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Hello all and welcome to my blog (this is one of the nicest things you will ever here me say), in which i will whine and be cynical about different things until you'll either want to put a bullet through your head or drown yourself in your own piss.

I am now Jooseman, the Artist formerly known as Jonith, and I have stopped using the name Jonith regularly (however do still have many accoun named Jonith, so go by both) as it got confusing, So call me Jooseman or Joose or whatever. Call me TwatBucket if it pleases you.

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Rants up on this blog on Friday if I've done one, just too add a little bit of schedule here.

Anyway thats all from me, and also check out Rofling Officer Productions. He is a collaborater of mine.

Sunday, 23 December 2012

2012 in Film - Day 23/5 Advent Rant

Rofling Officer: Well that's another 12 months in the bag, 12 months of movies that we mostly didn't see (cinemas are expensive y'know). But today's list is some highlights, some of the blockbusters from this year that we actually did see (I refused to watch the Amazing Spider-Man, so that isn't there) so to the interest of Bob, the man who cleans out the public toilets in Winchester, let's begin:

Jooseman: Prometheus, bloody Prometheus. The thought that I willingly paid money to money to see this armadillos shit of a film fills me full of fucking anger. This film, while not the worst of 2012 by any means, because if you think this film is worse than fucking Wrath of the Titans, please voluntarily go to the nearest suicide clinic. Anyway, now we've got the pleasantries out of the way, onto the main part. This film sucked so much cock it suffered stomach rupture due to the amount of cum it was swallowing. This film had plot with the structure of a building which has foundations made of biscuit wafers. It starts with two people finding some cave paintings in a really surprising location, a chocolate factory... I mean a cave. They then automatically realise these cave paintings are a map to somewhere, because they two people have at some point in the past had their brains replaced by a fucking sat nav. So Future Indiana Jones and his significant other head off to this planet on a spaceship because some dead billionaire believes this quest isn't crazy... and I'm Superman. On this spaceship they meet the other people will be joining them, including Hells Angels Geologist, Pudding for Brains Biologist, Uptight Porno Secretary Charlize Theron, two random pilots who get 5 lines and die, and Idris Elba, who is fucking awesome. Also there is David, an awesome android, apparently played by me.
So they mill about on this planet for a while like they own the place for a while, constantly doing things to nearly get themselves killed and one does, at the same time as impregnating a sterile woman, because fuck logic, grow aliens. This brings me to the main problem with the film, the most exciting part comes from a fucking Caesarean. If, in a Sci-Fi action film, your most exciting part is a Caesarean, then your plot is about as interesting as a painted brick wall. It was an exciting fucking  Caesarean, and that scene was done well, but still, you have the writing capabilities of a monkey in a dishwasher. So then we find out Dead Billionaire is actually alive, and is in fact Rupert Murdoch wanting to live forever. So they mill about for a while, find out the planet Is actually a military testing ground for the Engineers, which is like the US government making maps to Los Alamos during the Manhattan project, a shit ending happens, people die and the woman leaves with the head of David. Also then the most lacklustre chest burst ever happens, perhaps the Alien was just feeling bored that morning. The film plot can be described as , Future Indiana Jones and the Quest for the Tentacle Porn.

RO: Fucking hell he wrote a lot. I don't have as much animosity towards this film as he does, probably because I just borrowed the DVD and watched it, whereas he paid actually money to see this piece of shit... First off, let's get the good out of the way: I really, really like the opening; it gives me a great feeling of journeying into the unknown, and the writing portrays the mystery of it quite well. The special effects were also very, very nice, particularly in the appalling climax (OK that was a little backhanded). Oh and as Jooseman stated above, that scene with the Caesarian/abortion was fucking intense and terrifying, very well done there Mr Scott. However, despite these things: this is the worst film I've seen this year. Yes, yes, there is far worse crap out there, but still, watching this piece of shit is like eating a computer monitor, garnished with lashings of hot vomit. And the monitor is made from a septic tank. And the septic tank was full of copies of the Human Centipede.
OK reasons at last: the characters are the dumbest, dumbest morons who ever managed to find out which were their arses and which were their elbows. How this idiots ever became scientists is totally unbelievable, unless there was a gas leak in the cryo-pod things and they all got brain damage. I'm not even being facetious, I literally expected that retard biologist to say something like "I like plants, they.. very... goood harblegribblehblrhfn..." and then falls over dead. Douchebag. There's one scene where the biologist and this other guy meet an unknown and obviously hostile alien lifeform. The thing looks like a king cobra crossed with an elephant penis, and it even starts hissing at them, so what does the biologist do? He goes over to it making "awww" noises and tries to stroke it. Suffice to say, it attacks and kills him, and the guy has the infuriating arrogance to seem shocked and scared. The characters are that stupid, and it's almost impossible to watch as a result.
 Another thing that makes this film terrible are the character arcs. There aren't any. The nadir of this is Charlize Theron's character, who starts as a bitch, then gets crushed to death, while still a bitch. The main character's attitudes do change, but only because she had an abortion, and the end of her arc is total bullshit. The ending overall is one giant cockslap, there is nothing satisfying about it other than the fact that so many characters die. I think I'll close by saying that the Doctor Who episode "The Waters of Mars" was very similar to this film, but infinitely better, cheaper to make and cheaper to watch. Go watch that right now, Prometheus fans, and tell me how wrong I'm not... (I wrote shit loads too)

