Eurovision Part 1

There are many things not likely in this world: me being a nice, sociable tosser, Osama Bin Laden being rose from the dead with an army of suicide Skeletons, Elephants rising up and taking over the earth and oh, the UK winning another Eurovision.

Yes its Eurovision time, when all us European countries choose possibly the worst musical acts ever outside the X factor, lock them in a stadium and let them sing while tigers rip the audience to pieces... basically. So it’s time to enjoy all this, and the extremely obvious bloc voting which is about as subtle as an obese man, riding a blue whale. And while all this is happening, I, yes me, will give you this rant about all the songs, the presenters and all the cunts in between, which I write about as the competition goes on (warning there just to tell you that I will not say which song won until the end, and not in each song’s rant.)

Songs
I hate reviewing songs, only cunts review music and even then it’s only OMG JUSTIN BIEBER IS AWSUM, PLEASE MARRY ME I LUV U.... Fuck off. So this is annoying, how do you review a song, but here goes anyway:

Finland- Paradise Oskar
A great start to Eurovision, with a great song. It’s an extremely subtle song but also very good. Well except when he sing Da da dum, which makes him sound like a mental lunatic trying to play the drums with his mouth. Other than that complaint, this is a great way to start the tournament, with a song which doesn’t sound like its being played by a lobotomised pig being shot at by a Hyena.

Oh and the lyrics are liberalist shit but, yeh know, forget about it

Bosnia + Herzegovina- Dino Merlin
First things to say is that the lyrics are fucking awful in this song. They are like asking a monkey to type out a song while blindfolded at gun point. However the song itself, while not, in my eyes being any good, it does seem like the music is based on traditional music from the country, with a modern twist, which is quite good for Eurovision now, as a lot of countries just produce some generic pop music which is no different to anything released in the past 5 years.

Denmark- A Friend in London- New Tommorow
My favourite song in the competition, honestly. This is the greatest song, in my eyes, in this who tournament, I’ve liked it since hearing it, even before the semi finals. It has an absolutely great melody, which many people seem to have criticised because it sounds slightly similar to some other songs. So fucking what, it sounds less like other songs than every other piece of crock shit in the charts. This song should easily win, unless there somehow ends up being a better song in this tournament, which I highly doubt. 12 points from me (Eurovision joke there.... Fuck you.)

Lithuania- Evelina Sasenko
This song is the first completely awful song in the tournament I have heard in the final, seriously it sounds like a cat having its balls ripped off while being used as a plectrum on a guitar. It’s awful; there is nothing good about it except how she is doing it for the deaf people in Lithuania. This song wouldn’t even make it through on X Factor, and the people on that are awful.

Hungary-Kati Wolf
This song sounds like the most generically 80’s pop song ever shown in Eurovision, they may as well have had Argentina come out half way through and invade the Falklands. It sounds like what would happen if I started throwing a dog at a tree randomly.... as it played the piano.

Ireland-Jedward
Fuck off, I mean seriously fuck off. Why the hell would this band even get chosen for this competition. They are awful; I don’t even know why we gave them fame by keeping them in the X Factor. They don’t even sing in tune, which I’m pretty sure is quite important for a song. They could have had a garden gnome sing and the song would be just as good. However it is just what John and Edward are like, fucking annoying, but entertainingly funny because of how bad it is, that’s the whole premise of their act. We’ll give them 12 points in the UK anyway because we’re idiots, now please excuse me as I go and drown myself.

Sweden
I had heard this song was good before listening to it myself, and I must admit, this song is actually quite good to listen to. It sounds like very generic Scandanavian pop, and it is quite good how me managed to sing while dancing. This song should not be a favourite though, however basically every girl under the age of 14 will vote for him cos they like how he looks. LOOKING GOOD DOESN’T MAKE YOU A GOOD SINGER YOU IDIOTS.

Estonia- Getter Jaani
Another song which could just be exchanged for anything in the charts at the moment and people would notice it less than having a twig cut off of their hedge. The song is ok, nothing special, but the main thing is what she is wearing, which makes her look like a giant flower in jewellery after plastic surgery.

Greece
Oh just some generic R & B and rapping combined with some random classical music which combines worse than blending a mouse with brussel sprouts FUCK YOU, I HATE THIS ACT.

Russia
I can tell you already that this song will do absolutely great already, I don’t know what people think about it or anything, but I know it will do well already, because of the stupid bloc voting which basically give Russia the best chance possible.
The singer himself looks so stereotypical Russian; in the middle of it he could turn and salute a giant picture of Stalin while singing the USSR Anthem. Anyway the chorus, although shit, is quite catchy, however the rest of the song is awful, I could have sung better verses while drunk in a car crash.

France- Amaury Vassili
This song is the bookies favourite, and even though I may not like it myself, I am very glad it is in here. Why, because it is not a pop song like almost everything else, and is instead classical music, as Amaury is a tenor.
I don’t know why the hell it is the favourite, but at least it’s less generic that Sgt Mcapple Pie Washington Bush in a Call of Duty game, and has added his own flavour into the competition, instead of just stealing each others.

