Ok, back to normal schedule since I have my new mouse (and have had for a while), the problem being, my normal schedule revolves around playing games, which is like telling somebody you violently rape dead squirrels. But to use an old cliché, the show must go on no matter how many of the cast are being taken away for bestiality related crimes, so here I am to you anyway to finally review a game which I have been planning on for a long time.
There have been a lot of open world sandbox games over the past year, and by past year I mean the one that ended a few months back. There was probably more sand involved than if the Sahara desert decided to invade. So how do you set your game apart from all these competitors on the market? Easy, remove any freedom that the person may be wanting to use, and force him to do certain things.
This is L.A Noire, otherwise known as GTA but with cars that drive slower than an old man being chased by a fucking disable snail. You play a cor blimey ye ol' days copper, who even though I said it like that, is not at all based in London and is in fact in Los Angeles amazingly, wonder how anybody could have worked that one out?
The main character is Cole Phelps, who appears to have had all his lines written by Nick Griffin after his meeting with Hitler. Every time he opens his mouth he says something more offensive than Charles Dickens during his adolescent years and he may as well stab himself in the arse at the start of every conversation just to make it less tedious. And it doesn't help that his voice makes him sound like the biggest twat this side of Amsterdam's red light district, he is voiced by Aaron Staton, of Mad Men fame, you know, that TV program which portrays the lives of people who think there better than you... From the 60's.
This guy also seems to have no reaction at seeing any of the crimes which have occurred. I'm pretty sure there's a psychological term for this called Fucking Psychotic. He doesn't even bat an eye lid when he sees a naked whore cut up like an orange in a blender. Perhaps he just gets turned on by this stuff, that weird shit.
However this game has a way to make this guy likeable... He's the only non-corrupt cop in the L.A.P.D. Because that is something has is never used in TV programs and is so original it probably fits their alongside all British people being evil arses. And anyway, the L.A.P.D sounds like the worst police force to become corrupt in ever, all the crimes revolve around catching traffic thieves or having some guys hat shot off by a pop gun. You may as well start a crime ring in the fucking magic roundabout for how good it is.
You slowly make your way up the ranks of the L.A.P.D which sounds an exciting thing to do when you get home from work, trying to work even more to get promoted. It must be like hell for any real police officers playing this game. What's next Rockstar? A game about starting an icecream store and trying to get it worldwide? And if you're making a game about crime, at least let me become the executioner so I can fry the annoying cunt I play as myself.
I think a major thing to talk about in this game is the supposedly amazing face technology which it has and is supposed to make all the characters look like their actual models perfectly. Apparently all the characters models where elephants with modelling clay stretched across their arses then, because the characters in this game look good in the same way that you may say a man with two heads looks good in a creepy, what the hell, kind of way. And that's not even mentioning the actual bodies of the characters, which them all walk around like they have a burning hot rod shoved up there rectum until it's coming out of their nose, they show absolutely no movement from the neck down, so they seem to have all been paralysed by rattlesnake venom.
So next to the cars, which all look like identikit boxes and move like there being pushed by a fat mechanic up Mt. Everest. They handle terrible, somebody may as well have replaced there brakes with jelly and you would be able to stop more quickly, and that's the only thing quick about these cars because they move at the speed of a snowman having a cardiac arrest. Then again, there are a few good cars, mainly the secret ones you can find for some reason at petrol stations. For example, one I found looked like The Batmobile after Batman went crazy and became an off road driver on crack, the other was a mini bus after going through a shrink ray.
Then again after all these bad points, there are worse games you could inspire to copy off when you decide to make an adventure game, which is the equivalent of choosing too end your own life or what colour socks your dog should wear. It at least manages to tell you a story without constantly forcing you into quick time events like a very pushy mother.
On a similar note though, we get to the worst part of the game, the world. It seems to advertise itself as an open world game but you quickly realise it is not, like going onto a porn website and seeing that it is now about classical art... By Picasso. Outside of missions you can't really adventure, because supposedly police can't leave the fucking police station anytime they want to, and as a police officer, you can also not kill anybody. I have a gun, let me fucking use it instead of having him store it up his arse like a huge laxative (that is shoved up the arse). Half the time you just ask your partner to drive you to destinations anyway, because L.A seems to be a ridiculously boring town, along the lines of Sheffield... And your partner is always an even bigger tosser than you.
Well this game left me annoyed, but at least I managed to get this rant finally done after promising it for the last few months. I swear more than usual here as well somehow, and I forgot to talk about the interrogation, I might do a small rant about it next week or something.
Friday, 16 March 2012
Sunday, 26 February 2012
Video's this week.
