What, you say the French killed her.

2. TELL US ABOUT FUCKING FIFA. Why can't they give us something into Fifa Corruption, is it because you were bullied at school Assange because you could play football. Well it's one way to get Britain on your sie.

3. Just make something the damn up. Nobody could care if it's true, it's not like national security is on the li... Oh crap. Well still, say something like Obama has parties with Bin Laden and Kim Jong-Il. Most of America's population would believe that anyway. Well they blieve Obama's muslim, oh and that Glenn Beck is smart.

Also this week i found out the real story of 9/11. The US Govrnment has released thousands of ridiculus stories about them blowing the Twin Towers up so that nobody will believe the real truth. MUSLIMS FLEW PLANES INTO BUILDINGS.

Goodnight and Go Away

Monday, 22 November 2010

Console War Part 2, The Motion Control Strikes Back

Once upon a time in a galaxy far fa... Oh cut all that crap, i had a really unfunny opening which i can't be bothered doing. Motion Controls are spreading through the world quicker than a sneezed noravirus. You get Long rectangular ones and erm longish rectangulish ones with a ball on the end and ones with no controller at all, because we've all got fed up holding things... Says the employees at Microsoft after a long Masterbation sesion over Bill Gates.

Motion Controller are ussually used for people to idiotic to do actual exercise, like Daniel,who had a fun time playing Kinect, before jumping into the air and creating a hole in the floor. They are machines to make you look retarded, take the Wii and PS Move, they make you play around with long black or white things, and i've only experienced that once before, in a pub in Amsterdam but don't remind me about it, (bit bigger over there though.)

Anyway as I don't want to waffle on lets just get on with the show (that guy in Amsterdam said that to me aswell.)

PS Move

Advertised as being a Wii Mote with an attached ball/bell end on the end of it, well thats what it seems like with all the retarded, supposely funny game reviewers go on about like a Politician does lying. It was really advertised as being a more accurate Wii Mote which dosnt expect me to be Batman to play, but i wll eanyway, i like the gimp suit.

No matter what the retards tell you in the same way Fox news tells us all Muslims are bad, move is NOT a rip off of the Wii, considering Move was in development in 2001, and may not be sarmt i mean smart but im sure that was before the Wii was shit out of Nintendos gigantic arseholes where they stick Marios cock everyday like some sex craze old woman who has taken a trip to a beach in Italy.

Anyway the move was released to a... well to be honest i don't know what the fuck move was released to as i've not seen any reviewes as most reviwers have been to busy wondering what would happen if they had a wank on Kinect. Games are supposed to be better than kinect to, but thats like saying your less of a Peadophile than Gary Glitter because you only look at kids naked, and don't acctually have sex with them. YOUR STILL A FUCKING PAEDOPHILE.

Now heres one quick game review

Heavy Rain
Now some of yoy (ok none of you) may be asking, well wasn't that released half a year ago. And you'd be right, it's the exact same game/movie, except now you can move a long controller up and down quickly... Wait that sounds exactly what i do on a lonely night. Anyway back onto the game, its no replayable because first thing, some of the missions are as boring and unskippable as an unskipable thing which is really boring. And after you've done all them, the killer dosn't change anyway, it still stays as the same sat Paedophile who probably went on to become a school teacher.

Talking about Move games, most of them sound like they were named to be friendly for the retarded minority of the population, for example The Fight. No prizes for what thats about... Yes thats right, it's a flight simulator. Only joking it's a mainly Black and White video game (based around Michael Jackson's life) in which you fight random people who probably have been made up for the game like the characters in the Bible. Now as i've reached the ball (move joke there) i'll go on to kinect.


Now if you think Move is the dildo of Motion Controls, whats Kinect then, the one slut who allows cameras to watch as she fingers herself. While playing Kinect you get to play as an extremely lifelike character... YOURSELF, unless your Katie Price, or a wooden person who is very wooden with plastic feet. It's only you and the camera, well thats what you would hope it would be, because if somebody else was watching you they'd ship you to a mental asylum for being a retard.

It's major selling point was YOU are the controller/dildo/random guy running about on screen. YOU get to run. YOU get to exercise. YOU get to fly planes into buildings. YOU get to machine gun random pedestrians if they look at you funny. YOU get to molest kids. YOU well erm get to make yourseld look like somebody who cant do real exercise (some of those ideas probably wouldn't be used by microsoft anyway, they are to hardcore... You could break your leg by running making you fall over and crack your head on the floor, killing you.)

The games are also retarded on Kinext, who the hell world pay to play kinectimals, a game where u mess around with a tiger like some messed up porn scenario. Just to prove how they liked the hardcore gamer i would love to see them make the tiger try and eat you half way through.

Theres also Joyride, a game where u drive a car. Part of the fun of driving games was using a steering wheel, so no taking that away will not make it funner, it will make it more retarded. Its like taking away the ice cream when your erm eating ice cream.

Nintendo Wii

Ah the Wii, the grandad of motion controls, not the nice grandad, but the creepy one who gets excited when you sit on his knee and tries to make you jump up and down. The one who probably gets excited from standing outside schools.

Wednesday, 13 October 2010

Super Review: X Factor

Dan: The X Factor draws millions of viewers with each series, it would be like if the Queen's Christmas message featured Her Majesty shouting along to rap music and break dancing with Barack Obama (with David Cameron DJing in the back). Everyone would tune in to watch that, just like everyone tunes in to watch the X Factor. Even though the X Factor is just as hilariously stupid as the above mentioned analogy, no one seems to realise it. They all seem to think it's a reality TV show to find the next big thing in music, when all it is is a sitcom to discover who can come up with the biggest sobstory.