Italy
It is Italy’s first time in this competition for fourteen years, and this, like France’s is very different to the other songs in the competition. Except this is Jazz, and I kind of like it. If you want to imagine this music, just think of the sort of music which may play in a casino in Monte Carlo, inhabited by Posh cunts trying to get a shag out of the local girls. This should be one of the favourites, if it is not already (I don’t know, I don’t examine the odds, are you trying to say I’m addicted to gambling.)

Switzerland
Turns out Switzerland cannot be chosen when your voting for them, as they do not want to start a European War and instead will stay in a policy of neutrality instead. Ok OK, the backing tune is quite in itself, however the singing sounds like it is being done by a women who has smoked 50 a day for the past 25 years, it is croaky and doesn’t sound healthy. Now that’s all about that as next is the one you’ve been waiting for, Rule Britannia, Britannia rules the waves.

United Kingdom- Blue- I can
Land of Hope and Glory, mother of the free. C’MON BRITAIN, WE CAN DO IT THIS YEAR actually yeah there's no point even talking about this, as we have no chance of winning anyway. There is more chance of seeing a tortoise set foot on the moon than seeing us win again. Anyway I don’t like Boybands and are the sort of bands which are enjoyed by gay men and women, however after hearing it, this song has grown on me, it’s not great, but quite good for this tournament. I believe we actually have a chance after hearing this song, as it is one of the best we have had in a long time.

The song itself may be nothing more than a generic pop song, like most things in this tournament, however it is more catchy than the others, and also Blue are very popular on the continent, so it is for this reason that I think we may have a good chance, not of winning, but of doing very well. I’m showing my patriotism and hoping they win, and so should you. GOD SAVE THE QUEEN, MOTHER FUCKERS.

Moldova
Oh fuck off, there wearing hats which make themselves look like a termite mound in Marge Simpsons hair, and the song is awful, I can’t bear to write about it anymore. (Should have called themselves Gnomey the Garden Gnomes of doom, then the name would be as funny as the band.)

Germany-Lena
A weird, and I mean fucking batshit crazy, weird song. It’s the musical equivalent of a goldfish having sexual relations with Stephen Hawking, that’s how weird this song is. However, compared with quite a few songs in this competition or even out at the moment, it is also of a strangely great quality (I’m possibly the only person to think so) and amazingly I did quite enjoy it (well not really, as I thought her last years song was quite good compared to some, not winning worthy, but good).

It is by Lena, the same person who had won for Germany last year, what have Germany got less people who want to compete in Eurovision than they have people who like Jews (yes I made a Nazi holocaust joke, and no, I am not happy for it, public apology to Germany about how they are not all Nazis here.)

Romania- Hotel FM
YAY A BAND WITH THE LEAD SINGER FROM THE UK, MORE RULE BRITANNIA HERE. Ok enough of the patriotism for this act, but this song is actually quite good, if a little 1950’s. The tune is good, along with the lyrics. I’m happy with these winning if the UK don’t as not just because he is English, but also because the song is soon becoming my favourite.

Austria
This song is very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very boring, yes it’s as boring as reading all the times I said the word very. It is almost just a women talking, before boringly singing to a soft tune which doesn’t seem to come into the song until it is actually about to finish.

Azerbaijan
HONESTLY, THIS SONG PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF, not because the song itself is bad BUT AZERBAIJAN ARE NOT IN EUROPE, WHY DON’T YOU JUST SAY FUCK IT AND INVITE NEW ZEALAND TO JOIN YOU CUNTS. Anyway the song itself is good, and is supposed to be one of the favourites, but I will not say anything else about it as it should not win because THERE NOT IN EUROPE AS I’VE SAID.

Slovenia- Maja Keuc
Look out, stereotypical women singer here. Basically that's it, ever heard anybody like Christina Aguilera, well you’ve heard this women. The song is ok, but that’s basically it because of how boring it is.

Iceland- Sjonni’s friends
These seem to be Take that with a few instruments. A band of oldish men singing, that’s it. Ok they are quite good, but there's not much I can say about them I haven’t already on other acts.

Spain- Lucia Perez
This song is so stereotypically Spanish in my eyes they may as well have had a Bull fight in the middle of it. Plus its shit, that's always stereotypically Spanish in these things, your good at football ok, is that good enough to get you to stop singing this bull crap. In fact they even had some kids playing football in the opening movie, fucking hell, JUST HAVE THEM ALL BE FLAMENCO DANCERS WHO GIVE UP HALF WAY THROUGH THE DAY BECAUSE IT’S TO HOT.


Ukraine- Mika Newton
Quite good sand painting going on here. The song doesn’t sound like Stephen Hawking trying to sing either, but it’s not good enough to win (unless they do what they always do and bloc vote the cunts)

Serbia- Nina
OH MY GOD, GET THE BRIGHT COLOURS OFF THE SCREEN, THEY BURN, BURN I SAY. This song, with all its bright colours really annoys me, and they burn my heart, which is black as night. It’s just so happy (and shit) please make it stop, Lord Satan please help me, I beg of you, smite them down.

Georgia
I’m very undecided on this song. It seems different to the others, as it seems to be a lot heavier, however it still seems very generically popish. They even needed to ruin it even more by putting in an awful rapping section. Anyway I can’t be bothered saying anything else about it.

Now I will take a 15 minutes or so break, while the interlude is on as that is the last act and I need to make a cup of tea as it is tiring writing this for so long time.