Me and the Rofling Officer have this week, pretty much restarted out youtube channel, and have been making both joint, and single footage which we can put on it. So every week, I will be posting the videos we put up that week on here, so if you just check the blog, you can find them
26 February 2012
Serious Sam 3 Review.
The first in The Rofling Officers youtube reviews, in which he looks at Serious Sam 3 and talks about it. You can also now hear his terrible mic.
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26 February 2012
Serious Sam 3 Review.
The first in The Rofling Officers youtube reviews, in which he looks at Serious Sam 3 and talks about it. You can also now hear his terrible mic.
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Resistance 3 Rant.
Again due to messing up my order for a new mouse (I have it at the time of writing, but this intro was written when I did not), so still not having one till probably Monday, I cannot play any games on my PC again. However, this lead me to realise I have a whole collection of Playstation games I have wanted to play but never got around to, and the first one in this list was Resistance 3, the final in a trilogy which made me buy my Playstation in the first place.
Ah The Resistance series, the first one was one of the first games I got on the PS3 and was great. It mixed the fun shootyness of the likes of Serious Sam, and the story telling of (a not as good) Half Life in a blend as nice as Chocolate and cream combined in the Large Hadron Collider. Also it was set in Britain, which adds scores of points to any games I play.
Then there was Resistance 2, which was a bigger slip up than the Incredible Hulk falling over a banana Skin. It took away all of the fun parts of the first game and replaced them with the modern shooter style, probably because of how successful Call of Duty 4 had been. It also has a terrible story, to rival that of the Point and Click about a lampost, and by the end of it, you're hoping Nathan Hale takes a Shark to the balls. The game also seems to punish you in some places for running ahead, with the chameleon mobs, which come out of invisibility to attack you, however if you run too far ahead, they take you from behind (innuendos.) The fact that this game was better received than the first shows how most critics are bi-polar and have the intelligence of a lobotomised Llama.
The answer, yes and no. This game is schizophrenic and jumps around like a crack addled long jumper in how it wants to be taken. The first reason it is like this is because of the health system in the game. It has a non-regenerating health system, which is usually used to make a game fun, however the health system gives you less starting life than a crash test dummy, meaning that you are constantly in cover anyway, even though the game should not be encouraging that. A game needs to swing in one direction instead of both (like a bi sexual ha. ha. ha.) to give the maximum amount of fun.
This effect is also given at other parts in the game, mainly the cut scenes. Unlike Call of Duty, you can open your own doors in this game, so you have advanced to the intelligence of a flea living in a nuclear plant. However, the game constantly takes control away from you more than being put in solitary confinement. It is very jarring and unnecessary as the camera flies all the way across the level too show you where you need to go. Fuck you game.
The fact that you can have more than 2 guns is a great point of the game, because pulling guns out your arse like a prostitute pulls dildos is always fun. The best gun was either the freeze ray combined with the sledgehammer or the one which attaches spores to enemies blowing them up. More games need to use creative guns like these instead of giving AK 47's out like a paedophile gives out sweets.
I didn't play the multiplayer much, but it was ok when I played it, not the best. Also in the singleplayer, they basically copy and paste the Ravenholm level from Half Life 2 into it, but overall it is a pretty damn good game.
Ah The Resistance series, the first one was one of the first games I got on the PS3 and was great. It mixed the fun shootyness of the likes of Serious Sam, and the story telling of (a not as good) Half Life in a blend as nice as Chocolate and cream combined in the Large Hadron Collider. Also it was set in Britain, which adds scores of points to any games I play.
Then there was Resistance 2, which was a bigger slip up than the Incredible Hulk falling over a banana Skin. It took away all of the fun parts of the first game and replaced them with the modern shooter style, probably because of how successful Call of Duty 4 had been. It also has a terrible story, to rival that of the Point and Click about a lampost, and by the end of it, you're hoping Nathan Hale takes a Shark to the balls. The game also seems to punish you in some places for running ahead, with the chameleon mobs, which come out of invisibility to attack you, however if you run too far ahead, they take you from behind (innuendos.) The fact that this game was better received than the first shows how most critics are bi-polar and have the intelligence of a lobotomised Llama.
The answer, yes and no. This game is schizophrenic and jumps around like a crack addled long jumper in how it wants to be taken. The first reason it is like this is because of the health system in the game. It has a non-regenerating health system, which is usually used to make a game fun, however the health system gives you less starting life than a crash test dummy, meaning that you are constantly in cover anyway, even though the game should not be encouraging that. A game needs to swing in one direction instead of both (like a bi sexual ha. ha. ha.) to give the maximum amount of fun.