RO: I will be the only one reviewing this, mainly because like another couple of people in the world, my partner hasn't seen this film. Right, first off before I start this I want to say I enjoyed this movie. Whatever you take away from this little review thing don't let it be that this film is bad. It's just not good. It's enjoyable, nothing more and nothing less. It's the film equivalent of a fireworks display, lots of colour and flash but with nothing else to it. Unlike the Dark Knight Saga there's no themes, no complex characters or real story to speak of. It's just a bunch of superheroes trying to stop the supervillain using his super evil powers to take over the world. Which is fine, I mean I enjoyed Independence Day even though it had an incredibly basic plot for the most part, because of the awesome explosions and fighting, and I enjoy the Avengers because all it is one big excuse to show explosions and amazing fight scenes. BUT YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP IF YOU THINK THIS IS A GREAT MOVIE. I've heard it described as the best superhero film of all time. Fuck. That. The Dark Knight is a billion billion times better on every single level. This isn't even a good movie, the villain is a stock, one dimensional douche bag who it's easier to laugh at than to be intimidated by. He's not even that unlikeable, he's just cute. That scene where he gets the German people to bow to him was hilariously bad, not only because of the amount of cliches involved but also because of how silly it all is.
There is no plot, the extent is that: Loki is coming with an army, Loki is here, fight Loki, defeat Loki. That's it, there is literally nothing else. It's just one big excuse for an enormous fight scene. Which, I state again, is fine, but don't. you. dare. try to tell me that this is a great movie. Go fuck yourself. It's enjoyable enough, but there are no characters, no plot, no themes, nothing to ponder, nothing that defies conventions. It's just there to exist to make money and entertain you. So please, never defend this movie or try to compare it to any of Nolan's Batmen, it doesn't hold a candle. It doesn't even hold a candle to Superman Fucking II... so there you go. No this wasn't very funny, I know, but I don't care, this point had to be made.

Joose: There is honestly not much to say Skyfall at all. really, the plot is very basic James Bond except with a huge twist at the end, which was interesting. The main point is that the film is much, much better than Quantum of Solace, in which the bad guy wanted to made a South American country pay more money for water. The action scenes where good in this, except the fight scene at the top of the neon lit hotel room, which looked like they had just started a fight in an obnoxiously dark strip club.
The Main thing I want to talk about is the Villain, who is altogether pretty shit. They could have replaced the bad guy with a fucking stick, and it would make no difference. The bad guy was essentially a bipolar, psychotic, children's TV character in his personality. At some point in the fim he switches from expert hacker to "rargh rargh I'm gonna shoot you up" personality for no reason, like in between scenes they switched his brains with Raoul Moat after shoving them through a blender. His character barely develops, and his only point seems to be to develop M's character, which, to be honest, works. The main point of the movie was M and her character development, up until the amazing climax. Too sum this movie up, in most years, this would be the film of the year if it wasn't for these next two movies, I have no huge criticism about the film except the bad guy, but I can't think of huge holy shit standout moments like the next films, so I have nothing to talk about, and this wasn't funny, so I'll just do a little dance *pretend to see dancing*
RO: He said everything there is to say about Skyfall really, it's a great movie, go watch it. Oh and that climax was amazing...