John: The sob stories get worse every year, and I'm pretty sure most of them make them up. In fact I might go on and say "My grandma died before I was born and my grandfather and father both got killed in Zimbabwe. My Mum commited suicide and my sister had been shot by Mugabe for being a political prisoner.". Then again only the good people get the stories. A lot easier to make fun of people without saying "hahaha your mum's dead!". Thats like adding insult to injury in the same way you could give a BNP member a black eye. They might aswell as say, fuck the music, if you're dad's dead you will be a star. To be honest I'm surprised thousands of teenagers haven't gone out to kill their fathers.

Dan: This year's series has become the most controversial series ever, partly because Dermot O'Leary can't say "controversy" right and partly because of this whole "Gamu Nhengu" storyline. After I saw the Judge's Houses episode and Gamu was sent home I immediately predicted what one of the paper's would say the next day: "CHERYL COLE IS RACIST BECAUSE GAMU DIDN'T GET THROUGH!" Sure enough I went on the Daily Mail and there it was. Even though a) She put another black person through, b) Will.I.Am helped pick her final 3, who is also black, c) She was married to Ashley Cole and d) GAMU IS INCREDIBLY OVERRATED. I keep feeling like Gamu is one of those sitcom or film characters whose one short stint on that TV Show or movie destroyed her whole life. That's certainly what the X Factor did for her. After she was deservedly sent away by Cheryl Cole her visa status was thrown into question and now her residensy in the UK hangs by a thread. Sorry make that a few thousand threads stitched together because now she's got the whole might of Simon Cowell's wealth behind her.

John: Many people want her to stay in this country for 1) She is supposedly a political prisoner and the X Factor is classed as politics now. and 2) Nobody gives a shit about that as the only reason they say she should stay is becos she can sing a little. Nobody cares about the money her family are milking out of the country more than a chronic masturbator ejaculates. I went onto the Daily Mail as this is one of the few things I can agree with them on, but even there their are thousand of comments supporting her. They are all voted down but thats not the point. This whole story makes The X Factor seem like the new Immigration test and has proably sent a messege to oppressed North Koreans.... If they could watch TV or get on the internet. Anyway Nevermind at least she can compete on the Zimbabwean singing contest, she could win her life and a bowl of rice supposed to last the year. It really dosn't bother me at least then she isn't ruining the economy more than Gordon Brown while deppressed.

Dan: My final word on the Gamu controversy is that the idiots saying that it's "tight" on Gamu for deporting her ARE FUCKING RETARDS! No it is not tight, that's like saying paedophiles shouldn't be sent to jail because it's not very nice to them. IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO BE NICE TO THEM, THEY DID SOMETHING WRONG SO THEY NEED TO PAY THEIR DEBT TO SOCIETY, just like paedophiles feel children and Gamu's mother illegally claimed benefits and her visa was refused. As far as I'm concerned it's bye-bye back to Zimbabwe for Gamu. Moving on from Gamu, this year in a bigger effort to steal more money from the idiotic drones in the population than Steve Jobs releasing the iGun to shoot you in your iHead because your iPhone 4 has lost it's fucking reception again, I bet the X Factor winner will get the Christmas number 1. It didn't happen last time, which was fucking hilarious, but it's gonna get this year, I can feel it.

John: Songs from ex-stars clog up the charts more than constipation, bringing more joys to girls than a Justin Bieber nude photoshoot. They get so much money it makes Simon Cowell more shoved up his own arse than a double jointed man experimenting. He pretends to hate the rubbish acts, but in fact sits at home, twiddling a fake moustache and lauging evilly "Chart domination is mine, young Cheryl!". They are even releasing the songs on iTunes, in a blatant copy of That's the music, or We are better than X Factor's music, whatever that thing on Sky 1 was called. It had 50 cent clone 101 on it. Anyway now onto the contestants.

Dan: The final 12 this year are probably the feeblest in the history of the show, with people like Aiden Grimshaw getting though. I kept yelling at my TV for him to OPEN HIS FUCKING EYES YOU COCKY BASTARD! What makes it so infuriating is that he's not even any fucking good so he has no reason to think he's brilliant. But he is no where near as bad as supposed superstar Cher Lloyd. Seconds after she finished her audition there were controversies brewing in the minds of the news, like some sort of cynical eyeball stew that thinks eyeball stew is horrible so it hates itself. I heard news stories about how she was too nervous to go on the live shows even though by putting a crowd on the auditions systematically made it the same as the live shows without the addition of blinding neon lights every five seconds, so why would she be more nervouse of the live shows? I read in a paper how she wouldn't be able to compete because her exams were coming up. All of this doesn't take away the fact that her act gets very old very fast and she isn't that good anyway. If she wins it will be a travesty. Who do you think should win? I hear the one reader ask. Wagner of course.

John: Katie Weasel I mean Waisell is one of the most complained about acts this year, mainly because some people take the X Factor as serious as the Afghan War. She is supposedly being bullied so has threatened to quit, because unlike basically the rest of the population, she was brought up as a mentally retarded princess who was never bullied before so she can't stand it now. Her costume on the first live show made her look like she was wearing a beetle on her head or she was a gay stormtrooper.
What pains me about this competition is that Wagner is the best contestant this year, and he looks like a stereotypical Paedophile. Well he was an ex PE teacher. He also sings worse than a man with a porcupine up his arse.
Aiden's face actually scared me, his faces made him seem so much like a psycopath I felt like turning off my TV and ringing a Mental Institution.
The first to get booted off was some Italian called Nicolo, who looked like a gay Bond villain who would randomly burst into song. Sure enough he nearly cried when he was booted off, you know like almost everyone else. They cry when they stay in, when they are voted out and when they have a poo.

Dan: To finish off I think this year's X Factor has been one of the worst series yet, it is bloody awful. If people like Aiden, Nicolo and Wagner can get to the live shows then even I can. That's it, the end. Well, I'll do another column when the X Factor finishes, but for now goodbye.

John: Yeah, now piss off.

