Rofling Officer: It’s the most wonderful time of the year according to Andy Williams. Unfortunately this timeless message comes in the form of an incredibly monotonous Christmas song. SPEAKING OF WHICH, welcome to Jooseman and I’s rundown of some of the worst Christmas songs we could think of, which will be another part of our Advent Calendar.
Jooseman: So here we are, reviewing music. I'm possibly the most hypocritical bastard since PETA tried to make my skin into a coat. After I did the huge rant last week about how I hate pretty much all music critics for being pretentious fucks, and now I am doing this myself, thus showing once and for all I am the greatest person in the universe. Then again, Christmas Music can't really be considered music anyway, more a guy hammering strawberry jelly into your brain over and over again. Now on to the first song.
Mistletoe and Wine - Cliff Richard
Joose: Ah Cliff Richard, that man who at a mention, will instantly cause all women above the age of 60 to drop their pants and start to masturbate furiously . Every Christmas he turns up like an annoying wart on a very warty person, to sing in a voice which sounds as if he has some guy shoving bags of gravel down his throat, and this song is no different. The song has the monotone styling's of harmonizing Daleks, as he sings about wine and mistletoe. He may as well be singing about mistletoe and incinerating Father Christmas in a furnace for how related those two things are, it would make a better song anyway. I would make jokes about the video itself, but him gliding around possibly the most prickish imaginary village possible is extremely boring to talk about. Then again, he is still releasing shirtless calendars at seemingly the age of 296 years old, so he must be doing something right.
RO: Even just thinking about writing these words makes me ill: Cliff Fucking Richard. Oh Christ(mas)… I can’t take it anymore. I can’t tell you how much I despise this man, he’s hideous and always was, no matter what he thinks (by now his ego is so enormous that he has to book an entire train cart to rest it in), and he’s an appalling and smarmy singer. Hence, one of the worst Christmas songs of all time: Mistletoe and Wine… Watching this cunt sing the song is like ripping out each pube one by one with solidified semen, but it rubs off onto your hands with the pubes and you find out it wasn’t semen all along, but super glue (I don’t know where I’m going with this, I hate this song so much). It’s also repetitive to the point of brain trauma, and excruciating to the point where I have castrated myself through cringing. Christmas Time, Mistletoe and Wine/ makes me want to commit some crimes/ put Cliff on the fire/ And watch him scream/ A time to rejoice when your PC blue-screens.
8 Days of Christmas - Destiny's Child
Joose: Now for the biggest ear exploding travesty since I shoved a Tnt fed marmoset into them. The song has the musical styling's of a dead parrot in a wind machine. How can anybody listen to this song without very slowly going insane and systematically commit genocide on anybody who even dares pick up a microphone to sing. But that's just me thinking about what I would do if I ruled the world. I wish I did. The video itself is a load of consumer obssessed, scantily clad women, walking around a shop, buying shit and seemingly giving blowjobs to cashiers on the side. It's basically the worlds shittest description of Capitalism ever, like if Karl Marx happened to have a prostitute habit while writing the Communist Manifesto. But that's an alternate History scenario for you.
RO: Destiny’s Child… what have you done? Imagine crossing the Human Centipede with Pretty Woman, and you get the feeling I get when I listen to this… This truly is the worst butchering of a classic I’ve ever seen, it’d be like making Bugs Bunny in!... Schindler’s List or have an appalling girl band make a traditional song all about being a superficial whore. The singing/rapping/squalling doesn’t match the music at all, it just makes me imagine the guys recording the music were hired from the top of the nearest building and mixed the track with suicidal thoughts going through their head. Truly, the only thing that slightly redeems this song is Destiny’s Child singing and dancing in incredibly tight fitting Santa outfits anytime they sing it. An awful Christmas song, but ironically is truly reflective of what human beings are like, so kudos Destiny’s Child, you’re geniuses. On the 8th Day of Christmas my Baby Gave to Me/ a chloroform soaked rag so I can’t fucking sing/On the 7th Day of Christmas My baby Gave to Me/a knife to my brain and a hrblegrblesrbling… (collapses dead).
Wonderful Christmastime - Paul McCartney
Joose: Ah, Wonderful Christmastime, a song which has so many synthesisers popping out of it like your intestines after you catch the Ebola virus, but also a song by one of the greatest musical geniuses of all time, Paul McCartney, yet it still ended up shitter than a cats litter tray after you force fed it laxatives you horrible fuck. The song has the lyrical capabilities of a lobotomised dog, as Paul McCartney sings while sounding half constipated. The video itself is almost not even worse discussing, as it switches between him singing in a smoke filled room, which after the song you wish was Carbon Monoxide, and to some depressed looking families. This is what the musical genius behind songs like Let it Be and Hey Jude did. I think I'll cry.