This effect is also given at other parts in the game, mainly the cut scenes. Unlike Call of Duty, you can open your own doors in this game, so you have advanced to the intelligence of a flea living in a nuclear plant. However, the game constantly takes control away from you more than being put in solitary confinement. It is very jarring and unnecessary as the camera flies all the way across the level too show you where you need to go. Fuck you game.
The fact that you can have more than 2 guns is a great point of the game, because pulling guns out your arse like a prostitute pulls dildos is always fun. The best gun was either the freeze ray combined with the sledgehammer or the one which attaches spores to enemies blowing them up. More games need to use creative guns like these instead of giving AK 47's out like a paedophile gives out sweets.
I didn't play the multiplayer much, but it was ok when I played it, not the best. Also in the singleplayer, they basically copy and paste the Ravenholm level from Half Life 2 into it, but overall it is a pretty damn good game.
Thursday, 23 February 2012
Random Thoughts
Youtube
Last weekend me and the Rofling Officer played about an hour's worth of Serious Sam 3, while we talk about random crap over the background, which is basically what the podcast Beyond Stupid has become., because it felt more natural. The only problem is that I am a perfectionist, and constantly lose any interest and inspiration I had in editing it after listening to the poor quality which was shown in it, most prominently in the first episode, in which the Kamikazes easily drown out the Rofling Officers terrible mic, and makes it hard to hear what he is saying, however this weekend, I hope to do the best I can with it to make it listenable, and then start uploading them, about every day or every other day.
We have also been talking about other series we could do for the Youtube channel, and my ideas so far have been a Skyrim Mod Spotlight, hosted by just me, due to the creation kit coming out. (I may also move on to Morrowind mods, even if it's an old game, because it's so good, and then maybe other games.) A playthrough for walking from one side of the Daggerfall world to the other, a series from the Rofling Officer in which he talks about his random thoughts on a certain subject, and finally some Killing Floor levels (in which we might be joined by a friend of ours, who is better at gaming than us.)
Crusader Kings 2
I just played the demo for this game, and it is extremely good. I don't want to elaborate as I may save it for a review I do at a later date, but because of it, there is a good chance I will buy this game (also I love to support Paradox, who are true PC developers and Publishers, even if they do have some fondness of bugs.)
If you want the best description of the game, think of a Less Fantasy version of the Song of Ice and Fire series, and compared to some of Paradoxes other games, it has a learning curve which isn't like running headfirst into a brick wall constantly.
Guild Wars 2 beta
Applications for easily my most anticipated game's beta opened for 48 hours yesterday. Guild Wars 2. The game just looks so good and fun, and I have been look for a good MMO to get into after quitting playing Wow due to getting bored.
I will probably play Norn when the game actually comes out, but if I do get into the beta, which is already a 0.0001% chance already, I won't be able to talk about it for a long time due to the NDA which it has on it.
Games I am looking forward too
The game War of The Roses looks really, good (the post that The Rofling Officer linked is here) and seems to have an amazing melee combat system placed into a Battlefield style multiplayer game set in the most obvious setting compared to the name, The War of the Roses. However all this makes me want Dark Souls on the PC already.
Another game I am looking forward to is Gettysburg Armoured Warfare, like The Rofling Officer. Who doesn't want to play as a steampunk confederacy with Tanks and Guns. Also it's £7, 7 FREAKING POUNDS.
Youtube reply girls (First posted by me on the OMFG Cata, Shaboozey forums)
They are making a mockery of youtube and appear in the sidebar for a lot of video now a days and frankly, words can't describe the hate which I show for them. They make unoriginal, uninformative, terrible, content which nobody wants to watch that just gets views because they have their cleavage shown (and the content is ripped off from those who posted it in the first place) but are still end up being partnered by youtube (And in one case, Machinima.)
If you want to go read the Yogscast's statement, it is here http://yogscast.com/showthread.php?50402-quot-Replygirls-quot-ruining-YouTube
However, if you don't feel like reading because it cause brain hurt, then please tweet the one drafted up on there for you: @Youtube @YTCreators please can you combat "replygirls" ruining YT and make it a nicer place to be! Further info: tinyurl.com/replygirl
Please help get them removed from youtube (it won't work, considering how big Youtube is, but it couldn't hurt.)
Also don't go on the videos to spam them, as the higher the comment amount, the higher up the ratings list they go, and the more they get noticed, leading to them getting more money, and as it is consistantly shown as being an easy way to make money, encourages other people to take up the same thing as well.