Special Treat

Today me and my enemy Daniel Barker have a special suprise for you. We are releasing are gay sex tape. Not really, i'm not gay, but i can't vouch for him, anyway we are doing a special rant combing the two of us to plese our one reader, who probably likes Adam Lambet and has baths in Bacon Grease, the thought of which make you want to spew Shit out of your mouth. So We wil review the X factor in a super cynicsm review and you can also catch it here.

Tuesday, 21 September 2010

Console Wars for Dummies

Consoles are crap, well the fanboys who go on and on and on and on (5 hours later) and on and on, god that was boring, well the fanboys make them seem shitter than a man rolling around in a Farmers field. They don't focus on the good point on there own console unless there exaggearting it more than Fox news do talking about Muslim Extremism. "The whole of the islamic religeon want to blow you up." And then when there talking about he other consoles they infuriate you with blatant lies about the problems of that console, which probably effect theres aswell (oh no the consoles version of the plague is spreading.) So during this guide i will take you through the main points of each console. No fox news, this isn't a real source of infomation. DONT TRUST IT, DONT TRUST IT.

Ps3 (or we Havn't got a true Killer app, but we'll get one in 2008, no well 2009, oh that didn't work well 2010)

I got this when it first game out and god i was spoiled for choice of games, there was about 5 to fucking choose from, and 3 of them where probably last minute ports from the xbox. Oh but i was promised i would have good games soon, esspecially when the year 2008 rolled in. However me, expecting the PS3 killer apps (yes about 10 games where described as that)to hit me like a bulldozer reversing into an old lady it couldn't see, didn't realise nobody would give a shit about these apps because of Call of Duty: World at a War (a shit game, like almost all other Call of Duty games) which brainwashed people better than Adolf Hitler. However i pressed on, trying to discover what these games where like, heres a small review of the main three:

1. Metal Gear Solid 4- Probably the best game of the three, managing to stand up on story alone, but thats probably because the cut scenes added together ae probably longer than the fucking Return of the King extended edition. It falls down on the online though and didnt manage to drag people away from Call of Duty: Same Edition. 8/10
2. Killzone 2- Basically Halo if it had a paintjob from green to grey. In the biggest Cliche ever the British are the bad guys, Lock and Load (see, thats an example of another cliche, oh forget it.) 5/10
3. Resistance 2- A great game, it is built on great shooting events and Cinematic events. It brought about 10 people from the hypnotic trance of Cow pat of Duty before falling so far its legs snapped. 7/10

The main selling point of the PS3 was the free online, which many people thought at first was as buggier as a termite mound, no matter what your connection was you got more lag than a Hindu reincarnating. However this idea was snapped up by people who needed more than one account, e.g people with Families, those who are shit at games and want to start again, oh and people who are just simply cheating on there wives. The PSN has gotten better in recent times and now just feels like running through the sea, instead of something such as Storming the Beached of Normandy.
There is one last good part of Playstation 3 and that is the Blu- Ray, making the games look as nice as a rainbow (saying that is sickening.)It also makes the Movies look good but its a fucking game console, thats like saying that the Daily Mail is good (it's not, think British Fox News) to read when its main point in lfe is to be used as Toilet Paper.

X Box (Or that console with Halo)

Red rings of Death, fucking Red Rings of Death, it makes it sound like the One Rings even more evil brother in The Lord of the Rings, created by Saddam Hussein, Osama Bin Laden, Barack HUSSEIN Obama and the Legion of Doom, headquatered in the Ground Zero Mosque where it was forged in the Fiery Dooms of the WMDs of Iraq which Exist somewhere, according to George Bush and Tony Blair, oh and so do Pixies, and God. Oh and i'm getting away from the point, the supposed better console of them all... according to the many Fanboys lurking the murky depths of the shite known as X Box Live, tucked safely away in there warm comfy beds, with there mum to kiss them goodnight, before getting out there controller and making you wish the X Box came with a button which would release rabid hamsters on them. Halo is like an attractive young woman woman to them, well something has to be seeing as they won't get the actual thing,any way that was a coincidental segway into a Halo review (is it just me or does Masterchief sound like a porn name.)

Halo (The Series)- In the ENTIRE Halo series (except ODSPEE) you play as the Green PowerRanger, who has been outfitted by a crapper version of Q out of James Bond making all his inventions Steroid Based, except one which involves them putting springs in boots so you could jump 10 fucking ft in the air. Once in the series you play as Some other random coloured Power ranger who as with all the old Rangers is killed off (or Reincarnated said the Magical Hindu.)To me the whole series plays out the same except with bigger guns (reminds me of another game, here's looking at you Call of Duty.)
I bet the fanboy's are reading this review in there own words "oh my god halo is excellent, oh fuck me Master chief, i love your graphics and your online" .5/10

The worst part about the Xbox is the paying for online, which feels like a smack in the face after enjoying a nice piece of chocolate cake. And the Online isn't even better than the Playstation 3's,which is saying something. However a game should be able to stand up on it singleplayer instead of it's online, which should capitalize on the singleplayer ,like giving George Bush more places to invade when the Iraq invasion suceedes, Oh....
X Box 360-6.5/10

The Wii or Nostalgia, Mario and Fucking Motion Controllers

Motion Controllers, one of the many things on this planet which make me wish i lived on Saturn, preferably with a few Heavy Machineguns and the fucking Executives at Nintendo so i can release a couple of rounds of Lead into their Housewife loving brains. The words Action and Exiting were probably chucked around a lot in the marketing of the Wii remote, however your cock probably feels them words as well before realising your fucking your Nan and throwing up more thana Bulimia Sufferer watching Man vs Food. This is coincidently how I feel playing the Wii, see full circle just like all you idiots are now going to have to make with your will remote, causing you look like a retard. However as all the other consoles' dicks have fnnaly grown and they have now announced Motion Control this dosn't really make it any worse than the others.

