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Hello all and welcome to my blog (this is one of the nicest things you will ever here me say), in which i will whine and be cynical about different things until you'll either want to put a bullet through your head or drown yourself in your own piss.

I am now Jooseman, the Artist formerly known as Jonith, and I have stopped using the name Jonith regularly (however do still have many accoun named Jonith, so go by both) as it got confusing, So call me Jooseman or Joose or whatever. Call me TwatBucket if it pleases you.

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Rants up on this blog on Friday if I've done one, just too add a little bit of schedule here.

Anyway thats all from me, and also check out Rofling Officer Productions. He is a collaborater of mine.

Friday, 30 March 2012

L.A Noire Interrogation Rant

Because I'm a lazy bastard who forgot that he didn't talk about the interrogation in his rant about L.A Noire, as well as the fact that I want to milk this more than an electrified milking machine in a BDSM club, here is my rant about the interrogation system from the game, possibly one of the most useless things ever to be placed into a game ever.

I hate puzzle games. Puzzle games are the equivalent to gaming as pornography about elephants is to classy videos on the internet. What's the point with Puzzle games? They come across a nice, casual game, before promptly showing you a decapitated head of a parent and sending you into a mental breakdown. If that's the sort of thing you call casual, you are probably less likeable than a tape worm doing a Hitler impression.

And then you get puzzle games disguising themselves as normal games, such is the interrogation system in L.A Noire. This game thought it could trick me, but it couldn't because I have the cunning of a dead fox in an incinerator. It thought I would think this a fun, action game, but no. It's actually a puzzle game in which you stare creepily into people's faces for 5 hours like a dead pervert.

The interrogation in this game involves interrogating people amazingly, by forcing you to look at the people's faces (who I may remind you, look like somebody who's just been curb stomped into a pile of gravel and dog shit). After looking at people's faces, you have to guess at 1 of 3 options which you have down the side... Except occasionally you can remove one of these options, which is retarded, and is like in an actual interrogation you forced the prisoner to suck your cock if he lied. No matter that, it's not exactly Lie to Me style facial deduction, more if Micky Mouse became a policeman and had to question rapists for a Disney straight to TV movie.

These are not the only problems with the whole interrogation thing. The main one is that they have to get actors to pretend to lie for some of them. Some of them seem to be acted by the likes of Nicholas Cage (he's not actually in the game, you can lower your pitchforks) or anybody else from the School of Cannot Act, just down the road from The School of Hard Knocks. Then you have the opposite end of the scale, where the actors lie in with huge exaggeration, shuffling about as if there dick has just caught fire, and moving their heads about like they are watching Pong in the Large Hadron Collider.

And then what happens when you get it right? Detective Inspector Dick Hole the 2nd
will make an offensive comment to the person, and in today's society getting arrested for a whole bunch of prejudice laws. The thing is, when you get it wrong and they are threatening to cut your head off and replace it with an ice cube, he thanks them for their time and walks off. So apparently is Bi-Polar.

This however has got me thinking, if we are having retarded puzzles in games like this now, what else can we put in to pad out the game in a nonsensical way, and here are 3 options:

1. A beauty contest mini game in Manhunt 2. Just imagine the women walking along the catwalk as you press random combinations of buttons to take photos of the models after a hard days killing. Also you aren't told what buttons to press, it's a guess, as that's a challenge.
2. A cooking game in Amnesia: The Dark Descent. What could be better than making your freakish guest monsters omelettes for dinner while adventuring around an ancient castle. Nothing, I tell you, Nothing. Now be a nice host and go make me a cup of tea.
3. Adding a mini game to make your character have to transport an elderly woman to the bathroom in any game that you play. Don't do your back in as you carry her up the stairs in a patronising manner. This is the most riveting mini game ever, I think it would fit the pace of any Call of Duty game.
4. Adding a tower defence game to Assassins Cre... Oh bollocks.

Anyway, there are my thoughts on the Interrogation in this game, and, because I can't think of a witty way to finish of this sentence and rant here is me saying some random words: bollocks, twat, orange, cheese, cat, more cats, something about the Muppets and ice cream.

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