Last weekend me and the Rofling Officer played about an hour's worth of Serious Sam 3, while we talk about random crap over the background, which is basically what the podcast Beyond Stupid has become., because it felt more natural. The only problem is that I am a perfectionist, and constantly lose any interest and inspiration I had in editing it after listening to the poor quality which was shown in it, most prominently in the first episode, in which the Kamikazes easily drown out the Rofling Officers terrible mic, and makes it hard to hear what he is saying, however this weekend, I hope to do the best I can with it to make it listenable, and then start uploading them, about every day or every other day.
We have also been talking about other series we could do for the Youtube channel, and my ideas so far have been a Skyrim Mod Spotlight, hosted by just me, due to the creation kit coming out. (I may also move on to Morrowind mods, even if it's an old game, because it's so good, and then maybe other games.) A playthrough for walking from one side of the Daggerfall world to the other, a series from the Rofling Officer in which he talks about his random thoughts on a certain subject, and finally some Killing Floor levels (in which we might be joined by a friend of ours, who is better at gaming than us.)
Crusader Kings 2
I just played the demo for this game, and it is extremely good. I don't want to elaborate as I may save it for a review I do at a later date, but because of it, there is a good chance I will buy this game (also I love to support Paradox, who are true PC developers and Publishers, even if they do have some fondness of bugs.)
If you want the best description of the game, think of a Less Fantasy version of the Song of Ice and Fire series, and compared to some of Paradoxes other games, it has a learning curve which isn't like running headfirst into a brick wall constantly.
Guild Wars 2 beta
Applications for easily my most anticipated game's beta opened for 48 hours yesterday. Guild Wars 2. The game just looks so good and fun, and I have been look for a good MMO to get into after quitting playing Wow due to getting bored.
I will probably play Norn when the game actually comes out, but if I do get into the beta, which is already a 0.0001% chance already, I won't be able to talk about it for a long time due to the NDA which it has on it.
Games I am looking forward too
The game War of The Roses looks really, good (the post that The Rofling Officer linked is here) and seems to have an amazing melee combat system placed into a Battlefield style multiplayer game set in the most obvious setting compared to the name, The War of the Roses. However all this makes me want Dark Souls on the PC already.
Another game I am looking forward to is Gettysburg Armoured Warfare, like The Rofling Officer. Who doesn't want to play as a steampunk confederacy with Tanks and Guns. Also it's £7, 7 FREAKING POUNDS.
Youtube reply girls (First posted by me on the OMFG Cata, Shaboozey forums)
They are making a mockery of youtube and appear in the sidebar for a lot of video now a days and frankly, words can't describe the hate which I show for them. They make unoriginal, uninformative, terrible, content which nobody wants to watch that just gets views because they have their cleavage shown (and the content is ripped off from those who posted it in the first place) but are still end up being partnered by youtube (And in one case, Machinima.)
If you want to go read the Yogscast's statement, it is here http://yogscast.com/showthread.php?50402-quot-Replygirls-quot-ruining-YouTube
However, if you don't feel like reading because it cause brain hurt, then please tweet the one drafted up on there for you: @Youtube @YTCreators please can you combat "replygirls" ruining YT and make it a nicer place to be! Further info: tinyurl.com/replygirl
Please help get them removed from youtube (it won't work, considering how big Youtube is, but it couldn't hurt.)
Also don't go on the videos to spam them, as the higher the comment amount, the higher up the ratings list they go, and the more they get noticed, leading to them getting more money, and as it is consistantly shown as being an easy way to make money, encourages other people to take up the same thing as well.
Saturday, 28 January 2012
The Darkness 2 Demo Rant
Again, as January has less game releases than a monk has mistresses and due to the fact that I have still not had time to finish L.A Noire (or stomach the thought of having to play the Battlefield 3 campaign, for a rant (Hey I've put it off for a while now, don't judge)) I have decided to review another one of these big demos which have arrived on Steam and this time, it is The Darkness 2.
In possibly the most shocking revelation since David Beckham was revealed to be the anti-Christ and subsequently kicked everybody's pet tortoises to death and pissed on there bodies, The Darkness 2 is a sequel to a game called The Darkness (Shock, horror), a game even more amazingly based on a comic named... You guessed it, The Darkness. There are so many surprises here I bet you wouldn't care if I told you that God existed and his whole purpose is to give out STD's.
You play Mob Boss/ Japanese tentacle porn creator, Jackie Estacado, a man who wields something sinister called The Darkness, and involves some other organisation trying to get this off you, headed by a man who looks like a cross between the Hunchback of Notre Dame and a cupboard.