What does however make it worse is the choice of games, almost all of them have been made by Nintendo who are competing with... um, Nintendo. This means tey can make games more repetetive than Daja Vu. This means they can make games more repetetive than Deja Vu. This means they can make games more repetetive that Deja Vu (metaphorically hits head against wall) Ah well thats enough of that. Well one of there many Increasingly similar games it makes me feel like ive Got off of the train into Call of Duty world is Mario, which i will now review to piss you all off.

Mario- Super Mario is a game which is made by the Nintendo Development team hopping into their company owned Tardis and going to a land run by a Brain dead princess, accompanied by her retarded servants, who seem to have made a public holiday of repeatedly hitting your head against a wall . While there they then release a constant supply of Giant Lizards, who seem to pour out more than shit coming out of a man with Bowel Problems. They then proceed to kidnap the brain dead princess, who gets saved by an Italin Plumber (and occasionly his Brother) before eating cake (well mario got some of the Princess' "Cake" wink wink) and not sharing any with the Lizard. Rinse and Repeat and you've got yourself a succesful gaming series. 3.5/10

Other sucessful video gaming series, if you like things made by constasntly milking Nostalgia so hard you solve thid world thirst are Donkey Kong, Zelda, a few thousand fucking samey sports games for losing weight if your to fat to fit through your door, or your to retarded to work out how to do a fucking Press Up. However there not all the same (acctually yes they are) because you get to fit a motion controler up your arse, however i promised not to talk about that, but fuck it. The motion controller expects your reaction time to be that of a man moving out of the way of a sniper bullet. Oh and don't whine about how they realeased Wii Motion Plus too because it came out like 3 fucking years after the original release. And it still has worse reactions than a Cripple with Alzheimers, and I don't want to offend either group by comparing them to the shit of the Wii.

So all in all I think the Wii is like the Barack Obama of consoles, promisingmuch but giving so little... Well it is if you like Motion controllers, which i don't, so to me it's more like little fart. 3/10

So that's it, a comparison of all the consoles which would have taken me less time if a nuclear apocalyspse hadn't happened hald way through writing. Damn mutated rats scuttling around my dilapidated house. Now depart from my presence, I am king of this new wasteland.

Saturday, 28 August 2010

Harry Potter the deathly hallows is exactly the same as the last 6 harry potter books in that it is about the wizards are trying to save the world from unkown evil. Strangely though the main characters do not seem to think this task is very urgent so spend most of the time pissing about on broomsticks and that isnt a metaphor

Saturday, 24 July 2010

My Improved Version of Modern Music

I wish I was alive in the 60’s. There was good music back then and the only thing you had to worry about was the ever looming thought of a fucking Nuclear Bomb dropping onto my head. Then again if I was born then I would have a shit Call of Duty game made about me and the era I lived in, the thought of which would sicken me. If they knew what COD was back then, which they didn’t, yes that's how pretentious I was being when I wrote those words.

Yes there were the Beatles and the Rolling Stones, two of the greatest bands of all time. But the one reason that the music scene was good back then, was one reason and one reason only. They didn’t have the shit which has come out in the past few years. You may wonder why I am writing this (you don’t) and this is because my “business partner” (yes we pretend to be business men, what of it) Daniel Barker has also recently written about modern music and I wanted to give my own view. Yes because my view is always right and anybody who says it’s not deserves to be shot.

Right so the last thing which happened music wise, in 2009 was that a little facebook group made Cheryl Cole cry, which is fucking funny. The reason was that her act from the X Factor, some smiling little prick who I couldn’t give a fuck about, was beaten to the Christmas charts by Rage Against the Machine or whatever the fucking band is called, this was done because they were asked to by a Facebook group. I find this just as bad as the X Factor because both of them were telling you to buy there single like some music loving Nazis. “Buy my single or I’ll take you over there and blow your fucking head off!”

The year 2010 started off pretty similar to last fucking year. So similar I thought that I had walked through a Time Vortex and ended up last year. Lady Gaga released a song which was as shit as usual; I don’t see the appeal with her, she’s like a female Justin Bieber, if that wasn’t already taken by Justin Bieber herself. There was also many one hit wonders, which didn’t really bother me much, such things as Owl City-Fireflies and that sort of shit, however this all soon came to an end when the Brit Awards came on.

The biggest piece of shit which came out from The Brit Awards was Florence and the Machines’ collaboration with Dizzee “Dickhead” Rascal which was called You Got the Dirtee Love, in which Generic Rapper number 41 attempts to rap his own twatty lyrics into the song instead of the actual song ones, while Generic Indie act sings their original song. The song was shit. And then unsurprisingly it went number one. A sentence fit enough to describe the current musical day and age.

And then you get to the newest acts of shitness around. And to start off let’s talk about Eminem’s new album, which was as shit as ever. I watched a documentary about him recently; it kept saying he was a really nice person who gets rid of his anger through his song lyrics. Yes I agree he is really nice UNTIL HE FUCKING PISTOL WHIPS SOMEONE. There was also a song called California Gurls, which if you had read Daniel Barker’s one before this would already have heard about. It is sung by Katy Perry and Scooby Doo (well his name is Snoop Dog.) Also if you had read Daniel Barker’s, you would know this isn’t a remake of a song he likes called California Girls by The Beach Boys, which many people think is a classic. The only way that could be a classic is if there were awards for shitness, it would be a classic in them. True Classic are such things as You can’t always get what you want or Hey Jude. Anyway now back to the shit in hand, California Gurls, the whole point of the song is the video because it basically just is Katy Perry strutting around almost naked, they could have put any song over the top of a video like that. Even a recording of Justin Bieber reading Mein Kampf.

So that brings me to my final point. Justin Bieber, the name enough to make you shudder. He is a ball-less, 16 year old, mophead from the planet of Gaytonia who somehow managed to impress 14 year old fans worldwide with song which will be forgotten by next year, thank god. He constantly sings about fucking girls (ok he constantly sings about kissing girls, fucking is to extreme for this kid) but if you watch the video he only ever manages to stalk them before holding their hand. The only reason people like him is because (mainly gay men and 14 year old girls) they say he is fit. He’s basically the Twilight of music. HE’S NOT FUCKING FIT HE JUST HAS ONE OF THOSE FACES WHICH I WANT TO PUNCH!

