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Hello all and welcome to my blog (this is one of the nicest things you will ever here me say), in which i will whine and be cynical about different things until you'll either want to put a bullet through your head or drown yourself in your own piss.

I am now Jooseman, the Artist formerly known as Jonith, and I have stopped using the name Jonith regularly (however do still have many accoun named Jonith, so go by both) as it got confusing, So call me Jooseman or Joose or whatever. Call me TwatBucket if it pleases you.

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Rants up on this blog on Friday if I've done one, just too add a little bit of schedule here.

Anyway thats all from me, and also check out Rofling Officer Productions. He is a collaborater of mine.

Monday, 29 October 2012

War of the Roses Joint Rant

Rofling Officer: Hello there, internet delinquents! And welcome back to another joint review/rant by me, the Rofling Officer, your Messiah and Saviour, and Jooseman Jonith Huckelberry III esq., some random douche I found wandering the streets. Over a four hour period our partnership blossomed, and well here we are once again to review a game. This time: War of the Roses, a medieval combat multiplayer game that we have both played for a while now. We were going to do a comparison with Chivalry, but that was binned (neither of us own it and I never even mentioned it to him). So to start us off, here is Jooseman:

Jooseman: Ah yes, Chivalry that game that we are a absolutely qualified to compare and contrast War of the Roses to. See, I even have a faked degree from some school (degree not attached.) So, War of the Roses, a game I have been waiting a long time for. It felt like it took so long to come out, I may as well have invented a time machine and gone to get it. As a proud bloody northerner, the game spoke to me, like a dildo may speak to a sexually unsatisfied whore, and I felt the need to buy it.
The basic premise is obviously that it's set in the War of the Roses, which is like questioning when a game called 1776, America's Year of Asskicking Awesomness is set. It is a multiplayer game with a twist, that every man, woman, dog and snowman (latter 3 may be included in DLC never) have swords, bows, arrows and the like, as you play as either Yorkshire or Lancashire, in the War of the Bad Accents.

RO: Well thank you for that Jooseman, very informative about nothing at all. You should run for office. Anyway, the game feels much like Battlefield or Call of Duty, but implanted in medieval times. For example there is an enormous amount of customisation (but not for your character bizarrely, when I saw the guy who look like he had a lobotomy with a garden shovel I instantly thought: all my men will look like that, so it’s the Army of Dumbasses), you can change your arrow type, armour type, sword sharpness, fighting style, what finger you pick your nose with, whether you have sticky keys on or off or whether you use Mac or Windows (Windows). The great thing about the War of the Roses is the sheer amount of stuff to buy, all sorts of armours and weapons and horses, and there is a fair few maps too. While this does add to the longevity of the game, it’s too little too late as the game is more barren than a woman living in the desert with no uterus who doesn’t believe in sex before marriage. There are a measly TWO game modes, and both are nothing new. Team Deathmatch is always welcome in these games, and it’s certainly very enjoyable, but as for Conquest… What a pile of shite. Imagine running across three fields. That’s what conquest feels like to me, lots of effort and boredom for nothing at all. I’ll come back to this a little later, but for now: Jooseman?

Jooseman: I enjoy Conquest, the problem is, you get points quicker than a man with premature ejaculation gets off. Seriously, you can get out of games with way over 5000 points a game, which is enough to buy most weapons, armour and icecream topping one at a time. This means you buy can rapidly buy things and the only thing adding longevity is the levels (Which also advance with the points) and that doesn't itself last long. Once you have built your optimum build. you have no reason to continue playing the game really... Except because you find it fun. Now let's talk about the classes some more. The one I'm using is essentially a Guy on steroids moulded into armour and carrying a sword so huge that it's designed to compensate for something. The thing is, I can never see myself switching to a different classes except maybe to choose some heavier armour. That's another problem, the effect that heavier armour has on you. Yes you start sprinting, and it feels like you're trying to run while carrying a fucking elephant in really heavy armour, but it all round doesn't make a difference that is game changing. I have a solution to this. Make the people in light armour into fucking superman. Have them fly around helping children in a way that is completely different to Jimmy Saville, and then shoot people as they run past. Maybe they can even fight themselves not in costume at some point.
No matter what I say however, this game is still ridiculously good fun to play with a few friends and the scale of some of the battles are pretty amazing, when you have 32 people on each side just charging at each other like angry Scotsmen... Or Scotsmen. As they get picked off by archers, and you wade into conflict, swinging your huge sword like Gregor Clegane from A Song of Ice and Fire (Game of Thrones for you TV watchers) or a violent pornstar. It's immense and fun enough to look over the faults I've said so far.

Rofling Officer: Now then, more criticism… (you should take this as a good sign that I’m struggling to take the piss at this point) Well the hand to hand combat isn’t much good, but that’s gonna take a little while to explain, and here it is. While swinging a sword is insanely accurate (I dread to think how the people making the hitboxes were treated, their family were probably forced into prostitution unless they get it precisely right), there isn’t any real weight behind the swing. It looks like your character is about as into the battle as he would be when cleaning up his dog’s shit. It really is a shame, but it’s MORE than made up for by the awesome ranged combat. While swords and other melee weapons have zero weight and momentum, the bows and crossbows are amazingly powerful, and the sound design is gorgeous. And when you pull off an instakill headshot and the Quake announcer yells “HEADSHOT!” I can’t help but cross my legs with joy. An absolute delight from the round start to the round end, worth it just for that.

Jooseman: Talking about the combat, another criticism of the combat is how insanely difficult it is to tell how much damage you have taken. Sometimes the game doesn't even allow you to have strawberries rammed into your eyes by a hammer before you drop dead, it just does it. It's hard to know if you are being slowly sliced in half by a massive sword, or if some annoying prick as started trying to poke at you with the effective battlefield weapon of a toothpick. They may as well have gone down the realistic option, and given you the number of hitpoints you have in the corner, because that's how real life works.

Rofling Officer: Now to conclude: this game is good. Really good. And it’s pretty cheap, but multiplayer only. The bows and crossbows are amazing, but the melee weapons aren’t so good though. So is it a recommendation? Yeah sure. Get it! This is Master Chief Petty Officer James Rofling, 007 signing off.

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