Other than a bit where I am being crucified by this guy, the demo starts with him being walked through a restaurant with about as much interactivity as a wooden floor. As you walk through you hear more Italian Americans than in The Godfather if it was written by Super Mario. After a while of walking through this area, I'm shoved into what seems to be a section which is more on rails than Stevenson's Rocket, as you are dragged through the area while shooting at a rival gang.
So after having more excitement sucked out of me than a man with erectile dysfunction being offered a blow job, I finally get to control my character with his aforementioned tentacles. Shame that, due to the controls being more fiddly to control than a buttered up piece of butter, you can never see how fun they actually are. Instead they are more annoying than having a deer kick you in the balls continuously. Pressing middle mouse button and then swinging you're mouse around like a cat on ecstasy also leaves you disoriented in the same way that spinning around on a crashing car may do.
Even then, that is before mentioning the terrible game mechanic of having to shoot down the street lights. It is a jarring change of pace when one minute you are ripping apart crime like a psychotic Batman, when the next you're shooting down lights like a 5 year old hoodlum. And there is little way around this when, if you don't, it takes away you're power. You're basically a shit Superman, but instead of Kryptonite, you just have a phobia of streetlights.
However if the game decided to send more than three enemies at me (remember this is the demo, it'll probably be different in the actual game) or isn't wrenching control from me like a clingy 3 year old, then you will be able to see the amazing violence in the game. It seems to have been left over from the point when the developers decided to remove all the fun parts out of the game. The more and more bloodthirsty ways to kill people seem to have come straight from the mind of Jason Voorhees after he stubbed his toe on a nail. They get pretty shit when they repeat though, and it becomes the equivalent of watching a wall dry on repeat.
Another good point is the cell shaded art style, which really isn't a style I like in games, for example the Prince of Persian re-boot... However that may be because that game made me feel like I was hammering a nail through my spine. It suits the game really well.
The camera (i.e. you're view) bobs about more than a boat in a hurricane. It makes the game sickening and horrible to play, and I would rather have somebody piss down my throat than have to endure that again. It gave me a bigger headache than the time I slammed my head onto a railway track when a train was coming down. It also makes it harder to aim than it is too make a cake after having both your eyes torn out with ice picks. This is also not helped by the limited FOV.
So overall I wouldn't recommend this game from what the demo shows, unless you happen to like the taste of sucking on your own balls, as I would recommend it more than this piece of shit.
Or you could just ignore this whole rant and buy it on the sole reason that there is a cockney monkey/imp thing that says "God save the Queen", possibly the most redeeming thing in the entire demo.
In possibly the most shocking revelation since David Beckham was revealed to be the anti-Christ and subsequently kicked everybody's pet tortoises to death and pissed on there bodies, The Darkness 2 is a sequel to a game called The Darkness (Shock, horror), a game even more amazingly based on a comic named... You guessed it, The Darkness. There are so many surprises here I bet you wouldn't care if I told you that God existed and his whole purpose is to give out STD's.
You play Mob Boss/ Japanese tentacle porn creator, Jackie Estacado, a man who wields something sinister called The Darkness, and involves some other organisation trying to get this off you, headed by a man who looks like a cross between the Hunchback of Notre Dame and a cupboard.
Other than a bit where I am being crucified by this guy, the demo starts with him being walked through a restaurant with about as much interactivity as a wooden floor. As you walk through you hear more Italian Americans than in The Godfather if it was written by Super Mario. After a while of walking through this area, I'm shoved into what seems to be a section which is more on rails than Stevenson's Rocket, as you are dragged through the area while shooting at a rival gang.
So after having more excitement sucked out of me than a man with erectile dysfunction being offered a blow job, I finally get to control my character with his aforementioned tentacles. Shame that, due to the controls being more fiddly to control than a buttered up piece of butter, you can never see how fun they actually are. Instead they are more annoying than having a deer kick you in the balls continuously. Pressing middle mouse button and then swinging you're mouse around like a cat on ecstasy also leaves you disoriented in the same way that spinning around on a crashing car may do.
Even then, that is before mentioning the terrible game mechanic of having to shoot down the street lights. It is a jarring change of pace when one minute you are ripping apart crime like a psychotic Batman, when the next you're shooting down lights like a 5 year old hoodlum. And there is little way around this when, if you don't, it takes away you're power. You're basically a shit Superman, but instead of Kryptonite, you just have a phobia of streetlights.
However if the game decided to send more than three enemies at me (remember this is the demo, it'll probably be different in the actual game) or isn't wrenching control from me like a clingy 3 year old, then you will be able to see the amazing violence in the game. It seems to have been left over from the point when the developers decided to remove all the fun parts out of the game. The more and more bloodthirsty ways to kill people seem to have come straight from the mind of Jason Voorhees after he stubbed his toe on a nail. They get pretty shit when they repeat though, and it becomes the equivalent of watching a wall dry on repeat.