RO: Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas time is one of those songs I feel so bad for. It’s like if you googled an ex-girlfriend to try and hook up with again now Satan is in danger of tripping over your standards to find out they’d been committed after attempting to eat a live rodent: it could have been something special, but it just tastes of the plague. Paul McCartney is a living British icon, and one of the greatest musicians of our time, but this song is shit. It barely even SOUNDS like Paul McCartney; just sounds like a speech synthesiser set to cliché mode which some guy making beats off of that. Granted, it’s good for dancing to at Christmas parties, but every other aspect of the song makes it sound quite reprehensively appalling. I’m afraid to actually attack this song or the artist as I have so much respect for him, so let’s just leave it at this song is disappointing drab and plain bad… I can’t do the song lyrics thing for this one, it’s too depressing…
Last Christmas - Wham
Joose: Last Christmas, now coming to any shopping centre music player near you, with nonsensical lyrics, apparently about a butcher giving away any leftovers to people for Christmas before having his heart broken by you. YOU BASTARD. The song is played so much at Christmas, you feel like the song would induce an aneurysm in a deaf person. The song represents what Christmas means, if, for Christmas, you happened to want to kill any last vestiges of humanity in the world. I sure do, so why don't you? Also we may be doing something special with this song.
RO: Wham are one of those really old boy bands that just seem creepy now that all the members have grown into grizzled middle aged men, same with people like David Bowie and the Lockerbie bomber (holy shit). Then again even at the time their music was shit, and I was born in 1996 for fuck’s sake. This is a prime example of using Christmas just to choke out another love song that will rake in the pennies. To quote the great philosopher Adam Levine, “if I hear one more fuckin’ love song I’ll be sick” Now I’m at a payphone… writing this down for you all to read you lucky bastards, and it just occurred to me that I don’t hate this song as much as I think I do, because this Friday I’ll be singing it for you ,you lucky shits! Check the channel for that. Anyway: the song is drearily boring and predictable, and it’s nothing you haven’t heard a billion times before in other better and worse songs. It’s a popcorn song; nothing brand new and exciting, just something you stick on at tedious get togethers to delay the inevitable realisation that we’re all going to die (possibly on the 21st of December [note to morons, this won’t happen]). Good for white noise, but little else. Last Christmas, I ripped out my heart/Then the very next day/I gave it to you/This year, to save me from jail/I’ll keep to my restraining order, order…
Fairytale of New York - The Pogues and Kirsty MacColl
Joose: Finally a good Christmas song, and one of the few which can keep me sane around Christmas time. I don't know why, it just seems to sum up mine, and the rest of Britain's (yes it's a British song, not an Irish song, I can rant with you about it if you want, but that's not funny, you humourless arsehole. Please go jump into a pit of burning Komodo Dragons) spirit around Christmas time. It just warms my heart... as much as you can warm the darkness of space, to hear me represented in a song. Because it is about me, and anybody who disagrees is a dirty, stinking liar. Also Shane MacGowan looks like a rat who has had his face imploded into itself, while under attack by a shovel, but t'songs still good.
RO: At the beginning of the end, here is my favourite Christmas song: A Fairytale of New York, a bitterly cynical and refreshing story in the guise of a Christmas song. Listen to the chorus and you might be forgiven for mistaking it to be a happy feelgood song, but in reality it’s about a break up, Taylor Swift style (not really). The tune is great, and Kirsty McColl is a good singer. Shame about the Pogues singer sounding like they pulled in a random drunken homeless man in mid shitting stance to record his lines, but overall it’s a fantastic song and is the recipe for a wonderful Christmas time. There really isn’t much I can say to entertain myself, never mind you, so check that song out, it's really really good! Enjoy.
Joose: And now time for song of the year. Which song will it be, oooh ahhhh, you already fucking know as you'll have read below, so here it is.
Call me Maybe - Carly Rae Jepsen
Joose: If there was one song which deserves to be archived by congress and stored in the Smithsonian for later generations, it is this song. It is really the greatest use of human creativeness since the paining of the Sistine Chapel. Is it bad that I'm only being slightly ironic here, I liked this song so ironically that it has come round to being fucking amazing, and I actually love it now. I'm confused. It's much better than most Modern Pop.
I don't know what the best song would be if you want a non Modern Pop song, . I still stand by Call me Maybe being song of the year, if not the fucking decade though. And if anybody disagrees, please go lubricate your head and shove it up a dogs shitter.
RO: Here's our favourite song of the year. And it is… Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen! When Jooseman suggested this, I thought he was speaking ironically, as it seems like the kind of song he despises, full of feelings of love and warmth and a woman getting soap all over her (no complaints from him about the topless man however), but no, he was serious. And so am I, this song is ludicrously catchy, like a baseball glove crossed with a catch on a door (Most Trippy Analogy 2012?), and it has one of the best endings to a song I’ve ever see (I’m talking about where the guy turns out to be gay and she has the best facial expression I’ve ever seen). Relentlessly addictive, hilarious, and actually a pretty excellent spoof, probably the year’s best (unless I remember another song from this year that was really good, I can’t think of too many at the moment) Listen to this on the strike on Midnight on the 31st of December, and magically, a new year will begin. Merry Christmas! Hey, I just met you/And this is crazy/But we used no condom/So here’s your baby.