And now I’m too angry to carry on writing, Justin Bieber pissed me off that much. It’s a fair bet you will not find this funny because I have just ruined all the music you like. And because this is the case piss off!

Saturday, 17 July 2010

American Dad

Ok I admit it, I’m proud to be English. I'm proud of the country I live in and hate the people who think there fucking country is the best in the whole go damn world. In other words I hate the bloody Americans who think they are better than everyone else. The dicks. Thinking they won every war ever, most American High School kids probably think that WW2 was won by damn John McCain who scuba dived into a sunken submarine with Tom Hanks to collect a fucking nuclear missile.
Which brings me to American Dad, the title alone is enough to put off about 1 billion people in the rest of the fucking countries around the world. Yes but America couldn’t care less about that seeing as according to them the world should be called The United World of America!
Even the basic premise of American Dad epitomises this. The main character is a fucking CIA agent for Christ sake. That's like making a cartoon called Afghan Dad in which the main character is a frigging Al-Qaida member. Then again that wouldn’t work seeing as every episode the main character will kill himself. Wait that works for South park. Doesn't it...
The other main characters-which aren't really main characters because you’re supposed to like the main fucking characters in cartoons because they are supposed to be damn funny. But in this cartoon I’m pretty sure the developers missed that one idea-are an alien named Roger. HAHAHA the aliens named Roger, now let me tell you something Seth, I don’t know if you were supposed to make a joke by calling the alien Roger, but if you were its not fucking funny. Then there's another joke character called Klause or something. He's supposed to be a fucking fish with his brain switched with that of a German skier. He’s also not funny so he can piss off!
There's also Steve, the son. He takes part in many of the even crapper side stories. Or in my words, bits that would sicken your toilet. Hayley is the fucking CIA agent’s daughter, who despises many of the Fucking god damn CIA agent’s actions; she’s basically the average stoner. And finally there's the fucking god damn bullshit CIA agents wife, who is called Lois, I mean Marge, damn I mean Francine, she is portrayed as an idiot, and she fits the role perfectly seeing as idiocy is the only thing coming out of the script writers mouths in dog shit style clumps.
Anyway from now on I'm bored of calling the main character Fucking CIA man so I will not and instead call him Stan Smith. So in other words I have to start this whole damn review again, so let’s give it a go. So this is the Simpsons, fuck I mean this is American Dad, a programme which has no similarities to The Simpsons except maybe thousands of things. It’s so like the Simpsons I expected Homer to show up half way through and beat the crap out of Stan. It’s so un funny that the only way to make it even less funny is have half an hour of kids dying from leukaemia, with pictures of Steve Smith jacking off to them inserted every 5 minutes!

Anyway the whole talk of a program called American Dad gave me the idea for my own program, English Dad. It would of course be made by Americans and if it is actually made I would like 50% of the profit. Right now the business shit is in order lets brainstorm.

The main character would definitely be called Reginald D Humpledink, who in this made up fantasy cuckoo land is the chairmen of BP. He will be a top hat wearing posho who drinks 55 cups of tea a day and walks around talking like he's the fucking Prime Minister! Instead of having a bloody alien as a friend he will instead have a Gordon god damn Brown as a friend, who goes around calling people bigots! You bigot!
They all live at 1066 Windsor Street, in a large manner house in which they have many butlers. Hanging from the walls of the house are thousands of paintings of Queen Elizabeth and David Cameron. He has a son called Steven who has pledged abstinence. He gets no sexual desires at all and just sits at home, reading The Times newspaper while drinking Tea and eating Scones. He looks forward to his first glass of port.

The daughter will be called Henrietta Humpledink who spends the day sewing dresses for mother before roaming the streets of London at night as a high class hooker. She speaks with a cockney accent and agrees that women shouldn’t have as much rights as men (I have been asked to point out by the producer that this is indeed a joke.)
The mother of the children stays at home all day as in the country of England women cannot get jobs or do anything without their husbands BEFORE 19 FUCKING 28.
So look out for this TV show when it comes out next year, in my imagination.
So what was I talking about before I got onto that, oh yeh American Dad, which by watching it has made me want to go outside and get a life as far away from this crap as humanely possible. Now go away.

Saturday, 29 May 2010


As I am a lazy bastard I cannot be bothered watching some crappy TV and then writing some crappy jokes about it on one of these very crappy columns, while drinking my crappy cup of tea so you can read about my crappy life while thinking about your crappy life while watching some crappy TV in a world which is basically crap.
Anyway as I cannot be bothered watching those TV shows I have decided to ask some other people who I know to submit a one word answer to the question what should I write about? At first it took them a while to work out what I wanted firstly telling me TV shows I could talk about even though I had all ready told them I didn’t want to talk about that and then secondly I got so much random comments that I found it very hard to say anything about them. To be honest all this was an experiment in futility but here I go at trying to think of my crappy jokes to say about these random things. God I hate my life.
House: I said I didn’t want to say anything about any TV shows but most people just gave me TV shows as their ideas as if that's the only thing they can talk about so here goes for the first one.
HouseSeason 6 of House has ended this week, closing a season which by most people could be classed as the worst ever season, with too many long storylines of no importance to the plot. The good thing though is that the program ended with a high, involving a collapsed crane, House contemplating if he should go back to taking vicodin and Cuddy finishing Lucas before telling House she loves him. Anyway here are my two requests for next season:
1. Get rid of all long storylines except ones for House, Wilson or Cuddy storylines involving House. Maybe flesh out one of the characters in one episode but don’t take it out to long.
2. Don’t make House to sympathetic with terminal patients unless it’s like how he was with the trapped woman in the finale, when he felt sorry for not just her but also himself, which made him angry when she died.