Another good point is the cell shaded art style, which really isn't a style I like in games, for example the Prince of Persian re-boot... However that may be because that game made me feel like I was hammering a nail through my spine. It suits the game really well.
The camera (i.e. you're view) bobs about more than a boat in a hurricane. It makes the game sickening and horrible to play, and I would rather have somebody piss down my throat than have to endure that again. It gave me a bigger headache than the time I slammed my head onto a railway track when a train was coming down. It also makes it harder to aim than it is too make a cake after having both your eyes torn out with ice picks. This is also not helped by the limited FOV.
So overall I wouldn't recommend this game from what the demo shows, unless you happen to like the taste of sucking on your own balls, as I would recommend it more than this piece of shit.
Or you could just ignore this whole rant and buy it on the sole reason that there is a cockney monkey/imp thing that says "God save the Queen", possibly the most redeeming thing in the entire demo.
Monday, 23 January 2012
Kingdoms of Amalur: Reckoning Demo Rant
Due to being busy, along the lines of a man who sits in a bath full of porridge getting sucked off by a hoover may be considered busy, I have not had much time to play any game this week other than Minecraft, however a demo I saw did catch my eye. The one for a game named Kingdoms of Amalur, so I decided to download that and review it.
Kingdoms of Amalur is an upcoming Role Playing Game, with the lead designer of one of my favourite games, Ken Rolston working on it. He made Morrowind, he also made a game which I would rather have caught SARS from an infected Snowman than play, Oblivion. It was also written by R.A Salvatore, who I have heard is a good writer, but writer doesn't count, Black Ops had the same writer as Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, in the biggest drop in quality since Winston Churchill applied for the position of sex slave. So for this review of a demo, which is like reviewing a film while watching it through a man hole cover, I will split this into different categories starting with... *play epic music*
Story
In the game you have the choice to play as Humans, More Humans, Slightly Grey Humans, and Even Greyer Humans. At least in the Elder Scrolls I get much more of a choice, in this it's the equivalent of having to pick if you want to watch Disaster Movie or be raped by Squirrels.
The Game starts with a cinematic which couldn't be more like Lord of The Rings if it had a top on saying Peter Jackson can I give you a back massage. The narrator is basically Galadriel, and there is even a bit which looks suspiciously like The Last Alliance of Men and Elves, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't. The again I'm not sure why I subject myself to this crap, so don't listen to my opinion.
After this I was greeted by a screen of blackness, because the people who made this game couldn't optimise it for an ATI card, but I turned off post processing and it worked, only to be met by the faces of two midgets, who both looked like they were about to start dancing wildly that they had struck oil. They threw me into a pit full of more bodies than... Well any joke I make here will be ridiculously offensive. It's just a shame that all the dead bodies look like sex dolls after a holiday to the bottom of a river, taking away more seriousness than having a man do the Charleston at the back of a news report on mass homicide.
The whole plot is harder to get into than a brick wall, and seemed to jump more jarringly between subjects than a Bi-Polar raccoon, leaving me confused, but it doesn't bother me at the moment, it could become better later on into the game not in the demo. But it's fucking shit anyway. (More uneducated opinion by me.)
Combat
Let's start with the melee combat, which feels slicker than an oil covered eel. The maximum gameplay which involves melee combat may just be you spam clicking whatever button it is like you are trying to give yourself arthritis, but at least it feels better than the one in basically any Elder Scrolls game. It is however, supposed to be a combination of both an Elder Scrolls game and a God of War game, and it completely fails at the latter it may as well have fallen out of a building onto a brick floor. It's average to good though.
I feel like I should give a quick mention to the blocking though, which involves you pulling out a shield which you conveniently managed to store at the back of your arse.
Then we have the stealth, which is also ok, but nowhere near as good as the one which is in most modern games, like in Skyrim or Deus Ex Human Revolution. One thing it does have like these games is the awful stealth kill animation, which as always is more jarring than the scene in The Pianist where everybody in the Warsaw Ghetto stands up and starts singing In The Navy.
Now we have the worst part of the combat, the Archery, which has an aiming system like they had got a blind man to create it. It flickers about from box to box instead of that obviously less threatening spider in my path, which leads me to believe that the plot twist will be that all the boxes unite against whoever you are fight for and try to take over the world for the Holy Boxyness. So all in all, the archery leaves me feeling annoyed, like a turtle had just pissed on my head.