The Hobbit
Joose: Ah the Hobbit, the film I have literally waited 9 years for. To be fair, I've probably waited even longer than that, considering that this book is my favourite book ever, it's so good I can't even think of an analogy to talk about how good it is. Combine a favourite book with the fact that the Lord of the RIngs films are also my favourite films ever, and you get as much expectation as you may from the 2nd Coming. I was waiting for this film for so, so long, and does it meet my expectations of it? Yes and No.
First off the plot, and the plot should be known to you by now considering this book is from the fucking 30's, if you don't know the plot of this by now go and pick up a book you uneducated fucks. Basically though, this sums up the first part of the journey itself, going from The Shire, to the entrance of Mirkwood, as Thorin and his company (+Bilbo) go to reclaim Erebor, while being chased by Magical Plot Orc, the most magical of all the Orcs, who didn't appear in the book. All around, the journey seems to so far be epic, like a road trip to go pick up Prostitutes and become a billionaire, however there are criticisms.
First, the characters, they are about as memorable as that one guy in Titanic who got picked up by a lifeboat and lived the rest of his life a normal person. I'm mainly talking about the dwarves here, it's obvious you could pick out Gandalf from a crowd even if he was stark naked and wearing camouflage. There are only 5 that you can both remember the names of, and who they are in the film. Thorin, obviously, and if you can't tell who he is, please go have your eyes ripped out by pliers, then Kili and Fili, Bombur who is the one who looks like he's been inflated by a tyre pump which was pumping Big Macs, and Gloin. The rest, while they can be named, I couldn't tell you who plays who, which is slightly annoying. Another problem with some of the characters is that some look older than they do in The Lord of the Rings, which makes me suspect that Gandalf discovered the time machine.
There is one character, specifically I wish to talk about, and that is Radagast. Yes you expect comedy in the Hobbit, as its based off a children's book and is slightly light hearted, but Radagast's personality belongs in the film like an orthodox Jew belongs in pornography. His character is awful, the effect of see the Necromancer/Sauron in Dol Guldur (incidentally the ruins are played by Harenhall from A Song of Ice and Fire) is completely ruined when the guy tries to get away on a fucking sledge pulled by Rabbits. Jesus, could you imagine in Saving Private Ryan the storming the beaches of Normandy is re-enacted by Squirrels. And then there is the chase scene by the orcs for him, which is essentially something out of Scooby Doo. Also how the fuck did he get to Gandalf so quickly across the mountains, while it took the dwarves so much hassle? Imagine if in the Battle of the Blackwater in Game of Thrones, when Stannis' men start playing drums, they all burst out into Phil Collins. If he was just used for comic relief I would be less annoyed but still annoyed, he just annoys me so much because he acts comical while making serious points. Yes I understand his character is supposed to be slightly like this (he's not in the books) but it's still over the top for laughs.
Finally, the 48FPS thing. I don't understand at all why this made people sick, at the start it makes everything sped up like they are all characters in a silent comedy, but you get used to it and while it can make things seem too real, and so the CGI doesn't seem as good, it wasn't bad like people said, and it does seem like the future of cinema. Anyway, that's the end of what I have to say about The Hobbit, this film was amazing, and you will see why it didn't get my film of the year soon, but I now can't wait until the next parts, Beorn will be amazing and I really, really want to see The Battle of the 5 Armies.

Dark Knight Rises
Joose: So it comes down to this as the Film of the Year. It was not an easy pick, after seeing the behemoth of the Hobbit, which is possible the greatest use of words ever, but after a large fight which involved much bloodshed, and at one point, sex, The Dark Knight Rises came out the Victor, and Batman is once again the champion, because he's the hero this post deserves.

So, first off, was this film as good as The Dark Knight? Answer, no, obviously not, and if you do go get your head checked out for accidental decapitation please. This film is nowhere near as good as The Dark Knight, which is obvious, because The Dark Knight is like a God amongst men if the films were men and this analogy wasn't shit. When I say everything about this film is like pig shit to The Dark Knight, villain and all, it's not criticising this film, it's glorifying the other, for example while Bane is an awesome character, Heath Ledgers Joker was possibly one of the greatest movie villains ever portrayed ever, even better than Super Awesome MegaVillain, in Transformers: The War for George Bush's Brain, the film which will be released in cinemas never. This doesn't prevent Bane being a bad ass, especially with his voice as he gives out bad ass speeches like an automatic speech making machine... with a gun.
Yes I have criticism with this film, there are major plot holes I do not wish to spoil, because I would rather you watched this film and experienced its awesome power properly. There is also the fact that Batman still has his one liners which are so shit they appear to have been pulled out of a Donkeys arse. Leave the one liners at home, Mr Wayne. Also Alfred seems to go on a holiday half way through and is barely ever mentioned again until the end, so it leaves you feeling he left for Dignitas, until he shows up again, which ruins that joke, and I'm a bad man.
The film does so much right though, the entire plot is amazing filled with awesome set pieces especially one charge at the end I won't tell you any more about, the characters are fucking bad ass, the entire thing is just so good. Christopher Nolan, you bloody well did it again... and now you're teaming up with Zack "Sucker Punch Cunt" Snyder for a film about possibly the shittest Superhero with an allergy to Kryptonite ever, and I feel that it will be lacklustre and disappointing. Why, just why?

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