Welcome all

Hello all and welcome to my blog (this is one of the nicest things you will ever here me say), in which i will whine and be cynical about different things until you'll either want to put a bullet through your head or drown yourself in your own piss.

I am now Jooseman, the Artist formerly known as Jonith, and I have stopped using the name Jonith regularly (however do still have many accoun named Jonith, so go by both) as it got confusing, So call me Jooseman or Joose or whatever. Call me TwatBucket if it pleases you.

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Rants up on this blog on Friday if I've done one, just too add a little bit of schedule here.

Anyway thats all from me, and also check out Rofling Officer Productions. He is a collaborater of mine.

Monday, 23 January 2012

Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning Demo Rant

Due to being busy, along the lines of a man who sits in a bath full of porridge getting sucked off by a hoover may be considered busy, I have not had much time to play any game this week other than Minecraft, however a demo I saw did catch my eye. The one for a game named Kingdoms of Amalur, so I decided to download that and review it.

Kingdoms of Amalur is an upcoming Role Playing Game, with the lead designer of one of my favourite games, Ken Rolston working on it. He made Morrowind, he also made a game which I would rather have caught SARS from an infected Snowman than play, Oblivion. It was also written by R.A Salvatore, who I have heard is a good writer, but writer doesn't count, Black Ops had the same writer as Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, in the biggest drop in quality since Winston Churchill applied for the position of sex slave. So for this review of a demo, which is like reviewing a film while watching it through a man hole cover, I will split this into different categories starting with... *play epic music*


In the game you have the choice to play as Humans, More Humans, Slightly Grey Humans, and Even Greyer Humans. At least in the Elder Scrolls I get much more of a choice, in this it's the equivalent of having to pick if you want to watch Disaster Movie or be raped by Squirrels.

The Game starts with a cinematic which couldn't be more like Lord of The Rings if it had a top on saying Peter Jackson can I give you a back massage. The narrator is basically Galadriel, and there is even a bit which looks suspiciously like The Last Alliance of Men and Elves, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't. The again I'm not sure why I subject myself to this crap, so don't listen to my opinion.

After this I was greeted by a screen of blackness, because the people who made this game couldn't optimise it for an ATI card, but I turned off post processing and it worked, only to be met by the faces of two midgets, who both looked like they were about to start dancing wildly that they had struck oil. They threw me into a pit full of more bodies than... Well any joke I make here will be ridiculously offensive. It's just a shame that all the dead bodies look like sex dolls after a holiday to the bottom of a river, taking away more seriousness than having a man do the Charleston at the back of a news report on mass homicide.

The whole plot is harder to get into than a brick wall, and seemed to jump more jarringly between subjects than a Bi-Polar raccoon, leaving me confused, but it doesn't bother me at the moment, it could become better later on into the game not in the demo. But it's fucking shit anyway. (More uneducated opinion by me.)


Let's start with the melee combat, which feels slicker than an oil covered eel. The maximum gameplay which involves melee combat may just be you spam clicking whatever button it is like you are trying to give yourself arthritis, but at least it feels better than the one in basically any Elder Scrolls game. It is however, supposed to be a combination of both an Elder Scrolls game and a God of War game, and it completely fails at the latter it may as well have fallen out of a building onto a brick floor. It's average to good though.

I feel like I should give a quick mention to the blocking though, which involves you pulling out a shield which you conveniently managed to store at the back of your arse.

Then we have the stealth, which is also ok, but nowhere near as good as the one which is in most modern games, like in Skyrim or Deus Ex Human Revolution. One thing it does have like these games is the awful stealth kill animation, which as always is more jarring than the scene in The Pianist where everybody in the Warsaw Ghetto stands up and starts singing In The Navy.

Now we have the worst part of the combat, the Archery, which has an aiming system like they had got a blind man to create it. It flickers about from box to box instead of that obviously less threatening spider in my path, which leads me to believe that the plot twist will be that all the boxes unite against whoever you are fight for and try to take over the world for the Holy Boxyness. So all in all, the archery leaves me feeling annoyed, like a turtle had just pissed on my head.


All I have to say about this is that my character runs about like they have had a spike shoved up there arse, and that the game has taken away my ability to jump. They may as well have taken away my hands at the same time. I hate games which remove the ability to jump, it feels like they have removed all sense of freedom I had in the game.

Also the camera positioning is terrible, like it had been designed by a person with a nail through there jaw... I don't know why that would affect camera positioning but the point stands anyway.

So overall, I will not be getting this game, as it is terrible, especially if you compare it to some of the other RPG's on the market at the moment. However I'm pretty sure at this point last year, we were getting Dragon Age 2, which it is better than.... Then again that is like contemplating if you should be infected with AIDS or having a glass bottle shoved down your throat. If somebody asked you to buy this game, I'm pretty sure this will be your reaction. (Ignore the fact that, that TV program is also terrible)

Anyway to end on a lighter note, here is a Turtle trying to fly... Also I'm probably on crack.

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