Welcome all

Hello all and welcome to my blog (this is one of the nicest things you will ever here me say), in which i will whine and be cynical about different things until you'll either want to put a bullet through your head or drown yourself in your own piss.

I am now Jooseman, the Artist formerly known as Jonith, and I have stopped using the name Jonith regularly (however do still have many accoun named Jonith, so go by both) as it got confusing, So call me Jooseman or Joose or whatever. Call me TwatBucket if it pleases you.

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Rants up on this blog on Friday if I've done one, just too add a little bit of schedule here.

Anyway thats all from me, and also check out Rofling Officer Productions. He is a collaborater of mine.

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

Welcome to - World of Tanks

So this is this first of my indie game series of reviews. They are almost the exact same as my other crap, but with a stupid Welcome to in front of the name. To be honest, I don’t know if you would class World of Tanks as an indie game but we will.

Free games are almost always shit. This just goes to show that cheapskates never prosper and we should all spend money buying greats such as every single Call of Duty game made until the end of time, and then they will still make more.

Ok I was lying about quite a lot of that because I am a cunt, but seriously, other than a few, most free games are awful. They mainly just rip off other games more than a coupon for free sex in a super hero comic book. There are a few exceptions to this rule however, the main being some of the great mods it is possible to get, another being Alien Swarm. But now another is here, well it’s been here for longer than a Call of Duty game lasts, but that's not very long.

So World of Tanks, a game with a less obvious title than Super mega awesome pornography. It is a game about riding into battle on the back of time shooting black holes at tortoises from another fucking planet. No wait, that's the plot of a game which will be released never, like Bambi 2, where the deer doesn’t talk and instead just flies off into space to get the manpower to wipe out all the humans who murdered his mother, I think he took up the moniker, Fuhrer at the same time.

No in fact World of Tanks doesn’t have a plot short of boom boom, die other tank die, now let’s all go get drunk on Vodka/ Eat some Burgers/ Stare at our manly wives while we celebrate Communism/ Capitalism/ Nazism. If you haven’t guessed yet it’s a game about World War Two, but that's not all, because you’ve probably not worked out the twist yet... Your all in Tanks... Oh that was obvious.

Anyway, in this game, where all the “characters” are like metal elephants after having there brain removed, you go around shooting at people more times than there are stars in the sky, because this my fellow man, is an online game. You know, the genre that is flooding the waters of gaming faster than a meteor attached to the Millennium Falcon. It is due to this genre that good stories, and fun gameplay are dying out in a helpless bucket of spit that Activision spit into after visiting the toilet and not spending their time counting their money, or swimming in their money, or shagging their money or need I say anymore.

However there are very occasionally good online games which don’t suck the dick of Captain Price so hard they swallow it. The obvious one in this category being Team Fortress, because Valve are the biggest mofos in the gaming ghetto yes man. Ok they make good games, well very good games, well games so great If we showed them to an alien they would blow up in amazement. They made a fun, balanced, online shooter, which rewards people just as equally for doing shit as it does for doing well, unlike the constantly mentioned Call of Duty, which rewards people for spanking noobs so much they’ve gone off crying, making everybody have a good time, well everybody who isn’t a noob and has played the game every second since it came out, in the pointless life THE FUCKING CUNTS I WANT TO FUCKING BREAK THEIR (Technical difficulties, see Zzirgrizz and montages rant for that)

So back to the subject at hand World of Tanks, which is an online game, which I would recommend for many reasons, the first being that it more free than a slave after the American Civil War. Its costs nothing, so unless you’re such a cheapskate you’ve rationed how many times you can click a mouse, then it’s a definite.
The second is how it’s easier to get than an ugly prostitute who charges nothing for her services. The controls are the same as every other FPS, or even most other games, so unless you’re a lobotomised retard, or a console gamer, you should easily be able to work them out.

The third reason is that, even though it is easy to work out how to play, the game is also very unforgiving when you first start, with most people better, and using better tanks than you. You have to experiment by buying new tanks and seeing which category you prefer. Until then you’re all but fucked, other than the fact that the competitors in the match are chosen to be of a similar tank level to you, so you at least have a chance, like a Pakistani has a chance to stay into their own country, but would rather come to ours.

Then there are the quests, very very mediocre, they are things such as kill 8 bears and collect their hides, except the fact that I am lying and that's World of Warcraft Tanks, a game I am making up.

The class of tank that I use is the Tank Destroyer, I think it’s one called the AT- 1 and it is the equivalent of most games snipers. So I sit there, sat in the undergrowth, humming the Soviet National anthem, waiting for other tanks which I can blow to pieces. It is in my eyes easily the best tank in the game. SO NOBODY ELSE USE IT.

I’ll just need to tell you about the other features in the game, one being the upgrades, which the game shoves in your face at the end of every match like a pizza at the world’s most unwelcoming fast food restraint. At first they can appear overwhelming, and sometimes still do to me now. The other thing I wanted to tell you about is the fact that you can buy a premium account, however I do not know what these do, as I refuse to spend money on free games, but feel free to if you’re an idiot.

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