L.A Noire Rant

Ok, back to normal schedule since I have my new mouse (and have had for a while), the problem being, my normal schedule revolves around playing games, which is like telling somebody you violently rape dead squirrels. But to use an old cliché, the show must go on no matter how many of the cast are being taken away for bestiality related crimes, so here I am to you anyway to finally review a game which I have been planning on for a long time.

There have been a lot of open world sandbox games over the past year, and by past year I mean the one that ended a few months back. There was probably more sand involved than if the Sahara desert decided to invade. So how do you set your game apart from all these competitors on the market? Easy, remove any freedom that the person may be wanting to use, and force him to do certain things.

This is L.A Noire, otherwise known as GTA but with cars that drive slower than an old man being chased by a fucking disable snail. You play a cor blimey ye ol' days copper, who even though I said it like that, is not at all based in London and is in fact in Los Angeles amazingly, wonder how anybody could have worked that one out?

The main character is Cole Phelps, who appears to have had all his lines written by Nick Griffin after his meeting with Hitler. Every time he opens his mouth he says something more offensive than Charles Dickens during his adolescent years and he may as well stab himself in the arse at the start of every conversation just to make it less tedious. And it doesn't help that his voice makes him sound like the biggest twat this side of Amsterdam's red light district, he is voiced by Aaron Staton, of Mad Men fame, you know, that TV program which portrays the lives of people who think there better than you... From the 60's.

This guy also seems to have no reaction at seeing any of the crimes which have occurred. I'm pretty sure there's a psychological term for this called Fucking Psychotic. He doesn't even bat an eye lid when he sees a naked whore cut up like an orange in a blender. Perhaps he just gets turned on by this stuff, that weird shit.

However this game has a way to make this guy likeable... He's the only non-corrupt cop in the L.A.P.D. Because that is something has is never used in TV programs and is so original it probably fits their alongside all British people being evil arses. And anyway, the L.A.P.D sounds like the worst police force to become corrupt in ever, all the crimes revolve around catching traffic thieves or having some guys hat shot off by a pop gun. You may as well start a crime ring in the fucking magic roundabout for how good it is.

You slowly make your way up the ranks of the L.A.P.D which sounds an exciting thing to do when you get home from work, trying to work even more to get promoted. It must be like hell for any real police officers playing this game. What's next Rockstar? A game about starting an icecream store and trying to get it worldwide? And if you're making a game about crime, at least let me become the executioner so I can fry the annoying cunt I play as myself.

I think a major thing to talk about in this game is the supposedly amazing face technology which it has and is supposed to make all the characters look like their actual models perfectly. Apparently all the characters models where elephants with modelling clay stretched across their arses then, because the characters in this game look good in the same way that you may say a man with two heads looks good in a creepy, what the hell, kind of way. And that's not even mentioning the actual bodies of the characters, which them all walk around like they have a burning hot rod shoved up there rectum until it's coming out of their nose, they show absolutely no movement from the neck down, so they seem to have all been paralysed by rattlesnake venom.

So next to the cars, which all look like identikit boxes and move like there being pushed by a fat mechanic up Mt. Everest. They handle terrible, somebody may as well have replaced there brakes with jelly and you would be able to stop more quickly, and that's the only thing quick about these cars because they move at the speed of a snowman having a cardiac arrest. Then again, there are a few good cars, mainly the secret ones you can find for some reason at petrol stations. For example, one I found looked like The Batmobile after Batman went crazy and became an off road driver on crack, the other was a mini bus after going through a shrink ray.

Then again after all these bad points, there are worse games you could inspire to copy off when you decide to make an adventure game, which is the equivalent of choosing too end your own life or what colour socks your dog should wear. It at least manages to tell you a story without constantly forcing you into quick time events like a very pushy mother.

On a similar note though, we get to the worst part of the game, the world. It seems to advertise itself as an open world game but you quickly realise it is not, like going onto a porn website and seeing that it is now about classical art... By Picasso. Outside of missions you can't really adventure, because supposedly police can't leave the fucking police station anytime they want to, and as a police officer, you can also not kill anybody. I have a gun, let me fucking use it instead of having him store it up his arse like a huge laxative (that is shoved up the arse). Half the time you just ask your partner to drive you to destinations anyway, because L.A seems to be a ridiculously boring town, along the lines of Sheffield... And your partner is always an even bigger tosser than you.

Well this game left me annoyed, but at least I managed to get this rant finally done after promising it for the last few months. I swear more than usual here as well somehow, and I forgot to talk about the interrogation, I might do a small rant about it next week or something.