Movement
All I have to say about this is that my character runs about like they have had a spike shoved up there arse, and that the game has taken away my ability to jump. They may as well have taken away my hands at the same time. I hate games which remove the ability to jump, it feels like they have removed all sense of freedom I had in the game.
Also the camera positioning is terrible, like it had been designed by a person with a nail through there jaw... I don't know why that would affect camera positioning but the point stands anyway.
So overall, I will not be getting this game, as it is terrible, especially if you compare it to some of the other RPG's on the market at the moment. However I'm pretty sure at this point last year, we were getting Dragon Age 2, which it is better than.... Then again that is like contemplating if you should be infected with AIDS or having a glass bottle shoved down your throat. If somebody asked you to buy this game, I'm pretty sure this will be your reaction. (Ignore the fact that, that TV program is also terrible)
Anyway to end on a lighter note, here is a Turtle trying to fly... Also I'm probably on crack.
Kingdoms of Amalur is an upcoming Role Playing Game, with the lead designer of one of my favourite games, Ken Rolston working on it. He made Morrowind, he also made a game which I would rather have caught SARS from an infected Snowman than play, Oblivion. It was also written by R.A Salvatore, who I have heard is a good writer, but writer doesn't count, Black Ops had the same writer as Batman Begins and The Dark Knight, in the biggest drop in quality since Winston Churchill applied for the position of sex slave. So for this review of a demo, which is like reviewing a film while watching it through a man hole cover, I will split this into different categories starting with... *play epic music*
Story
In the game you have the choice to play as Humans, More Humans, Slightly Grey Humans, and Even Greyer Humans. At least in the Elder Scrolls I get much more of a choice, in this it's the equivalent of having to pick if you want to watch Disaster Movie or be raped by Squirrels.
The Game starts with a cinematic which couldn't be more like Lord of The Rings if it had a top on saying Peter Jackson can I give you a back massage. The narrator is basically Galadriel, and there is even a bit which looks suspiciously like The Last Alliance of Men and Elves, but I'm pretty sure it wasn't. The again I'm not sure why I subject myself to this crap, so don't listen to my opinion.
After this I was greeted by a screen of blackness, because the people who made this game couldn't optimise it for an ATI card, but I turned off post processing and it worked, only to be met by the faces of two midgets, who both looked like they were about to start dancing wildly that they had struck oil. They threw me into a pit full of more bodies than... Well any joke I make here will be ridiculously offensive. It's just a shame that all the dead bodies look like sex dolls after a holiday to the bottom of a river, taking away more seriousness than having a man do the Charleston at the back of a news report on mass homicide.
The whole plot is harder to get into than a brick wall, and seemed to jump more jarringly between subjects than a Bi-Polar raccoon, leaving me confused, but it doesn't bother me at the moment, it could become better later on into the game not in the demo. But it's fucking shit anyway. (More uneducated opinion by me.)
Combat
Let's start with the melee combat, which feels slicker than an oil covered eel. The maximum gameplay which involves melee combat may just be you spam clicking whatever button it is like you are trying to give yourself arthritis, but at least it feels better than the one in basically any Elder Scrolls game. It is however, supposed to be a combination of both an Elder Scrolls game and a God of War game, and it completely fails at the latter it may as well have fallen out of a building onto a brick floor. It's average to good though.
I feel like I should give a quick mention to the blocking though, which involves you pulling out a shield which you conveniently managed to store at the back of your arse.
Then we have the stealth, which is also ok, but nowhere near as good as the one which is in most modern games, like in Skyrim or Deus Ex Human Revolution. One thing it does have like these games is the awful stealth kill animation, which as always is more jarring than the scene in The Pianist where everybody in the Warsaw Ghetto stands up and starts singing In The Navy.
Now we have the worst part of the combat, the Archery, which has an aiming system like they had got a blind man to create it. It flickers about from box to box instead of that obviously less threatening spider in my path, which leads me to believe that the plot twist will be that all the boxes unite against whoever you are fight for and try to take over the world for the Holy Boxyness. So all in all, the archery leaves me feeling annoyed, like a turtle had just pissed on my head.
Movement
All I have to say about this is that my character runs about like they have had a spike shoved up there arse, and that the game has taken away my ability to jump. They may as well have taken away my hands at the same time. I hate games which remove the ability to jump, it feels like they have removed all sense of freedom I had in the game.
Also the camera positioning is terrible, like it had been designed by a person with a nail through there jaw... I don't know why that would affect camera positioning but the point stands anyway.