20/20: The next suggestion I got was the one about England winning the Cricket 20/20 world cup, which for most people makes them think we are good, but aren't most countries good at a sport when you are one of the eight countries who seriously compete while the rest are just filler. Any of you who did watch the final though, did you see those people who were dressed up as giant coloured condoms. Now that’s entertainment.

Finales: Lost also finished this week in a finale which was showed at the same time as in America so it was stupidly shown at 5:00 in the morning. Lost is supposedly one of the most complicated programs in TV so this is what I have worked out the story to be. Try escape from the island, time travel, time travel, parallel universes, nuclear bomb, Locke’s dead but isn’t really dead but he actually is because the new Locke is some smoke monster in disguise. Anyway as the only episode I ever watched is the final I have worked out is that Jack Shephard has been chosen by Jacob (there god) to battle Locke/ Smoke Monster who is trying to destroy the island with some reset button while the rest of them try to escape. There is also some parallel universe in which they can remember each other if they touch each other and also if they get certain injuries in one it effects them in the other but it doesn't work for some injuries. Eventually the parallel universe turns out to be some sort of purgatory and that is all I could work out. Also I have heard in earlier episodes there are polar bears for no apparent reason, or there may be, if I had bothered to watch it. Altogether the plot is as strange as that Japanese paedo dog advert.
Also finishing this week is Ashes to Ashes which I have watched but is still as strange as Lost and as I cannot be arsed going into the plot I will say about how 24 is ending in 2 weeks and I believe for the last episode Jack should torture 5 million people in an endless amount of ways before talking really quietly or shouting at the top of his voice. Oh crap that's every other episode. Well at least make it end by revealing that Jack got shot and went back in time while thinking about some strange island in which there are a load of people trying to get home but he is in fact in some purgatory while being chased by some polar bear. Now roll on the next answer.

Daniel: He is the creator of something on YouTube which he believes will start filming soon when it will probably not. The thing is called Both Extremes and is basically this, but in video form which is explained by the fact these rants were supposed to be for his blog before he dropped me. He has a potato shaped head and believes his videos will be a hit even though his highest watched video except his music thing he put up his like 112 views.

Tits, sex, pornography: The problem with things like this is the fact that many people will want me to talk about things to explicit to write about, so I won’t.

Windows and Trees: The other problem about these things is that you get so many random suggestions you cannot talk about them in detail. So I will just cover these things quickly, they were both invented by the CIA. God I’m talking gibberish today, somebody hit me.
So after this experiment I have found out that it is pointless and idiotic leaving me writing about TV which I didn’t want to, other things people already know about, a person that somebody knows, explicit thing and random gibberish. This was stupid. Anyway next week solving the BP oil spill using Facebook.

Thursday, 20 May 2010

12 Sure Fire Ways to Save House

So then House MD, for people who know me you will know this is among my favourite shows, but recently this show has become barely watchable. Wait. Come back! I know this is among the most the most popular shows on T.V but admit it, even all you diehard fans know this once unmissable show is losing its greatness with stretched out story lines and relationships we don’t give a damn about (admit it the Foreman, Thirteen relationship in season 5 was absolute TV crap.) I normally go on my laptop while it’s on, that's how bad it’s begun, and friends who I know used to like it have stopped watching it completely. We’re not alone either; ratings have dropped across the Atlantic in America.

By the way if you don’t know what House MD is, it is about Dr Gregory House-a doctor with no bedside manner-tries to solve complex medical cases with the help of his team.

Anyway I can’t wait until the finale of season 6, as the final episode of House seasons are usually great, but what’s stopping them going back to the original s&@t in the next season. So with this in mind, and in an attempt to save my former favourite show, I modestly give you these twelve ways to save House. For free. Yea I know I’m great like that.

1. Make the patients more real, at the moment the patient may as well be a robot (and that really won’t work as how does a robot get sick,-if you think they can have a guess what you are (an Idiot obviously)-and they won’t be able to get insulted by House.) Also make them get sick in new ways, at the moment it is, two friends are together, one of them starts coughing “Are. Are you ok” asks the other, before collapsing on the floor. Change it now!

2. Get rid of all the crap relationships, the main one I mention being Foreman, Thirteen-which thankfully ended at the start of this season.-Have the creators forgotten the name of the show, well for a reminder its House. Now repeat that House, House, House. What is it, no it’s not bloody Foreman MD.

On almost this same point is the overextended storylines, like the Dibala case at the start of this season, oh my god Chase has killed a dictator this could be interesting for a couple of episodes... 8 episodes later F@&k my life WE ALREADY BLOODY KNOW CHASE KILLED SOMEONE.

3. Lucas, bloody Lucas the private investigator who disappears from the series until now when he's dating Cuddy. Probably doing his other job as AN ANNOYING LITTLE PIPSQUEAK. He needs to be killed off (or got rid of humanely.) If you want a PI like guy why don’t you just go the whole way and replace him with Jack Bauer. That would make it so much more interesting, while also giving me a quick way to link this to my next point.

4. Make Season 7 an obvious 24 rip off. House has 24 hours to save Jack Bauer from some deadly disease, while also battling terrorists who want to blow up THE WORLD (or kill the president, or set off a bio weapon, or do something with a nuke. They’ve all been repeated over and over again on 24.) Anyway the season should last 24 hours and House and his team should all become secret agents with their own little guns and everything. Oh and Wilson should say at the start Previously on House

5. House’s cane has been broken so he wants to buy another but all the cane shops are closed. (Hey it could work.)

6. House travels back to back in time to December 3rd 1967 in a race against time to be the first person to perform a Heart Transplantation.

7. House travels back in time to stop himself from using a dodgy American accent instead of his actual English one.

8. Have House travel the universe as The Doctor’s nemesis to try to prove he is the greatest doctor on television.

9. House has been transformed into a glacier and he must diagnose complicated global warming problems in order to survive.

