Minecraft

Unless you've been stuck inside your impenetrable fortress, sticking cotton wool in your ears, while screaming Justin Bieber songs like a retard for the past 8 months your bound to have heard of Minecraft. It's like it's creators have told people to constantly mention there games on the sly so then they can stand up and say, look we did no advertising. Kinda like after the Iraq war when George Bush said that all evidence pointed to there being WMD's in Iraq. It seems I can't go 5 minutes without somebody shouting, "have you found any Diamond", or "are those magic mushrooms that they just added to the game any good."

Yes Minecraft, that game which feels like it's got Multiple Personality Syndrome, it hasn't yet worked out whether it's a casual relaxing game or one which shoves cartoon spiders and monsters in your face more often than that paedophile down the street shoves cock in your child. I'm just standing there minding my own business murdering the whole population of animals faster than Hitler can say holocaust (don't worry, the animals somehow respawn... at a fullgrown state and a personality which just makes them want to start shagging dirt blocks. I see Darwins theory went well) without a giant penis thing blowing itself up in my face.

Eventually, after hearing people rave about this game more than that strange person up the street has rang a bell shouting the end of the world is coming, I decided to buy this game because, hey, it wasn't that expensive. So that's what I did before, just after downloading, it turned out the fucking minecraft servers were down again. Eventually the game decided "hey, we've pissed him off enough now" and let the game work. So then it decided to drop me into a land onto some sand. Some nice peacful music was playing at this time but all I was doing was thinking, a shotgun would make this game better. Then ten minutes later, when the game seems to get bored of day and allow you to explore the night like that mysterious stalker who followed you yesterday, some topiary figures cut to look like dicks walked up to me and blew my legs up to the moon before some spider came and teabagged my body. STILL WANTING A SHOTGUN OVER HERE.

That pissed me off, i'm going to get revenge on these monsters, but then, after being sexual assaulted by some skeletons and there arrows, i decided to start another world, after watching some videos to help me. First thing, beat the wood with my hand, which sounds like my average day if i've got nothing better to do. Next use that wood to craft a load of other more useful wood based products until eventually you've made a pickaxe. Now the skys going dark you idiot, you should have done that quicker, now find some coal to make some torches. Now you've got the coal make some torches, you used all you wood to make pickaxes, you idiot. Quickly go out and get more before you get killed by monsters. Now dig a hole and cry yourself to sleep.

Thats basically the only thing which has any purpose in the game, now you make your own goals, which i did. I decided i wanted to make a large base and a network of smaller bases with giant towers, connecting them all together with a large walkway in the sky, those damn terrorists won't get me up there. A few hours later, while I was decorating a small bedroom i dug into a huge underground cave system a large army of explosives experts charged into by house and made it look like a mansion in Somalia. Yeah thanks for that, I always want somebody in my game to ruin my fun. Now all i've got is a load of floating towers which i cannot access.

It isn't really a game, more a playground in which your children regularly get molested by paedophiles or killed by axe wielding maniacs which spoil there fun. They may as well have got a random bully to come out and constantly kick sand in my face whenever I try and play. However it is fun and after playing it for 4 hours i realised, i'm quite enjoying this, once I had a diamond sword, so i could kill all them creatures looking like a playboy, millionare, pimp. Them bastards won't know what hit em. Oh no ive fallen into the lava again and lost all my stuff, oh for fuck sake.