Welcome all

Hello all and welcome to my blog (this is one of the nicest things you will ever here me say), in which i will whine and be cynical about different things until you'll either want to put a bullet through your head or drown yourself in your own piss.

I am now Jooseman, the Artist formerly known as Jonith, and I have stopped using the name Jonith regularly (however do still have many accoun named Jonith, so go by both) as it got confusing, So call me Jooseman or Joose or whatever. Call me TwatBucket if it pleases you.

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Rants up on this blog on Friday if I've done one, just too add a little bit of schedule here.

Anyway thats all from me, and also check out Rofling Officer Productions. He is a collaborater of mine.

Saturday, 17 September 2011

Deus Ex: Human Revolution Review

If you know me well enough, and by well enough I mean read this blog by casually skimming over it like a fat person looking at the amount of calories in a burger, you will know there are not much games that I love, and I hate most more than Japanese tentacle porn, it doesn’t help that almost all major releases are Call of Duty or other FPS’ without story and the only explanation to do what your doing is that the CIA are have a charity swear box and the main characters want you to encourage them to have to donate, with the word fuck being said constantly.

However there are a few games that are exceptions to this, the Metal Gear Solid series for example, Team Fortress 2 for my online shooting, or definitely the Half Life series, my favourite gaming series of all time. (See the top 10 Games Collab I did with The Rofling Officer) Oh and the original Deus Ex was there as well, and now if you hadn’t realised because you were too busy playing the new Call of Duty zombie maps, which are as original as the concept of America stealing credit for winning WW2 singlehandedly, a new one’s come out.

So Deus Ex, widely considered one of greatest games of all time by people who are more qualified to do that than you idiots, who just read gaming reviews instead of giving yourself the imaginary title of Games Reviewer. It involved J.C Denton, a man with less charisma in his voice than a toaster, getting to the bottom of conspiracy theories, and was rightly praised for its levels being more open than a prostitute’s cunt... Oh and the fact that you could enter the women’s toilets like a bigger pervert than that person looking through your window.

So Deus Ex 2 Human Revolution (And anybody who even dares mention Invisible War can have a Squirrel shoved up there arse with a shoe. That game made me and any sane gamer want to lay our heads on an airport runway) is the newest game in one of my all time favourite gaming series, and it doesn’t disappoint.

The story is more compelling than being told you’ll get a blow job at the end of a tunnel, immersing you into the game with choices that make you think more than being allowed to pick one of 1 billion pounds or having a magic fucking talking eggplant growing in the corner of your room.

So the story introduces Adam Jensen, a man who’s voice still has less emotion than a lawnmower having a particularly hard divorce, but hey at least it’s better than having to drink gravel before you speak. He is also the security manager of the main company in the game, but as you can see by the first level, he’s pretty shit at his job, considering he can’t stop the massacre of almost every scientist in the factory. He also gets shot in the head, but this is still not explained why it leads to his arms falling off.

So after becoming a robot and finding it hard to get through airport security, Jensen comes back to work, and starts shooting, tranquilising and stealthing his way through a bigger conspiracy than why Gordon Brown doesn’t appeal to girls.

In many ways it captures the flavour of the old game brilliantly, rewarding exploration as if it’s training to become a stalker, allowing you to move every vending machine like an OCD deliveryman and also being able to hack most computers in the game to flesh out the story/read spam from Nigerian business men. Also you can explore WOMENS TOILETS, possibly the most important part of any game ever.
The hacking itself is good now, bringing a good cross of luck and strategy, and the dialogue puzzles and options are nice, giving you more options on how you play the level, and also opening many moral choices to consider.

Due to not having the RPG elements though, the guns also feel funner to shoot, especially the non lethal one, as they become a pain if your aim shakes like you’ve just drunk 300 cups of coffee after being raped. At first I thought this would be an awful change, but after playing the game I can actually see that it is for the better.

There are a few ways in which this game fails though, mainly the augs. You get upgrades faster than Usain Bolt while high, so by the end of the game you’re just an unstoppable killing machine who can fire grenades from out his arse.... Oh yeah and did I mention YOU CAN FIRE GRENADES FROM OUT YOUR ARSE. This means that after half way through the game it’s pointless examining what upgrade to get next, as you’ll be able get all the ones which benefit you more than being able to fly if you’re aeroplane is crashing.

Because of this, most people’s notion of non lethal goes out the window as soon as you get the typhoon, which again LETS YOU FIRE GRENADES FROM YOUR ARSE, IS THEIR ANYTHING MORE BAD ASS.

And this lets me segway onto melee combat somehow, and by melee combat I mean that Adam Jensen can punch less than a man with no hands. I don’t see why they took melee combat out the game, it makes less sense than a man removing half his brain. Are First person shooters getting to the point where they are trying to get rid of everything except shooting in gaming? What’s next, we can’t even run, we just get taken on a conveyer belt to shoot enemies?

Your augmentations also seem more advanced than those of J.C and Paul Denton, which doesn’t make much sense, as you’re an early version of what became Gunther Hermann, who looked as if he’d just come back from a year long beating with a lead pipe. In this game though, you look as if you’ve been made by Apple, all shiny and sleek (and also some useless Augmentation features.)

And this brings me onto the main, cancerous criticism of the game, the boss fights, so if you’ve gone non-lethal you’re going to be punished more than a sex slave in the Spanish Inquisition, as these bosses are more linear in your choices than a very long corridor. A good boss fight would allow me choice how to kill it, maybe non-lethally knocking him out, or having a huge army of robots to help you if you’ve augmented your hacking. This became a huge problem because by the time that I got to the first boss, I only had a stun gun and a tranquiliser rifle, he had a gun that fired exploding puppy’s and the strength of an elephant driving a tank.

The bosses are also the only people in the game who have no back story, at least in the original I knew why these guys were trying to splatter by brains on their living room fireplace. The personality of these guys can just be summed up with the statement “bunch of cocks.” When you can FIRE GRENADES OUT YOU’RE ARSE, these guys get killed within 2 seconds anyway.

So now we get to the ending, which I both liked and didn’t like at the same time. The main problem being that it is possibly the most unchallenging level on the game, because hey, a game always gets more challenging when you have to fight off lobotomised retards with no guns. Then you have the final boss fight, which is the only good one on the game, requiring you to think about what you have to do. Then comes the actual ending.

You are given a choice between 4 different endings, and just because of how much I felt about the different characters it took me a long time to choose which one, even though I knew non of them would have changed what happens much, and it didn’t, but that doesn’t matter much. I would like to see what happens to all the characters after it, but at the moment that doesn’t bother me, hopefully they’ll add something else at the end in DLC (and by DLC I mean free content patch, unlike the other stuff their releasing for it.)

So compared to every other game that has come out since the last Half life game in 2007, you can’t go wrong with this one, it’s the best I’ve played in a long time, beating Portal 2 more than a cheetah beats a baby in a 100m race, and will probably by my game of the year. Please can everyone play this game right now, to prove a smart game is better than nuking the Middle East constantly.

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