10. House and Housability, a romantic version of house set in the 18th century. Hugh Laurie could wear the costume he used in Blackadder the third. While this is happening House must also diagnose 18th century medical problems. Most answers will be Smallpox, plague or scurvy (in one episode he has to be on a boat.) Most of the cases die, like they would before the age of 30 anyway.

11. Stop House from going from jerk to sympathetic doctor in the blink of an eye. A normal House conversation when talking to a fat, terminal patient would be like “You look like a hippo” “I’m terminal” “I, I’m sorry, is there anything I can do.”

12. Don’t do any of these except 1,2,3 and 11

Friday, 14 May 2010

Opinionated D&@ks

God I hate people reviewers, who the f@&k do they think they are the fat basteds, sitting at home eyes glued to the TV, occasionally glaring at their shatty laptop to write down the thoughts on whatever the f&@k they were watching like it is a matter of life and death (which wouldn’t matter for them as they can all die for all I care.) Using their c&@tish hands and their c&@tish brains. The c&@ts.

To be honest though I hate anybody with opinions, why the hell do ordinary people need opinions, it’s not like there politicians or protest groups (actually I hate them as well, who do they think they are blocking traffic and such things just to get us to believe in what they do. I have an idea to stop protesters however, whenever a protest is going on with their crappy little signs we have a lone sniper, waiting on the rooftops and suddenly BAM a dead protester, the rest of them run scared and confused, so at that moment we send in the police, not the ordinary police however but robot police (or Daleks if you can get the rights, that would be so much cooler and everyone would love the Daleks, they would be really chummy when nothing his happening and will happily pose for photos, but as soon as a protest starts happening, they turn into vicious killing machines, exterminating people left, right and centre, think of how cool that would look on the front page u newspapers. Actually I would also ban them-except the guardian-but that can be saved for another time) so as I was saying we would get robot police to march into the protesters with shot guns, and body parts would fly everywhere and It would be kind of funny to see, In a horrific, depressing sort of way, if you were a sociopath, or a serial killer.)

Anyway if you haven’t got the point yet its f&@k off you little opinion s&@ting machines, you should all shut up, and if you don’t want to do that then we will force you to shut up, probably with storm troopers, but even then you will probably have opinions on that, spurting self-important proclamation after self-important proclamation out of your bloody big self-important gob.

Never has there been more chances in history to give your opinions, you can print it in newspapers, text and phone into the news channels, give it on them shatty chat shows, shout it on the radio, write it on your computers or just say it in real life, take your pick, because this next thing applies to all of you, we need to kill everyone with opinions, and here is how. We need to replay every opinion which has ever come out of the gobby little mouth, into their ears at deafeningly high volumes, through headphones which cannot be removed until their head finally blows up and we could televise this, asking viewers for their opinions to the carnage their seeing, before tracing their phone calls and doing the same thing to them, until eventually the Earth has only one person left on it, me. Sitting back in my reclining armchair laughing about what I am seeing. This is pretty much my answer for everything.

Anyway you may be thinking now that this thing isn’t going anywhere, but it is because all this leads onto opinions about you tube videos, for example s&@ty Raywilliamjohnson (who coincidently will be one of the first to die) makes regular videos expressing his opinions on internet clips. I hate him and I hate everyone who copies off him. Which is where one of the stars (well I say stars I mean crap factories) of the website your reading this on comes in. He had made a video called =p, which is an exact copy of Ray’s =3 except with shatter sound and him reviewing mainly his own video clips as if he wants others who don’t know him have no f@&king idea what he's on about. Takes one episode, it’s called one ball and is about this guy who supposedly lost his ball, however the whole bloody episode doesn't mention the fact about his one ball until the end, were he says if you have any plastic balls, please donate them. I bet the viewers at home were like “WHAT THE F&@K, why is it called one ball and why do we have to donate a plastic one.”

Anyway that is all from me now as I am bored, so go away and remember DON’T GIVE OPINIONS.

-In Fairness to =p Paedo dog was funny but it was already used on =3 so doesn't count.

Thursday, 6 May 2010

Overrated Comedians

Michael Mcintyre, Michael f@&king Mcintyre, to most people the funniest comedian ever, or something like that. Well I find him as funny as a terminal disease. It’s not just Mcintyre either, what about Lee Evans, or Peter Kay. Both not funny at all, I have never seen the appeal with what they do, If anybody knows the reason please tell me. I never knew millions of people could be wrong, oh, George Bush got into power twice in America; well I didn’t believe millions of British people could be wrong.

Well figure my disgust when I was watching the new series of Russell Howard’s Good News. Russell Howard being one in the list of overrated comedians, actually to be honest the regulars on Mock the Week are all pretty much overrated (well except Hugh Dennis, as Outnumbered is as funny as usual.) The only reason these comedians can seem funny on Mock the Week is because they test out there jokes beforehand. So back to Good News, to anybody who hasn’t seen this “comedy” show, it is Russell Howard saying “jokes” about different things which have been in the news this last week. The worst part of the show is obviously the mystery guest part, were a guest who he “supposedly” doesn't know anything about appears and he asks him questions, it’s as funny as if every kitten in the world died of leukaemia suddenly over night (which I expect to happen sometime soon. I wouldn’t actually be that shocked considering the news nowadays.) The final part of the show is about good news and different people who have done something good. It practically says they are better than us for what they have done, which I believe is a bit unfair (but as I’m a hypocrite I am better than you Russell and I’m not even a comedian, yea so f off)

The first jokes of the show are usually edited scenes off the news, with everything cut out except some sexual word (to be honest there not all sexual, saying hard in a sentence is only dirty if you say it in the right voice.) Then it occasionally shows things like funny speeding excuses, which people laugh at like its Russell who came up with these, well it’s not why don’t you f&@king idiots open your little mind, they were shown on Have I Got News For You which was shown earlier, and that even had funny commentary from the panellists. They do this with many clips as well, it’s like they purposely invite the biggest idiots into the audience. What really can you expect though BBC3 was created to attract the specialist audience, the biggest idiots in Great Britain.

