Considering some bastards seemed to get more lost than Archduke Franz Ferdinand with an out of date sat nav, I received Shogun 2 a few days after every other total war lover had already torn of the wrapping, polished the cover and spunked over their monitor, so this review will not be as complete as it should be. I can’t blame some delivery company for this though can I; they may have fallen through some black hole TO A HOUSE WHICH WASN’T MINE. Actually no, there just cunts who didn’t deliver it on time, I bet they pissed on the box as well.
Anyway back to the actual game, and the first thing I noticed was the artistic style/ graphics, which are so bright and colourful that you feel like you’ve just got high in a circus while having a fight with Picasso. It takes a while to get used to, after the very similar styles of the previous total war games. The new interface is also more confusing than a hooker who looks after children at a nursery in her spare time and is training to become a nun. It takes so long to get used to you may as well sail around the world, having a boat party with Stephen Hawking and Mohatma Ghandi.
So first question, is it better than Rome or Medieval 2? Short answer no, you idiot, however this surprises me less than seeing a dog giving his inauguration speech while being tossed off by your mum in a peanut costume. Of course it wasn’t going to be better, if it was I would jump up and down like an angry guard on a trampoline. To be better than Rome or Medieval it would have to do something revolutionary, not just make you seem like you're unconscious in the local Meth lab.
The main point is though, is it better than Empire or Napoleon? And luckily the answer to this question is yes. Unlike them two, battles now don’t feel like you’ve stepped into the world’s most boring shouting match which occasionally killed people from boredom or stepping onto a rock. It was boring watching identikit soldiers shooting each other with a worse aim than Professor Aim Bad and his Technicolor shit shot. At least now we get to watch the soldiers charge in like Cod fans at a double point’s weekend. Oh and the bows don’t feel as if there being shot by Jesus anymore so can’t shoot bullets across the map at the rate of Superman after seeing an attractive woman.
So after playing a few custom battles to get myself use to the game, I, like a brain surgeon on crack, ventured into the uncharted waters of campaign. The first thing I noticed was that the money that you start with has been dropped as if it was the head of Treyarch at birth. So I started playing this campaign and I realised, compared to Empire this game is harder than a hard man with an erection. After marching all my troops’ miles away just to finish off a rebel army, the enemy decided it would be a good time to drop my pants and rape me royally up the arse. My army then had to match back quicker than Usain Bolt when he needs a shit, and defeat this army with no time to replenish. This fucked up my army so bad they may as well have all been drunk at the bottom of the ocean.
That was the moment I realised Creative Assembly had decided to give all there plucky young Japanese recruits swimming lessons, and land an army of soldiers at my back door quicker than a Formula 1 driver on speed in a jet plane, before taking my capital. Shit, perhaps starting off on Hard has become a bit more self explanatory this time.
So what else is different, oh yeah, the Naval battles, which last time felt like you were waiting for Half Life 2: Episode 3 to come out. Even on a faster speed you were still fighting as fast as it takes a tortoise to die. They were the worst part of the game, even worse than that secret movie were you can watch A George Washington sex scene with King George the 3rd which I just made up to piss off Americans and illustrate my point some more. I could somehow outnumber the enemy 3:1 and still get kicked in the balls more than a football. What had they got to fight me, the frigging Tardis. It doesn’t help that whenever I had perfectly positioned my ships to fire all my cannons at there's, my ships decided to turn around and flash there arses at the others before being pounded to dust, who had they got to captain my boats, the fucking village people.
So forgive me for being a little sceptical almighty lord when you said that the naval battles will feel more like sieges or other land based battles. But they are, so that showed me. At least the boats can move faster than a car in central London now due to the added ingredient of oars, and the use of bows on most boats now allows me shoot my enemies without caring what my retarded captains are doing. Because of all this, they are actually quite fun and you can use more tactics short of being Admiral Nelson in a submarine.
So that brings me onto the issues, and there are still some, but less noticeable, for example the AI will still occasionally start re arranging its archers like a nerd with OCD will keep re arranging the Warhammer. The generals also still seem to get to much of a hard one on whenever they see a battle and can charge into it like a rapid chipmunk, however once there in the battle they don’t seem to do much, and one of them seemed to just stand there, letting me shoot holes in his body with arrows as he was probably working out where to go on a map.
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