So overall, I will not be getting this game, as it is terrible, especially if you compare it to some of the other RPG's on the market at the moment. However I'm pretty sure at this point last year, we were getting Dragon Age 2, which it is better than.... Then again that is like contemplating if you should be infected with AIDS or having a glass bottle shoved down your throat. If somebody asked you to buy this game, I'm pretty sure this will be your reaction. (Ignore the fact that, that TV program is also terrible)
Anyway to end on a lighter note, here is a Turtle trying to fly... Also I'm probably on crack.
Wednesday, 18 January 2012
Editorial: SOPA and PIPA blackout
John: As anybody who hasn't had his head stuck down a hole filled with rabid chipmunks should know, yesterday was the SOPA and PIPA blackout day, with many big sites such as Wikipedia, Reddit, and Rock Paper Shotgun as well as big youtubers such as Total Biscuit and Yogscast all blacking out. What did I do, I hear three of you ask, well I blacked up.... I mean blacked out as well, well as much as it is possible to on Blogger. This blackout lead to 10 senators dropping support for SOPA and 10 for PIPA, including one of its co signers Marco Rubio
Now you ask, why did I do this? Well I'll tell you this, I believe that the internet is an amazing thing, encouraging art, from you're pictures of cats getting annoyed at cheeseburgers, to people playing music instruments, and everybody should be proud of this. It has changed everybody's life, challenging and deposing of murderous regimes, and questioning business practices. It has created a free market, a place for anybody to achieve success if they want to, the new American Dream.
SOPA and PIPA however, will destroy this huge empire of freedom. They want this amazing thing to be controlled by the large corporations, reducing all our freedom. It is irony, that countries like the United States, are planning this bill, while at the same time criticising the North Koreans, Iranians and the Chinese for their similar regulations. Supposedly these bills will stop piracy, but it won't, all it will do is harm the general user. It is like DRM, people still find ways around it to pirate games, but the customer is stuck with a permanent annoyance whenever they try install or even use their game. Yes piracy is bad, but this would be like releasing murderers to stop thievery.
It is a mockery to all what the western world supposedly stands for, all due to the big corporations who need help because they feel they can't survive. That's not capitalism, that's corporationism (or Corporatism), an ideology which means that the corporations stay with the most power by having a corrupt government themselves take down competition. No, true capitalism gives everybody an equal chance, it allows the big companies to fail, and the small people to think of something creative and earn their fortune... It allows a Free Market
Now I don't like doing these serious posts, I'm just a man, on the internet, who wants to write about and watch people play the things he loves, games, however when this and the freedom of the internet is threatened, I do not believe I can stand by. This is why I, and many other people, blacked out, or campaigned against this bill. If you are in the US contact you're elected officials here (http://www.usa.gov/Contact/Elected.shtml) and if you are out of the United States (and if you're in it) sign here. (http://www.avaaz.org/en/save_the_internet) Well that was my opinion on this blot on the internet, now to get back to normal work.
Now you ask, why did I do this? Well I'll tell you this, I believe that the internet is an amazing thing, encouraging art, from you're pictures of cats getting annoyed at cheeseburgers, to people playing music instruments, and everybody should be proud of this. It has changed everybody's life, challenging and deposing of murderous regimes, and questioning business practices. It has created a free market, a place for anybody to achieve success if they want to, the new American Dream.
SOPA and PIPA however, will destroy this huge empire of freedom. They want this amazing thing to be controlled by the large corporations, reducing all our freedom. It is irony, that countries like the United States, are planning this bill, while at the same time criticising the North Koreans, Iranians and the Chinese for their similar regulations. Supposedly these bills will stop piracy, but it won't, all it will do is harm the general user. It is like DRM, people still find ways around it to pirate games, but the customer is stuck with a permanent annoyance whenever they try install or even use their game. Yes piracy is bad, but this would be like releasing murderers to stop thievery.
It is a mockery to all what the western world supposedly stands for, all due to the big corporations who need help because they feel they can't survive. That's not capitalism, that's corporationism (or Corporatism), an ideology which means that the corporations stay with the most power by having a corrupt government themselves take down competition. No, true capitalism gives everybody an equal chance, it allows the big companies to fail, and the small people to think of something creative and earn their fortune... It allows a Free Market
Now I don't like doing these serious posts, I'm just a man, on the internet, who wants to write about and watch people play the things he loves, games, however when this and the freedom of the internet is threatened, I do not believe I can stand by. This is why I, and many other people, blacked out, or campaigned against this bill. If you are in the US contact you're elected officials here (http://www.usa.gov/Contact/Elected.shtml) and if you are out of the United States (and if you're in it) sign here. (http://www.avaaz.org/en/save_the_internet) Well that was my opinion on this blot on the internet, now to get back to normal work.
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