I’ve always believed that comedians who have to put a funny voice on something that doesn't need it to have one are as funny as drowning dogs and this had not just proved it, its gone and shoved it up the arse of the viewing public.

He isn’t the only overrated comedian on this week either, there is also The Ricky Gervais Show, showing cartoons of his podcast. It is basically Ricky and Stephen laughing at Karl Pilkington because of how much of an idiot he is and his stupid ideas. It is so unfunny I’d rather a Steamroller rolled over my balls. Anyway that's basically the show, nothing else happens, nothing better, nothing worse (because that’s how bad it is already.)

Anyway I’ve already been cynical enough in this post and as I am writing this on election night I would rather keep in some of my anger to insult the politicians so I would just like to say my pick for election night is Channel 4’s Alternative Election Night, a show which looks like you would laugh hard enough to cry. The fact that Charlie Brooker and David Mitchell are in it makes it even better. (I’m not saying the other main host Jimmy Carr is bad, I’m just saying the other two are a lot better.) Anyway if the adverts are anything to go by it should be very funny and I may do a whole review of it, along with the election, next week. If I can be bothered.

So as I was talking about overrated comedians at the start of this article, I will now name my favourites and also favourite comedy shows:

· Have I Got News For You

· Frank Skinner’s Opinionated

· You Have Been Watching

· Harry and Paul

· Charlie Brookers Newswipe

· Charlie Brookers Screenwipe

· Charlie Brookers Gameswipe

· The Peep Show

· David Mitchell

· Robert Webb

· Hugh Laurie

· Frank Skinner

· Paul Merton

· And many others, including the greatest comedian on television in this century, a man who has written for pc zone, and is still writing for the Guardian. I have already mentioned his shows, but a special award goes to Charlie Brooker, for how great and funny he is.

Actually that is to sentimental so go watch the news. That's a programme were sentimental doesn’t mean a crap. Now get lost.

Sunday, 2 May 2010

Doctor who and Britain’s Got Talent

I am going to get a lot of criticism for this, but I genuinely believe that Matt Smith, the newest Doctor, is as good as David Tennant. Yes this is Doctor Who, the BBC’s best Saturday family drama and in my eyes one of their greatest programs.

So which idiot in the BBC trails department decided in a recent episode it was a good idea to put a bloody cartoon of Graham Norton dancing at the bottom of the screen, AT ONE OF THE MOST IMPORTANT PARTS OF THE PROGRAMME, WHY DON’T YOU JUST WIPE S&@T ALL OVER THE SCREEN NEXT WEEK. Yes this is the story about how the Doctors new arch enemy, the BBC’s trail department managed to defeat him with a small Graham Norton, to advertise their newest Andrew Lloyd Webber show Over the Rainbow which I haven’t watched yet as it seems to be the X Factor aimed at the old women and Gay men audience demographic. So I’m going by advertisements here, which makes me believe that the singers are watched over by their overlord Andrew Lloyd Webber, who looks as if he caught the plastic surgeon on an off day.

ITV have also got into talent show proceedings with a new series of Britain’s Got Talent the most uplifting s&@fest ever, which I have only just started watching due to being stuck in Egypt for an extra 4 days. Anyway a brief rundown of what Britain’s got Talent. Some people who THINK they have got talent, or others who don’t seem that special but are children so how good they are is suddenly doubled, (unless there fat or ugly) sing, dance, do magic, shat in a cup for our entertainment and what they hope will eventually entertain the queen. (Honestly who the hell thought the queen would be entertained by a break dancing group. If only Nick Griffin was watching. ) Before entertaining the queen they must first entertain the three judges who all have a buzzer, and if all three of the judges press there buzzer the act must ashamedly stop what they are doing and get the piss taken out. Anyway the judges are Simon Cowell, (a man who seems like he’s trying to get the position of God) who is only doing this programme to get another how many million pounds, then there's Amanda Holden who’s only job seems to be to start crying whenever there's a sob story, or there's a really young child. And finally there's Piers Morgan, a man who has no qualifications at all to judge people on talent as I am amazed he can speak without having to check his throat for s@&t every 5 minutes.

Last year Simon Cowell said some s&@t about not judging someone by their looks, which seems to have gone down the toilet pretty fast, with fat and people being put down every five minutes. If you really want to make this program good you should get the license for Daleks, admit it that would scare the s@&t out of the contestants and would still probably have more personality then Piers Morgan. Also STOP VOTING FOR LITTLE KIDS OUT OF SYMAPATHY!

Anyway talking about Daleks lets go back to talking about Dr Who which I seem to have got a bit sidetracked from. Did anyone see the Daleks that were on a few weeks ago, it seemed as if they’d just mated the original Daleks with a Bendy bus, and there catchphrase seems to have gone downhill “do you want a cup of tea” which was quite funny.

How come so many people still believe Dr Who is a children’s show, it might be designed to scare children but really the drama in it is perfect for adults as well.

Oh and as I said before about Dr Who being one of the best programmes on BBC 1 it still isn’t as good as Ashes to Ashes which is working up to be as good a series as ever which by the last episode should have answered all our questions. Now go away.

Welcome to The Blog

Hello, this is my new blog containing reviews of Tv, Film and Games trying to work out what has happened to make entertainment this bad. I will also come up with some fake TV shows which i expect to be on TV in 10 years. Anyway i'm sure you didn't really mean to come to this blog, so go away now, or don't it's your choice. If you must you could use the computer your reading this on to wipe your arse, or hit the person next to you in the head. I couldn't care. Anyway i hope you have more fun reading this than i had writing it, which you will, because i hated absoloutly every moment. Now get lost!

Oh if you find this other blog with the same articles as this, i have let him use them.